The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween 1

Today I decided to dress up again as the 80s Punk Rocker Chick. I LOVE dressing up...I'll take any excuse to dress up. This came in the form of our intern Chiquita asking me to dress up so she wouldn't be the only one. So...OF COURSE I will dress up!

Happy Halloween
(Here's a more normal picture of Chiquita and I)

Today at lunch I had to run a bunch of errands. The bank...get gas...and find envelopes. Which meant I had to go to Staples (no luck)...Hallmark (no luck) and finally Office Depot. Which meant 5 places to be totally embarrassed because apparently NO ONE in Franklin dressed up. Some guy at the bank asked if I was in costume. YES!!! I don't normally pay tribute to the 80's on a daily basis!!! At Hallmark...there were A LOT of Franklin women in there...who looked at me like I was a HOOKER!! I wanted to tell you know what your 14 year old Granddaughter wears to the movies to go Chippy Chasing (or whatever that phrase is)?!?!? That is 10 times more scandelous than what I am wearing! At Office one wanted to wait on me...for some crazy reason. Finally a manager came over and said he would check me out...but seemed very put off by it. Oh well...all in good fun! Happy Halloween...and eat LOTS AND LOTS of CANDY!!!!!

Friday, October 28, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 10.28.05

*Ever since the Yankees lost in the ALDS this year…I have had a picture of Alex Rodriguez hanging on my door.

(Photo from

Being a Red Sox fan…I LOVE this picture…I think it’s HILARIOUS. The best part is his blue lips. Sorry Yankees fans…actually…I’m not sorry…YANKEES SUCK!

*Tomorrow Steve and I are going on a camping day trip. My parents have always belonged to a campground…and they have a site about an hour from our house. So we are going to go check it out…go on a hike…have a picnic…and enjoy October outside! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

*Last Saturday I ran 5 miles in less than 50 minutes. Okay…it was 49 minutes…but it was a huge accomplishment for me. My last two miles felt so good…and they were my quickest miles. I love running!

*For some reason…that I’m NOT complaining about…I have felt complete Joy today. I don’t really know why!?!?! But I have just felt like smiling all day. I feel full of life and just BLESSED!!! It’s like total Joy and certainty…amidst the uncertainty…if that makes ANY sense. Maybe I’m just so tired of being sad and uncertain God has blessed me with this feeling. For whatever reason…I like this feeling and hope it lasts.

*Boo Bunko was a blast! For pictures click here. (I still need to work on links...JoAnna showed me...but I must have forgotten!) I dressed up as an 80s Punk Rocker! Although, in all the pictures I had attitude…and not 1 normal smiling picture. Oh well…I guess I was in the moment. I just wished for once I could have remembered to be normal during the night as to not always look CRAZY!!!

*My gum of choice is Orbitz Cinnamint. I like the balance of the Cinnamon & Mint. I love the packaging…and I buy it in bulk at Costco! However…lately I’ve noticed that I don’t chew gum for as long as I used to. I used to chew the same piece for hours and hours when I was younger. Now I probably only keep the same piece for 1 hour…tops. I wonder why that is?!?!?

*My parents are coming here for Thanksgiving!! YAY!! Until this week, they figured they would be in California…and we were going to stay here. But now we will be TOGETHER! AND…they are going to look for houses. They still hope to put their house on the market not this weekend but next. We shall see…I surely hope that happens!

*We FINALLY bought tickets to Maine for Christmas! Ugh…it has been a chore. We weren’t finding anything less than $488 into Bangor. For example…last year we paid $305 for tickets. It has been ridiculous. We debated flying into Boston and taking the bus from there. But we found tickets into Portland, Maine which is about 2 hours from Bangor for $320. I’m just glad the tickets are bought…and I don’t have to worry about what we are going to do to get to Bangor anymore!

*Last weekend we took the filter off our pool to get ready for the winter. It was so discouraging to have never gotten the pool off the ground…especially since we spent hundreds of dollars trying. We are trying to decide if we are going to try again next year…or just take the pool out. Who knows!

*I am currently listening to Madonna’s Immaculate Collection. Ahhh…the memories! I LOVE THIS ALBUM!!!! I guess when I decided to be an 80s punk rocker for Halloween…it inspired me to listen to all the songs I loved in the 80s.

Monday, October 24, 2005


Saturday afternoon Steve was going to mow the lawn while I cleaned the garage. He opened the door to the backyard...and then immediately shut it. I was still in the kitchen getting a garbage bag. He comes in and says...what can I kill a snake with?? "WHAT????!!!!!???????!" I replied calmly. Apparently when he opened the door...a snake was just chillin' outside the door trying to get into the garage. YIKES!! I HATE SNAKES! What is it with me and reptiles??!? Before I got married when I was still living in the Brothel, one night I got home and in my closet was a slimy orange and green salamander that was about a foot long...and FAT. I did what any sane adult would do...ran for my life and jumped on my bed. And now a SNAKE?!?!? Atleast it's not in the house...but STILL!!!! Steve said it was black & yellow. We have a door from our kitchen to the backyard so we went out to access the situation. Sure enough...there was a snake right in front of the garage door...perched up. It had to be a foot and a half long. FREAK OUT!!! So we go back into the garage and figure out what we have. Nothing with a long handle would kill it. I had a wooden pole which I would try and get the snake away from the door...and Steve had a metal hoe thing...but the handle was only about a foot long. So we go out...I hit the back of his body with the pole...he freaked and slithered behind some bushes. Well at least he isn't by the door anymore...but HOW THE HECK am I supposed to weed EVER AGAIN!!?!?!? I wish I could be cool and have a picture of it...but you will just have to imagine how scary it was!!! There were no other snake sightings the rest of the weekend...THANK GOODNESS!!!!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 10.21.05

