The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Friday, September 30, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 9.30.05

*I love Sunflower seeds. They are a great snack. They help keep me awake when I am driving late at night. However they kind of make me feel like a man. There is no way to feel girlie while eating sunflower seeds. Oh well. As I see it…I’d like to be in some baseball dugout hanging out with the team spittin’ seeds with them.

*Downtown Chicago has to be one of the coolest places on this earth. I LOVE IT! I was so fortunate to have gone last week, and everything about it is wonderful. I know I have posted about big cities including Chicago before, but I just had to reiterate this thought. And man…I LOVE H&M!!!!

*This past Sunday was the first time there was a Tornado Warning that I wasn’t terrified. I think that’s a step in the right direction. It just didn’t seem scary because there wasn’t thunder and lightning. Just wind and rain. I guess it’s really the Thunder that terrifies me.

*I talked to my brother, and I think he’s having a hard time with the whole family not being together at Christmas. He called me to start planning where we would have Christmas…everyone together. I hated to tell him that I am on rotation now, and will be with Steve’s family for Christmas. Apparently next Christmas he is going to Europe with friends…then the next year I will be back at Steve’s family. So he let me know that it would be 4 Christmas’ until we would be together. Not to mention he wasn’t with us last year. Getting older is so complicated. Why can’t it be simple like it was when we were kids!

*What is it with guys and skinny girls. It drives me crazy when guys say that really skinny girls aren’t attractive. Then in the next breath say that Jennifer Aniston is the perfect woman. Don’t get me wrong…I think Jennifer is GORGEOUS. And man what I wouldn’t do to have her body myself. But she is SKINNY. TINY. She might be smaller than a size Zero. And yes…that is what I would want to look like. I guess it just drives me crazy that guys are hypocritical on this topic. They swear that skinny isn’t attractive to make us average women feel better…then oogle over the teeniest women. I don’t get it!

*Another thing I don’t get. Older guys that oogle over 18 year olds. What is up with that? How would 30 somethings relate to an 18 year old. In general I mean…I know there are the exceptions. But come on…they are only interested in looks at that point. I don’t know why it creeps me out that a 35 year old thinks Hillary Duff is Hot. And she is SO CUTE…and if a college guy made the same statement I would totally agree with him. But a 30-something?!?!?! Maybe in some weird way it makes me feel insecure about getting older, and not being 18 anymore. NOT THAT I WANT TO BE 18 AGAIN. I am just thankful that my husband is attracted to the likes of Sheryl Crow. I get that.

*Confession…I am a HUGE fan of Blue Bell Ice Cream. I DID NOT want to like it. I hate to offend anyone here…but every Texan I know RAVES about how Blue Bell is the BEST EVER…and it just got annoying. I wanted to hate it…but boy…it SURE IS GOOD!!! Kroger started carrying Blue Bell Ice Cream. So far we have tried Homemade Vanilla (the closest thing I have tasted to my dad’s homemade), Cookies Cookies Cookies (need I say more?!?!?), Neopolitan, Cookies & Cream, and Banana Pudding (Unbelievable)!!! I would like to eat a whole half-gallon IMMEDIATELY!

*My brother was evacuated at 3am on Wednesday night because of the LA fires. He said it was all like a weird dream when the police came on super loud speakers to tell everyone they had to evacuate. I can’t imagine waking up to that.

*Maps are my friend. I love maps. I love directions. It’s weird…it’s just in my brain. I wish I would have taken a geography course in college. I would have gotten an A+, and would have soaked it up. I have a map of the US in my office. It is in front of my desk. I find myself staring at it often. Weird…I know!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Yahweh by U2

Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don’t make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticize
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahewh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break


I love this song...and these lyrics have really been penetrating my soul lately. When I listen to this song, when Bono cries out to Yahweh, I feel like the Holy Spirit is alive in my heart. It's such a weird but amazingly beautiful sensation. I definitely crave that feeling more than anything else in life. Hopefully these lyrics have made you think.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 9.16.05

*Happy Mexican Independence Day!! I never quite understood why everyone makes a bigger deal out of Cinco de Mayo, and I bet no one even knows that September 16th is Mexican Independence Day. I guess it’s because Cinco de Mayo had to do with the United States, and Mexican Independence Day didn’t. Either way…head to your nearest Mexican restaurant and eat lots of chips & salsa!

*Why is it that it is so easy to forget compliments that people give us…and we can’t do anything to forget all the negative comments?? I hate that! Sometimes when I read my blog…it sounds so sad and depressing. And yes…those are feelings I feel. But I don’t think to write about when I am happy and things are going good. I need to remember to do more of that.

