The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Friday, February 24, 2006


Guilt is beginning to flow through my veins as I begin to write this. Do you ever feel abandoned by God? I know ultimately He would never abandon us, but right now that is how I feel. I have been crying out to Him for years…and I must need hearing aids because I surely can’t hear Him…or feel Him. And with each thought I write…it’s like I’m hooked up to an IV and the nurse is injecting another dose of guilt that is rapidly spreading throughout my body. I don’t like to talk this way about my marvelous King…but it’s just the way I feel. And let’s be honest…He knows my every thought…so He already knows this. And right now I’m smack dab in the middle of pain and not understanding why circumstances in my life are the way that they are. And maybe this is God’s way of just showing me. I know it’s always when I’m in the valley times that I grow and learn life’s lessons. And I’m sure a year from now, I will look back at this and laugh at how silly I was to falter in my faith in Him. I like to be in control…and when that control is taken away (let’s be honest) I…FREAK…OUT!!! I know I have issues with handing over every ounce of me to Him. But God has also given us the ability to make choices. Although I would guess that since God knows our thoughts…and if we may be leaning one way…if He doesn’t want that path for us…He closes that door. It’s funny…because although I feel abandoned…I also KNOW in every cell of my body that He will comfort me, and take care of me, and hold my hand through this season. But today…I am at that place where I don’t feel Him. I feel alone…abandoned…with no direction…and I want to be in His will. It just seems like in times past when I am at a crossroads or in a valley I have this peace about which way to go…or what to do. And I am just so confused this time…with not an inkling of what to do. And I just want to see Him. I long to be in His presence…and see Him speak to me, so that I KNOW that I’m making the right decision. So I just wait…and hurt…and live life for one more day in hopes that tomorrow I will have that inkling of what to do to be in His will.

Monday, February 20, 2006


Okay...I must be the last person to do this meme...but I couldn't let it pass. I believe Cool Meredith tagged me on this one. Here goes!

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Waitress – DiCicco’s Italian Restaurant as well as Red Robin. Both were fun in their own ways. DiCicco’s was fine dining…and I loved everyone I worked with, and knew most of the people coming in. Red Robin was fast paced and fun.
2. Water Aerobics Instructor – I have always been a water baby. Whether it was waterpolo, swimming or diving. When I went to college, I taught Water Aerobics for a couple of semesters. The classes were open to the Malibu community as well as students. I taught A LOT of rich women whose husbands were in the Entertainment Industry. They sometimes brought me exotic gifts!
3. Intern – Black Dog Films. I worked under the very talented Vicky Mayer. She was great! It was a very cool internship, and I got to experience a lot in the world of music videos. The only bad part was the 2 and a half hour commute (thanks LA traffic!).
4. Flicker Radio Chick – The best job in the world! I am very fortunate to work at such a cool place with AMAZING artists. I have found so much passion here.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
3. Steel Magnolias
4. The Notebook – I want to be friends with Rachael McAdams!

Four places I’ve lived:
1. Pomeroy, Wa – I lived there for the first three years of my life. My dad still has family there.
2. Sanger, CA – I will always think of Sanger as home. I lived there from before I started Kindergarten until I went away to college.
3. Malibu, CA – I was truly living a DREAM! It is more gorgeous than you can imagine!
4. Florence, Italy – I studied there for a semester in college. It changed my life…it changed me…to the core. A piece of my heart will always reside there. I WILL LIVE THERE AGAIN!!! Even if it is for a couple of years after I retire. It’s just MAGICAL!

Four TV shows I love:
1. Grey’s Anatomy (oh my gosh…did anyone watch last night?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!)
2. The OC – LOVE IT!
3. Lost – The most thought provoking show I have ever watched.
4. The Today Show. It makes me happy. What can I say…Katie Couric is like my morning coffee. She gets my day going.

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. The French Riviera – Good Friends…the Cannes Film Festival…the beach…it was AMAZING!
2. Cancun, Mexico – The most perfect honeymoon. Great food…the beach…the Spanish Language…not to mention my oh so handsome husband!
3. Surfer’s Paradise, Gold Coast, Australia – We were able to chill out during our busy waterpolo schedule. I went with some kick butt women waterpolo players…and we had a blast! The waves were INTENSE, the sand was perfect and the sun couldn’t have been better.
4. Lisbon, Portugal – The coastline just west of Lisbon was amazing! I didn’t expect to find a treasure of a coastline there…but the sand was super thin and white…the water was an amazing teal blue, and it was surrounded by amazing mountains.

Do you see a theme…I love vacationing anywhere where the beach is! I really want to experience Fiji/Tahiti, and the beaches in South Africa at Port Elizabeth which my friends have said is INCREDIBLE.

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Cookies with Frosting on them
2. My dad’s homemade Ice Cream
3. Homemade Tortillas
4. Grilled Chicken

Four albums I can't live without:
1. “With Abandon” - Chasing Furies
2. “Finally Woken” - Jem
3. “Afterglow” – Sarah McLachlan
4. “J to the L-O: The Remixes” – Jennifer Lopez

This question is so not fair to any music lover or someone in the industry. I can’t imagine life without at least 20 more albums.

Four sites I visit almost daily:
1. My friends blogs!
2. Ebay
3. Yahoo
4. – I love looking at houses…and I always like to dream of owning several in many different places.