*As I write this…I know Cancun is getting HIT by Hurricane Wilma. I feel bad for the people there…and for the tourists. This is where we went on our honeymoon so Cancun will always be special to me. I can’t imagine being there for my honeymoon while a storm like this rips through.

*Okay…my husband has the cutest little quirks. One is…he is NEVER barefoot except when he sleeps at night…and in the shower. He has socks next to the bed…and will put them on if he has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Then take them off when he gets back to bed. Isn’t that HILARIOUS…and ENDEARING!!!

*I love the wind. Today there has been a great breeze outside. I love walking outside and your hair just blowing away. I know it’s random…but I always feel like my hair looks better on windy days. Or maybe I like the way my hair looks on windy days!

*Even thought the World Series hasn’t started yet…my fall depression has begun. I don’t care about either of the teams playing in the World Series…so I am coming to grips with baseball being over for the year. No more asking Steve questions while we watch games…no more appreciating the skill that Mark Mulder brings to the game…no more crack of the bat…no more “Take me out to the ballgame”. Such a sad time of year!

*I hate weeding. I never fully understood the statement “growing like weeds” until I moved to the south. In California, weeds don’t grow that fast. Here…they do…and I know that even moreso now that I am a homeowner. I spend about 3 hours every other weekend pulling weeds. BLAH!!!! I need to do that sometime this weekend.

*Isn’t it bizarre how most people’s level of loudness GREATLY increases when they are on their cell phone. It’s even worse if the person has a loud voice to begin with. Just when you think they can’t talk louder…they do. And it’s always down a hall where it just ECHOES even LOUDER!!! Sometimes I find myself talking louder on a cell phone. It drives me crazy. But…you usually just can’t hear people as clear…therefore the need to INCREASE THE LEVEL OF YOUR VOICE automatically takes over.

*So I saw that Lindsay Lohan’s new single is entitled “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)”. Why the heck doesn’t she just write him a note instead of sharing it with the WHOLE WORLD. I know I don’t want to hear about it.

*I hate it when your favorite band breaks up…and you come to the realization that you will NEVER AGAIN have new music from them. Chasing Furies are my ALL TIME favorite band. So sad…I only have 1 album from them. They broke up YEARS ago…and I still can’t get over this fact!

*There’s nothing like at the end of a rough day or week to just go to a Mexican restaurant and eat chips & salsa and have a yummy Marg! For real…just in that moment of time…all seems right with the world!

*I’m so jealous…my parents are meeting up with my brother and going camping this weekend. That is just what we did as a family growing up…camping! I wish I could be there and relive the memories! Can you believe that Steve has NEVER been camping! We need to fix this problem immediately!

*Today is my Aunt Mary's birthday! Feliz Cumpleanos!

AJ/Angela Needs...

Google your name and the word “needs” and see what comes up. Jo’s, Zabs’ & Joy’s were very interesting…so I thought I would give it a shot!

*AJ needs new hips
*AJ needs more time in rehab
*AJ needs books
*AJ needs a family that can dedicate some significant energy to working with her
*AJ needs to have healthy outlets for her energy

I also searched Angela needs…this is what came up:
*Angela needs to take her father off the pedestal she put him on
*Angela needs a different prescription
*Angela needs to complete a psychological evaluation
*Angela needs her coffee
*Angela needs to feel assurance
*Angela needs a parent who uses humor and non-threatening approaches to discipline
*Angela needs a vacation (**if Angela needs all those things…then she DEFINITELY needs a VACATION!!)

