Mean Girls

I have seen the movie Mean Girls...and I laughed at most of what went on. But what's scary is people are actually like that. I grew up as one of those girls that were "one of the guys" and always had more guy friends than girl friends. The girl friends that I did have...were great! But on average spent more time hanging out with guys. As I get older, I wonder if my life would be different if I would have told people the way I felt at the moment I was feeling it. I was always afraid to because I was afraid they would think differently of me. Now, I do a much better job...or maybe I just don't care what they think anymore. Which...I'm sure a lot of it comes with age and wisdom. But I wonder what Jill or Geof would have said if I would have told them how I really felt about them. I wish I would have...but at the same time, I think everything happens for a reason. Now, I realize that my friends are more honest with me. But sometimes...it's just MEAN. Of course they don't think they are being mean...but I feel like they are being mean. So I guess I hold a grudge and they have no clue what's wrong. I want to change that...I'm going to change that. Life is too short...I don't want to be surrounded by those people. So...I have a self-esteem issue. Mainly a body image issue. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 9 years. It is under control...but I still call it an eating disorder because I let it consume my thoughts. I haven't done anything unhealthy in the past 4 years. My biggest accomplishment has been losing the 45 pounds that used to be me. Well...at least the last 35. I was on a weight roller coaster for MANY years. In my unhealthy days I was anorexic. I starved myself...and I liked it. It was a combination of control and self-punishment. I would see how many days I could survive on 7 baby carrots and 5 saltines (fat-free of course). I think I reached 25 days. But...I love food too much. So the weight would go up and down and up and down. And yes...I like to be healthy. I LOVE broccoli and green beans and most vegetables. I don't eat beef or pork. But I also love ice cream and cookies and chips and salsa. I do like french fries...I have just convinced myself that I don't because of how fattening they are. I run...and exercise...I guess you could say a lot. I like it...it makes me feel good. But I was still what some people would call overweight. Anyways...all of that to say one day I had to make a choice to lose weight. That means less cookies...less ice cream...portion control. That's what actually changed my life! I didn't realize I was eating SO MUCH. It didn't make sense that I was eating healthy and working out but not losing weight. I was eating TOO MUCH! So for the past 2 years I have worked hard and have lost 35 pounds and kept it off (with minor ups and downs around holidays). For Lent, I gave up sweets, deep fat fried foods, and caffeine. And I feel great about the strides I have made during Lent. Really...there will be a point to this story...hopefully sooner than later. So Saturday I had my weigh in. I was excited...I have worked really hard. 126!!! Three weeks ago I was 132. I haven't been 126 since high school. I was feeling GREAT! HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!! And it has been HARD! I have sat at tables at Mexican restaurants (mmmmmm....) where I haven't eaten 1 chip. I have watched friends eat cookies with icing on them right in front of me. THIS IS VERY HARD...even though I try to shrug it off as no big deal. But I did it! I didn't cheat once! And it paid off...I'm 126! So that was Saturday, on Monday my friend IM'd me saying she was having a feel fat day. I responded with "I'm so sorry, I hate those days, they are hard." She immediately responded with, "how would you know, you're thin and healthy, you don't have to deal with it." OUCH! MEAN GIRL!! I started to tell her (since I hadn't before) that I have struggled with my weight for 9 years and that I have lost 45 pounds, and I have worked really hard at it and that it WASN'T easy. All she said was "I have to go" and signed off. OUCH AGAIN!! MEAN GIRL!! Why do I surround myself with this. That really hurt! I'm actually still affected by it 2 days later. I wanted to be unhealthy that night as I sat eating low-point vegetable soup...and I felt guilty about it. I FELT GUILTY ABOUT LOW POINT VEGETABLE SOUP!!! I wanted to starve myself. I know...I have problems. Oh well...I have another friend that was around in the unhealthy days that doesn't believe me when I told her this time I have done it healthy. I can't do ANYTHING to convince her. That hurts too. I also have another friend I hadn't seen in awhile that I had lunch with that said I looked great...but continued with "Should I be worried". I want to scream to EVERYONE..."I HAVE WORKED REALLY HARD...CAN YOU PLEASE BE HAPPY FOR ME." Are they all jealous? What is the deal. Do I make comments that hurt my friends the way they hurt me. I'm sure I do. But I don't know it. Just like I'm sure my friends don't know it when they hurt me. Because I don't tell them. But I am going to start. I have to start by at least saying it. I know people are envious of my size. I KNOW THIS. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with it EVERY DAY. So for all of you that are reading this. Be nice to the girl that has lost weight. If she's like me...she's more self-concious about it now that she ever has been before. So please try not to be a Mean Girl. I am going to try really hard too! Yet the weight struggle continues...