The Inevitable Quest...

Impulsive Beats Frumpy & Dumpy

2010-10-05T12:40:00.000-07:00

I am 17 1/2 weeks pregnant. Thank goodness I am passed the weeks of nasea that comes along with the first trimester. For me and this pregnancy it lasted 3 weeks longer than my first pregnancy...so I wasn't too happy for awhile. But I turned the corner sometime during my 15th week, and I feel better now. However, now comes the part of the pregnancy where you just feel frumpy and dumpy. Your belly is sticking out...but someone who doesn't know you probably just thinks you could afford to lose a few pounds. My normal jeans don't comfortably button anymore. I'm trying not to get depressed about it. So down comes the maternity bin from the attic. I assess what I had last pregnancy. Basically everything in there isn't going to work. Satchel was due in August. This one is due in March. So my biggest months will be January - March. WINTER. Hmmm...with Satchel my big months were June - August. My overstretched tank tops and cropped pants aren't going to work in January. However, there was a pair of "fat jeans" in there. (Not maternity jeans...just a bigger pair of jeans from my heavier days.) And also a pair of maternity black pants and maternity jeans. So I try them on. They are all too big. And I am thankful for that. One good thing so far is I started off about 10 pounds lighter this pregnancy, and have only gained 5 pounds so far. However, that leaves old maternity clothes WAY...TOO...BIG. So today I decided to wear my fat jeans to work instead of putting a rubber band on my not buttoned normal jeans. Basically I have saggy crotch. Am I more comfortable...yes...do I feel frumpy & dumpy...YES! Not to mention I'm wearing my boots that I am attempting to tuck boot cut jeans into which kind of creates the pirate pants effect. Not cute! Aren't you supposed to feel beautiful, confident and full of life when pregnant?!? That is not what I feel.

For those that know me well, know impulsive isn't really in my vocabulary when it comes to shopping. I would like to say I'm thoughtful. I see something I like...I need to ponder it...digest it...live with the thought of buying said item for a few days. I have my blow money...and I like to spend it thoughtfully. Therefore, I am NOT an impulsive buyer.

Fast forward to lunch time today. Remember, I have saggy crotch and feel frumpy & dumpy. I have no lunch plans. Do I want to go maternity clothes shopping?? NO WAY. BUT. I'm over feeling frump. So on a whim I decide to go to the mall...and shop during lunch. GASP! Can't tell you the last time I did that. It's been years for sure.

Side note...last weekend Satchel and I went to the mall for a couple of hours to ride the escalators. I took 5 steps into the maternity store, the lady working asked if she could help me with anything...I said no and walked out. I couldn't do it.

I was hoping today would be different. I took the first 5 steps into the store. Lady greeted me, asked if she could help. I pointed to my pirate poof pants with saggy crotch and said, "I am in desperate need of skinny jeans. HELP!"

Not 15 minutes later I was at the counter with 3 pairs of jeans and some leggings. IMPULSIVE I TELL YOU! The thoughtful side of me desperately asks..."What is your return policy?"

"30 days with the tags on," maternity worker responds.

"PERFECT," I say.

And I am on my way. 15 minutes. That is blasphemy in my own little shopping world. But hey...impulsiveness beats frumpy, dumpy, saggy crotch and pirate pants.

Pregnancy does crazy things!!

Missing

2010-10-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

So I have obviously been absent from this blog. After my dad died, I needed a break. I had Satchel, and as much as I love him...he turned my world upside down. I didn't want to write about it. Life has it's ups and downs, and I have experienced both in the last 3 years. But today I am compelled to come back. To have an outlet.

So what's new? Satchel just turned 3, and is my little buddy. He is so smart, and I am a proud mumma. He knows all of the presidents, and just about all of the states. He loves to learn.

Steve and I are approaching 7 years of marriage...and I couldn't be happier. He is my best friend, and I am thankful for him, his support and his friendship.

And...I'm pregnant with baby Strout #2. This little being is due on March 11th. To be brutally honest, I'm not excited about being pregnant. I'm excited about meeting this little person in March, but I am NOT excited about pregnancy. This time I know what to expect...and I have A LOT ahead of me that I'm NOT looking forward to. But it will pass, and I will have a new blessing.