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

My Miracles

About 30 years ago from now should have been my mom’s due date with my brother. Instead he was born on August 31st, about 2 months early. Several months into my mom’s pregnancy, something really weird started happening. My mom’s legs started bruising and turning black. Sometime in the 6th month, my mom was admitted into the hospital because the doctors did not have a clue as to what was happening. My mom was losing the feeling in her legs and was bed ridden in the hospital. Her legs by this time were completely black. My mom was really sick. I believe to the point of losing consciousness. The doctors finally decided they needed to talk to my dad. They gave him an ultimatum…save my mom or save the baby. They told him to sleep on it and to let him know the next day. Well, I think God had other plans. That night…my mom delivered the baby. To this day she doesn’t remember anything about it. Apparently my brother just came out…completely unexpected. I think my mom’s body was so sick that it just delivered my brother so that my mom could recover. My brother was only like 3 or 4 pounds. Back then this was pretty serious as they didn’t have the neo-natal specialists they have now. My brother had to be in an incubator for a couple of weeks, and had jaundice, but other than that he was fine. My mom stayed in the hospital for a couple of months. Slowly her body healed from whatever it was that invaded her body. The doctors had never seen anything like it, and still have no clue what exactly happened. My brother was a miracle. My dad was so relieved that he didn’t have to make a choice between my mom and my brother. After my mom recovered, the doctors recommended that my mom not get pregnant again. And they weren’t planning it at all. Well, 2 years later my mom got pregnant with me. Unexpected. All the specialists that saw my mom highly recommend she get an abortion immediately. My mom went to meet with her OB/GYN and asked his opinion. He said having an abortion would be the safest bet…but told her… “if anyone can do it Mrs. Keatts, you can.” My parents, who are both Pro-Life, immediately decided to go forward and not look back. My mom ended up having a very normal pregnancy with no complications. The doctors did deem that what happened with my mom when she was pregnant with my brother was unrelated to being pregnant. Good news for me! When my mom reminds me of this story…I realize how precious my life is. I could have been aborted! It's still mind numbing when I really think about it. I realize how precious my brother’s life is. He survived against the odds. And I realize how precious my mom’s life is. Despite the weird illness/virus she delivered a healthy baby, and made a full recovery. In the bigger picture…it makes me realize how each one of us is a miracle…how we should live each day to the fullest…and how precious life is. I say this mainly to myself. I have been quite down on life lately. Then I remember how I might not have had the chance of life. My mom gave me a gift that I will always be grateful for. I need to appreciate each moment…each breath…each blessing that is in my life. May this not only be a reminder to me…but also a reminder to you. Don’t get bogged down by all the problems and things going wrong in your life. Focus on all of the blessings…and be grateful for all that God has given you!

Friday, October 14, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 10.14.05

*I realized just how depressed and tired I am when the sun is not out. We didn’t see the sun in Nashville since last Thursday until this Wednesday. It wasn’t bad the first 3 days…but then I couldn’t take it anymore!! Bring on the sun!!!

*I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately…I’ve noticed the last 3 months…I’ve been REALLY MOODY…NOT around my period. I don’t know what it is…I can’t seem to find a real reason…but my fuse seems shorter than usual…and I find myself feeling off kilter so much more these days. Hopefully it’s just a phase…and hopefully my hormones aren’t out of whack! I just feel SO BAD for my husband. I’m sure he has no clue which mood is going to show up. Hot or cold…lovey dovey or standoff-ish…in a great mood or frustrated by everything. I’m at a place where I am getting really concerned for myself…and that freaks me out. I just want to know what’s going on!

*I grew up with a nanny. Her name is Mary. She is AWESOME! She is the cutest little thing. She is not even 5 feet tall. She is from El Salvador and moved here when my mom had my brother. She was only supposed to be here for 3 months while my mom got better. (My mom had a HORRIBLE time around her pregnancy that kept her in the hospital for a couple of months after my brother was born. I’ll have to share the miracle story sometime.) Well, Mary really liked it here, and when my mom got better she wanted to continue working. So Mary stayed and applied for residency. Then I was born. So I have known Mary my whole life. She only speaks Spanish…unless she HAS to speak English…then she will. I always thought this was funny. She likes speaking Spanish…so she does. She knows English…but just doesn’t speak it. She always spoke to me in Spanish…and I always spoke to her in English. I never call her my nanny because she’s so much more than that. She is really like an aunt. Anyways, she loves me like her own child. It is her birthday on the 21st, so today I wrote her a note in Spanish. I hadn’t written in Spanish in AGES. Usually I just write my note in English. But I decided that it would mean so much if I wrote her note in Spanish. And I did it all on my own, and remembered everything I needed to say. It felt really good to remember the Spanish I needed to know!

*Here is a list of States that I have not been to…but hope to go to soon!
-Rhode Island
-North Dakota
-South Dakota
Which means I have been to 35 states…that’s pretty AWESOME! Especially since prior to moving to Nashville 5 years ago…I had only been to 7 states. That’s 28 states I’ve been to in the last 5 years!!! WOW!

*My number 1 pet peeve is mouth noises. THEY MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL!!! For example…eating with your mouth open…the noise that is made when you are trying to suck something out of your teeth or pick your teeth…talking while eating…certain gum smacking…clearing your throat…trying to hock a lugi…sucking on a lollipop or popsicle…etc. I wish some of these things didn’t bug me…but they do! My very close 2nd pet peeve is people being late…or running late. Drives me batty!

*I took a personality test…I was 60% melancholy and 40% sanguine. That is fine…but they are pretty much complete opposites. WEIRD! I don’t really know what to think of it all. Maybe I have a split-personality…surely not…right?!?!?!? Who the heck knows…at this point…nothing would surprise me.

*My dream job is something that I can not tell anyone. Not even my husband. NO…IT’S NOT A STRIPPER!!! I just don’t have the guts to tell anyone…so DON’T ASK!!!

*I drink approximately 75 – 85 ounces of water a day…that’s A LOT of water…but my body has felt so good lately! I can now really tell a difference in my body when I don’t drink that much…it just feels so dehydrated and depleted if I don’t drink at least 60 ounces.