Four places I would rather be now:
1. In Steve’s arms
2. At the beach – somewhere HOT with Steve
3. Italy
4. At a day spa getting a massage, manicure, pedicure, facial…etc! I’ve never spent the day at a spa…but it sounds pretty good right now!

Four items in my purse
1. My Ipod
2. Cell Phone
3. Lip
4. Keys

Friday, February 17, 2006

Photobooth Friday

AJ Jo Scary

AJ Jo Crazy

Inspired by Brilliant Andrea...I decided to join in today on Photobooth Friday. The top picture is the SCARIEST picture of me EVER!!! I am joined by the Glamorous JoAnna, and she looks quite scared to be in the photobooth with me! Both of our expressions CRACK ME UP! She always said I look like her scary boyfriend...I tend to agree. I also think I look a bit like an ALIEN! YIKES! Okay people...the reason I look so scary is because I was deep in thought of what I could do for a hilarious pose...and that dang machine was TOO QUICK...and caught my deep in thought pose...that translated to looking like a member of the Manson family!

The second one is just crazy fun! These pictures were taken in a black & white photobooth at a movie theatre in LA before we watched Matrix 3, about 5 days before my wedding. (Which would be November 2003) I can't think of anyone else that would have a CRAZY photo shoot with me, than my sweet friend JoAnna! We are masters at taking the world's worst pictures...and LAUGHING FOR HOURS about it! Digital Cameras are brilliant because you can see the instant results. But Jo...I think we might have to hit a photobooth SOON for more HILARIOUS FUN!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

You're My Boy Blue!!!


I never knew I would love someone so much I couldn’t describe it in words. It amazes me how God knows us so well, that he knows what we need in a partner. I thought I knew what I wanted…but God knew what I needed…it was all in Steve. I didn’t believe in all of that “You complete me” mumbo jumbo…before I met Steve. Now I buy stock in it. Actually I don’t think I was ever fully complete without him. Don’t get me wrong…I am still my own person…but I don’t come alive when I am without him. He compliments me in so many ways and I’m so blessed to have him…FOREVER. I know that today more than ever. Valentine's Day is a good reminder to me of how lucky I am. Especially since I have my doubts with trusting people…I know I could trust Steve with my life. He is ALWAYS looking out for my best interest, and shows me in the most simple yet intimate ways how much he loves me. He will probably kill me for posting this picture…but I can’t help it…I LOVE IT!! It is the CUTEST picture. He looks like a big kid…with the most endearing puppy dog brown eyes that make me melt. I am truly blessed...and SO IN LOVE!!!

Friday, February 10, 2006

Randumb Ramblings 2.10.06

*Ever since I have moved into our 1st house, I am always a little uncomfortable when Steve is gone. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep. In our apartment I never thought about it because there were so many people around…and surely the person above me would have heard if I screamed bloody murder. This week I decided to close our bedroom door and lock it. I think it worked because I haven’t had a problem falling asleep.

*I know for a FACT that I’ve cried more this week than the last 6 years combined.

*Wellness Tip: Living a sedentary lifestyle (not active) does as much damage to your body as smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day! That’s something to think about!

*Tonight it is supposed to snow 2-4 inches. I LOVE THE SNOW. BUT. I’m not made to live in the snow. What can I say…I’m from California, and I am the driver they are talking about that doesn’t know what the heck to do! I love to watch the snow fall outside my window…I love to go skiing…I love to go sledding and get into massive snow ball fights…but I hate driving in it! I’m all about visiting the snow…but not living in it. Especially living in a town that is ill-prepared for it. This weekend should be an adventure for sure!

*Steve gets back tomorrow after being gone since Monday morning. I can’t wait for his return. COME HOME BABY!

*I heart the Olympics! I must admit…that I prefer the Summer Olympics over the Winter Olympics…but none-the-less…I am very excited for tonight’s Opening Ceremonies! When I was a kid, I wanted to go to the Olympics someday. I still haven’t given up on that dream…but I better decide what sport I will go in soon…because I’m not getting any younger.

*Random AJ Fact: With the exception of 1 Sanger High School Dance, I always asked my date. If I wouldn’t have done the asking…I would NEVER have gone to any dances because no one asked me out. Everyone said they were intimidated by me. WHATEVER. The one time I did get asked…it was my senior year Winter Formal. I was Student Body President, and I must admit…I…WENT…WITH…A…FRESHMAN! But…I figured…he had the guts to ask…so I was going to say yes. And yes…I had to drive because he was 14! But…it wasn’t all that bad. All the freshman girls hated me because the most popular freshman football player was the one who did the asking. Gosh…it was such a status thing back then. So funny! But man…I felt like I was robbing the cradle!

*I found out AGAIN this week that I have trust issues. One of my friends broke my trust. It hurt. And there was a good explanation, and all is fine now, but it was like a step backwards. I am freaked out to share things with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m living a life full of secrets.

*Snack of the week: Apples with either Fat-Free Caramel Dip or Peanut Butter. The points are different for the caramel dip, as opposed to the peanut butter. I don’t know the points for sure…so I’m just not going to include them. But it is a good for you snack as long as you don’t LOAD UP on the caramel or peanut butter. YUMMY!

*I did 2 things for the first time ever this week. 1 – I cried in the shower. 2 – I gave a big hug to Steve’s clothes in our closet. They both happened within 10 minutes of each other.
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