Trauma

I saw him yesterday. HIM! The guy that I let rule my heart for ohh…a good 9 years. Yikes! I hadn’t seen him in over 4 years. Let me give you some background. When I was 15 I met him. It was a very magical moment to a 15 year old. There was something different about him. (Let’s call him Nine to give him a name.) I had the biggest butterflies in my stomach…instantly. And just felt a connection. It is hard to shake…I can still feel that feeling just thinking about it. I felt like my life would never be the same. That he was in my life for a reason. Let me remind you…I WAS 15 YEARS OLD…VERY YOUNG! Nine was in a band…and he gave me his address. Which I took very seriously…and I’m sure he thought he just had another fan. So I wrote. And he wrote back!! Which pretty much changed my world!!! I had a bonafide crush! My first BIG crush! And during these 9 years I liked other guys, but never took any of them seriously. Couldn’t commit because in the back of my mind…I just knew I had a chance with Nine. (Even if it was 1 in a million…I thought there was a chance!) None of the other guys gave me the butterflies the way Nine did. So we wrote on and off. I would see him whenever he was in my neck of the woods. This continued through college. When I was in college I would go early to the concert and we would hang out before the show. Then his band broke up and I lost touch. His email address changed. I was crushed…but had faith that I would run into him again. So I moved to Nashville after I graduated. I wasn’t even here a month…and sure enough…I ran into him. He was with a new band now, and I happened to go with my roommate to this new band’s event. He gave me his phone number. This was a big step…I thought! So we started calling. He was traveling a lot. When he was in town we would get lunch. Then he would travel some more. Then we would hang out outside of lunch. He came over…hung out…we got dinner at a really nice restaurant. I was smitten. He told me nice things about how he really enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to again whenever he was in town. He gave me the world’s biggest hugs! His smile melted my heart and I felt like his eyes pierced my soul. Then it happened. HE…NEVER…CALLED…BACK. NEVER. NEVEREVER!!!! I called once a month for 3 months. I left three messages. None were returned. I was crushed. I thought everything was great! I thought things were actually now happening. I THOUGHT I felt a relationship forming. I must have been SO WRONG! Mutual friends said he was spooked because of my age. He was 11 years older than me, and at the time I was 23. What a dumb reason not to like someone. But now I know it was probably just a reason that covered up the fact that he must have not liked me like that. I had to let go…SOMEHOW. It was so hard because it had been so long…and there was no closure. No real reason. NOTHING. I prayed and prayed to run into him. And I didn’t. I would see his picture in the trade magazines and just HURT. 9 years out of 23 years on this earth is A LONG TIME. And let’s face it…it started out as crush/dream. I was young and fantasized way too much. So it hurt. Many months went by and I still had hope. (I was such a MORON!) And then the most amazing thing happened to me. My sweet husband Steve walked into my life. And Steve was made for me. And I want to be with Steve. I don’t want to be with Nine. And Steve knows about Nine…and knows how he affects me. And he is so understanding. And just loves me through it. And about a year ago, I told God…please don’t let me run into Nine. If I do run into him…let it be because I am at some industry event where I will have a head’s up that he might be there. Of course at all of those events I never see him. This brings us to yesterday. Steve and I went to the mall at lunch. I need to get a new prescription to get new contacts and glasses, and I wanted to check out Lens Crafters in the mall. We were about 3 stores away from Lens Crafters, and I am distracted by Finish Line because I need new running shoes. As I’m looking in Finish Line…I tell Steve…maybe we should go in there after Lens Crafters. It’s at that moment that I look in front of me and lock eyes with Nine. It was totally in slow motion. He was walking towards me…and I was walking towards him. And he half way smiles and my jaw drops open. 4 YEARS LATER. My eyes are finally able to break the trance and I kept walking. Up until that moment, I thought that when I saw him I would stop and say hello. Instead I just kept walking and say….”OH FFFFFFFFFFFFF”. I’m not really the cursing kind. Especially a word of that magnitude. And all that came out was the F sound. And Steve was like…”what’s wrong…what’s going on?” I quietly say…we just walked by Nine. We walk into Lens Crafters. I wanted to see if they had a certain frame that I saw in California when I went with my mom to the eye doctor. I managed to ask someone on the staff…but I really didn’t care. I was in a daze. I just left…I didn’t want to be at Lens Crafters anymore. Maybe the Finish Line would help. I couldn’t find the shoe that I wanted. But I wasn’t really looking. I ask Steve if there’s any place he needs to go. He says no. So we proceed to be on our way out of the mall. We walk by Nine AGAIN. By this time I am sick to my stomach. I know he saw me. He knows I saw him. I wanted to stop. I couldn’t. I didn’t feel it was appropriate with Steve there. I don’t know why??? The rest of the day I was traumatized. Like I had just seen a really gruesome car accident that I couldn’t get out of my brain. My appetite went away and I wasn’t able to eat lunch or dinner. Nine isn’t going to hold a warm fuzzy place in my heart. I won’t let him. He blew me off. He is an important person in my life…but it’s not warm fuzzy. Yet…I don’t know how even now…I can’t get over it. When I got back to work…there was something in me that wanted to rush back to the mall to see if he was still there. I don’t know why? I managed to stop by at Walmart on the way home…and got some Downhome Punch. I haven’t done that since I have been married. I’m sure it took Steve by surprise. Not that I drank a lot…but I needed something to take the edge off. (This is NOT an endorsement to drink your problems away.) And I was fine. And Steve was wonderful. And today I am better. I now think the reason Nine was in my life was to protect me from other relationships. I suppose if I only have 1 person like that…it isn’t all that bad. I was so focused on him I didn’t get serious with anyone else. That left me pure for my husband. And I am thankful for that. Although…sometimes I think the emotional relationships are much harder than the physical. But I wouldn’t fully know that…it’s just a hunch. I’m still wondering why I had that reaction yesterday. I’m left here mystified.