*Steve and I officially decided that we are going to go to Europe in April after GMA. We had talked about it…but now we have both committed to it, and are really excited. I think we have even selected the tour we are going to take. I am SO SO SO SO SO ANXIOUS!!! I’m excited for Steve to experience Europe…and hopefully he will fall in love with Italy so that we can move there one day! I’m sure that’s wishful thinking…but you never know. I can’t really see my sweet husband speaking Italian…but man it would make me melt if he even tried!!

*We just found out our gas bill is going to go up 65%. That is going to suck this winter. Considering that my cost of living raise was only doesn’t even begin to make a dent in our increased utilities. Between gas for our cars…and our gas bill…we are spending roughly $130 - $150 more a month. My raise wasn’t even close to that a month! So basically I am making less than I was last year. I am so frustrated. And I know it’s just money…but you think that the more time that passes the more money you will have to spend on fun things. Instead…now I have less money to spend of fun stuff. I guess that means less clothes and never going to the movies just so I can fill up my car to get to work. Man that sounds like a good time.

*On a more positive note…it is PERFECT outside today. Sunny…gorgeous…breezy…in the 70s. What a great way to start the weekend! YAY!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

El Salvador

Last week I read several articles about the massive flooding in Central America due to the Tropical Storm that went through there. This made me numb. You would think that it wouldn’t. In relation to everything else that has happened in the world of natural disasters lately. The tsunami killed hundreds of thousands…obviously Katrina and Rita…and now the earthquake in Pakistan. But I couldn’t stop reading about the disaster going on in Central America. I don’t even think the news really covered it. And again…in comparison to everything else…the mere 1200+ that were killed due to these rains is minimal. How sad is it that 1200 people dying is minimal. But anyways, many of you know that my mom is from El Salvador. Most of her family is still there. She comes from a family of 9. 1 brother was killed…2 live outside of El Salvador, but the rest still live there including her dad, countless cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. Most of whom I have never met. And it just destroys me. For many reasons. From what I understand…I haven’t asked my mom recently…but most of my family lives on my grandfather’s farm land. I don’t think there’s any electricity…and they use an outhouse as their toilet. Very 3rd world country. And I have no clue if this disaster hit them or not. My mom does have some family that lives in the capital. And my grandfather will have to make the SEVERAL hour trek there by bus to talk to my mom by phone. My mom hasn’t been there since my brother was born. I have never been there. My grandfather did travel to California once to visit us and one of my mom’s brother’s that also lives in California. I think I was about 8 years old. That’s the only contact I have had with him. And it is so sad. My dad’s side of the family is very small. My dad has one sister…she has no children. His father died when I was in high school, so there’s only my grandma, aunt & uncle. And here I have this HUGE family in El Salvador that I know nothing about. I probably couldn’t even name all of my mom’s brothers and sisters. Let alone all my cousins that are probably my age. More than anything I would love to know them. Fear is the only thing stopping me from going. But I suppose it’s enough as I have never gone. It is complicated. My mom’s sister is a government official. Her husband, son and daughter were all killed. The country has it’s issues politically. To be honest, I don’t even know how the situation is right now. Hopefully good. But my mom’s brother that lives in California went down there to visit a couple of years ago and he had to have a couple of bodyguards with him the whole time. That is just scary. My mom thinks my dad would stick out like a sore thumb down there because of how white he is. Now I also fear for Steve, because he is white as well. I don’t want to go without him. But I don’t want anything to happen if we go. And there’s my dilemma. And my heart continues to hurt for all the people that were affected by these rains. Hopefully they will get some aide in this time of desperate need around our world. And I just hope that my blood relatives are okay.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Ahhhh...the past!

I think it’s fun when people you re-connect with people you were good friends with in years past. In the past several weeks I have re-connected with 2 of my sorority sisters. It has been so wonderful to hear what they are up to and what life is like for them. I also heard (via my mom) about one of my very best friends in high school. I would LOVE to reconnect with this person…and they are one of a handful of people that will always be special to me. But unlike the others…this friend is a guy. I have NEVER had a closer guy friend other than my husband. Bryan is really the only other guy that will always be special to me. In high school, Bryan was my buddy. Especially when my best friend Jennifer had a boyfriend…I hung out with Bryan the most. I told him all about my boy dilemmas…and he told me all about his girl dilemmas. We talked about sports and waterpolo and he let me know that he would ALWAYS school me in the pool. We had a great and interesting friendship.

