The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Thursday, March 31, 2005

Issues with Fairness

My whole life I have had issues with fairness. Of course it started with what I thought was sibling preferential treatment. Granted...sometimes this worked to my advantage. But that's another story of pure rage I used to feel towards my brother. I love him more than anything now, that's why I can say that. But before 8th grade...we HATED each other. Anyways...back to fairness. When I was 14 or 15, I used to go out with my brother Henry who is 2 years older than me. So when he was 16 and could drive, we would go over to friends houses to hang out. We stayed out until wee hours of the morning. It was SO MUCH FUN! Bon fires in the summertime with great company and just looking up at the stars until 3am...ahh those were the days! Then I turned 16...and my parents dropped a 10pm curfew on me. brother continued to have none. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! Even if I wanted to ride with my brother and I wasn't driving like before I turned 16...they still wanted me home at 10pm. So I would have to drive seperate because my brother WAS NOT coming home at 10pm. The excuse..."You're a girl". Yeah...and who has taken self-defense? ME...not my brother. And it's our friends house that we always go's not like we are going to raging parties. It all began. For a while my motto was..."Life's not fair". I went on a quest to make life fair. Boy did that FAIL MISERABLY! I guess I have finally come to grips that no matter what I do, life will NEVER be fair. Whether it's questioning why my dad has cancer, why one kid gets grounded for 2 weeks if they get a B on their report card while another kid gets $20 for the same B, or why the person in front of me at the ice cream shop ordered the same thing I did but theirs was twice as big. It enrages me! And I'm sure God has a bigger plan that I don't understand. But why do I dwell on these things FOREVER!?? Why are some people okay with the fact that life isn't fair?? Why do I let it overtake me? If I put in extra time one day at work, I feel like I should go in late the next day. But it doesn't work that way. And I FREAK OUT on the inside. I don't know why I feel so led to be so passionate about life being fair. I wish I wasn't!

Monday, March 28, 2005

"The medicine isn't working..."

