The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Sunday, June 26, 2005

My new job...the pool manager.

Steve and I bought our first house this past December. It is perfect for us…and I LOVE IT! With the house…came an above ground pool. Steve and I were excited because of HOW HOT AND HUMID it gets here in the summertime. So April rolls around and we don’t really know what to do with the pool. It has a cover on it…there’s water in it…we have no clue what to do. Luckily Steve found all the papers for the pool, and he called the company that the previous owner of the house bought it from. They recommended someone to come “open the pool”. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Like it’s a ceremony or something. We should mark it on the Calendar and hold our hands on our hearts while they take the cover off. So the pool guy comes to our house. Of course Steve is out of town on business, so I’m supposed to soak up all the information of what to do. Well…he put together our filter…and it works! He starts to take off the cover, but there is some water on top…from all the torrential downpours in the winter. So he says he will leave the pump with me, and come pick it up in the morning. Then he recites a list of chemicals I am supposed to get. As he is reciting the list…I am noticing that the pool is an interesting shade of green…

When Steve returned from his trip, I told him the list. So one day I make my way to Leslie’s and ask for all of these things that I’m not even sure what they are. First of all…chemicals are expensive…pools are EXPENSIVE!!! I managed to spend $150 on chemicals that day…a couple days after paying the pool guy $125 for opening it. Then in talking to my dad…who was a pool manager to our pool growing up…and whom I should have paid VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO…told me I need to shock the pool before putting all these chemicals in. So off to the pool store again…for Shock. So…we put in the Shock. We wait for the next day to put in 15 pounds of baking soda…8 pounds of conditioner…chlorine…and Super Algaecide (as if algaecide wasn’t enough). Okay…that should do it. We should be good to swim in a couple of days. The next day…the pool is BLUE!!! HOORAY!!!! But it’s a little foggy…we can’t see the bottom. But we also just dumped in 100 pounds of white powder…so I think it’s okay. The next weekend we go to Chicago for 3 days. When we return…much to our surprise…the pool is that shade of green…AGAIN!!!!!!! So the next morning…Steve gets a Mason Jar and fills it with pool water to take to Leslie’s. When he takes the water out…it is crystal clear! No joke…looks like it came straight from the tap. We are scratching our heads. No clue. So he takes it to the pool store. The guys says…that’s water is perfect and safe to swim in. NO WAY…I’m not getting into the green lagoon! He asks us if we’re SURE that it looks GREEN. HELLO…how would you mistake that!?!?!? So he suggests a couple of things, so we dump $50 more into chemicals. This time it’s Acid Plus and Hardness something or other. 2 days later…SAME! So we decide to shock it again. The next day…YAY…it’s BLUE!!! But the pool guy did say to get in and scrub the sides and bottom. So I bravely get into the murkiness and brush for 2 hours. By the way…half way through, the pin that was holding the brush to the pole…magically disappeared…so I had to spend the last hour scrubbing the bottom with my foot guiding the brush.

We decide to call the pool guy who opened out pool because the water is still foggy. We told him about what the pool store said to do. He said…you didn’t need that…they were just trying to get you to buy something. GOSH…just mess with the suckers that don’t know anything about pools. I mean heck…I can’t think of anything better that I would like to spend $50 on!!! We asked if he could come and access the situation. He said…”I would…but that will cost you $70.” We decided to take a pass. But he said maybe we should try some liquid that will clear up the fogginess. That’s another $30 at the pool store. They probably know us by name now…and laugh when they see us coming thinking…”suckers”.

We put the clearness in…doesn’t help. I decide to get back in and scrub again since it’s been 3 weeks since the first brush. Well…let’s just say that there is A LOT of algae still in there. It tossed up so many particles…I almost freaked out!!! That was on Sunday. I guess I should mention that on top of all of this…our weekly routine is 3 tablets of Chlorine and 2 capfuls of super algaecide. Well…this morning…looked at the pool. It looks the same. Murky. It’s been 2 months…we’ve spent over $300 and no swimming. And for some reason…I noticed that our filter is running lower than it is supposed to. What’s next?!?!?!? Probably another $300! If you’d like to donate to Steve and AJ’s pool fund…please make checks payable to…just kidding. So are we the only ones who can’t figure this out? Does anyone have ANY IDEAS?!?!?!