THE STORY…OUR HISTORY (**warning…this may be long**)

Ang Bryan Hippie
(L-R, Bryan, me & Dallen)

We were friends all 4 years of high school. We were in Freshman English class together. That’s how we met. I’ll admit…I had a crush on him right away. When the winter formal came around (the first couple dance of the year), my best friend Jennifer told me she was going to ask Bryan. I was crushed…but couldn’t say anything because I had never vocalized my feelings. That…and my mom wouldn’t let me go to a couples dance until I was 16. Well, Jenn and Bryan hit it off. They dated for 2 years in high school. I was the third wheel with them…but they never made me feel that way. The three of us went to lunch together every single day. We were all best friends…and my feelings for him ceased. I mean he was my best friend’s boyfriend. But…Bryan and I swam and played waterpolo while Jenn was a tennis player. Then they broke up. It was weird. I wanted it to be how it always was…the three of us best of friends. This put me in an odd situation…because I’m friends with both. But Jenn and Bryan were great…and obviously knew I was still going to hang out with the other. So our junior year in high school…I hung out with Bryan…and I hung out with Jenn…but separately. Half way thru the year, Jenn started dating someone else. So this is when I started hanging out with Bryan more. Bryan had his group of friends too…whom were also great friends of mine. There was Joey, Dallen, Michael, Grant, Bryan and then me. All but Grant swam and played waterpolo as well, so they all adopted me as their friend. Isn’t it interesting how in high school you always had to have groups of friends. (Well…that is a whole other blog entry!) But Junior year was great. Bryan and I were great friends! One interesting thing…was Sadie Hopkins dance. Another one of my close friends from church asked me if I would be fine if she asked Bryan. I immediately said… "OF COURSE”. Because we were just friends…and because I was going to ask one of Jenn’s boyfriend’s friends so we could go as a 4-some. Then it happened. I got jealous. Especially when she said they had kissed at the end of the night. I never talked about it with Bryan. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and there wasn’t much of the school year left. He asked someone else to prom…and I basically had a blind date to go with my friend Nikki and her boyfriend. (AND WE HAD A BLAST…so no need to feel bad for me.)

Then it was senior year. I was student body president…so I was at school a couple of days a week for the month before school started. I found out that in our county…our school was chosen to host the Mid Year Annual Leadership Youth Conference. It’s basically where the top 10 officers from selected schools get to attend and learn about leadership and student activities. I got to choose who would be on my planning committee. Both Bryan and Jenn were there…of course. It was during the planning that Jenn came up to me one day and said (out of the blue I may add)… "You know…if you ever want to date Bryan…I’m totally fine with it. You guys always made more sense than we did”. I was speechless. Because up until that moment…I just knew Bryan was off limits…because we all know that best friends ex’s are off limits. I thanked her…and said I wasn’t sure…I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. That…and that summer I developed a HUGE crush on this other guy Zach…who I worked with at Wild Water Adventures. We were both lifeguards. So I wasn’t really thinking of Bryan during the summer. So the summer was ending…and the school year began. (And as the lifeguard season ended…Zach conveniently let me know that he had had a girlfriend this WHOLE TIME!) That would have been good to know. So then Zach was off limits…and I remembered what Jenn told me. Time passed…Bryan and I picked up where we left off…and then we went to Sonora for the week for the Mid-Year Youth Conference. I was actually getting excited because I thought I had a great plan. There was going to be this dance at the conference…I thought that would be a great time to talk to Bryan…tell him how I felt…and see where we would go. Why not…it’s my senior year…what do I have to lose. The beginning of the week was great. I noticed some flirting…but I think it was always there…I just hadn’t noticed it before. The day before the dance…Bryan pulled me aside during some downtime. I think we went for a walk or something. Immediately I thought…this is it! He’s going to tell me his feelings for me. As we are just chit-chatting…he finally said… "SO”. LONG PAUSE. My mind was racing. I was about to interrupt him to tell him how I felt first. But I chickened out. (I would come to regret this.) Bryan proceeded. “I need your advice. There’s this girl that I have kind of been hanging out with here. She’s from Clovis West…really cute. Do you think I should ask her to dance tomorrow.” Completely blindsided…and completely a conversation we would ALWAYS have (because we always gave each other advice about guys and girls) I said… "yes…you should totally ask her. Who knows if you will ever see her again.” (FROM THIS SITUATION…and a couple of others that would happen in the future…I decided you should always tell someone how you are feeling…even if it is uncomfortable and the wrong time.) But I took the high road. I supported Bryan. The dance came and went…and I sat at a table watching Bryan’s feelings grow for this other girl right in front of my eyes. He got her phone number and they would call each other for the next several months. I figured that was it. I can’t do this anymore…Bryan and I would only be friends. So we went back to the way we were. (He never knew anything was different.) But my feelings again subsided…and over Christmas break Zach would break up with his girlfriend. So that crush was back on full force. (Wasn’t it so easy to turn on and off feelings in high school?!?!?!) Over Christmas Bryan and the girl decided to stop calling each other and hanging out.

The last half of our senior year is a little blurry. I ended up taking Zach to Sadie Hopkins and Prom.

Ang Zack Prom
(Zach & I before Prom)

I can’t even remember who Bryan went with. Since Zach went to a different high school it was a little complicated. But we hung out quite a bit. He would come to functions with me at Sanger High. But I noticed he went with other girls to his school’s dances. (I should have taken the hint back then…now it is so obvious. I guess I was holding on to the hope.) Zach and I would never be anything more than friends. He was going away to college. I was going away to college. We would be 2 hours from each other. Bryan was staying in Fresno…3 hours from me. Bryan was super supportive through the whole Zach thing. He had to hear me be sad that Zach would go to his prom with someone else. Bryan was always supportive…and always strong. We still hung out a lot. It was our last swim season.

This leads us to Graduation. Bryan and I made sure to find each other after the ceremony.

