Ahhhh...the past!

I think it’s fun when people you re-connect with people you were good friends with in years past. In the past several weeks I have re-connected with 2 of my sorority sisters. It has been so wonderful to hear what they are up to and what life is like for them. I also heard (via my mom) about one of my very best friends in high school. I would LOVE to reconnect with this person…and they are one of a handful of people that will always be special to me. But unlike the others…this friend is a guy. I have NEVER had a closer guy friend other than my husband. Bryan is really the only other guy that will always be special to me. In high school, Bryan was my buddy. Especially when my best friend Jennifer had a boyfriend…I hung out with Bryan the most. I told him all about my boy dilemmas…and he told me all about his girl dilemmas. We talked about sports and waterpolo and he let me know that he would ALWAYS school me in the pool. We had a great and interesting friendship.

THE STORY…OUR HISTORY (**warning…this may be long**)


(L-R, Bryan, me & Dallen)

We were friends all 4 years of high school. We were in Freshman English class together. That’s how we met. I’ll admit…I had a crush on him right away. When the winter formal came around (the first couple dance of the year), my best friend Jennifer told me she was going to ask Bryan. I was crushed…but couldn’t say anything because I had never vocalized my feelings. That…and my mom wouldn’t let me go to a couples dance until I was 16. Well, Jenn and Bryan hit it off. They dated for 2 years in high school. I was the third wheel with them…but they never made me feel that way. The three of us went to lunch together every single day. We were all best friends…and my feelings for him ceased. I mean he was my best friend’s boyfriend. But…Bryan and I swam and played waterpolo while Jenn was a tennis player. Then they broke up. It was weird. I wanted it to be how it always was…the three of us best of friends. This put me in an odd situation…because I’m friends with both. But Jenn and Bryan were great…and obviously knew I was still going to hang out with the other. So our junior year in high school…I hung out with Bryan…and I hung out with Jenn…but separately. Half way thru the year, Jenn started dating someone else. So this is when I started hanging out with Bryan more. Bryan had his group of friends too…whom were also great friends of mine. There was Joey, Dallen, Michael, Grant, Bryan and then me. All but Grant swam and played waterpolo as well, so they all adopted me as their friend. Isn’t it interesting how in high school you always had to have groups of friends. (Well…that is a whole other blog entry!) But Junior year was great. Bryan and I were great friends! One interesting thing…was Sadie Hopkins dance. Another one of my close friends from church asked me if I would be fine if she asked Bryan. I immediately said… "OF COURSE”. Because we were just friends…and because I was going to ask one of Jenn’s boyfriend’s friends so we could go as a 4-some. Then it happened. I got jealous. Especially when she said they had kissed at the end of the night. I never talked about it with Bryan. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and there wasn’t much of the school year left. He asked someone else to prom…and I basically had a blind date to go with my friend Nikki and her boyfriend. (AND WE HAD A BLAST…so no need to feel bad for me.)

Then it was senior year. I was student body president…so I was at school a couple of days a week for the month before school started. I found out that in our county…our school was chosen to host the Mid Year Annual Leadership Youth Conference. It’s basically where the top 10 officers from selected schools get to attend and learn about leadership and student activities. I got to choose who would be on my planning committee. Both Bryan and Jenn were there…of course. It was during the planning that Jenn came up to me one day and said (out of the blue I may add)… "You know…if you ever want to date Bryan…I’m totally fine with it. You guys always made more sense than we did”. I was speechless. Because up until that moment…I just knew Bryan was off limits…because we all know that best friends ex’s are off limits. I thanked her…and said I wasn’t sure…I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. That…and that summer I developed a HUGE crush on this other guy Zach…who I worked with at Wild Water Adventures. We were both lifeguards. So I wasn’t really thinking of Bryan during the summer. So the summer was ending…and the school year began. (And as the lifeguard season ended…Zach conveniently let me know that he had had a girlfriend this WHOLE TIME!) That would have been good to know. So then Zach was off limits…and I remembered what Jenn told me. Time passed…Bryan and I picked up where we left off…and then we went to Sonora for the week for the Mid-Year Youth Conference. I was actually getting excited because I thought I had a great plan. There was going to be this dance at the conference…I thought that would be a great time to talk to Bryan…tell him how I felt…and see where we would go. Why not…it’s my senior year…what do I have to lose. The beginning of the week was great. I noticed some flirting…but I think it was always there…I just hadn’t noticed it before. The day before the dance…Bryan pulled me aside during some downtime. I think we went for a walk or something. Immediately I thought…this is it! He’s going to tell me his feelings for me. As we are just chit-chatting…he finally said… "SO”. LONG PAUSE. My mind was racing. I was about to interrupt him to tell him how I felt first. But I chickened out. (I would come to regret this.) Bryan proceeded. “I need your advice. There’s this girl that I have kind of been hanging out with here. She’s from Clovis West…really cute. Do you think I should ask her to dance tomorrow.” Completely blindsided…and completely a conversation we would ALWAYS have (because we always gave each other advice about guys and girls) I said… "yes…you should totally ask her. Who knows if you will ever see her again.” (FROM THIS SITUATION…and a couple of others that would happen in the future…I decided you should always tell someone how you are feeling…even if it is uncomfortable and the wrong time.) But I took the high road. I supported Bryan. The dance came and went…and I sat at a table watching Bryan’s feelings grow for this other girl right in front of my eyes. He got her phone number and they would call each other for the next several months. I figured that was it. I can’t do this anymore…Bryan and I would only be friends. So we went back to the way we were. (He never knew anything was different.) But my feelings again subsided…and over Christmas break Zach would break up with his girlfriend. So that crush was back on full force. (Wasn’t it so easy to turn on and off feelings in high school?!?!?!) Over Christmas Bryan and the girl decided to stop calling each other and hanging out.

