The Inevitable Quest...

A place for me to be me...while searching for who I want to be

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Mean Girls

I have seen the movie Mean Girls...and I laughed at most of what went on. But what's scary is people are actually like that. I grew up as one of those girls that were "one of the guys" and always had more guy friends than girl friends. The girl friends that I did have...were great! But on average spent more time hanging out with guys. As I get older, I wonder if my life would be different if I would have told people the way I felt at the moment I was feeling it. I was always afraid to because I was afraid they would think differently of me. Now, I do a much better job...or maybe I just don't care what they think anymore. Which...I'm sure a lot of it comes with age and wisdom. But I wonder what Jill or Geof would have said if I would have told them how I really felt about them. I wish I would have...but at the same time, I think everything happens for a reason. Now, I realize that my friends are more honest with me. But sometimes...it's just MEAN. Of course they don't think they are being mean...but I feel like they are being mean. So I guess I hold a grudge and they have no clue what's wrong. I want to change that...I'm going to change that. Life is too short...I don't want to be surrounded by those people. So...I have a self-esteem issue. Mainly a body image issue. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 9 years. It is under control...but I still call it an eating disorder because I let it consume my thoughts. I haven't done anything unhealthy in the past 4 years. My biggest accomplishment has been losing the 45 pounds that used to be me. Well...at least the last 35. I was on a weight roller coaster for MANY years. In my unhealthy days I was anorexic. I starved myself...and I liked it. It was a combination of control and self-punishment. I would see how many days I could survive on 7 baby carrots and 5 saltines (fat-free of course). I think I reached 25 days. But...I love food too much. So the weight would go up and down and up and down. And yes...I like to be healthy. I LOVE broccoli and green beans and most vegetables. I don't eat beef or pork. But I also love ice cream and cookies and chips and salsa. I do like french fries...I have just convinced myself that I don't because of how fattening they are. I run...and exercise...I guess you could say a lot. I like it...it makes me feel good. But I was still what some people would call overweight. Anyways...all of that to say one day I had to make a choice to lose weight. That means less cookies...less ice cream...portion control. That's what actually changed my life! I didn't realize I was eating SO MUCH. It didn't make sense that I was eating healthy and working out but not losing weight. I was eating TOO MUCH! So for the past 2 years I have worked hard and have lost 35 pounds and kept it off (with minor ups and downs around holidays). For Lent, I gave up sweets, deep fat fried foods, and caffeine. And I feel great about the strides I have made during Lent. Really...there will be a point to this story...hopefully sooner than later. So Saturday I had my weigh in. I was excited...I have worked really hard. 126!!! Three weeks ago I was 132. I haven't been 126 since high school. I was feeling GREAT! HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!! And it has been HARD! I have sat at tables at Mexican restaurants (mmmmmm....) where I haven't eaten 1 chip. I have watched friends eat cookies with icing on them right in front of me. THIS IS VERY HARD...even though I try to shrug it off as no big deal. But I did it! I didn't cheat once! And it paid off...I'm 126! So that was Saturday, on Monday my friend IM'd me saying she was having a feel fat day. I responded with "I'm so sorry, I hate those days, they are hard." She immediately responded with, "how would you know, you're thin and healthy, you don't have to deal with it." OUCH! MEAN GIRL!! I started to tell her (since I hadn't before) that I have struggled with my weight for 9 years and that I have lost 45 pounds, and I have worked really hard at it and that it WASN'T easy. All she said was "I have to go" and signed off. OUCH AGAIN!! MEAN GIRL!! Why do I surround myself with this. That really hurt! I'm actually still affected by it 2 days later. I wanted to be unhealthy that night as I sat eating low-point vegetable soup...and I felt guilty about it. I FELT GUILTY ABOUT LOW POINT VEGETABLE SOUP!!! I wanted to starve myself. I know...I have problems. Oh well...I have another friend that was around in the unhealthy days that doesn't believe me when I told her this time I have done it healthy. I can't do ANYTHING to convince her. That hurts too. I also have another friend I hadn't seen in awhile that I had lunch with that said I looked great...but continued with "Should I be worried". I want to scream to EVERYONE..."I HAVE WORKED REALLY HARD...CAN YOU PLEASE BE HAPPY FOR ME." Are they all jealous? What is the deal. Do I make comments that hurt my friends the way they hurt me. I'm sure I do. But I don't know it. Just like I'm sure my friends don't know it when they hurt me. Because I don't tell them. But I am going to start. I have to start by at least saying it. I know people are envious of my size. I KNOW THIS. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with it EVERY DAY. So for all of you that are reading this. Be nice to the girl that has lost weight. If she's like me...she's more self-concious about it now that she ever has been before. So please try not to be a Mean Girl. I am going to try really hard too! Yet the weight struggle continues...