Ang Bry Graduation

We decided to meet up at Grant’s house then we would ride to sober grad nite together with a couple of the guys. Our group took 2 cars. Sober grad was fun. I tried to cherish it as much as I could. I knew I would NEVER see half of these people ever again. I hung out with the guys that night. At 5 am or whatever time it was when it ended…Bryan and I rode back to Grant’s together. But it was just him and I for this car ride. The 2 other guys we rode with…decided to hang out longer and go back with the other car. I knew he was leaving the next day to spend the summer in San Diego with some family. By the time he would get back to Fresno, I would be moved down to Pepperdine. I was really sad. I knew what was coming…a long sad goodbye to one of my dearest friends ever. We both knew life would never be the same. The first 3 minutes of the 15 minute car ride was dead silent. Then Bryan said something like… "Why didn’t we ever get together?” Instead of pretending to be shocked by this phrase…I just said… "I don’t know”. IT was bizarre. We both knew how we felt about the other. Bryan proceeds to tell me that he liked me ALL of high school. Even before him and Jenn got together. I told him the same. I told him about how I wanted to tell him how I felt at that Mid-Year youth conference dance…and he wished that I would have. Because that girl didn’t mean anything to him. And he told me how when he and that girl decided to call it quits…and he called me over that Christmas break …he was going to tell me how he had felt about me. But instead…the first thing I said to him on that phone call was… "Guess what…Zach and his girlfriend broke up…I have a chance.” And I told him how I wish he still would have told me. By this time…we had just been sitting in front of Grant’s house for about a half an hour…talking. One of the most real conversations I have ever had about feelings and life. It’s funny how when time runs out…you say everything you always wanted to say. We were both crushed. He didn’t want to leave…and I didn’t want him to leave. We hugged and had 1 kiss and he promised to write…and so did I. And we did. And I went away to Pepperdine. We started to email…and continue to write letters. They became more sparse. He met someone at Fresno State. I hung out with them (the same way I used to hang out with him and Jenn) over Christmas Break. He wanted me to let him know what I thought of her…and I wanted to be her. And again I didn’t say anything. He was so happy. And I was happy for him. And I knew I had to step out of his life because he told me how much he liked her. I didn’t want her to be jealous of me. She didn’t have anything to be jealous of…she had him and I didn’t. I had to be the bigger person and I stepped out. I think we might have emailed each other once or twice the rest of college. I still asked all the people I know from the high school days about him. I heard he got married. I still don’t know if it was to that girl. I assumed it was. I moved to Nashville and met the man that was made for me. And my life is great!

This leads us WAY back to one of the first sentences in this entry. My mom ran into him. I knew he was an optometrist. My friend Mandi told me that in July when I was home. So my mom ran into him at the optometrist’s office. She thinks he’s taking over the current doctor’s clientele. She told me that she knew she recognized him. But he was the one that asked… "Aren’t you Angela’s mom”? (I went by Angela in high school.) She said yes. He spent the next 10 minutes asking about me. My mom said that he seemed bummed when she said that I was married. I don’t believe her. In a way. Even if I knew that Bryan wasn’t married…and I was…if I found out that he got married…I would probably feel the same. I think that’s just some random human emotion.

So what now? My mom gave him my email address. I wonder if he will write. I wonder if I will respond. OF COURSE I will. I don’t have any feelings for Bryan other than just happy recollections of him. He told my mom he was looking forward to our 10 year reunion next year. She told him that I was as well. I have realized since my mom told me she ran into him, how much I miss his friendship. Bryan is wonderful. I want my husband to know him. And I want to know his wife. I wish that we could be friends. But is that really feasible? I hope so…I guess we shall see.

Monday, October 10, 2005


What would you do if there were someone in your life that you had this overwhelming feeling that you needed to talk to them about something...but that something is very sticky?? Especially when it involves their relationship with someone else?!? I have someone in my life...and they have been heavy on my heart...and I feel like I need to say something. Except...I can't imagine this person being mad at me...or them wanting to have nothing to do with me. And I know that's the worst case scenario...but I don't know if the confrontation is worth not having them be a part of my life anymore. I rarely have this feeling. I'm usually not the person that confronts...or will call a person out on something. I am usually the supporter and listening ear. Yet in this situation, I feel like I need to say something...but I don't know if it's God telling me to do so...or if I'm just being selfish. This other person isn't necessarily being destructive to my friend...but they are influencing my friend...and my friend has just "changed" since this other person has been in their life. My heart is so burdened...and I am so sad. I just don't know what to do. Any advice??

Friday, October 07, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 10.7.05

*I am not a fan of reading and writing in large doses. I can handle reading a magazine...I can handle writing on a blog...but get me into reading literature...or writing press releases...NO THANKS!!! My mind is definitely much more math & science. I get more excited over charts and maps and graphs.

