The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Friday, May 27, 2005

Adventures in Cooking

So Steve and I bought a very pretty cookbook in the bargain books at Borders. It is for lowfat easy to make meals. I find myself in a rut of always making the same thing. And for the past couple of years I have been living off of Weight Watchers Smart Ones meals. But I want to cook more. It’s just hard working all day, getting home at 6:30pm and being motivated to cook something when we can just pop a meal in the microwave. Especially since Steve is always starving at 6:30pm. I REALLY enjoy cooking and have the time on the weekends, but just haven’t. So the journey is going to begin. At least on the weekends. I am still not committing to weeknights. Maybe if I can find some things that are easy that will inspire me. But now, I have hundreds of recipes to fish through. I’m so excited!

Friday, May 20, 2005

My Linguistic Profile

Your Linguistic Profile:

80% General American English
10% Yankee
5% Dixie
5% Upper Midwestern
0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Broken Heart

I never thought I could get a broken heart from work...but now I can. And it hurts!

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Most Likely to Succeed (Part 2)

Isn’t it every girl’s dream to go back to their 10 year high school reunion looking smoking hot!?!? Why does it really matter? I guess because when people go back to their reunions, they go to see who looks good, who got fat, who is bald, etc. Sure we go to see our old friends, but let’s be honest…we are human…we are interested in these things. When I was in high school, I was thin and athletic. NEVER worried about my weight…EVER. Man…to go back to those times! It all changed in college. I gained the freshman 15…and sophomore 20. All of a sudden 4 years later I found myself 40 pounds heavier than when I graduated high school. Of course since I have been looking forward to this reunion for so long…I knew I had to do something. I didn’t want to be the one to go back that they whisper behind my back…”Oh she has packed on a few!”. I know it’s vain…I can’t help it. I want all the guys I had crushes on to think to themselves, “Man…why didn’t I ask her out”. (Side note: EVERY formal I went to…I asked the guy. Except 1. That was my senior year…and a freshman asked me…and I went with him!) And I want all the girls to be jealous. Especially the Homecoming Queen that I clashed with. What is it in us that makes us think this way? I guess we (or I) feel the need to always prove something to someone. I LOVE the movie “Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion”. And YES I have contemplated what my “Post It Note” will be. I want to look smart…I want to look successful…I want to look HOT!

So I have started my regiment. It actually started in January. I feel like I am in a good routine. I am shaping up and counting down the months to the reunion. I am accessing different work out programs to see what will stick. I love to run…so that isn’t going away. I am just trying to figure out how to tone. It is a lot of fun. I love fitness…but as I get older…the harder I have to work for the results. I think I have been so focused on it because I have seen results. Like with my earlier post talking about career…that is completely out of my control. For the most part. I can’t MAKE things happen no matter how hard I try. But with my body…I can for the most part…control it. I feel the need to control something…so I guess this is a good outlet. Hopefully.
So 17 months to my D-Day. I CAN’T WAIT! I don’t know why I’m thinking so much about this…this far in advance. I guess it’s something that motivates me…and something to look forward to. So let’s raise our glasses and toast to Looking Hot and Feeling Confident! Maybe if I say it enough…I will start to believe it.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Most Likely to Succeed (Part 1)

I have been having such issues with my self-confidence lately. It has been so weird. My whole life I have always been a self-confident person. I have always felt confident in my abilities, and have felt smart. Not like genius smart, but intelligent. (I can already tell this blog entry is going to be a stretch because I don’t want to come across as sounding full of myself in any way.) I have always had issues with self-esteem…but my self-confidence has always been solid. Not lately…I guess I would say the last 2 years in particular have been really hard. It seems to get worse each day that passes.