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Me, Dad & Ice Cream!

Me, Dad & Ice Cream!
Originally uploaded by AJ Fabulous.
I wanted to send an update on my dad's condition. My dad went in to meet with the doctor yesterday to discuss his first blood tests since he has been doing intravenous chemo. He has been doing the intravenous chemo for 10 weeks. They have been gauging his protein levels though this whole process. When he was doing oral chemo the doctor was hoping to get my dad's levels below 400. They were originally somewhere around 2000.
A normal person's levels are under 80. The doctor said if he could get his protein levels below 400 he would make a good candidate for a stem-cell regeneration or a bone marrow transplant. At best, his protein levels got down to about 550 before they hiked back up above 1300 when the doctor decided to go to the intravenous chemo. He has been doing this new chemo that not many people have taken, so it was all going to be taking it 1 day at a time and pretty experimental. My dad's doctor is very fact based...believes in science. Whenever my sweet mom would say that she was expecting a miracle, he would kind of frown upon that. So this leads us to yesterday...

My dad met with the doctor. The doctor told my dad that his protein levels were at 139!!!! In 10 weeks! The doctor wasn't quite sure what that means. He definitely wasn't expecting that. This time when my mom said that it was a miracle...HE AGREED! So for now, he continues with the chemo to make sure it stabilizes and doesn't jump back up again. But the doctor said that my dad might not even need a stem-cell regeneration of a bone marrow transplant. So needless to say, it has been a celebration for my family! But we continue to pray that he keeps responding to the chemo. And even though the doctor has said he will never be cancer free because of the type of cancer, we still believe that this is possible.

This is a picture of an ice cream date that my dad and I went on at Superior Dairy the last time I was home. I get to go home on July 5th, so I'm sure we will have another famous ice cream date!

Friday, June 17, 2005

Ode to my Friends!

I am so thankful for all of my wonderful friends…so this is a special warm fuzzy shout out to all my friends who mean so much to me!

*Henry Steven Keatts – The Best Brother Ever! It blows my mind how much you love me. You have always protected me. Even though you are really the only person I have ever felt rage towards, you have truly become a best friend to me. Thinking back on our childhood cracks me up because of how we loved to hate each other. But I am so thankful that it all changed when I got to high school and we became really close. I wish that one day we could live in the same place again. I admire your love for our youth and making a difference in their lives. I am so proud that you are an elementary school teacher. I LOVE YOU!

*Ryanne Brown – You were my first closest friend. I will always treasure that. I don’t think I really knew what a friend was until I met you. I cherish the friendship that we had growing up. I loved how close our families were, and your parents were really second parents to me. I hope that we can continue to be friends. I would pay big money to spend a couple of days with you catching up!

*Bryan Eidal – You were my first close guy friend. I have lost touch with you, but you were one of my best friends in high school. I can’t imagine what high school would have been like without you. Thanks for watching out for me, and caring for me, and being interested in me and my feelings. And for helping me be a kick butt water polo player!

*Michele Rahn – I have lost touch with you, but am distraught about it. I want to get back in touch and be great friends with you again. I think of you so much. You always made me laugh! I have treasured memories with you, and do not want our friendship to end. You are always on my heart and I think of you and pray for you often.

*Monica “Moses” - You are a fashionista! But you are so much more than that. We have shared so many experiences. Deep conversations, St. Patrick’s Days, not to mention dares. You are an adventurer and I love that about you. You inspire me to live life to the fullest!

