The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Impulsive Beats Frumpy & Dumpy

I am 17 1/2 weeks pregnant. Thank goodness I am passed the weeks of nasea that comes along with the first trimester. For me and this pregnancy it lasted 3 weeks longer than my first I wasn't too happy for awhile. But I turned the corner sometime during my 15th week, and I feel better now. However, now comes the part of the pregnancy where you just feel frumpy and dumpy. Your belly is sticking out...but someone who doesn't know you probably just thinks you could afford to lose a few pounds. My normal jeans don't comfortably button anymore. I'm trying not to get depressed about it. So down comes the maternity bin from the attic. I assess what I had last pregnancy. Basically everything in there isn't going to work. Satchel was due in August. This one is due in March. So my biggest months will be January - March. WINTER. Hmmm...with Satchel my big months were June - August. My overstretched tank tops and cropped pants aren't going to work in January. However, there was a pair of "fat jeans" in there. (Not maternity jeans...just a bigger pair of jeans from my heavier days.) And also a pair of maternity black pants and maternity jeans. So I try them on. They are all too big. And I am thankful for that. One good thing so far is I started off about 10 pounds lighter this pregnancy, and have only gained 5 pounds so far. However, that leaves old maternity clothes WAY...TOO...BIG. So today I decided to wear my fat jeans to work instead of putting a rubber band on my not buttoned normal jeans. Basically I have saggy crotch. Am I more I feel frumpy & dumpy...YES! Not to mention I'm wearing my boots that I am attempting to tuck boot cut jeans into which kind of creates the pirate pants effect. Not cute! Aren't you supposed to feel beautiful, confident and full of life when pregnant?!? That is not what I feel.

For those that know me well, know impulsive isn't really in my vocabulary when it comes to shopping. I would like to say I'm thoughtful. I see something I like...I need to ponder it...digest with the thought of buying said item for a few days. I have my blow money...and I like to spend it thoughtfully. Therefore, I am NOT an impulsive buyer.

Fast forward to lunch time today. Remember, I have saggy crotch and feel frumpy & dumpy. I have no lunch plans. Do I want to go maternity clothes shopping?? NO WAY. BUT. I'm over feeling frump. So on a whim I decide to go to the mall...and shop during lunch. GASP! Can't tell you the last time I did that. It's been years for sure.

Side note...last weekend Satchel and I went to the mall for a couple of hours to ride the escalators. I took 5 steps into the maternity store, the lady working asked if she could help me with anything...I said no and walked out. I couldn't do it.

I was hoping today would be different. I took the first 5 steps into the store. Lady greeted me, asked if she could help. I pointed to my pirate poof pants with saggy crotch and said, "I am in desperate need of skinny jeans. HELP!"

Not 15 minutes later I was at the counter with 3 pairs of jeans and some leggings. IMPULSIVE I TELL YOU! The thoughtful side of me desperately asks..."What is your return policy?"

"30 days with the tags on," maternity worker responds.

"PERFECT," I say.

And I am on my way. 15 minutes. That is blasphemy in my own little shopping world. But hey...impulsiveness beats frumpy, dumpy, saggy crotch and pirate pants.

Pregnancy does crazy things!!


So I have obviously been absent from this blog. After my dad died, I needed a break. I had Satchel, and as much as I love him...he turned my world upside down. I didn't want to write about it. Life has it's ups and downs, and I have experienced both in the last 3 years. But today I am compelled to come back. To have an outlet.

So what's new? Satchel just turned 3, and is my little buddy. He is so smart, and I am a proud mumma. He knows all of the presidents, and just about all of the states. He loves to learn.

Steve and I are approaching 7 years of marriage...and I couldn't be happier. He is my best friend, and I am thankful for him, his support and his friendship.

And...I'm pregnant with baby Strout #2. This little being is due on March 11th. To be brutally honest, I'm not excited about being pregnant. I'm excited about meeting this little person in March, but I am NOT excited about pregnancy. This time I know what to expect...and I have A LOT ahead of me that I'm NOT looking forward to. But it will pass, and I will have a new blessing.

