Choices

Isn’t it amazing to think that one little decision can affect the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! When I really think about it…it makes me not want to make ANY decisions. I think that is because I have seen the decisions that I have made that I would have done so differently. I know hindsight is 20/20, and I know that God’s plan is better than mine…but what if I would have chosen things differently?!?!? Where would I be? Would I be happier? God allows us choice. It’s easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side, but it not always is. That has made me so gun shy on decisions. When I think things are bad, or not going my way…I have to remind myself how much worse they could be. But what if they could be better…I will never know. I don’t want to look back at life and think I have made the wrong decisions, but that is how I feel today. So far from where I THOUGHT I would be. So far from Contentment. A couple of days ago I was talking to Steve about this. He said he doesn’t think we will truly be content until we get to heaven. I quickly disagreed, listing people that are happy. But come to find that our definition of contentment is different. I view contentment as a rung under happy. He views contentment as the ultimate place of rest and peace. So according to his definition I guess I would agree. No matter how happy you are with your career, or family, or possessions…there will always be something that fails you. Fails all of us. We are human. This is a fallen world. I can’t wait to be the kind of content that my husband talks about. How amazing Heaven will be! But I feel like I have A LOT of life here on earth…Lord willing. So I guess the quest for happiness on this earth continues. I have been hung up lately on wishing I could start over. I wish I could go back to registration for my first semester at college where I decide what my major is going to be. But…then that means all of the drama that went a long with college and beyond…and all of my struggles. I wouldn’t want to go through that again. But I think I would still choose that…because it’s a bad place to be when you feel that at 27 your life is over. This isn’t really how I feel…but kind of. It makes me NUMB. I feel very sorry for myself. I don’t know what is going to make me feel differently. There will be something. I BELIEVE IT. I just wish it would come soon. This 3+ year valley has made me VERY tired. I want to feel alive. I want to be excited to get up every day. And some days I feel that…and it is intoxicating. I WANT MORE. But it goes away. I want my husband to know the woman that I really am. But I am terrified he will never meet her. But through this all…I have faith that one day it will change. One day I will get there. Even though there are instances where I just feel mad at God…I know that I know that I know…one day I will look back at this and thank God for what he has brought me through. In the meantime, I continue to walk this valley anxiously searching for the mountain to climb.