The last half of our senior year is a little blurry. I ended up taking Zach to Sadie Hopkins and Prom.


(Zach & I before Prom)

I can’t even remember who Bryan went with. Since Zach went to a different high school it was a little complicated. But we hung out quite a bit. He would come to functions with me at Sanger High. But I noticed he went with other girls to his school’s dances. (I should have taken the hint back then…now it is so obvious. I guess I was holding on to the hope.) Zach and I would never be anything more than friends. He was going away to college. I was going away to college. We would be 2 hours from each other. Bryan was staying in Fresno…3 hours from me. Bryan was super supportive through the whole Zach thing. He had to hear me be sad that Zach would go to his prom with someone else. Bryan was always supportive…and always strong. We still hung out a lot. It was our last swim season.

This leads us to Graduation. Bryan and I made sure to find each other after the ceremony.



We decided to meet up at Grant’s house then we would ride to sober grad nite together with a couple of the guys. Our group took 2 cars. Sober grad was fun. I tried to cherish it as much as I could. I knew I would NEVER see half of these people ever again. I hung out with the guys that night. At 5 am or whatever time it was when it ended…Bryan and I rode back to Grant’s together. But it was just him and I for this car ride. The 2 other guys we rode with…decided to hang out longer and go back with the other car. I knew he was leaving the next day to spend the summer in San Diego with some family. By the time he would get back to Fresno, I would be moved down to Pepperdine. I was really sad. I knew what was coming…a long sad goodbye to one of my dearest friends ever. We both knew life would never be the same. The first 3 minutes of the 15 minute car ride was dead silent. Then Bryan said something like… "Why didn’t we ever get together?” Instead of pretending to be shocked by this phrase…I just said… "I don’t know”. IT was bizarre. We both knew how we felt about the other. Bryan proceeds to tell me that he liked me ALL of high school. Even before him and Jenn got together. I told him the same. I told him about how I wanted to tell him how I felt at that Mid-Year youth conference dance…and he wished that I would have. Because that girl didn’t mean anything to him. And he told me how when he and that girl decided to call it quits…and he called me over that Christmas break …he was going to tell me how he had felt about me. But instead…the first thing I said to him on that phone call was… "Guess what…Zach and his girlfriend broke up…I have a chance.” And I told him how I wish he still would have told me. By this time…we had just been sitting in front of Grant’s house for about a half an hour…talking. One of the most real conversations I have ever had about feelings and life. It’s funny how when time runs out…you say everything you always wanted to say. We were both crushed. He didn’t want to leave…and I didn’t want him to leave. We hugged and had 1 kiss and he promised to write…and so did I. And we did. And I went away to Pepperdine. We started to email…and continue to write letters. They became more sparse. He met someone at Fresno State. I hung out with them (the same way I used to hang out with him and Jenn) over Christmas Break. He wanted me to let him know what I thought of her…and I wanted to be her. And again I didn’t say anything. He was so happy. And I was happy for him. And I knew I had to step out of his life because he told me how much he liked her. I didn’t want her to be jealous of me. She didn’t have anything to be jealous of…she had him and I didn’t. I had to be the bigger person and I stepped out. I think we might have emailed each other once or twice the rest of college. I still asked all the people I know from the high school days about him. I heard he got married. I still don’t know if it was to that girl. I assumed it was. I moved to Nashville and met the man that was made for me. And my life is great!

This leads us WAY back to one of the first sentences in this entry. My mom ran into him. I knew he was an optometrist. My friend Mandi told me that in July when I was home. So my mom ran into him at the optometrist’s office. She thinks he’s taking over the current doctor’s clientele. She told me that she knew she recognized him. But he was the one that asked… "Aren’t you Angela’s mom”? (I went by Angela in high school.) She said yes. He spent the next 10 minutes asking about me. My mom said that he seemed bummed when she said that I was married. I don’t believe her. In a way. Even if I knew that Bryan wasn’t married…and I was…if I found out that he got married…I would probably feel the same. I think that’s just some random human emotion.

So what now? My mom gave him my email address. I wonder if he will write. I wonder if I will respond. OF COURSE I will. I don’t have any feelings for Bryan other than just happy recollections of him. He told my mom he was looking forward to our 10 year reunion next year. She told him that I was as well. I have realized since my mom told me she ran into him, how much I miss his friendship. Bryan is wonderful. I want my husband to know him. And I want to know his wife. I wish that we could be friends. But is that really feasible? I hope so…I guess we shall see.