The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Absence

So I've kind of been missing in action...FOR AWHILE. The reason is...there is nothing...and all too much to write. All at once. I am typically an even keeled person. My highs aren't too high...and my lows aren't too low. But I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 months. This emotional journey really started on December 3rd. My dad had a high fever and went to the hospital. Between December 3rd and January 8th, the following took place:

*He had a very bad fever that wasn't going away
*He was visited by every infectious disease doctor at the VA
*His memory slowly faded to where he didn't know where he was...or what year it was
*He basically went into a coma...went into the ICU...and was put on life support
*They found out he contracted Herpes Incefilitis (a non-sexual form of Herpes)
*This affected the part of his brain that controlled his swallowing capabilities
*His liver fails...but after a few days he gets his liver functions back
*He wakes up and they transfer him out of ICU
*He is now on a feeding tube
*They treat him with viral medication and it helps
*We all spent Christmas in his hospital room...and it was his best day!
*That night he started having sharp pains in his stomach
*He was in a lot of pain for a week until on New Years Eve he basically went into a coma again
*The doctors said he would probably die within 24 hours
*They basically took him off medicines waiting for him to pass
*All of his doctors that were on vacation for the holidays return on January 2nd
*They are shocked at the decisions the interim doctors made...and get him back on medicine and he goes back to ICU and back on life support
*The next day they say his kidneys have failed...and they say they have done everything
*We have an anointing service and take him off life support
*The doctors expect him to pass very quickly
*My mom took the night shift...and he makes it through the night
*The next morning they transfer him to a private room so he can pass peacefully
*My mom leaves to shower and get some sleep
*While I am there, he wakes up and says he is hungry...at this point he's been without food for 5 days
*He wasn't supposed to wake up...the nurse freaks out...and the doctors rush in
*They start him back on medicines, and he is lucid
*He had a couple of good days...but the doctors are afraid to put the feeding tube back in...so they wait
*The morning of January 8th they were going to put the feeding tube in when he has excruciating stomach pain
*By noon he is sedated...transferred to ICU and intubated...again
*He has been without food for 9 days
*After many tests they discovered that a portion of his intestines have ruptured and he is too weak to have surgery
*We take him off life support for the final time, and he passed away at 7:15pm

In the midst of it all, I feel like I am going crazy. I just can't handle it emotionally. I tell my mom that I need to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. A couple of days later, I realize I am very late starting my period. Christmas morning Steve and I take a pregnancy test...and IT'S POSITIVE!!! The first thing I think is...thank goodness...I'm not crazy...just hormonal! Yes...there is going to be a baby Strouty! The due date is set for August 27th. My dad knew. He was thrilled to be a grandpa. I really thought he was fighting to meet this baby. Life never turns out how you expect. I never expected my kids to NOT KNOW my dad...their grandpa. But there must be some reason for it. Since January 8th I have experienced highs and lows. I have never felt such great loss. I feel like a part of my heart is dead...ripped to shreds. My daddy...the first man I ever loved is gone. I know I will see him again...but that doesn't make it any better now. On February 1st, I saw the baby moving all around. It's little arms and legs doing water ballet. I've never felt anything like this in my life. It's very overwhelming and mesmerizing. A new piece of my heart is born. The Lord giveth...and the Lord taketh away. And through it all...I have learned to trust Him...really trust Him...for the first time in my life.

3 Comments:

  • At Thursday, March 01, 2007 5:11:00 PM, Blogger mommy zabs said…

    i'm weeping. AJ i love you and i know your dad must have been one amazing person to know because you are so amazing and adore him. I can't say I know what you are feeling even through i lost a parent, everyone goes through it differently. But i know that it hurts and is hard. And i know a baby is such joy. Have so much grace on yourself during this time. give yourself room to be super real about your feelings. God loves you and has so much for you in this season. Wish I could hug you... but i will soon!
    Love,e

     
  • At Thursday, March 01, 2007 9:51:00 PM, Blogger meridith said…

    my heart is sad and so happy for you all at once

     
  • At Tuesday, March 06, 2007 1:13:00 PM, Blogger Sarai said…

    What an amazing journey you've been on!! First of all, I can't even imagine what it must be like to lose a parent. I know this must have been extremely hard for you. Praise God that you got to spend these last few months with him and your mom close by. And now, your little one is on its way!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I am sure you are very excited and overwhelmed! Please keep us updated on how you're feeling and baby names and plans! I love you and I've missed you! :)

     

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