*Janet Mitchell – My sweet cousin! I have always looked up to you. I admire you so much. When I was little I wanted to be just like you. You have such a magnetic personality and I am drawn to that. Thanks for loving me so much and showing me an amazing example of a sacrificing mom! You are one person that my heart aches that we don’t spend more time together.

*Jennifer (Ratzlaff) Kirtland – You are the only friend that I have never argued with. We were two peas in a pod. I could spend days and days with you and never get tired of being around you. We were connected at the hip all throughout high school, and when I think back to high school, I can’t really think of a memory without you in it. I love everything about you, and we had so much in common. I know we will always keep in touch for the rest of our lives.

*Melany Bubenik (soon to be Seidel) – You are a treasured friend. You know so much about my heart, and I feel like I know about yours. We have the best conversations and have been through so much together. You were my first spiritual side kick. I felt like we experienced God together. I could talk with you for hours and hours. I’m so excited for your upcoming wedding!

*Kat Davis – You are such a dear friend. You make me happy. I love that you will be silly to just brighten my day or make me laugh. I love how our friendship is low maintenance. Even if a long amount of time has passed since the last time we have talked or seen each other, we can just pick up where we left off. I feel so comfortable with you and trust our friendship so much. I know that whatever I tell you will be held in confidence, and that means the world to me. I value your opinion so much. Whenever I’m around you, I feel completely loved…and that’s such a wonderful feeling.

*Elizabeth Jackson – I don’t know if I’ve ever connected with someone else so quickly. I’ve definitely never trusted someone so quickly. I instantly felt comfortable with you. You have such a sweet spirit that is so attractive. I just want to be around you because of it! You are so REAL, and that is so inspiring. I wish I could be more real with people. I also love that you are such a passionate person. When there is something that is important to you, you are behind it 110%. And you are not afraid to express your passions with others. I miss having you in Nashville!

*Tonia East – I don’t even know the words to describe my dear friend Tonia. You are a kindred spirit. I feel like my soul is attracted to your soul. We have a connection that I can not describe. We can be silly together, and have dance parties, but we can also be very serious. You have walked with me through the toughest time in my life. I will always be grateful to you for that. You have definitely seen all of me, and a lot of my friends haven’t. I look to you for wisdom and guidance and trust it. Your opinion has always meant so much to me. I know that we will always be close and our families will be close. You are family to me!

*JoAnna The Glamorous – My traveling partner! I love roaming this country with you! And hopefully one day we will go international! Beyond that, you are an AMAZING WOMAN. I look up to you so much. I feel like we relate on so many levels. Thank you for stretching me…and asking me tough questions…and loving me through it. I love how you can be silly and serious. There’s no one else that I just love to gab with about pop culture…and life. You are the true definition of a friend. I know you would sacrifice anything for me if I needed it. That overwhelms me…and makes me feel loved.

*MaryBeth Stephens – My Sweet B! My partner in crime! I always know I’m up for a good adventure when I’m with you, because that’s what we do…find adventures! My heart feels at home when I am with you or talking to you. Just the thought of you brings the biggest smile to my face. You bring me such joy and happiness. You have the most infectuous laugh. You are everything that is beautiful and good in this world. I love your heart…because it is so caring and loving. I love story time with B…because you always have stories! Although it may never happen, I wish for us to be in the same place. I wish for us to grow old together. It breaks my heart not being able to see you on a consistent basis. You are the sister I never had and my best girlfriend.

*Stephen Kenneth Strout – The love of my life and my Sugarbear! No one loves me like you. I never imagined a love like ours could exist. My heart belongs to you and you only. I never imagined I could feel empty when I am not around you, but it feels like I can’t breathe fully when you are not around. Even when I try to see how far I can push you on certain things, you love me even more and it is incredible. You are so patient with me. All of my troubles dissolve in your affection! I love you forever and this is only the beginning!