So there it is. I'm open to being open again. And I'm sure I will have lots to write about during my pregnancy adventure!

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Dear Dad,

Happy Father’s Day! I wish I could tell you in person. These past 5 months have been the hardest months of my life because I don’t have you here with me. I never really realized exactly how much you mean to me, until now. There have been so many days where I go to pick up the phone to call you and I can’t. It’s excruciating not being able to talk to you. I still talk to you, and I hope somehow you can hear me. I just think of it like you are my guardian angel, but that still doesn’t ease the pain. There is this void in my life that will never be filled by anyone else.

We are 10 weeks away from baby Satchel being here. I still dream of you being at the hospital and me handing him over to you, so that you could hold your grandson. The day just won’t be the same. However, I know you will be smiling down from Heaven, and you will watch over him wherever he goes. I just hope that somehow God will be able to let Satchel know how much you love him. I know he would have followed you wherever you would go, the way I used to follow you around. You should see me now. I’ve got quite a tummy on me lately. I know you would have talked to my belly and let Satchel know how much you love him. And that would have filled my heart with a joy greater than I have ever known. I so badly wanted to go through this with you. I really thought you would be here to hold him at least once. I know you were trying to hold on, but God had a different plan.

You would be so proud of mom. She is so strong. She loves you so much. She misses you really bad, and honestly I don’t know how she is holding up the way she is. I am so proud of her. I hope that she feels that you are still with her, and I hope she knows how much you love her. Because we all know you loved her so deeply. She is going to be the best grandma, and I know she will tell Satchel all about you.

Today is the first Father’s Day without you. And guess what, for the first time in baseball history the Giants are playing the Red Sox at Fenway. I know you will be on the couch next to us watching and cheering for your Giants. It would have been a perfect Father’s Day with you. We are also going to start a tradition, and make sure to either make homemade ice cream, or go out for ice cream in your honor. Our kids will know the ice cream is because of their Papa Keatts. We miss you so much today.

Most of all dad, your little girl longs for your hugs. I might never have told you, but you were my source of comfort. I don’t think I needed to tell you, I think you knew. If I ever had a bad day, I just wanted to climb next to you on the couch and tuck my head in the fold of your neck, and stay there for hours. That was my place. I long to be there now on this Father’s Day. Actually, I have longed to be there for the past 5 months. I will never forget the feeling of all being right with the world when I was in your arms. You made any problems or bad feelings melt away. You were always there. And I know you always will be, but it’s just not the same. I wish I could still call you when I have questions about the house, or the car, or just to tell you great news, or struggles I am going through. The best news is no one can ever take away the memories I have of you. They are perfect, and they are timeless. I love you forever daddy! Watch over us today and always.

Always your little girl,

Thursday, March 01, 2007


So I've kind of been missing in action...FOR AWHILE. The reason is...there is nothing...and all too much to write. All at once. I am typically an even keeled person. My highs aren't too high...and my lows aren't too low. But I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 months. This emotional journey really started on December 3rd. My dad had a high fever and went to the hospital. Between December 3rd and January 8th, the following took place:

*He had a very bad fever that wasn't going away
*He was visited by every infectious disease doctor at the VA
*His memory slowly faded to where he didn't know where he was...or what year it was
*He basically went into a coma...went into the ICU...and was put on life support
*They found out he contracted Herpes Incefilitis (a non-sexual form of Herpes)
*This affected the part of his brain that controlled his swallowing capabilities
*His liver fails...but after a few days he gets his liver functions back
*He wakes up and they transfer him out of ICU
*He is now on a feeding tube
*They treat him with viral medication and it helps
*We all spent Christmas in his hospital room...and it was his best day!
*That night he started having sharp pains in his stomach
*He was in a lot of pain for a week until on New Years Eve he basically went into a coma again
*The doctors said he would probably die within 24 hours
*They basically took him off medicines waiting for him to pass
*All of his doctors that were on vacation for the holidays return on January 2nd
*They are shocked at the decisions the interim doctors made...and get him back on medicine and he goes back to ICU and back on life support
*The next day they say his kidneys have failed...and they say they have done everything
*We have an anointing service and take him off life support
*The doctors expect him to pass very quickly
*My mom took the night shift...and he makes it through the night
*The next morning they transfer him to a private room so he can pass peacefully
*My mom leaves to shower and get some sleep
*While I am there, he wakes up and says he is this point he's been without food for 5 days
*He wasn't supposed to wake up...the nurse freaks out...and the doctors rush in
*They start him back on medicines, and he is lucid
*He had a couple of good days...but the doctors are afraid to put the feeding tube back they wait
*The morning of January 8th they were going to put the feeding tube in when he has excruciating stomach pain
*By noon he is sedated...transferred to ICU and intubated...again
*He has been without food for 9 days
*After many tests they discovered that a portion of his intestines have ruptured and he is too weak to have surgery
*We take him off life support for the final time, and he passed away at 7:15pm

In the midst of it all, I feel like I am going crazy. I just can't handle it emotionally. I tell my mom that I need to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. A couple of days later, I realize I am very late starting my period. Christmas morning Steve and I take a pregnancy test...and IT'S POSITIVE!!! The first thing I think is...thank goodness...I'm not crazy...just hormonal! Yes...there is going to be a baby Strouty! The due date is set for August 27th. My dad knew. He was thrilled to be a grandpa. I really thought he was fighting to meet this baby. Life never turns out how you expect. I never expected my kids to NOT KNOW my dad...their grandpa. But there must be some reason for it. Since January 8th I have experienced highs and lows. I have never felt such great loss. I feel like a part of my heart is dead...ripped to shreds. My daddy...the first man I ever loved is gone. I know I will see him again...but that doesn't make it any better now. On February 1st, I saw the baby moving all around. It's little arms and legs doing water ballet. I've never felt anything like this in my life. It's very overwhelming and mesmerizing. A new piece of my heart is born. The Lord giveth...and the Lord taketh away. And through it all...I have learned to trust Him...really trust Him...for the first time in my life.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


It's been a LONG time...too long. I haven't written for mainly 2 reasons. 1. I've been so busy at's not even funny. The last thing I want to do when I get home is get back on the computer. 2. I'm sad. I don't like to write sad and depressing things all the time...but I think that's about what it would be lately.

My dad hasn't been feeling well. Since he's been in Nashville he's gone to the doctor 3 times. He's been here less than 2 months. And he's in the midst of a bunch of tests...with no results...yet.

Yesterday I watched a dear friend bury her mother. I can't even describe how sad that made me to watch my friend grieve. But she did it with beauty and grace. I couldn't have been as strong as her. It breaks my heart that her mom won't be around to meet her children one day.

Steve's family has had drama. My brother-in-law seperated from his wife of 13 or so years. They have 3 children...ages 12, 11 & 7. I don't understand it. It makes me so sad for the children, and for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. On top of that, my brother-in-law has had 3 seizures in the past 2 weeks.

Then yesterday, my 12 year old nephew had a seizure. It's the first he has ever had. Worse than that, his 7 year old sister witnessed the whole thing. The two of them were at the babysitters. The babysitter called 911 and had to stay with my 7 year old my 12 year old nephew had to go in the ambulance alone, while his mom, dad and grandma waited for him to arrive at the hospital.

I just feel like there's this cloud hanging over my head. I'm just sad. Sad to the core. I hate being sad. And it makes me scared. I want to find out what's wrong with my dad. I don't want to lose him. Not yet. And I'm trying to trust in God, I just wish he would take this fear away.

On 2 brighter notes...I got a new pack of my favorite ultra fine colored sharpies. 29 different colors...bliss! At least I am finding joy in the small things! And Steve knows how stressed out I he surprised me by booking a log cabin in Gatlinburg for Labor Day Weekend. He is way too good to me. I don't know what I did to deserve him!

