{Not} ABANDONED
Guilt is beginning to flow through my veins as I begin to write this. Do you ever feel abandoned by God? I know ultimately He would never abandon us, but right now that is how I feel. I have been crying out to Him for years…and I must need hearing aids because I surely can’t hear Him…or feel Him. And with each thought I write…it’s like I’m hooked up to an IV and the nurse is injecting another dose of guilt that is rapidly spreading throughout my body. I don’t like to talk this way about my marvelous King…but it’s just the way I feel. And let’s be honest…He knows my every thought…so He already knows this. And right now I’m smack dab in the middle of pain and not understanding why circumstances in my life are the way that they are. And maybe this is God’s way of just showing me. I know it’s always when I’m in the valley times that I grow and learn life’s lessons. And I’m sure a year from now, I will look back at this and laugh at how silly I was to falter in my faith in Him. I like to be in control…and when that control is taken away (let’s be honest) I…FREAK…OUT!!! I know I have issues with handing over every ounce of me to Him. But God has also given us the ability to make choices. Although I would guess that since God knows our thoughts…and if we may be leaning one way…if He doesn’t want that path for us…He closes that door. It’s funny…because although I feel abandoned…I also KNOW in every cell of my body that He will comfort me, and take care of me, and hold my hand through this season. But today…I am at that place where I don’t feel Him. I feel alone…abandoned…with no direction…and I want to be in His will. It just seems like in times past when I am at a crossroads or in a valley I have this peace about which way to go…or what to do. And I am just so confused this time…with not an inkling of what to do. And I just want to see Him. I long to be in His presence…and see Him speak to me, so that I KNOW that I’m making the right decision. So I just wait…and hurt…and live life for one more day in hopes that tomorrow I will have that inkling of what to do to be in His will.
posted by AJ Fabulous @ 2/24/2006 08:22:00 AM
7 Comments:
At Friday, February 24, 2006 8:47:00 AM,
saraiwithani said…
I hate being in that place. I, too, have the control issue that factors into my relationship with God. Here's a quote from a Mariah Carey song that I always remember when things aren't going quite the way I planned: "I know there is a rainbow...for me to follow...to get beyond my sorrow. Thunder preceeds the sunglight...so I'll be alright if I can find that rainbow's end." Love you!
At Friday, February 24, 2006 3:11:00 PM,
GJ said…
I hear ya loud and clear. I often feel this way - and then feel guilty for feeling this way because I know it isn't true. I haven't quite mastered how to respond to these feelings so I don't have a magic answer.....but know that you are not alone.
At Friday, February 24, 2006 5:45:00 PM,
mommy zabs said…
The verse jenn just wrote you... last year when things were so hard... that verse was often in my head. Knowing how breastfeeding works... it makes even more significance to me. When i'm away from feeding lukas (or then owen) too long my breasts ache. SO BADLY. it's amazing how god made our bodies to feed them. You see- he knew there would be lack of sleep and lost brain cells so he had to make it so we physically COULD NOT forget to feed them :) Amazing. So in that verse when he talks basically how impossible it is for a breastfeeding mom to forget her child... HOW MUCH MORE can he not forget us. I know you know that intellectually though. It's hard when our hearts aren't where our brains are :) Do take comfort in him. Also- when your hearts desire is to follow him and you are seeking his will I really don't think it is possible to step out of his will. His will is a journey not a destination. We so often are looking for the "next" while he is just looking to see if our heart remains fixed on him. He often sweeps in last minute, and that is so hard. But take heart.. he has not forgotton you. Love you girl.
Be still and know that he is God.
At Friday, February 24, 2006 8:01:00 PM,
friendbrooke at everyday blessings said…
I am a friend of Sarai's and occasionally check out your blog and just wanted to say thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. I have felt this way so many times and feel like I am also at that same kind of crossroads. Thanks for reminding me that I am not the only one who doubts or struggles to hear! God Bless...
At Saturday, February 25, 2006 12:00:00 PM,
lulu said…
aj, i dont think I can say it any better than the Lord God himself. The verse posted by Jenn is God's perfect love for us. This too will pass.
At Tuesday, February 28, 2006 4:30:00 PM,
Pixie said…
OH AJ, I so feel your pain...please know that you are not alone. I can remember so many instances of feeling abandoned by God, but the good news is that I can remember more of God consoling my broken heart. Satan creeps in and plants this doubt and guilt, put on your armor of faith and be confident in Him.
The verse that always hits home with me is Job 23:10, "For He knows the way that I take, and when He has tested me I will come forth as Gold."
God knows your heart and He loves you so much. Hang in there.
Your sister in Christ,
Pixie
At Tuesday, March 07, 2006 8:05:00 AM,
andrea said…
I have been at this particular place so many times. it's such a hard place, I know. I don't think I can add anything more to what's already been said here... fantastic scriptures and words posted.
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