And to all of the other people that have held special places in my life…thank you! You have made me who I am. Kimberly McCollough, Melissa Baird, Lisa Leetch, Michelle Sproat, Nikki Vincenti, Holly Olson, Brooke Azares, Lindsey Buckman, Erin Paulsen, Karin Stinton, Anna Smith, Tanya Jackson, Jeff Gustin, Geof Barkley, Kim Nehs, Heather Bolin, Aubrey Dickerson, Chris Poisat, Tony & Sherry Libby, Leslie Wormer…okay this is getting too hard. Don’t hate me if I have missed you and you are special to me. It’s hard to look back over the course of 27 years and come up with all of the special people. But man…I have just realized how blessed I am!

Thursday, June 16, 2005

PROUD WIFE! I am going to brag on my husband for a bit. I already know that he's a brilliant writer...and a creative genius...and practically a baseball historian (even though he would deny that)...but this story proves it! A couple of months ago Steve told me about this contest he was thinking about entering. It is a Fantasy Baseball contest put on by Yahoo. have to write essays about certain topics in baseball, and the top 12 will be selected to play the 2nd half of the baseball season in Fantasy Baseball. The winner gets a monetary award, plus a 1 year job with the San Francisco Giants. I told him he should DEFINITELY go for it! It is a dream of his to work for a major league baseball organization. So he wrote his essays, and emailed them away. The top 25 would know by the end of April. End of April came and went and nothing. OH WELL! At least he submitted something. Fast forward to middle of May, Steve is in Dallas, I just got back from a promo tour, and there were 3 stickers on our door from Fed Ex. So I go to pick up whatever is being sent during my lunch break. I am a little disappointed when I find it is just a folder from Minnesota! I was thinking maybe we got a fun package from a family member or friend. It was addressed to Steve, so I called him in Dallas to see if he wanted me to open it since he wouldn't be home for another 2 days. It was from some marketing group. He didn't know who it I just opened it. IT WAS FROM YAHOO! He had made the top 25! One problem...the deadline to return your resume was YESTERDAY! So they Fed Ex'ed it Thursday to arrive at our home on Friday and now we are at Tuesday. But it was due Monday! What kind of company gives you the weekend to do this, without notifying you over phone or email??? So I call Steve back in a panic. It was already due! Luckily there was a phone number so I gave it to Steve and he called the woman. He calls me back 5 minutes later to tell me that the committee is meeting this afternoon if we can fax a resume to them ASAP. WHAT?? I just finished my lunch break, Steve's in Dallas, and his resume is on our computer at home 20 minutes from the office!!! SHOOT! Oh well...luckily I work with cool people who let me go home to fax his resume. Hopefully it got there in time!

Fast forward to yesterday...5:51pm to be exact. My husband calls. He asks what I'm doing. I tell him just finishing the last 10 minutes of work. Then it comes..."So, I got a phone call today". Instantly I think OH GREAT...what NOW!?!? (His family has been having a rough time, so I assumed it was something with his family.) He said..."Yahoo called...I made the final 12". Just as non-chalant. I scream..."WHAT!!!!!" He said that the guy left him a message, and then he left the guy a message, so he doesn't know details. BUT MY STROUTY HAS MADE THE TOP 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF HIM!!!! Later in the evening, the guy calls Steve back. What I want to know is HOW MANY PEOPLE ENTERED. So I'm standing right next to Steve trying to hear what the guy is saying...and I keep nudging him saying..."ask him how many people". So finally Steve gets around to it. Well...OFF THE RECORD...more than 20,000 people applied. That's right...that's not a typo...20,000!!! AND HE IS IN THE FINAL 12!!!!!!!!!!! He's just excited he gets to play Fantasy Baseball. MY HUSBAND IS THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!! And I want to shout it from the mountaintops! I'm so excited for him...and obviously SO VERY PROUD!!!

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Music Madness

Glamorous Jo has passed the "musical baton" on to me. Glam Jo is the most Glamorous woman in the WORLD! Since I want some of her Glamour to rub off onto me, I guess I will give it a shot…even though I know that after I post my answers…I will come up with other music I should have put on the list, and let it eat at me for the next week. I’ve changed it up a bit…because I like Categories when it comes to music. I hate doing this off the top of my head…but here’s goes!