These are words the cancer doctor told my mom this week. 8 months ago tomorrow my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It's a plasma cancer that attacks your bones. I don't fully understand it. All I know is that for the past 8 months my dad has been sucking down poison to try and kill the venom that resides in his body. And's not working! Get dad doesn't even know it. My dad went up to Washington to spend some time with his mom (my grandma) who had knee replacement surgery. The doctor called my parents home to tell my dad to come in IMMEDIATELY. Except he won't be home until Thursday. So he is scheduled to see the doctor first thing Friday morning. My mom told me all of this yesterday...Happy Easter to me! Then I was supposed to call my dad to wish him a Happy Easter...and pretend that everything was peachy! Because that's what my family has gotten so good at lately...pretending that everything is okay. And they have told me to not cry, be happy, be positive. I don't know how much longer I can fake it. As I called my grandma's home last night to wish everyone a Happy Easter...I faked it...again. My husband even congratulated me for sounding so positive. I think I should act...because I could definitely win an Oscar for all the FAKING I have had to do lately. Part of me likes faking it...because then I don't have to explain AGAIN that not everything is okay. Who knows...maybe if I fake it long enough...I will actually believe it myself. And people WONDER WHY I AM BORDERLINE DEPRESSED! No...I'm not just I'm not just in a BAD MOOD...I'm tettering at the edge of depression. AND NOW THIS?!?! The POISON ISN'T WORKING!!! It was easy to fake it thinking that it was working...NOW WHAT??? I guess they change the medication and start over. Just last month the doctor told my dad everything was going great...and that he was really getting close to recommending him for a stem-cell regeneration. A step that can lead my dad into remission. I don't know what is going to happen now. All I know is that I had to pretend to be happy talking to my dad last night...when I just wanted to hug him and see him and let him know how much I love him and miss him. All the small talk CRAP about the weather was killing me. I just wanted to hear his voice. Don't get me wrong...I love talking to my grandma, and aunt and uncle who were also there...but I just wanted to talk to my daddy! 11 years ago next month, I lost my grandpa (my dad's dad) to lymphoma. I still haven't gotten over that...I can't handle this! I wish life could just be FAIR. Why can't the guy that committed adultery get cancer?!?! Why my dad?!?! A man that is admired by all that know him. A man that is 60 years old that loves the Lord with all his heart and has opened his home to MANY foster children. Why does he have to have cancer?? Why can't the medicine work for him?? And as I sit here writing this, my dad is smiling and laughing with his mom with not a care in the world. Not knowing that the chemo isn't working. And I get to sit here...and fake it...again...while i continue to hear the song in my head that repeats over and over "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT...EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT." The song I listened to 100 times when he was first diagnosed. I guess it's going back into heavy rotation this week.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Mini Robin Eggs Obsession and other Easter Goodies this will probably be a little oxymoronic especially considering my last post. But maybe it will help you understand the complexity of my eating struggles. If there's one time of the year I really look forward's EASTER!!! I love EVERYTHING about it. I love the significance...and my redemption because of it. I love thinking back on Easter's in my childhood. I feel like my parents did a good balance of spiritual significance and fun. We ALWAYS went to sunrise service...which meant getting up at like 4am. It always started the day off right...even though I was FREEZING in my new Easter dress next to the lake at 5am. But when we got home there was always an Easter basket waiting for us. Mine usually consisted of a white chocolate bunny, mini robin eggs, cadbury mini-eggs, peeps and much more. And that wasn't counting ALL the candy in the plastic eggs we would hunt for after our regular church service. Then the turkey and stuffing...and YUM!!!!!!!! But what makes me SO HAPPY is EASTER CANDY!!!! I don't get excited about much candy but forget it...Easter Candy is like on a whole other level. Especially Mini-Robin Eggs. Why don't they offer them year round? I mean I guess they are a spin-off from Whoppers...but Mini-Robin Eggs are SO MUCH BETTER. So this year, I have been working really hard about being healthy. I ususally give up something for lent...because I know that lent leads to EASTER (and A LOT of candy). So I try to lose a little weight before to compensate. This year I gave up A LOT. Sweets, deep fat fried foods and caffeine to be exact. This meant, no dessert on Valentines Day. This meant no cookies on St. Patrick's Day. This meant not 1 french fry or 1 chip. But I knew if I made it...the end result would be EASTER CANDY!! And I never slip at Lent. It's like the one time I NEVER cheat. I mean, I can't cheat on God. He sees my EVERY move. But I am obsessed with mini-robin eggs. I bought a bag THE DAY AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY when they rolled out the Easter Candy. You can never be too careful, what if they didn't make enough mini-robin eggs this year. I couldn't risk not having any for Easter. My husband is a sweet-a-holic. He LOVES chocolate and anything sweet. He loves Easter candy as well. He decided he wasn't going to eat sweets either. So last week (week before Easter) we went BIG TIME shopping for Easter Candy. I think we bought out the store. It's probably NOT a good idea to shop for Easter Candy when you haven't eaten sweets in 5 weeks! We bought...Snickers Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, Cadbury Mini-Eggs, a Cookies 'n Cream Bunny (a departure from the White Chocolate Bunny...but I like to try new Easter Candy), M'Azing Snacksize Easter Candy, Marshmallow bunnies & chicks, Dulce de Leche Kisses, etc. That's right...I said etc. That's because I can't even remember everything we bought. That's because I had to hide it. I am fine to look at seems to be more motivation for me, but with Steve, he said, can you please hide it! Ha ha ha...he's too funny. His will-power isn't the best. We are actually stopping at Good Friday instead of Easter because Steve's mom is in town and we want to eat yummy stuff with her before she leaves on Easter. So today (the day before Good Friday) I went to The Puffy Muffin to get some cookies for Daniel from EMI because he made the impossible happen and I promised him cookies if he did indeed make it happen. I had never entered The Puffy Muffin, so I didn't know what was in store for me. THEY HAD FUN DECORATED EASTER COOKIES. I mean, I know I have like 20 pounds of Easter Candy, but a dozen Easter cookies couldn't hurt...right?!?!? there are going to be 3 of us. How the heck are we going to eat all of these sweets??? I'm sure we'll manage. But...since I have been super psycho about my weight lately, it will be interesting to see how much I actually eat. Will I forget about my weight for 3 days, or feel guilty? At this moment, I will take the guilt as long as that means getting those MINI-ROBIN EGGS IN MY BELLY!!!! HAPPY EASTER TO ME!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Mean Girls

