The "Weakness" that I Loathe...kind of

This time of analyzation takes me WAY back in life. Back to about 6 years old or so. Picture this...a gymnasium...with uneven bars, a vault, balance beams and floors. Girls flipping around on all of this equipment. I was one of those girls! There was nothing more I wanted in life (at that moment) to go to the 1992 Barcelona Olympics and compete in Gymnastics. I trained...A LOT...and HARD! 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. And that was just gymnastics. We also had manditory ballet and tap classes. I guess I did this for 9 years. I was about 2 years away from moving to Texas to train with Bela Karoli. I was pretty good, if I have to say so myself. But when I was 6 was when I first remember training with Mark. Mark was probably in his 30s. He had a mustache. He was TOUGH. And he only trained "CERTAIN" girls. I was one of the fortunate. I also trained with Jeanine and Kathy like everyone else, but there were only a handful of us that had extra training with Mark. I don't really know what all of Mark's accolades were, but he was respected...and FEARED. I feared him! He would YELL at us...to bend further, and try harder and whip around faster...and many girls cried. And that would make him yell louder. He would tell us that crying is for "weak" girls that wouldn't amount to much. Especially not winners. If a girl started crying, he would tell them to leave. He WOULDN'T lower himself to train weak girls. I NEVER cried. I wanted to BE THE BEST. I wanted Mark to lift me into his arms and put me on his shoulder because I accomplished a hard task. That happened once...and it was one of the best feelings in my life! Little did I know that over these years I would incorporate Mark's philosophy on crying into my life. Okay...I admit it...I view crying as a weakness. FOR ME. Not for others...but for me. I know that crying is good, and it's a good release of stress and pent up emotions, and you feel better after crying. And I have cried in my life. I can pretty much recount most of the times that I have cried, and they are few. Now when I say CRY, I mean more than a tear trickling down your face. Like, you have to get tissues and blow your nose and all your make up comes off and you start making noises trying to catch your breath. That I don't do often. I tear up on occasion. I was thinking about it this weekend. It was a hard weekend for me...for other reasons. But I wanted to cry. But I knew I couldn't. And then it kind of hit me. I think I keep myself from crying because it's a form of punishment. I struggle with self-punishment. I "ground myself" from certain foods, or things I like. Why?? I guess to teach myself a lesson. I know if I cry, I will feel better emotionally. But I don't deserve to feel better, so I nip it in the bud, and tell myself I don't deserve it. I AM WEAK IF I CRY. That makes me stop. Even when I found out that my dad had cancer...(which has been my longest cry in almost 6 years) only lasted about 15 minutes. Steve has never seen me LOSE it. He didn't witness any of those 15 minutes. I don't feel like I lost it in those 15 minutes. The last 2 times I remember losing it were at my grandpa's funeral in 1994, and when I got back to the states after living in Italy in August of 1999 and was experiencing reverse culture shock. Those were bad. (Actually there was about 2 months where I battled depression the fall of 1996 that were bad...but I view that as an era and not a day. But those should be counted in the losing it portion.) Part of me wishes I would allow myself to just cry. But I'll let you in on a sick secret...part of me LOVES the fact that I stop myself from crying. I guess it makes me feel tough. I don't know why I need to be tough?? There's no reason. I don't really know the point of this rant. Please don't think I think you are weak because you cry. It's good for you. This rule ONLY applies to me. I don't think any less of my friends and family who cry. But as for me...I choose not to. I'm sure I'll lose it again at some point. Hopefully none of you will be around to witness it...it will be SCARY!