**Total volume of music files on my computer(s):
Hmmm…that is on my husband’s computer…but my ipod says I have 1671 songs on it.

**The last CD I bought was:
Steve just bought Coldplay which I really like. For my birthday I got Anna Nalick and Tegan & Sara which are both great albums!

**Song playing right now:
“Breathe (2am)” – Anna Nalick

**Five songs I listen to a lot at the moment:
1. “Whatever You Want To Do” – Jennifer Lopez
2. “Come On Closer” – Jem
3. “Wouldn’t Like Me” – Tegan & Sara
4. “Yahweh” – U2
5. “Stereo” – 4th Ave Jones

**Five songs that mean a lot to me:
1. “Feels Like Home” - Chantal Kreviazuk
2. “Push” - Sarah McLachlan
3. “This is Your Life” – Switchfoot
4. “Nothing” – Chasing Furies
5. “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” - Aerosmith

**Five songs that get my booty shakin’:
1. “Play” – Jennifer Lopez
2. “Hey Mama” – Black Eyed Peas
3. “Crazy in Love” – Beyonce f/ JayZ
4. “Karma” – Alicia Keys
5. “Hey Ya” - Outkast

**Five songs that rock:
1. “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” – U2
2. “One Step Closer” – Linkin Park
3. Pillar’s version of “Sunday Bloody Sunday”
4. “Salvation” – The Cranberries
5. “My Sacrifice” - Creed

**Five songs that I like a lot but didn’t fit into any of these categories:
1. “Yesterday” – The Beatles
2. “Come Away With Me” – Norah Jones
3. “Everything Will Be Alright” – The Killers
4. “Clocks” – Coldplay
5. “Taboo” – Mancy A’lan Kane

Okay…that’s it! I already know I’m missing some great songs that I love. Oh yeah…and feel free to laugh at my musical taste…YES…Creed is on my list. Come on…you all knew you liked them when it was cool to like them…even though now you will vehemently deny it. I don’t know anyone else that blogs…so I guess the baton gets passed on to oblivion. This was fun…and STRESSFUL! But mostly FUN!

Thursday, June 09, 2005


Sometimes I think I was meant to be the 6th character on Desperate Housewives. But then I remember I’m not a housewife. That…and my marriage is great. So maybe I wouldn’t be a good character afterall. But I sure am desperate. I looked up the meaning of desperate. The dictionary says:

a. having lost hope
b. giving no ground for hope

This led me to look up despair.

despair - to lose all hope or confidence.

That sounds about right. Since Monday I have just been down on life. I feel so lost and desperate. I am restless. Just when I thought I found a place of contentment at work…I am restless again. I have been feeling this way on and off (mostly on) for over 2 years now. And it is SO ON right now. I had a serious talk with God…OUTLOUD…on my way home from work yesterday. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know where I want to go. I’m just lost and need direction…DESPERATELY. I feel like I don’t make a difference in this world. But for some reason, I feel like I was meant for more. I feel like God has given me gifts that I should be using…but I don’t know what those gifts are…and I don’t know what I was meant to do. I feel like I have been fairly patient. Afterall, I’ve been waiting for some kind of sign or direction for over 2 years. And I’m not looking for grand advice…unless it’s straight from my Creator’s lips. At Church on Sunday we had a couple of guest speakers, and one of the pastors said that he was talking to God in the shower and God answered him back. Right away. I think that started the frustration. And not that it’s the same for everyone…but it makes me want to tell God…”I’ve been waiting patiently for over 2 years and nothing…when that guy asks…it’s immediately responded to”. But I know it doesn’t work that way. I’m trying to keep patient. But each day that goes by I feel like I lose a little more hope. In the past I have always felt a slight nudge that I know was straight from God. I guess I’m waiting for that again. In the meantime, I do everything I can to not slip down the slippery slope of depression. I can handle despair and desperation…but depression…SCARES ME SO BAD. I don’t want to go back there again. Instantly I am flung into emergency reaction mode. All of the mind exercises that my therapist taught me come back. And I go through them in my head…and I’m okay. Sort of. Then I have to start them all over again 5 minutes later…and tell myself I’m okay. And pretend I’m okay to the outside world. And just type HA HA HA when someone IM’s me to make it look like I’m okay.

