Fragile

Lately I have felt so unstable. I have had no energy to blog. I have wanted to…there has been A LOT I have wanted to blog about…I have just not had the energy to put it down on paper. I feel like I’m dangerously flirting with falling off the deep end. That scares me. I hate feeling like at any moment I might freak out and go crazy. I miss Carolyn. When I was in college…I freaked out. It was bad. It was scary. I cried A LOT. For those that know me…know I don’t really cry. Carolyn saved me. My mom forced me to go see a counselor/psychologist. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to admit I needed help. But I was so desperate…that I agreed to go once. Carolyn was my psychologist. It’s amazing that talking to a total stranger about your issues would make you feel so good. She helped me A LOT. I went to her every day the first couple of weeks. Then a couple times a week…then once a week…and by my senior year…I just went once a month. And then I moved to Nashville and she stepped out of my life. And I miss her. She always knew what to say. I felt like she equipped me with tools to not let me go back to that place. And she did. And I really hope I won’t flip out again. I know it won’t be as bad as last time if I do. But I just wish I could see her again. I wish I could go to a psychologist. I am very PRO-therapy. I think everyone could benefit from it. But I can’t afford it now. It was free since it was a program through my college. And I know I can talk to some of my friends…but I also know they have invested interest in me…and are biased. And it’s just scary to think about talking about it with my friends. I don’t want to dump it on them. You would think it would be more comfortable…but it is rather uncomfortable. I just feel like at any moment someone might say something…or I might have a crazy thought…and I will just snap. I know this is very vague. But if I go into it, it will do more harm than good. Sometimes I feel like I need a life overhaul. Just a HUGE change. But then I think it’s the potential little changes that will freak me out. I know something BIG is in store…I just don’t know what. I’m ready to move on and see what lies ahead. I’m just waiting to take that first step.