Most Likely to Succeed (Part 1)
I have been having such issues with my self-confidence lately. It has been so weird. My whole life I have always been a self-confident person. I have always felt confident in my abilities, and have felt smart. Not like genius smart, but intelligent. (I can already tell this blog entry is going to be a stretch because I don’t want to come across as sounding full of myself in any way.) I have always had issues with self-esteem…but my self-confidence has always been solid. Not lately…I guess I would say the last 2 years in particular have been really hard. It seems to get worse each day that passes.
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up a year from October. I have been prepping for this since the day I left high school. You know how every senior class votes for people to be “Most Likely to Succeed” or “Best Couple” or “Best Eyes”. I was nominated “Most Likely to Succeed”. I was THRILLED! I guess they voted for me because I was student body president, captain of the swim team, vice president of the Spanish club, FCA, Aquatics Club, etc. Basically accolades GALLORE. THE OVERACHEIVER. Therefore I knew I would spend the next 10 years SUCCEEDING to prove to everyone that I was successful. I mean I had to live up to it…right?!? And the first 5 years out of high school I was doing great! President of my sorority, Head New Student Orientation Counselor (a coveted role at my college), etc. I volunteered for SEVERAL organizations. Then I graduated…and moved to Nashville to work for the Christian Music Industry, before I started my real career. (I thought working for a record label would be such a fluff job…boy was I wrong!) My plan was to be here for 3 years, then continue with my career in broadcast news. (That’s what my major was.) At the 3 year mark…I had met Steve. So all the plans of going back to California diminished. And I’m okay with it…but it sure threw a wrench in MY plans. And then there’s my job. I like it…I love it…I DO…most of the time. And I love Flicker, everything we stand for and our artists. But being the radio promoter (and over-achiever by nature) it has taken a toll on the ego. No…not ego…much worse…self-confidence and self-worth. I go to other radio promoter’s offices (including my husband’s), and there are #1 plaques EVERYWHERE. Or they can rattle off…I have 21 #1’s. And they have been doing this half as long as me. What do I have to show for my 5 years…NOTHING! A BIG GOOSE EGG. You might as well stamp the big L on my forehead…because I’m a LOSER. Sometimes I’m tempted to tell future artists…”DON’T SIGN WITH FLICKER IF YOU WANT A #1 AT RADIO…BECAUSE I’M SURE I WILL SCREW IT UP”. Wait…what happened to the Student Body President who could do ANYTHING????? I know life isn’t about accolades and resume builders and #1 plaques…and maybe I put too much stock in those things. Maybe God led me to Flicker to teach me just that. But I just can’t get myself to be okay with it. And instead of being okay with it…I feel less and less intelligent each day. Less and less confident. Less and less creative. Less and less full of life. Instead of being the adventurer full of life…I’m the homebody who might be content going unnoticed. And I don’t like it. I WANT THE ME THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO TO COME BACK. I would be more fun…people would like me better…I would have more friends. I would be more open…?!?!?!? Maybe. The less confident I feel about myself…the less I want to share of myself with others. Some days there are glimpses of that girl. And I feel SO ALIVE…and so confident…but then she goes away.
I’m so scared to go back to my 10 year reunion as a failure. And right now…that is what I would be. I expected to be well on my way to being the next Katie Couric or Sam Ryan. Now I don’t even think I could do it because my self-confidence is so beaten up. And the sands of time are slipping through the hour glass…oh…so…quickly. I have 17 months to make something of myself. SO WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT! I have always been so great at figuring it out…so great at planning my life. And I know God’s plan is better than mine…but God…SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. I have a megaphone to my ear trying so desperately to hear you. But there has been nothing but silence for 2 years. I have 17 months…DO SOMETHING! I know it’s stupid. I’m sure some of you think I should just not go to my reunion. Or tell me it doesn’t matter. And chances are (even though I wouldn’t want to admit it out loud), I’m sure 99.9% of the people there...meaning everyone but me…won’t even remember that I was the most likely to succeed. BUT IT MATTERS TO ME. Ugh…and the journey continues.