I have seen the movie Mean Girls...and I laughed at most of what went on. But what's scary is people are actually like that. I grew up as one of those girls that were "one of the guys" and always had more guy friends than girl friends. The girl friends that I did have...were great! But on average spent more time hanging out with guys. As I get older, I wonder if my life would be different if I would have told people the way I felt at the moment I was feeling it. I was always afraid to because I was afraid they would think differently of me. Now, I do a much better job...or maybe I just don't care what they think anymore. Which...I'm sure a lot of it comes with age and wisdom. But I wonder what Jill or Geof would have said if I would have told them how I really felt about them. I wish I would have...but at the same time, I think everything happens for a reason. Now, I realize that my friends are more honest with me. But's just MEAN. Of course they don't think they are being mean...but I feel like they are being mean. So I guess I hold a grudge and they have no clue what's wrong. I want to change that...I'm going to change that. Life is too short...I don't want to be surrounded by those people. So...I have a self-esteem issue. Mainly a body image issue. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 9 years. It is under control...but I still call it an eating disorder because I let it consume my thoughts. I haven't done anything unhealthy in the past 4 years. My biggest accomplishment has been losing the 45 pounds that used to be me. least the last 35. I was on a weight roller coaster for MANY years. In my unhealthy days I was anorexic. I starved myself...and I liked it. It was a combination of control and self-punishment. I would see how many days I could survive on 7 baby carrots and 5 saltines (fat-free of course). I think I reached 25 days. But...I love food too much. So the weight would go up and down and up and down. And yes...I like to be healthy. I LOVE broccoli and green beans and most vegetables. I don't eat beef or pork. But I also love ice cream and cookies and chips and salsa. I do like french fries...I have just convinced myself that I don't because of how fattening they are. I run...and exercise...I guess you could say a lot. I like makes me feel good. But I was still what some people would call overweight. Anyways...all of that to say one day I had to make a choice to lose weight. That means less cookies...less ice cream...portion control. That's what actually changed my life! I didn't realize I was eating SO MUCH. It didn't make sense that I was eating healthy and working out but not losing weight. I was eating TOO MUCH! So for the past 2 years I have worked hard and have lost 35 pounds and kept it off (with minor ups and downs around holidays). For Lent, I gave up sweets, deep fat fried foods, and caffeine. And I feel great about the strides I have made during Lent. Really...there will be a point to this story...hopefully sooner than later. So Saturday I had my weigh in. I was excited...I have worked really hard. 126!!! Three weeks ago I was 132. I haven't been 126 since high school. I was feeling GREAT! HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!! And it has been HARD! I have sat at tables at Mexican restaurants (mmmmmm....) where I haven't eaten 1 chip. I have watched friends eat cookies with icing on them right in front of me. THIS IS VERY HARD...even though I try to shrug it off as no big deal. But I did it! I didn't cheat once! And it paid off...I'm 126! So that was Saturday, on Monday my friend IM'd me saying she was having a feel fat day. I responded with "I'm so sorry, I hate those days, they are hard." She immediately responded with, "how would you know, you're thin and healthy, you don't have to deal with it." OUCH! MEAN GIRL!! I started to tell her (since I hadn't before) that I have struggled with my weight for 9 years and that I have lost 45 pounds, and I have worked really hard at it and that it WASN'T easy. All she said was "I have to go" and signed off. OUCH AGAIN!! MEAN GIRL!! Why do I surround myself with this. That really hurt! I'm actually still affected by it 2 days later. I wanted to be unhealthy that night as I sat eating low-point vegetable soup...and I felt guilty about it. I FELT GUILTY ABOUT LOW POINT VEGETABLE SOUP!!! I wanted to starve myself. I know...I have problems. Oh well...I have another friend that was around in the unhealthy days that doesn't believe me when I told her this time I have done it healthy. I can't do ANYTHING to convince her. That hurts too. I also have another friend I hadn't seen in awhile that I had lunch with that said I looked great...but continued with "Should I be worried". I want to scream to EVERYONE..."I HAVE WORKED REALLY HARD...CAN YOU PLEASE BE HAPPY FOR ME." Are they all jealous? What is the deal. Do I make comments that hurt my friends the way they hurt me. I'm sure I do. But I don't know it. Just like I'm sure my friends don't know it when they hurt me. Because I don't tell them. But I am going to start. I have to start by at least saying it. I know people are envious of my size. I KNOW THIS. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with it EVERY DAY. So for all of you that are reading this. Be nice to the girl that has lost weight. If she's like me...she's more self-concious about it now that she ever has been before. So please try not to be a Mean Girl. I am going to try really hard too! Yet the weight struggle continues...

