The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Tuesday, August 16, 2005


I saw him yesterday. HIM! The guy that I let rule my heart for ohh…a good 9 years. Yikes! I hadn’t seen him in over 4 years. Let me give you some background. When I was 15 I met him. It was a very magical moment to a 15 year old. There was something different about him. (Let’s call him Nine to give him a name.) I had the biggest butterflies in my stomach…instantly. And just felt a connection. It is hard to shake…I can still feel that feeling just thinking about it. I felt like my life would never be the same. That he was in my life for a reason. Let me remind you…I WAS 15 YEARS OLD…VERY YOUNG! Nine was in a band…and he gave me his address. Which I took very seriously…and I’m sure he thought he just had another fan. So I wrote. And he wrote back!! Which pretty much changed my world!!! I had a bonafide crush! My first BIG crush! And during these 9 years I liked other guys, but never took any of them seriously. Couldn’t commit because in the back of my mind…I just knew I had a chance with Nine. (Even if it was 1 in a million…I thought there was a chance!) None of the other guys gave me the butterflies the way Nine did. So we wrote on and off. I would see him whenever he was in my neck of the woods. This continued through college. When I was in college I would go early to the concert and we would hang out before the show. Then his band broke up and I lost touch. His email address changed. I was crushed…but had faith that I would run into him again. So I moved to Nashville after I graduated. I wasn’t even here a month…and sure enough…I ran into him. He was with a new band now, and I happened to go with my roommate to this new band’s event. He gave me his phone number. This was a big step…I thought! So we started calling. He was traveling a lot. When he was in town we would get lunch. Then he would travel some more. Then we would hang out outside of lunch. He came over…hung out…we got dinner at a really nice restaurant. I was smitten. He told me nice things about how he really enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to again whenever he was in town. He gave me the world’s biggest hugs! His smile melted my heart and I felt like his eyes pierced my soul. Then it happened. HE…NEVER…CALLED…BACK. NEVER. NEVEREVER!!!! I called once a month for 3 months. I left three messages. None were returned. I was crushed. I thought everything was great! I thought things were actually now happening. I THOUGHT I felt a relationship forming. I must have been SO WRONG! Mutual friends said he was spooked because of my age. He was 11 years older than me, and at the time I was 23. What a dumb reason not to like someone. But now I know it was probably just a reason that covered up the fact that he must have not liked me like that. I had to let go…SOMEHOW. It was so hard because it had been so long…and there was no closure. No real reason. NOTHING. I prayed and prayed to run into him. And I didn’t. I would see his picture in the trade magazines and just HURT. 9 years out of 23 years on this earth is A LONG TIME. And let’s face it…it started out as crush/dream. I was young and fantasized way too much. So it hurt. Many months went by and I still had hope. (I was such a MORON!) And then the most amazing thing happened to me. My sweet husband Steve walked into my life. And Steve was made for me. And I want to be with Steve. I don’t want to be with Nine. And Steve knows about Nine…and knows how he affects me. And he is so understanding. And just loves me through it. And about a year ago, I told God…please don’t let me run into Nine. If I do run into him…let it be because I am at some industry event where I will have a head’s up that he might be there. Of course at all of those events I never see him. This brings us to yesterday. Steve and I went to the mall at lunch. I need to get a new prescription to get new contacts and glasses, and I wanted to check out Lens Crafters in the mall. We were about 3 stores away from Lens Crafters, and I am distracted by Finish Line because I need new running shoes. As I’m looking in Finish Line…I tell Steve…maybe we should go in there after Lens Crafters. It’s at that moment that I look in front of me and lock eyes with Nine. It was totally in slow motion. He was walking towards me…and I was walking towards him. And he half way smiles and my jaw drops open. 4 YEARS LATER. My eyes are finally able to break the trance and I kept walking. Up until that moment, I thought that when I saw him I would stop and say hello. Instead I just kept walking and say….”OH FFFFFFFFFFFFF”. I’m not really the cursing kind. Especially a word of that magnitude. And all that came out was the F sound. And Steve was like…”what’s wrong…what’s going on?” I quietly say…we just walked by Nine. We walk into Lens Crafters. I wanted to see if they had a certain frame that I saw in California when I went with my mom to the eye doctor. I managed to ask someone on the staff…but I really didn’t care. I was in a daze. I just left…I didn’t want to be at Lens Crafters anymore. Maybe the Finish Line would help. I couldn’t find the shoe that I wanted. But I wasn’t really looking. I ask Steve if there’s any place he needs to go. He says no. So we proceed to be on our way out of the mall. We walk by Nine AGAIN. By this time I am sick to my stomach. I know he saw me. He knows I saw him. I wanted to stop. I couldn’t. I didn’t feel it was appropriate with Steve there. I don’t know why??? The rest of the day I was traumatized. Like I had just seen a really gruesome car accident that I couldn’t get out of my brain. My appetite went away and I wasn’t able to eat lunch or dinner. Nine isn’t going to hold a warm fuzzy place in my heart. I won’t let him. He blew me off. He is an important person in my life…but it’s not warm fuzzy. Yet…I don’t know how even now…I can’t get over it. When I got back to work…there was something in me that wanted to rush back to the mall to see if he was still there. I don’t know why? I managed to stop by at Walmart on the way home…and got some Downhome Punch. I haven’t done that since I have been married. I’m sure it took Steve by surprise. Not that I drank a lot…but I needed something to take the edge off. (This is NOT an endorsement to drink your problems away.) And I was fine. And Steve was wonderful. And today I am better. I now think the reason Nine was in my life was to protect me from other relationships. I suppose if I only have 1 person like that…it isn’t all that bad. I was so focused on him I didn’t get serious with anyone else. That left me pure for my husband. And I am thankful for that. Although…sometimes I think the emotional relationships are much harder than the physical. But I wouldn’t fully know that…it’s just a hunch. I’m still wondering why I had that reaction yesterday. I’m left here mystified.