My 10 year high school reunion is coming up a year from October. I have been prepping for this since the day I left high school. You know how every senior class votes for people to be “Most Likely to Succeed” or “Best Couple” or “Best Eyes”. I was nominated “Most Likely to Succeed”. I was THRILLED! I guess they voted for me because I was student body president, captain of the swim team, vice president of the Spanish club, FCA, Aquatics Club, etc. Basically accolades GALLORE. THE OVERACHEIVER. Therefore I knew I would spend the next 10 years SUCCEEDING to prove to everyone that I was successful. I mean I had to live up to it…right?!? And the first 5 years out of high school I was doing great! President of my sorority, Head New Student Orientation Counselor (a coveted role at my college), etc. I volunteered for SEVERAL organizations. Then I graduated…and moved to Nashville to work for the Christian Music Industry, before I started my real career. (I thought working for a record label would be such a fluff job…boy was I wrong!) My plan was to be here for 3 years, then continue with my career in broadcast news. (That’s what my major was.) At the 3 year mark…I had met Steve. So all the plans of going back to California diminished. And I’m okay with it…but it sure threw a wrench in MY plans. And then there’s my job. I like it…I love it…I DO…most of the time. And I love Flicker, everything we stand for and our artists. But being the radio promoter (and over-achiever by nature) it has taken a toll on the ego. No…not ego…much worse…self-confidence and self-worth. I go to other radio promoter’s offices (including my husband’s), and there are #1 plaques EVERYWHERE. Or they can rattle off…I have 21 #1’s. And they have been doing this half as long as me. What do I have to show for my 5 years…NOTHING! A BIG GOOSE EGG. You might as well stamp the big L on my forehead…because I’m a LOSER. Sometimes I’m tempted to tell future artists…”DON’T SIGN WITH FLICKER IF YOU WANT A #1 AT RADIO…BECAUSE I’M SURE I WILL SCREW IT UP”. Wait…what happened to the Student Body President who could do ANYTHING????? I know life isn’t about accolades and resume builders and #1 plaques…and maybe I put too much stock in those things. Maybe God led me to Flicker to teach me just that. But I just can’t get myself to be okay with it. And instead of being okay with it…I feel less and less intelligent each day. Less and less confident. Less and less creative. Less and less full of life. Instead of being the adventurer full of life…I’m the homebody who might be content going unnoticed. And I don’t like it. I WANT THE ME THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO TO COME BACK. I would be more fun…people would like me better…I would have more friends. I would be more open…?!?!?!? Maybe. The less confident I feel about myself…the less I want to share of myself with others. Some days there are glimpses of that girl. And I feel SO ALIVE…and so confident…but then she goes away.
I’m so scared to go back to my 10 year reunion as a failure. And right now…that is what I would be. I expected to be well on my way to being the next Katie Couric or Sam Ryan. Now I don’t even think I could do it because my self-confidence is so beaten up. And the sands of time are slipping through the hour glass…oh…so…quickly. I have 17 months to make something of myself. SO WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT! I have always been so great at figuring it out…so great at planning my life. And I know God’s plan is better than mine…but God…SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. I have a megaphone to my ear trying so desperately to hear you. But there has been nothing but silence for 2 years. I have 17 months…DO SOMETHING! I know it’s stupid. I’m sure some of you think I should just not go to my reunion. Or tell me it doesn’t matter. And chances are (even though I wouldn’t want to admit it out loud), I’m sure 99.9% of the people there...meaning everyone but me…won’t even remember that I was the most likely to succeed. BUT IT MATTERS TO ME. Ugh…and the journey continues.
posted by AJ Fabulous @ 5/05/2005 03:57:00 PM
2 Comments:
At Thursday, May 05, 2005 7:39:00 PM,
mommy zabs said…
Aj I see it totally differently. I haven't known too many people that work as hard as you. You HAUL! Any company should be thrilled to have you and I personally think a company you were interested to work at before that hired someone else made a BIG mistake. you were the right one. (you know what I'm talking about)
I really don't think the #1 thing is any reflection on you, your ability, your work ethic, or success. Anyone who knows you know you bust your butt. I have never even come close to have you and failure in my head at the same time. You are so far from that, and I am not saying that just to be nice.
As far as having tons of friends.... blah blah. You know... that's kinda hard in nashville. IT just is. I don't understand it. But for 1 people are always gone so there is a real culture of unconnectedness. It's hard there. I was a huge AJ fan from the moment I saw you. You radiate. You have an effortless quality about you most people long for.
You are so genuine... an absolute rare treasure in the music city. Youa re so caring. so passionate, so true, so strong.... and on top of that ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. You have an amazing guy by your side on top of it. YOU are successful in all possible ways.
I just went to my 10 year last fall. Lots of weird feelings going into it! I was voted BEST DRESSED. HA! Best dressed. I though. No way. That is an expensive one to keep up. And I totally don't feel it. Sure i went into fashion and what not. But As much as I love ti. I am quite aware I am low on the todem pool of fashion. But you know what. No one cared. My friends there for the most part don't know or care what the absolute latest thing is. And it was fun just to see them. To share lives with them. I didn't even tell anyone what I did or do. I just said "mom" and That was super freeing for me.
You never know what will happen by then. Life can seemingly stand still for 2 years, then dramatically change in 10 months. (trust me :)) My prayer for you is that God will put you were your truest passions lie so that you will be happy, have amazing peace, and be so proud of where your at.
I love you AJ. I wish you knew how truley amazing you are.
At Friday, May 06, 2005 2:46:00 PM,
GJ said…
Yeah - what Elizabeth said! I know that no matter what any of us say, you have to come to a conclusion on your own...BUT. You are one of my very favorite people in the world - and I know a lot of great people! I know it's hard to believe in yourself when everything seems to be going against you....but know that I love you. MANY people love you. And you are fabulous in every way. (including radio)
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