4 Comments:

  • At Wednesday, March 23, 2005 5:55:00 PM, Blogger mommy zabs said…

    Wow Girl.

    Your openness... it's a learning experience. I mean. I truly feel not only do I understand you even more, but I understand other perspectives.

    I think sometimes we are hurt by things because of what they are without weighing the motives they come from. That doesn't mean something that is said shouldn't hurt us. But I know that I am so sensitive I get hurt by many things that were not meant to harm. I would be mad at almost all my friends if I didn't say to myself... okay, they meant it this way, or this was their motive... I still drive myself crazy sometimes though. I repeat things over and over in my head that people say. And seem powerless over obsessing. I would say that is my biggest "demon", or one of them.

    On weight. Sometimes it is hard to know what to say to your friends when it is weight issues. (I try to remember that when people say stuff to me). If they have lost weight I feel fear of saying stuff because I am afraid of 2 things:
    1. what if they did it unhealthly- am i reinforcing a disorder?
    2. What if they think I thought they were fat before- when in many cases, I didn't.

    If they put on weight: Well, I think we all never say something about that.

    Then when people bring up their wieght around you it can be a lose lose situation. For many reasons and scenarios.

    I have to confess... I saw a beautiful pic of you on joanna's wedding page and you looked so thin. Thinner then when I moved- and i thought you were really thin then. So it did pass my mind worrying about you. But I didn't say anything. Cause I didn't want it to hurt. I feel like with all us girls it is so hard to know what to say. or if to say anything? Fact is you could have been that skinny healthy or not healthy, but as a friend you want to ask because you care about someone. And I'm sure sometimes people wonder from honesty.

    It's like with sick parents (i use this illustration since this is something we have both experienced) People don't always know how to approach the issue. I used to think it was because they had never gone through it, because when I was going through it most my friends hadn't yet. but with time i realize that there are still times i don't know how to approach it. Because everything needs you in a different way. One of my friend going through something like that may want me to ask everyday, another may want me to wait till they bring it up. Just because I went through it with my mom doesn't mean that another friend wtih a sick parent will want the same responses that I did (make sense) People just deal with things and respond to things differently.

    Many times in my life I have been accused of having a disorder. (not right now mind you :)) In middle school all my friends god puberty fat and i had skinny legs up to my shoulders. I ate everything in the world and couldn't gain. I cried myself to sleep at night. The most recent was when I had stomache problems and got so skinny. Many people thought I had a problem. I just reminded myself that people don't understand. I thnk crossing the line is when they refuse to believe you. Or saying you have a bad body because you are skinny. That is hurtful.

    Anyway, I know my comment is very long- sorry. I am really proud of you for being happy and pray that the emotional side of having a disorder will be healed. That you will be at peace in that area of your life.

    I love you girl.

     
  • At Wednesday, March 23, 2005 9:39:00 PM, Blogger mommy zabs said…

    oKay, i just reread my post, cause i was paranoid about it (typical me)
    and realized it is full of awful typos! :)
    At the end there I meant I am glad you are HEALTHY.
    The happy thing I wish on you :) on all of us really :) Cause it seems we all have our little mind games that make life hard.

    sorry for the typos.

    and since I'm paranoid about it (i'm totally the guy that keeps calling in swingers) i hope my long comment didn't seem preachy. Cause I struggle so much, all that I said there is stuff that I tell myself on a regular basis.

     
  • At Thursday, March 24, 2005 7:57:00 AM, Blogger GJ said…

    I want to comment, although I don't really know what I want to say. It's hard for me to understand this issue - because I cannot relate. (to things like starving or wanting to be a certain weight.) It's hard for me to understand how you could have a bad body image - although I know that you do. But I'm glad you are fighting the bad thoughts - and striving for the good. So, I'll just say that I'm glad you're talking about it - and I will always be here to listen. We're all in this together...

     
  • At Thursday, March 24, 2005 3:14:00 PM, Blogger meridith said…

    first off, welcome to the world of blogging. i am really enjoying reading your blogs and it is extremely encouraging and insightful. second, i can definitely hear what you are saying. (for reference see my long comment on glamjo's post about size) it sounds like you are doing great i so much admire your willpower.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home

 
Site Meter