So there it is. I'm open to being open again. And I'm sure I will have lots to write about during my pregnancy adventure!

Dear Dad,

2007-06-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Father’s Day! I wish I could tell you in person. These past 5 months have been the hardest months of my life because I don’t have you here with me. I never really realized exactly how much you mean to me, until now. There have been so many days where I go to pick up the phone to call you and I can’t. It’s excruciating not being able to talk to you. I still talk to you, and I hope somehow you can hear me. I just think of it like you are my guardian angel, but that still doesn’t ease the pain. There is this void in my life that will never be filled by anyone else.

We are 10 weeks away from baby Satchel being here. I still dream of you being at the hospital and me handing him over to you, so that you could hold your grandson. The day just won’t be the same. However, I know you will be smiling down from Heaven, and you will watch over him wherever he goes. I just hope that somehow God will be able to let Satchel know how much you love him. I know he would have followed you wherever you would go, the way I used to follow you around. You should see me now. I’ve got quite a tummy on me lately. I know you would have talked to my belly and let Satchel know how much you love him. And that would have filled my heart with a joy greater than I have ever known. I so badly wanted to go through this with you. I really thought you would be here to hold him at least once. I know you were trying to hold on, but God had a different plan.

You would be so proud of mom. She is so strong. She loves you so much. She misses you really bad, and honestly I don’t know how she is holding up the way she is. I am so proud of her. I hope that she feels that you are still with her, and I hope she knows how much you love her. Because we all know you loved her so deeply. She is going to be the best grandma, and I know she will tell Satchel all about you.

Today is the first Father’s Day without you. And guess what, for the first time in baseball history the Giants are playing the Red Sox at Fenway. I know you will be on the couch next to us watching and cheering for your Giants. It would have been a perfect Father’s Day with you. We are also going to start a tradition, and make sure to either make homemade ice cream, or go out for ice cream in your honor. Our kids will know the ice cream is because of their Papa Keatts. We miss you so much today.

Most of all dad, your little girl longs for your hugs. I might never have told you, but you were my source of comfort. I don’t think I needed to tell you, I think you knew. If I ever had a bad day, I just wanted to climb next to you on the couch and tuck my head in the fold of your neck, and stay there for hours. That was my place. I long to be there now on this Father’s Day. Actually, I have longed to be there for the past 5 months. I will never forget the feeling of all being right with the world when I was in your arms. You made any problems or bad feelings melt away. You were always there. And I know you always will be, but it’s just not the same. I wish I could still call you when I have questions about the house, or the car, or just to tell you great news, or struggles I am going through. The best news is no one can ever take away the memories I have of you. They are perfect, and they are timeless. I love you forever daddy! Watch over us today and always.

Always your little girl,
Ang

Absence

2007-03-01T15:45:00.001-08:00

So I've kind of been missing in action...FOR AWHILE. The reason is...there is nothing...and all too much to write. All at once. I am typically an even keeled person. My highs aren't too high...and my lows aren't too low. But I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 months. This emotional journey really started on December 3rd. My dad had a high fever and went to the hospital. Between December 3rd and January 8th, the following took place:

*He had a very bad fever that wasn't going away

*He was visited by every infectious disease doctor at the VA

*His memory slowly faded to where he didn't know where he was...or what year it was

*He basically went into a coma...went into the ICU...and was put on life support

*They found out he contracted Herpes Incefilitis (a non-sexual form of Herpes)

*This affected the part of his brain that controlled his swallowing capabilities

*His liver fails...but after a few days he gets his liver functions back

*He wakes up and they transfer him out of ICU

*He is now on a feeding tube

*They treat him with viral medication and it helps

*We all spent Christmas in his hospital room...and it was his best day!

