Hot Flash

(Warning…this blog may get a little graphic…enjoy!) Guys have it SO EASY. I remind my husband of this regularly. They don’t have to have periods…they don’t have to deliver children (not that I know what it’s like…but I can imagine based on what friends have told me)...they don’t have to go through menopause, etc. I really shouldn’t complain. I don’t get cramps, I don’t have to put on a heating pad, my periods don’t last long and aren’t heavy. But about twice a year I will have heavy periods. Today my good ole’ friend TOM (Time Of Month) came for his monthly visit. I had to stop by Walmart on the way to work to pick something up, and while I was paying…I felt him coming. I needed to get to work IMMEDIATELY. I drive like a grandma usually, but today was the quickest trip I have ever made from Walmart to work. Ahhh…there’s nothing like the feeling of a fresh tampon. But something was telling me that today was different. That this period was going to be the granddaddy of them all. And it is all that and more. I don’t get headaches…I have a headache…it feels like someone is ripping out my insides and pulling my ovaries out of my body. I feel like my head is somewhere else and I am floating. Everytime I stand up the blackness creeps in like I’m about to pass out, but then just as it’s about to turn all black the light comes back. The room feels like it’s spinning around me. My neck is weak…my legs are weak…come to mention it my whole body is weak. My fingers are tingling. Basically I just want to go home…lay on a couch under a blanket and sip hot chocolate. Whenever people step into my office…the most common sentence that comes out of their mouths is “It feels like a sauna in here”. So I call my office The Sauna. I like it hot. I get cold easy, so I’m always wrapped in a blanket at home, or have my heater blasting at work. Yes…even in July!

So this afternoon…one of my bosses comes into my office to have me come listen to an artist sing some songs to get a radio perspective. So I walk down the hall. They start singing the first song. CRAP…I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW!!! But I can’t run out of the room to my office to get a tampon and high tail it into the bathroom. I can’t wave at them and yell STOP so I can momentarily run to the bathroom and change my tampon. So I just smile as they are singing…thinking…”WHEN IS THIS SONG GOING TO END SO I CAN LEAVE”. But my boss proceeded to have them play 5 SONGS. 5 SONGS!!!! After the 1st song…everyone in the room was like…it’s freezing in here. Normally I would be the one saying that. But I was sitting there sweating like a PIG. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I think to myself…”I’M HAVING MY FIRST HOT FLASH”. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!! And it felt like blood was going to start dripping down my leg at any minute. But I’m trying to act cool and calm and give my opinion of the song…so I just cross my legs as I’m standing JUST IN CASE. They are still talking…but I can’t stand it ANYMORE…I politely walk out the door…okay…maybe it wasn’t politely…I just left. I high tail it to my office to get a SUPER tampon. Just as I reach for my purse a co-worker comes in and says “Do you want to hang up your wipe board now…or tomorrow. I wanted to shout…”I DON’T CARE…JUST LET ME GET MY TAMPON AND GET IN THAT BATHROOM!!!!” But I just said…”Why don’t we do it tomorrow”. He continues to talk…STOP TALKING! I just smile…and he finally turns around and leaves…I grab a tampon and head for the bathroom. CRAP…there’s my boss…LEAVE ME ALONE…just as he is about to say something I just BRISKLY SLAM OPEN the door to the bathroom and ignore him. THANK GOODNESS I MADE IT BEFORE THE BLOOD EXITED MY BODY…but it was just on the verge. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world! Ahhh…relief again! I notice that the sweating is ceasing…but my armpits are soaked. Luckily I have a shirt on that you would NEVER notice. I wash my hands and head back to the office. My boss immediately enters and wants to know the stats of a song at a certain station. I am obviously frustrated. I just want to be left alone in my PERIOD MAYHEM! He asks…”Are you okay”. I said…do you REALLY want to know. He said…yes. Sometimes I need to be a little more candid. I just blurted…”I am having the worst period of my life…and I think I just had my first hot flash”. He paused…not knowing what to say…then finally said…”Maybe you’re pregnant”. (He always likes to say this to me for some reason.) I said rather loudly…”There is A LOT of blood coming out of my body…I don’t think I’m pregnant”. DON’T GUYS KNOW WHAT HAVING A PERIOD IS?!?!?!? HE’S MARRIED…COME ON!!! Maybe there’s something I don’t know…but I figure if there is A LOT of blood coming out of my body…I can safely assume I am not pregnant! Stop assuming! Again...he was speachless. All he managed to say was...I'm sorry. By the way…DID I MENTION THAT I AM A LITTLE MOODY! I am freezing again all of a sudden…on comes the heat!