"The medicine isn't working..."

These are words the cancer doctor told my mom this week. 8 months ago tomorrow my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It's a plasma cancer that attacks your bones. I don't fully understand it. All I know is that for the past 8 months my dad has been sucking down poison to try and kill the venom that resides in his body. And now...it's not working! Get this...my dad doesn't even know it. My dad went up to Washington to spend some time with his mom (my grandma) who had knee replacement surgery. The doctor called my parents home to tell my dad to come in IMMEDIATELY. Except he won't be home until Thursday. So he is scheduled to see the doctor first thing Friday morning. My mom told me all of this yesterday...Happy Easter to me! Then I was supposed to call my dad to wish him a Happy Easter...and pretend that everything was peachy! Because that's what my family has gotten so good at lately...pretending that everything is okay. And they have told me to not cry, be happy, be positive. I don't know how much longer I can fake it. As I called my grandma's home last night to wish everyone a Happy Easter...I faked it...again. My husband even congratulated me for sounding so positive. I think I should act...because I could definitely win an Oscar for all the FAKING I have had to do lately. Part of me likes faking it...because then I don't have to explain AGAIN that not everything is okay. Who knows...maybe if I fake it long enough...I will actually believe it myself. And people WONDER WHY I AM BORDERLINE DEPRESSED! No...I'm not just SAD...no I'm not just in a BAD MOOD...I'm tettering at the edge of depression. AND NOW THIS?!?! The POISON ISN'T WORKING!!! It was easy to fake it thinking that it was working...NOW WHAT??? I guess they change the medication and start over. Just last month the doctor told my dad everything was going great...and that he was really getting close to recommending him for a stem-cell regeneration. A step that can lead my dad into remission. I don't know what is going to happen now. All I know is that I had to pretend to be happy talking to my dad last night...when I just wanted to hug him and see him and let him know how much I love him and miss him. All the small talk CRAP about the weather was killing me. I just wanted to hear his voice. Don't get me wrong...I love talking to my grandma, and aunt and uncle who were also there...but I just wanted to talk to my daddy! 11 years ago next month, I lost my grandpa (my dad's dad) to lymphoma. I still haven't gotten over that...I can't handle this! I wish life could just be FAIR. Why can't the guy that committed adultery get cancer?!?! Why my dad?!?! A man that is admired by all that know him. A man that is 60 years old that loves the Lord with all his heart and has opened his home to MANY foster children. Why does he have to have cancer?? Why can't the medicine work for him?? And as I sit here writing this, my dad is smiling and laughing with his mom with not a care in the world. Not knowing that the chemo isn't working. And I get to sit here...and fake it...again...while i continue to hear the song in my head that repeats over and over "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT...EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT." The song I listened to 100 times when he was first diagnosed. I guess it's going back into heavy rotation this week.