But then I am fine the next day. And then the next day the cycle begins again. I think it’s a mental game. All I know is it’s one game I don’t like to play. I just have to be mentally tough when some days I just want to melt into the earth and just disappear for no one to ever find me and hope they will just forget I was ever there. But that’s not realistic. I just want to feel alive. Feel like I have a purpose. Is that too much to ask for. I just want to be happy…heck…I would settle for content. I wish I wasn’t a big dreamer…because then I wouldn’t be disappointed. Because right now I am disappointed with my life. And that is sad. I’m sure there are people out there that are envious of my life. Then I feel sad for some celebrities…because they have “MADE IT BIG” in the eyes of the world…yet they are as sad and lost as I am. I say that to make myself think that if my career dreams in life were to come true…I might still feel as unfulfilled as ever. And I know that God is the only thing that can satisfy me…and he does. I feel like I am at a very good place in my faith…is it bad to want more. I want to be used. It’s not like I’m asking for money or celebrity. I just want to feel that I have purpose and make a difference in people’s lives. That’s all I have to say…I feel like I’m talking in circles now. Ugh…desperation creeps in again.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Hot Flash

(Warning…this blog may get a little graphic…enjoy!) Guys have it SO EASY. I remind my husband of this regularly. They don’t have to have periods…they don’t have to deliver children (not that I know what it’s like…but I can imagine based on what friends have told me)...they don’t have to go through menopause, etc. I really shouldn’t complain. I don’t get cramps, I don’t have to put on a heating pad, my periods don’t last long and aren’t heavy. But about twice a year I will have heavy periods. Today my good ole’ friend TOM (Time Of Month) came for his monthly visit. I had to stop by Walmart on the way to work to pick something up, and while I was paying…I felt him coming. I needed to get to work IMMEDIATELY. I drive like a grandma usually, but today was the quickest trip I have ever made from Walmart to work. Ahhh…there’s nothing like the feeling of a fresh tampon. But something was telling me that today was different. That this period was going to be the granddaddy of them all. And it is all that and more. I don’t get headaches…I have a headache…it feels like someone is ripping out my insides and pulling my ovaries out of my body. I feel like my head is somewhere else and I am floating. Everytime I stand up the blackness creeps in like I’m about to pass out, but then just as it’s about to turn all black the light comes back. The room feels like it’s spinning around me. My neck is weak…my legs are weak…come to mention it my whole body is weak. My fingers are tingling. Basically I just want to go home…lay on a couch under a blanket and sip hot chocolate. Whenever people step into my office…the most common sentence that comes out of their mouths is “It feels like a sauna in here”. So I call my office The Sauna. I like it hot. I get cold easy, so I’m always wrapped in a blanket at home, or have my heater blasting at work. Yes…even in July!