I'm really going to try and write more. I miss my blogging friends. And I feel like a bad friend because I haven't kept up with everyone. I'm going to try and get caught up on everyone. I miss you all!

Monday, June 19, 2006


It's parents have made the big move from California to Nashvegas. Actually Franklin, but who's counting. I can't believe it! It's so weird to know that as I am writing this, my mom is unpacking about 5 miles away. After everything we went through with my dad when he had cancer, this is just an answer to prayer. We have all realized how important family is...and how wonderful it is to have them close by. Today I feel so filled...and truly blessed! Welcome to Tennessee Steve & Evelia!! :)

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Farewell Katie

( may want to not read this!)

Today was Katie Couric's last day on the Today show. It may be a day that passes by and no one even notices. But for me, today is a day of great sadness. I am being very selfish in saying I wish Katie wouldn't leave. And while I'm excited for her new adventure, and am proud to know that she is the first solo evening anchorwoman EVER, I am very sad to not wake up with her every morning. As cheesy as it may sound...Katie was my morning coffee. She was the constant...and has been for the better part of the last 10 years of my life. It was in college that I decided to pursue my education in Broadcast News. A lot of that was in part to Katie. I would tell everyone that I wanted to be the next Katie Couric...when in all reality...I just wanted to be her friend. And that is what I love about her. She has a way of jumping out of the screen and making you feel like she's talking to you, the way a girlfriend would. It is truly a gift.

When I joined my sorority (Tri Delta), in our new member portion, I learned that Katie too was a Tri Delta. I felt even a bigger connection with her then. To me, Katie embodies everything that a morning news anchor should be. Compassionate, informative, caring, bold, encouraging, transparent, among other things. Do I even have to say "perky"??!?! She inspired feeling within me. I have laughed so many times with her, but above all, she has moved me. I have felt empowered by her, and felt like I could make a difference because of a story she has shed light on.

You know how everyone always asks you, if you could ever meet one person in this world, who would it be. Without hesitation, I always answer that question with Katie Couric. She is at the top of the list. And she will continue to hold that spot.

Needless to say, I am wearing all black today in honor of Katie. I will forever miss you in the morning. Gosh...I might actually need to start drinking coffee in the mornings now. Good Luck Katie...I wish you the best. And hey, maybe you will actually inspire me to want to watch the evening news. I know you will break the mold to everything I have known of evening news, because there is no mold that could contain you.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Destination: Liverpool

One of the places that Steve was the most excited to go to on our trip was Liverpool. I have to admit...I was hesitant to give up one of my free days in London to take a day trip to Liverpool...the home of the Beatles. But, I did it gladly. What I didn't know, was how great the day was going to be. Steve and I had a 4-hour private guided tour around to all the Beatles sites. We listened to Beatles music, and we visited homes, schools, clubs, etc. all were vital points of interest in Beatles history. We went to Penny Lane and Elanor Rigby's grave and The Cavern, a pub where the Beatles played hundreds of shows. We also went to Strawberry fields. I was probably most excited about this particular highlight. Strawberry Fields Forever is one of my favorite Beatles songs.

Strawberry Fields Forever!

I guess I always figured it was a big field where strawberries grow that was a park area. But Strawberry Fields is actually a house where Orphans went with fields around it. I did see Strawberry plants all around, so that is probably where it got it's name. When John Lennon wrote the song, his home was through the fields and down the hill. So he would wander around Strawberry Fields even though he was trespassing on the property of the Orphanage.

John Lennon's Boyhood Home

This is a picture of the two of us standing in front of the house where John Lennon grew up. It is actually owned by the government and is a museum today. It was outside this house that John's mom was run over by a car. This is the kind of info that was so amazing to learn on this tour.

I am a Beatles fan. I've always liked their music. When I met Steve we watched the Beatles Anthology together. That's 8 DVDs of Beatles history. It was really cool. I became a bigger fan then. But The Beatles really came alive this trip. To learn new stories...and to see these places in indescribable! I'm SO GLAD we decided to go to Liverpool!
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