The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day! I wish I could tell you in person. These past 5 months have been the hardest months of my life because I don’t have you here with me. I never really realized exactly how much you mean to me, until now. There have been so many days where I go to pick up the phone to call you and I can’t. It’s excruciating not being able to talk to you. I still talk to you, and I hope somehow you can hear me. I just think of it like you are my guardian angel, but that still doesn’t ease the pain. There is this void in my life that will never be filled by anyone else.

We are 10 weeks away from baby Satchel being here. I still dream of you being at the hospital and me handing him over to you, so that you could hold your grandson. The day just won’t be the same. However, I know you will be smiling down from Heaven, and you will watch over him wherever he goes. I just hope that somehow God will be able to let Satchel know how much you love him. I know he would have followed you wherever you would go, the way I used to follow you around. You should see me now. I’ve got quite a tummy on me lately. I know you would have talked to my belly and let Satchel know how much you love him. And that would have filled my heart with a joy greater than I have ever known. I so badly wanted to go through this with you. I really thought you would be here to hold him at least once. I know you were trying to hold on, but God had a different plan.

You would be so proud of mom. She is so strong. She loves you so much. She misses you really bad, and honestly I don’t know how she is holding up the way she is. I am so proud of her. I hope that she feels that you are still with her, and I hope she knows how much you love her. Because we all know you loved her so deeply. She is going to be the best grandma, and I know she will tell Satchel all about you.

Today is the first Father’s Day without you. And guess what, for the first time in baseball history the Giants are playing the Red Sox at Fenway. I know you will be on the couch next to us watching and cheering for your Giants. It would have been a perfect Father’s Day with you. We are also going to start a tradition, and make sure to either make homemade ice cream, or go out for ice cream in your honor. Our kids will know the ice cream is because of their Papa Keatts. We miss you so much today.

Most of all dad, your little girl longs for your hugs. I might never have told you, but you were my source of comfort. I don’t think I needed to tell you, I think you knew. If I ever had a bad day, I just wanted to climb next to you on the couch and tuck my head in the fold of your neck, and stay there for hours. That was my place. I long to be there now on this Father’s Day. Actually, I have longed to be there for the past 5 months. I will never forget the feeling of all being right with the world when I was in your arms. You made any problems or bad feelings melt away. You were always there. And I know you always will be, but it’s just not the same. I wish I could still call you when I have questions about the house, or the car, or just to tell you great news, or struggles I am going through. The best news is no one can ever take away the memories I have of you. They are perfect, and they are timeless. I love you forever daddy! Watch over us today and always.

Always your little girl,


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