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up a year from October. I have been prepping for this since the day I left high school. You know how every senior class votes for people to be “Most Likely to Succeed” or “Best Couple” or “Best Eyes”. I was nominated “Most Likely to Succeed”. I was THRILLED! I guess they voted for me because I was student body president, captain of the swim team, vice president of the Spanish club, FCA, Aquatics Club, etc. Basically accolades GALLORE. THE OVERACHEIVER. Therefore I knew I would spend the next 10 years SUCCEEDING to prove to everyone that I was successful. I mean I had to live up to it…right?!? And the first 5 years out of high school I was doing great! President of my sorority, Head New Student Orientation Counselor (a coveted role at my college), etc. I volunteered for SEVERAL organizations. Then I graduated…and moved to Nashville to work for the Christian Music Industry, before I started my real career. (I thought working for a record label would be such a fluff job…boy was I wrong!) My plan was to be here for 3 years, then continue with my career in broadcast news. (That’s what my major was.) At the 3 year mark…I had met Steve. So all the plans of going back to California diminished. And I’m okay with it…but it sure threw a wrench in MY plans. And then there’s my job. I like it…I love it…I DO…most of the time. And I love Flicker, everything we stand for and our artists. But being the radio promoter (and over-achiever by nature) it has taken a toll on the ego. No…not ego…much worse…self-confidence and self-worth. I go to other radio promoter’s offices (including my husband’s), and there are #1 plaques EVERYWHERE. Or they can rattle off…I have 21 #1’s. And they have been doing this half as long as me. What do I have to show for my 5 years…NOTHING! A BIG GOOSE EGG. You might as well stamp the big L on my forehead…because I’m a LOSER. Sometimes I’m tempted to tell future artists…”DON’T SIGN WITH FLICKER IF YOU WANT A #1 AT RADIO…BECAUSE I’M SURE I WILL SCREW IT UP”. Wait…what happened to the Student Body President who could do ANYTHING????? I know life isn’t about accolades and resume builders and #1 plaques…and maybe I put too much stock in those things. Maybe God led me to Flicker to teach me just that. But I just can’t get myself to be okay with it. And instead of being okay with it…I feel less and less intelligent each day. Less and less confident. Less and less creative. Less and less full of life. Instead of being the adventurer full of life…I’m the homebody who might be content going unnoticed. And I don’t like it. I WANT THE ME THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO TO COME BACK. I would be more fun…people would like me better…I would have more friends. I would be more open…?!?!?!? Maybe. The less confident I feel about myself…the less I want to share of myself with others. Some days there are glimpses of that girl. And I feel SO ALIVE…and so confident…but then she goes away.

I’m so scared to go back to my 10 year reunion as a failure. And right now…that is what I would be. I expected to be well on my way to being the next Katie Couric or Sam Ryan. Now I don’t even think I could do it because my self-confidence is so beaten up. And the sands of time are slipping through the hour glass…oh…so…quickly. I have 17 months to make something of myself. SO WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT! I have always been so great at figuring it out…so great at planning my life. And I know God’s plan is better than mine…but God…SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. I have a megaphone to my ear trying so desperately to hear you. But there has been nothing but silence for 2 years. I have 17 months…DO SOMETHING! I know it’s stupid. I’m sure some of you think I should just not go to my reunion. Or tell me it doesn’t matter. And chances are (even though I wouldn’t want to admit it out loud), I’m sure 99.9% of the people there...meaning everyone but me…won’t even remember that I was the most likely to succeed. BUT IT MATTERS TO ME. Ugh…and the journey continues.

Monday, May 02, 2005

He Gave Me The Ocean...

A couple of months ago Steve asked me to take my birthday off from work. I didn’t refuse…I’ll take a good excuse for a 3-day weekend. So this past Thursday, the day before my birthday, Steve gave me a card before he left for work. His instructions were not to open the card until he told me to. He is a thoughtful guy, so I was very excited. I knew he had a surprise in store for my birthday, so I assumed this was just to get me excited for whatever he had in store. At work, Troy (my boss) said we would take the afternoon off if I got my work done to go to the movies to celebrate my birthday since I would be gone on my actual birthday. I was excited about all the fun! So I had a meeting at 2pm, and as soon as it was over we would go to the movies. My meeting was here…and my phone rang. It was Steve…I couldn’t get it. About a half an hour later Troy called me into his office, so that I could get out of my meeting and we could be off to our “meeting”…the movies! So I walked to Troy’s office…still haven’t called Steve back…and he was in Troy’s office. Troy said…we weren’t going to the movies. Steve said…”let’s go home to pack a bag, we’re off to Destin!” I had NO CLUE. I was SO EXCITED…and in shock. Inside the card that I didn't get to open before he told me was a brochure for the resort we would be staying at. I get to go to the beach for my birthday! I love the ocean! Being a California-native stuck in Tennessee, any chance to get to the ocean is treasured…and I’m sure my husband hears this WAY…TOO…OFTEN. When I was younger…I sought peace and rejuvenation in the ocean. I never thought I would find true love. I never thought someone would love me so unconditionally I could feel it in every membrane of my body. As we are driving, I am thanking him profusely for a WONDERFUL surprise. He replies with “I wanted to give you the ocean for your birthday…you deserve more…this is the least I could do”. I always thought the ocean was a gift…I had just never had anyone give it to me. Needless to say, it was an amazing weekend! At one point on my birthday, I was laying on the beach, hearing the crash of the waves, watching the endless horizon, smelling wonderful food from the restaurant next door, feeling the wind through my hair, lying next to the man I love. Ahhhh…BLISS! I can’t explain in words how much I love my husband. But what blows my mind even more is knowing how much he loves me. He loves me so much, he gave me the ocean. He may have given me the ocean…but really he gave me a dream I never thought would come true.
Site Meter