*Rain is not my friend. Yesterday I got stuck in a torrential downpour…my skin was soppy wet…my hair frizzed up…my flip flops were mushy…YUCK! I was in a bad mood for a couple of hours. Yet…this morning while out exercising…it started to rain. I sprinted home. I just had to laugh and actually enjoyed it! I guess that’s because I knew that I was in workout clothes and sweaty and about to take a shower, to where yesterday I looked nice and it just kind of ruined it. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed the rain like I did this morning!

*I think it would be the coolest job to be the person who picks what music is played on a TV show. I was watching the special features on the OC DVDs, and they interviewed the lady that chooses all of their music. What a fun job! I just have NO CLUE how she got hooked up doing that.


*Sometimes I just want to RUN AWAY. I know it’s not realistic…but sometimes I just want to go to a new place where no one knows me and just hide from everybody. It would probably only last for a day then I would want to come back, but sometimes I think about it. I don’t think I could actually do it, because I wouldn’t want my family and friends to worry. Maybe I just need to tell everyone that I’m going away for a weekend…do my own thing…promise I will call if I get into trouble…and just go. Then no one would contact the authorities.

*I have always been a day dreamer. I like to just dream about being on a beach somewhere, and everything around me is perfect. Lately, I have had these weird vision things. Like I will be driving somewhere…and I have this vision of me just driving off the road and dying. Stuff like that. Very morbid or scary. I have never experienced this in my life. I don’t know what it is.

*I haven’t shaved since October. Okay wait…let me tell you why before you get disgusted. I epilate. That sounds funny. Anyways, I use one of those devices that pulls the hair from the root. I LOVE IT!!!!! I WILL NEVER SHAVE AGAIN!

*My ultimate tech toy would be this cute little thing that was my cell phone, ipod, digital camera and mini DVD player all in 1. That would be nice! That’s not too much to ask right?!?!?! Then when I go on a trip I don’t have to have a bag full of random electronics.

*My mom thinks it’s a cute story to tell my friends that the first job I ever wanted (when I was like 3 years old) was to be a trash collector. How random is that…and GROSS!! I DO NOT recollect this at all!!! It was probably one of those moments to try and get a kid to say something funny for a laugh. Like someone probably said… "You want to be a trash collector when you grow up huh!?!?” And then as this kid not knowing any better I probably just nodded…and everyone probably laughed. But whatever…if I truly wanted to do that…then obviously I was already crazy at 3!!!

Until next week…

Monday, September 12, 2005


Dear Sugarbear,

Today is your 33rd Birthday! What an amazing day September 12th is for me now. The day you entered the world…an entering I am so thankful for. This is the 4th birthday I have been in the picture for. Each year it means something more. I have never dreamed of a man so perfect for me. I have never dreamed of a love like ours. Thank you for being my best friend. You are always there for me, and you are the first person I want to share things with. I love shooting the breeze with you. Whether that is watching baseball, movies, going to the driving range, shopping, exercising, etc., I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. You provide guidance when I am lost, you provide an ear when I need to talk, and you provide a smile when I am “trying” to be funny! Thank you for putting up with me. I know I bring a lot of frustration, and you are so patient with me. I couldn’t ask for someone more understanding. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for telling me I’m gorgeous whether I believe it or not. Thank you for asking the tough questions when I am not myself. Thank you for your bear hugs…the sweet hugs that make everything right with the world. When I am in your arms I know true comfort, safety and love.

There are so many things I love about you! I love that your skin is softer than mine. I love your pouty face. (I swear if you pass on that face to our future children I am DONE FOR!) I love your quick wit. I love that you scream like a girl in scary movies. I love your brilliant ideas. I love that you love baseball not only as much as I do…but more. I love that you want to take care of me and spoil me. I love just watching you interact with other makes me smile. I love how everyone that knows you, goes out of their way to tell me what a great husband I have. I love that when you are having a bad day, that you like to eat chocolate frosting. I love to see you talk about something you are passionate about. Most of all, I love the way you look at me. You see my soul and know it’s beautiful…and you make me believe it! I have never felt that with anyone else. So thank you for being you…for loving me…and for being the perfect man for me! I LOVE YOU TODAY AND FOREVER!

Your Sugarbaby

Friday, September 09, 2005

Randumb Ramblings 9.9.05

I think every Friday I am just going to post some Randumb Ramblings of what has happened during the week. (Yes I am aware of how I spelled Random.) This one has stuff from the past couple of weeks. But these have been my thoughts lately.