*That night he started having sharp pains in his stomach

*He was in a lot of pain for a week until on New Years Eve he basically went into a coma again

*The doctors said he would probably die within 24 hours

*They basically took him off medicines waiting for him to pass

*All of his doctors that were on vacation for the holidays return on January 2nd

*They are shocked at the decisions the interim doctors made...and get him back on medicine and he goes back to ICU and back on life support

*The next day they say his kidneys have failed...and they say they have done everything

*We have an anointing service and take him off life support

*The doctors expect him to pass very quickly

*My mom took the night shift...and he makes it through the night

*The next morning they transfer him to a private room so he can pass peacefully

*My mom leaves to shower and get some sleep

*While I am there, he wakes up and says he is hungry...at this point he's been without food for 5 days

*He wasn't supposed to wake up...the nurse freaks out...and the doctors rush in

*They start him back on medicines, and he is lucid

*He had a couple of good days...but the doctors are afraid to put the feeding tube back in...so they wait

*The morning of January 8th they were going to put the feeding tube in when he has excruciating stomach pain

*By noon he is sedated...transferred to ICU and intubated...again

*He has been without food for 9 days

*After many tests they discovered that a portion of his intestines have ruptured and he is too weak to have surgery

*We take him off life support for the final time, and he passed away at 7:15pm

In the midst of it all, I feel like I am going crazy. I just can't handle it emotionally. I tell my mom that I need to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. A couple of days later, I realize I am very late starting my period. Christmas morning Steve and I take a pregnancy test...and IT'S POSITIVE!!! The first thing I think is...thank goodness...I'm not crazy...just hormonal! Yes...there is going to be a baby Strouty! The due date is set for August 27th. My dad knew. He was thrilled to be a grandpa. I really thought he was fighting to meet this baby. Life never turns out how you expect. I never expected my kids to NOT KNOW my dad...their grandpa. But there must be some reason for it. Since January 8th I have experienced highs and lows. I have never felt such great loss. I feel like a part of my heart is dead...ripped to shreds. My daddy...the first man I ever loved is gone. I know I will see him again...but that doesn't make it any better now. On February 1st, I saw the baby moving all around. It's little arms and legs doing water ballet. I've never felt anything like this in my life. It's very overwhelming and mesmerizing. A new piece of my heart is born. The Lord giveth...and the Lord taketh away. And through it all...I have learned to trust Him...really trust Him...for the first time in my life.

SAD

2006-08-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a LONG time...too long. I haven't written for mainly 2 reasons. 1. I've been so busy at work...it's not even funny. The last thing I want to do when I get home is get back on the computer. 2. I'm sad. I don't like to write sad and depressing things all the time...but I think that's about what it would be lately.

My dad hasn't been feeling well. Since he's been in Nashville he's gone to the doctor 3 times. He's been here less than 2 months. And he's in the midst of a bunch of tests...with no results...yet.

Yesterday I watched a dear friend bury her mother. I can't even describe how sad that made me to watch my friend grieve. But she did it with beauty and grace. I couldn't have been as strong as her. It breaks my heart that her mom won't be around to meet her children one day.

Steve's family has had drama. My brother-in-law seperated from his wife of 13 or so years. They have 3 children...ages 12, 11 & 7. I don't understand it. It makes me so sad for the children, and for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. On top of that, my brother-in-law has had 3 seizures in the past 2 weeks.

Then yesterday, my 12 year old nephew had a seizure. It's the first he has ever had. Worse than that, his 7 year old sister witnessed the whole thing. The two of them were at the babysitters. The babysitter called 911 and had to stay with my 7 year old niece...so my 12 year old nephew had to go in the ambulance alone, while his mom, dad and grandma waited for him to arrive at the hospital.

I just feel like there's this cloud hanging over my head. I'm just sad. Sad to the core. I hate being sad. And it makes me scared. I want to find out what's wrong with my dad. I don't want to lose him. Not yet. And I'm trying to trust in God, I just wish he would take this fear away.

On 2 brighter notes...I got a new pack of my favorite ultra fine colored sharpies. 29 different colors...bliss! At least I am finding joy in the small things! And Steve knows how stressed out I am...so he surprised me by booking a log cabin in Gatlinburg for Labor Day Weekend. He is way too good to me. I don't know what I did to deserve him!