Friday, August 12, 2005

"5" MEME

Okay…I still don’t get this meme thing. But I think I just copy what Jo asked me to do, so here goes:

5 names I can’t use for my future kids: (Because names that end with an X sound or an S sound are a train wreck next to Strout)

5 Movies you’ve seen recently:
*Wedding Crashers (Hilarious…but crass)
*Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Johnny Depp is BRILLIANT!)
*Dukes of Hazzard (It had it’s funny moments…it had it’s stupid moments)
*Planet of the Apes (It was okay until the ending)
*How to Lose a guy in 10 Days (One of my most favorite movies EVER)

5 nice things that happened to you lately:
(This is a surprisingly tough question…I think 5 bad things that happened would be easier to remember, but here goes)
*My husband got Titans tickets given to him and he decided to take me instead of one of the guys!
*We found a GREAT steal of an airfare for me to go to Maine with my husband in two weeks!
*I got a random email from a random person that was very flattering.
*Someone told me I have great freckles…that made me feel good.
*Steve brought me back a very fun bag from Equador…I love it!

5 Magazines you subscribe to:
I only subscribe to 1…LUCKY

I don’t know anyone else that blogs that hasn’t done this already…so I guess this branch of the tree ends here.


Isn’t it amazing to think that one little decision can affect the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! When I really think about it…it makes me not want to make ANY decisions. I think that is because I have seen the decisions that I have made that I would have done so differently. I know hindsight is 20/20, and I know that God’s plan is better than mine…but what if I would have chosen things differently?!?!? Where would I be? Would I be happier? God allows us choice. It’s easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side, but it not always is. That has made me so gun shy on decisions. When I think things are bad, or not going my way…I have to remind myself how much worse they could be. But what if they could be better…I will never know. I don’t want to look back at life and think I have made the wrong decisions, but that is how I feel today. So far from where I THOUGHT I would be. So far from Contentment. A couple of days ago I was talking to Steve about this. He said he doesn’t think we will truly be content until we get to heaven. I quickly disagreed, listing people that are happy. But come to find that our definition of contentment is different. I view contentment as a rung under happy. He views contentment as the ultimate place of rest and peace. So according to his definition I guess I would agree. No matter how happy you are with your career, or family, or possessions…there will always be something that fails you. Fails all of us. We are human. This is a fallen world. I can’t wait to be the kind of content that my husband talks about. How amazing Heaven will be! But I feel like I have A LOT of life here on earth…Lord willing. So I guess the quest for happiness on this earth continues. I have been hung up lately on wishing I could start over. I wish I could go back to registration for my first semester at college where I decide what my major is going to be. But…then that means all of the drama that went a long with college and beyond…and all of my struggles. I wouldn’t want to go through that again. But I think I would still choose that…because it’s a bad place to be when you feel that at 27 your life is over. This isn’t really how I feel…but kind of. It makes me NUMB. I feel very sorry for myself. I don’t know what is going to make me feel differently. There will be something. I BELIEVE IT. I just wish it would come soon. This 3+ year valley has made me VERY tired. I want to feel alive. I want to be excited to get up every day. And some days I feel that…and it is intoxicating. I WANT MORE. But it goes away. I want my husband to know the woman that I really am. But I am terrified he will never meet her. But through this all…I have faith that one day it will change. One day I will get there. Even though there are instances where I just feel mad at God…I know that I know that I know…one day I will look back at this and thank God for what he has brought me through. In the meantime, I continue to walk this valley anxiously searching for the mountain to climb.
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