Desperate

Sometimes I think I was meant to be the 6th character on Desperate Housewives. But then I remember I’m not a housewife. That…and my marriage is great. So maybe I wouldn’t be a good character afterall. But I sure am desperate. I looked up the meaning of desperate. The dictionary says:

a. having lost hope
b. giving no ground for hope

This led me to look up despair.

despair - to lose all hope or confidence.

That sounds about right. Since Monday I have just been down on life. I feel so lost and desperate. I am restless. Just when I thought I found a place of contentment at work…I am restless again. I have been feeling this way on and off (mostly on) for over 2 years now. And it is SO ON right now. I had a serious talk with God…OUTLOUD…on my way home from work yesterday. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know where I want to go. I’m just lost and need direction…DESPERATELY. I feel like I don’t make a difference in this world. But for some reason, I feel like I was meant for more. I feel like God has given me gifts that I should be using…but I don’t know what those gifts are…and I don’t know what I was meant to do. I feel like I have been fairly patient. Afterall, I’ve been waiting for some kind of sign or direction for over 2 years. And I’m not looking for grand advice…unless it’s straight from my Creator’s lips. At Church on Sunday we had a couple of guest speakers, and one of the pastors said that he was talking to God in the shower and God answered him back. Right away. I think that started the frustration. And not that it’s the same for everyone…but it makes me want to tell God…”I’ve been waiting patiently for over 2 years and nothing…when that guy asks…it’s immediately responded to”. But I know it doesn’t work that way. I’m trying to keep patient. But each day that goes by I feel like I lose a little more hope. In the past I have always felt a slight nudge that I know was straight from God. I guess I’m waiting for that again. In the meantime, I do everything I can to not slip down the slippery slope of depression. I can handle despair and desperation…but depression…SCARES ME SO BAD. I don’t want to go back there again. Instantly I am flung into emergency reaction mode. All of the mind exercises that my therapist taught me come back. And I go through them in my head…and I’m okay. Sort of. Then I have to start them all over again 5 minutes later…and tell myself I’m okay. And pretend I’m okay to the outside world. And just type HA HA HA when someone IM’s me to make it look like I’m okay.

But then I am fine the next day. And then the next day the cycle begins again. I think it’s a mental game. All I know is it’s one game I don’t like to play. I just have to be mentally tough when some days I just want to melt into the earth and just disappear for no one to ever find me and hope they will just forget I was ever there. But that’s not realistic. I just want to feel alive. Feel like I have a purpose. Is that too much to ask for. I just want to be happy…heck…I would settle for content. I wish I wasn’t a big dreamer…because then I wouldn’t be disappointed. Because right now I am disappointed with my life. And that is sad. I’m sure there are people out there that are envious of my life. Then I feel sad for some celebrities…because they have “MADE IT BIG” in the eyes of the world…yet they are as sad and lost as I am. I say that to make myself think that if my career dreams in life were to come true…I might still feel as unfulfilled as ever. And I know that God is the only thing that can satisfy me…and he does. I feel like I am at a very good place in my faith…is it bad to want more. I want to be used. It’s not like I’m asking for money or celebrity. I just want to feel that I have purpose and make a difference in people’s lives. That’s all I have to say…I feel like I’m talking in circles now. Ugh…desperation creeps in again.