*This week I have had to deal with a sports depressed husband. Does anyone else deal with this?? And I think I am more than sensitive when it comes to this...because I am also passionate about sports...but it's one thing to be bummed after a game...but it's another thing to wake up depressed and think your world is going to come crashing down if the Red Sox don't make it to the next series in the playoffs. I'm ALL about the Red Sox. They make me happy...I get VERY upset when anyone trash talks them...but I don't get depressed about it if they don't win. At first I tried to be the soother...who tried to say something positive about the situation. That made it worse. So now I just listen to the rants...nod my head...and don't say a word. Hopefully it will work. And today might potentially be the last game the Red Sox play this year if they lose. Not that I would pray to God to help the Red Sox win...but man it would sure improve my evening/weekend!

*I took a long hiatus from Raumen noodles after college. We decided to get some a couple of months ago...and now we eat them a couple of nights a week. I had forgotten how good they are. And with gas prices soaring...a package of 15 cent noodles are very easy on the budget. Maybe just knowing how cheap they are makes them taste better. Who knows...but I'm glad the Raumen is back!

*I was born in a state I never lived in. My parents lived in Pomeroy, Washington when I was born. My dad was raised in Pomeroy, and my grandpa was a wheat farmer. So after my parents got married in California, they decided to move to Pomeroy. However, Pomeroy is so small that they don't have a major hospital. So I was born in Lewiston, ID which is about 45 minutes away. My grandma still lives in Pomeroy, however I have not been there in 8 sad!

*I have a pretty specific eating routine at work going on. I am trying to eat smaller things throughout the day to keep my metabolism going. This is my current routine:
-9:00am - arrive at work and eat a banana
-11:00am - eat a Yoplait light Yogurt
-12:30pm - eat 12 small pretzel sticks...or 12 soy crisps
-1pm - leave for the gym
-2pm - eat a Lean Cuisine Meal or Smart Ones Meal
-4:30pm - eat some carrot chips or a granola bar
This totals about 10-12 weight watchers points depending on what meal I have. It's funny how my body will usually get hungry about 10 minutes before my next scheduled snack!

*I am pretty freaked out about this bird flu that everyone is talking about. I hope it's not as serious as everyone is saying it will be. I can't believe they are predicting it is going to kill 2 BILLION people! That's like 1 in every 6 people alive will DIE! I swear that when the first case in the United States happens, I am immediately going to the grocery store and buying canned & non-perishible foods to get me through at least 2-3 weeks. And if it even comes to Nashville...I am going to NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE. I will work from home and kidnap Steve and make him work from home. And if I do have to go out...I will wear a mask & gloves. What freaks me out the thinking about my dad. He is supposed to have a stem-cell regeneration in Seatte...supposedly sometime this winter. They will basically kill every white blood cell so his immune system will be shot. I can't think about his poor body trying to fight any small flu/cold/disease without an immune system...let alone something like this. And I can't imagine not being there with him if something did happen.

*Tivo has changed my life. I can't imagine life without Tivo. It is truly FABULOUS. I love that I can watch my favorite TV shows on my convenience. Or that I can start watching a show 20 minutes after it started...and just skip thru the commercials or catch up. It's like a 1 stop shop for Television! I watch WAY MORE TV than I ever did.

*We got a digital camera this summer, and we still haven't loaded the software on the computer. I am challenging myself to do that this weekend, so that my blog can have more pictures for everyone's enjoyment. It's always cool to have a visual to go with the story. So hopefully next week...I can post a story with some pictures.


Thursday, October 06, 2005

My Addictions

I feel confident that I only have 2 major addictions in this world. I have several semi-addictions…but 2 major addictions. They are as different as night and day…but my world would be shattered if these things were taken away.

*My number 1 addiction is working out. On an average week…I run 6 days a week (Monday – Saturday) 2 miles on the weekdays, and 3-5 miles on Saturday. I don’t know if it’s the feeling that I get in my lungs when I am running, but I am fully addicted. Lately I have been going to the gym at lunch. I will usually be there for 40 minutes. I have been alternating cardio (walking for 30 minutes…I don’t want to go back to the office too disgusting) and weights. And now Steve is walking on the Treadmill at nights, so while he does that I either do pilates or an ab workout plus pushups. Working out is so addicting. The more I do…the more I want to do. I find myself wanting to do lunges down the hall at work…or calf raises if I have a curb to do them on…or shoulder presses or bicep curls if I’m holding something heavy. That’s just the way my mind thinks. If it were up to me…I’d probably spend about 3 hours a day in the gym. But there’s a HUGE downside to this. And it’s a problem…and will one day be a HUGE problem. After going through a stretch of working out 2-3 times a day, if I just go down to once a day (2 mile run in the morning) I start to feel guilty. Like I’m not doing enough. Like I’m going to lose all tone and “swell up” as someone so nicely told me once. And I hate that. **Medical side note** About 3 years ago my doctor monitored my heart for a couple of weeks because it felt like it was doing some irregular beating. He thinks I have PVC which is Premature Vascular Contractions. I guess my heart and the valve under my heart that pumps the blood beat at different speeds. So in essence my heart will skip a beat to catch up to the valve. And it’s fairly common, and it isn’t life threatening…and I don’t have to take medication. But when I don’t get my heart rate up, it really acts up. As long as I workout, I usually never notice it. This leads to my fear. Whenever Steve and I decide to have a family, and I get pregnant, and I am no longer able to run, I have this fear that I will FREAK OUT. If my heart is beating all crazy because I can’t get my heart rate up…I might very well lose it mentally. I also fear blowing out a knee or an ankle and no longer being able to run. If there’s one thing I consistently talk to God about…it’s that he protects me and keeps my joints healthy so that I can continue to run. I just can’t imagine a life that doesn’t involve running or working out. It is my true addiction. I can’t live without it.
*My number 2 addiction is lip gloss. Plain and simple. Lip Gloss. Or “Lip” as I so lovingly (and psychotically) refer to it. Preferably Bonnie Bell’s Liquid Lip Smackers in Cotton Candy. Or Bubble Gum if I need a change of pace. I can’t stand to have dry lips. I must apply it about 15 times a day. I can’t go anywhere without it. Take away my debit card…even take away my cell phone…but NEVER TAKE AWAY MY LIP!!! I must have on lip to workout…or else I freak out. I think only twice in the last 3 years have I worked out without putting on fresh lip. And during those runs…all I could think about was how I needed to get home so I could put on lip. I think I should buy stock in Bonnie Bell because I buy it in BULK. I usually have 2 “Lips” in my purse, 1 on my nightstand, 1 in the drawer where I get ready, 1 in the bonus room, and 1 at work. That way it is always near by. And I can NOT fall asleep, unless I have put on lip for the night. So there it is…addiction #2.