*Last week Steve and I went to Maine to visit family and friends. It was wonderful! It made me want to move up there and live a slower paced life. Then I remembered what their winters were like.

*The week before that I was in Columbus for a Rock Radio Summit. I had the wonderful surprise of running into the FABULOUS Meredith! It was such a nice treat and made my heart so happy!

*I went to Fenway Park in Boston to watch the Red Sox play! It was truly MAGICAL. Yes…I know this is twisted. Steve sat with his guy friends across the stadium, and I found a seat by myself. I thought it would be weird to be by myself at the game…but I LOVED IT…and soaked it all in. There is so much history in that stadium!

*I have had the overwhelming feeling that my life as I know is about to drastically change. That makes me hopeful and super scared.

*I can’t stop listening to “Gold Digga” by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx. (This has NOTHING to do with his political statements!) I know it’s naughty…but I LOVE IT!

*When I arrived in Maine…my mother-in-law had the book “Thinking Pregnant” waiting for me on the dresser of the room we stayed in. I guess someone wants a grandbaby because we aren’t really thinking about it right now.

*I paid $49.89 to fill up my tank. If it would have broke $50 I think I would have had a mental breakdown at the gas station. This makes me so sick to my stomach! Why can’t gas be $1.50/gallon again?? I remember when I thought that was expensive!!!

*I LOVE Diet Rootbeer and skim milk...together. I know it sounds disgusting…but it is SO GOOD!!! It’s like dessert in a drink that’s not bad for you!

*My dad had a bone marrow test done about a month ago. There is no trace of Multiple Myeloma in his marrow! It will always reside in his plasma…but it is no longer in the marrow, and no longer attacking his bones. More than anything…it makes me excited that my dad feels pretty much normal. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me! His oncologist recommended that he go to Seattle for a Stem-Cell Regeneration. He will have to be up there for 2-4 months. This makes me SO SCARED!

*I ate a lot of junk and way too much Dunkin’ Donuts in Maine. Although it was SO GOOD…I now feel guilty.

*I have become obsessed with The OC. I never watched it until there was nothing on TV this summer and I watched reruns. Now I am renting the first two seasons and can’t get enough! I think it’s my escape from reality!

*I really miss dance. I danced from the age of 3 until I graduated from college. I think I may look into getting involved in a dance class.

*I wish massages were free…I would go EVERY DAY!

*I hung out with one of my most favorite people Sherry Libby while I was in Maine. She has a 2 year old and twin 3 month olds. I fell in love with her twins! I will have to post some pictures soon. This made my ovaries jump. But…it was just refreshing to be in Sherry’s presence. I wanna be like her when I grow up!

Thursday, September 08, 2005


Lately I have felt so unstable. I have had no energy to blog. I have wanted to…there has been A LOT I have wanted to blog about…I have just not had the energy to put it down on paper. I feel like I’m dangerously flirting with falling off the deep end. That scares me. I hate feeling like at any moment I might freak out and go crazy. I miss Carolyn. When I was in college…I freaked out. It was bad. It was scary. I cried A LOT. For those that know me…know I don’t really cry. Carolyn saved me. My mom forced me to go see a counselor/psychologist. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to admit I needed help. But I was so desperate…that I agreed to go once. Carolyn was my psychologist. It’s amazing that talking to a total stranger about your issues would make you feel so good. She helped me A LOT. I went to her every day the first couple of weeks. Then a couple times a week…then once a week…and by my senior year…I just went once a month. And then I moved to Nashville and she stepped out of my life. And I miss her. She always knew what to say. I felt like she equipped me with tools to not let me go back to that place. And she did. And I really hope I won’t flip out again. I know it won’t be as bad as last time if I do. But I just wish I could see her again. I wish I could go to a psychologist. I am very PRO-therapy. I think everyone could benefit from it. But I can’t afford it now. It was free since it was a program through my college. And I know I can talk to some of my friends…but I also know they have invested interest in me…and are biased. And it’s just scary to think about talking about it with my friends. I don’t want to dump it on them. You would think it would be more comfortable…but it is rather uncomfortable. I just feel like at any moment someone might say something…or I might have a crazy thought…and I will just snap. I know this is very vague. But if I go into it, it will do more harm than good. Sometimes I feel like I need a life overhaul. Just a HUGE change. But then I think it’s the potential little changes that will freak me out. I know something BIG is in store…I just don’t know what. I’m ready to move on and see what lies ahead. I’m just waiting to take that first step.
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