So this afternoon…one of my bosses comes into my office to have me come listen to an artist sing some songs to get a radio perspective. So I walk down the hall. They start singing the first song. CRAP…I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW!!! But I can’t run out of the room to my office to get a tampon and high tail it into the bathroom. I can’t wave at them and yell STOP so I can momentarily run to the bathroom and change my tampon. So I just smile as they are singing…thinking…”WHEN IS THIS SONG GOING TO END SO I CAN LEAVE”. But my boss proceeded to have them play 5 SONGS. 5 SONGS!!!! After the 1st song…everyone in the room was like…it’s freezing in here. Normally I would be the one saying that. But I was sitting there sweating like a PIG. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I think to myself…”I’M HAVING MY FIRST HOT FLASH”. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!! And it felt like blood was going to start dripping down my leg at any minute. But I’m trying to act cool and calm and give my opinion of the song…so I just cross my legs as I’m standing JUST IN CASE. They are still talking…but I can’t stand it ANYMORE…I politely walk out the door…okay…maybe it wasn’t politely…I just left. I high tail it to my office to get a SUPER tampon. Just as I reach for my purse a co-worker comes in and says “Do you want to hang up your wipe board now…or tomorrow. I wanted to shout…”I DON’T CARE…JUST LET ME GET MY TAMPON AND GET IN THAT BATHROOM!!!!” But I just said…”Why don’t we do it tomorrow”. He continues to talk…STOP TALKING! I just smile…and he finally turns around and leaves…I grab a tampon and head for the bathroom. CRAP…there’s my boss…LEAVE ME ALONE…just as he is about to say something I just BRISKLY SLAM OPEN the door to the bathroom and ignore him. THANK GOODNESS I MADE IT BEFORE THE BLOOD EXITED MY BODY…but it was just on the verge. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world! Ahhh…relief again! I notice that the sweating is ceasing…but my armpits are soaked. Luckily I have a shirt on that you would NEVER notice. I wash my hands and head back to the office. My boss immediately enters and wants to know the stats of a song at a certain station. I am obviously frustrated. I just want to be left alone in my PERIOD MAYHEM! He asks…”Are you okay”. I said…do you REALLY want to know. He said…yes. Sometimes I need to be a little more candid. I just blurted…”I am having the worst period of my life…and I think I just had my first hot flash”. He paused…not knowing what to say…then finally said…”Maybe you’re pregnant”. (He always likes to say this to me for some reason.) I said rather loudly…”There is A LOT of blood coming out of my body…I don’t think I’m pregnant”. DON’T GUYS KNOW WHAT HAVING A PERIOD IS?!?!?!? HE’S MARRIED…COME ON!!! Maybe there’s something I don’t know…but I figure if there is A LOT of blood coming out of my body…I can safely assume I am not pregnant! Stop assuming! Again...he was speachless. All he managed to say was...I'm sorry. By the way…DID I MENTION THAT I AM A LITTLE MOODY! I am freezing again all of a sudden…on comes the heat!

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Big City a Small City

I just got back from Chicago on Saturday. I have been fortunate to have gone to Chicago twice in 6 weeks. I LOVE Chicago. I love that you can get wherever you need to go without a car. I love the idea of living in a big building…and seeing an amazing skyline everyday. I LOVED living in LA. I wish you could get around LA without a car…but that’s impossible. I have only spent 24 hours in NYC, and LOVED it. I really think I was meant to be a big city girl. I love everything about the Big Cities. BIG business…BIG buildings…lots to do…great shopping…lots of sounds…lots of activity. Great food…no…FABULOUS FOOD! Lots of opportunity to meet new people. Then I wonder what the heck I am doing in a small suburb of Nashville. And I do love it. I love the quietness…I love the genuineness of the people…I love the slow pace of life…I love how it’s family oriented…I love the COST OF LIVING. But I long for the big city. I don’t know why. Sometimes I think if I moved to a big city…I would miss the little city…actually I know I would. I think I’m worried that my window of opportunity is coming to a close to living in a big city…and maybe that’s what makes me long it even more. I know I don’t want to raise a family in a big city…I just want to be a big city girl for like a year or two. An even bigger dream would be to do it in Europe! But I know there’s NO WAY I’ll ever convince my husband of that. (Because I’ve already tried!) I love being married…it’s the best! I love my husband more than anything else on this earth…but I mourn being independent and selfish. I mourn that I can’t just go wherever I want whenever I want anymore. And I’m sure I could…but that would make me the kind of wife I DON’T want to be. I don’t know wherever all of this leaves me. Confused…and full of day dreams. I guess that’s not all that bad.
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