My smaller addictions I wouldn’t want to live without…but probably could if I absolutely had to:
*Major League Baseball – without which, I wouldn’t be able to see MARK MULDER! HOT! I always go thru a mild depression the end of October/beginning of November when the season is over. And man…there’s nothing like the first of April when the season begins!
*My ipod – I don’t think workouts would be as enjoyable without music!
*Contact Lenses – I would just make sure and get Lasik.
*Chicken – I eat chicken EVERYDAY. It’s my #1 source of protein…can’t live without it…and can’t remember the last day I didn’t eat chicken at least once.
*Vegetables – I’m sure my bowel system would be jacked up without them. Well…I think my mom feared me into making sure I always eat vegetables. I can hear her clear as day saying…if you don’t eat your roughage you will get constipated. So I never wanted to know if that was true or not. Plus…I genuinely LOVE vegetables.

Hopefully no one will over-spiritualize this. These are just earthly things. Hopefully someone doesn’t think…”oh my goodness…she didn’t put her bible on that list”. PLEASE PEOPLE…WAKE UP! Anyways, what are your addictions???

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Dressing up makes me feel better.

I love clothes. I love fashion. The only magazine I subscribe to is Lucky. It’s like a monthly shoppers guide with great ideas and lots of AMAZING clothes, 95% of which I can’t afford, but I can dream. That’s my hang up. I can’t justify spending large amounts of money on clothes. As my mom would say it best “You have wine taste on a beer budget”. But I feel like I can still dress great and feel good without spending all the money. I love stores like H&M, Nordstrom Rack, Zara, Ross, TJ Maxx & Marshalls. But at all of those stores (with the exception of H&M and Zara) you have to be in the mood to find a bargain. Because you have to dig. And most the time I don’t mind. Steve hates this type of shopping most of the time. But lately he has found some good deals, and can appreciate the bargain hunt. Even though he doesn’t really have the patience for it. And if the normal fashionista saw me, I’m sure they would frown at my outfits, and my lack of Versace or Manolo Blahnik’s. Anyways, I am starting to lose my original train of thought of why I wanted to blog on this topic. I don’t know what it is, but when I feel like I look good, it puts me in an instant good mood. Yesterday and today I have “dressed up” for work. Heels/skirts/blazers/etc. And I feel happy. I don’t know why that is. But I’m not complaining. I guess I just realized how good I feel, if I feel like I look good. And that’s probably vain, but at this point…I don’t really care. It’s like prozac without having to take the pill. Even though yesterday at the end of the day, I felt like my feet were going to fall off, I still managed to put on heels again today. Luckily this pair is much more comfortable. But it’s even worth the pain. Which again…I find bizarre. But I guess that’s just me and a new quirk I have learned. Yesterday I wanted to get lost in my bed and not wake up. I felt emotionally unstable. But I know that is the worst thing that you can do…just stay in bed avoiding the world. So I got up and made myself run as usual. Except yesterday running felt like a chore. Which that RARELY happens. But I was so glad I still did. And I dressed up. And I felt better. Although if anyone could have video footage of me trying to get ready they would have realized exactly the wreck that I am. Steve had to come home to a pile of shoes and clothes just lying in the closet. I NEVER DO THIS. But I think I put on 4 outfits before I found something I felt good in. So I guess this is my new secret that I am letting out of the bag. When I dress up, it’s usually to cover up feeling really crummy inside. You would think it would be the other way around. No one is going to ask me if everything is alright if I look like I am put together. But I actually prefer it that way. Funny…the days I am feeling most secure and confident are probably the days that I am most “dressed down”. That’s pretty out of wack! But hey…that’s my life…and I am growing to like my quirks. I have come to laugh at myself…and find actual enjoyment in it. Here are the days of embracing my flaws. Maybe this strategy will work. I’ll let you know.
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