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Who is AJ Fabulous?

Why do I call myself AJ Fabulous? I is fun. I guess that's why I do it. My friend called me AJ Fabulous once, and I wanted it to stick SO BAD so that for a split second I could feel FABULOUS. But I don't. There's nothing fabulous about me. And this is not a plea for all of my friends to tell me reasons why they think I am fabulous. I appreciate you thinking that...but it doesn't change the way I feel...and that is not the motivation. I guess I think if I call myself AJ Fabulous people will actually think I have a good self-esteem. The faker rears her ugly head. That's right...I'll admit it...I'm fake...plastic...HOLLOW. A lot of my friends think I have a GREAT life. Which...I guess I do. I mean...I do! I have a great job...the love of a man I don't deserve and an AMAZING family that supports me. But...apparently it isn't enough. I battle with depression...I battle with self-esteem...I battle with self-confidence (that is the newest one). So I resort to calling myself AJ Fabulous. Maybe I should let it go. Maybe this should be the end of the monniker...FABULOUS. But then I should probably stop using the word so much. I can't help it...I like long "F" words. Maybe I should call myself AJ HIDEOUS. That's the way I feel. I don't get off on self-deprication. It scares me. I'm getting too close. So for now...I will hold on to AJ Fabulous. In hopes for a better tomorrow. That makes it sound like I want to change the world...when really I just want to feel better about myself.

Afraid of Me

First I have to start by saying...I am not a fan of reading and writing. Those that know me...already know this. So I don't really know why I am starting a BLOG! I guess it's because I have been very complacent in life. I want that to change. So that means getting out of my comfort zone. Letting my guard down...which I HATE. I'm afraid to let people see the real me. Even my friends. With ALL of my friends I edit what I share with them. Isn't that wrong?!?! With friend X I don't talk about my faith...with friend Y I never talk about my self-image. With friend Z I don't talk about my dreams. WHY IS THAT?? I don't even know. Because I guess I'm afraid of what they will say. Shallow...I know. I'm complacent with shallow friendships. I don't want to hear what they will say. I'm afraid of what they will think about me. I always wonder what they say behind my back...I know they all talk about me. And that's fine. That's life. I'm a great listener...I love to listen. Listening to others problems make me feel more normal. Being a listener makes me forget about me. I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid of hurting people. But I'm tired of being fake. I NEED this outlet. So I apologize to ALL of my friends for not sharing ALL of me. I apologize for what you might find out about me from this website...that I was afraid to tell you in person. I do love you all. I just can't trust. I guess that's because I don't like why would anyone else. I'll just continue to be afraid...wishing I was something else.
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