I'm really going to try and write more. I miss my blogging friends. And I feel like a bad friend because I haven't kept up with everyone. I'm going to try and get caught up on everyone. I miss you all!

THEY'RE HERE!!!!!!

2006-06-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's true...my parents have made the big move from California to Nashvegas. Actually Franklin, but who's counting. I can't believe it! It's so weird to know that as I am writing this, my mom is unpacking about 5 miles away. After everything we went through with my dad when he had cancer, this is just an answer to prayer. We have all realized how important family is...and how wonderful it is to have them close by. Today I feel so filled...and truly blessed! Welcome to Tennessee Steve & Evelia!! :)

Farewell Katie

2006-05-31T07:27:00.000-07:00

(Zabs...you may want to not read this!)

Today was Katie Couric's last day on the Today show. It may be a day that passes by and no one even notices. But for me, today is a day of great sadness. I am being very selfish in saying I wish Katie wouldn't leave. And while I'm excited for her new adventure, and am proud to know that she is the first solo evening anchorwoman EVER, I am very sad to not wake up with her every morning. As cheesy as it may sound...Katie was my morning coffee. She was the constant...and has been for the better part of the last 10 years of my life. It was in college that I decided to pursue my education in Broadcast News. A lot of that was in part to Katie. I would tell everyone that I wanted to be the next Katie Couric...when in all reality...I just wanted to be her friend. And that is what I love about her. She has a way of jumping out of the screen and making you feel like she's talking to you, the way a girlfriend would. It is truly a gift.

When I joined my sorority (Tri Delta), in our new member portion, I learned that Katie too was a Tri Delta. I felt even a bigger connection with her then. To me, Katie embodies everything that a morning news anchor should be. Compassionate, informative, caring, bold, encouraging, transparent, among other things. Do I even have to say "perky"??!?! She inspired feeling within me. I have laughed so many times with her, but above all, she has moved me. I have felt empowered by her, and felt like I could make a difference because of a story she has shed light on.

You know how everyone always asks you, if you could ever meet one person in this world, who would it be. Without hesitation, I always answer that question with Katie Couric. She is at the top of the list. And she will continue to hold that spot.

Needless to say, I am wearing all black today in honor of Katie. I will forever miss you in the morning. Gosh...I might actually need to start drinking coffee in the mornings now. Good Luck Katie...I wish you the best. And hey, maybe you will actually inspire me to want to watch the evening news. I know you will break the mold to everything I have known of evening news, because there is no mold that could contain you.

Destination: Liverpool

2006-05-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

One of the places that Steve was the most excited to go to on our trip was Liverpool. I have to admit...I was hesitant to give up one of my free days in London to take a day trip to Liverpool...the home of the Beatles. But, I did it gladly. What I didn't know, was how great the day was going to be. Steve and I had a 4-hour private guided tour around to all the Beatles sites. We listened to Beatles music, and we visited homes, schools, clubs, etc. all were vital points of interest in Beatles history. We went to Penny Lane and Elanor Rigby's grave and The Cavern, a pub where the Beatles played hundreds of shows. We also went to Strawberry fields. I was probably most excited about this particular highlight. Strawberry Fields Forever is one of my favorite Beatles songs.

I guess I always figured it was a big field where strawberries grow that was a park area. But Strawberry Fields is actually a house where Orphans went with fields around it. I did see Strawberry plants all around, so that is probably where it got it's name. When John Lennon wrote the song, his home was through the fields and down the hill. So he would wander around Strawberry Fields even though he was trespassing on the property of the Orphanage.

This is a picture of the two of us standing in front of the house where John Lennon grew up. It is actually owned by the government and is a museum today. It was outside this house that John's mom was run over by a car. This is the kind of info that was so amazing to learn on this tour.

I am a Beatles fan. I've always liked their music. When I met Steve we watched the Beatles Anthology together. That's 8 DVDs of Beatles history. It was really cool. I became a bigger fan then. But The Beatles really came alive this trip. To learn new stories...and to see these places in person...is indescribable! I'm SO GLAD we decided to go to Liverpool!

Destination: Amalfi Coast & Capri

2006-05-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Whew...it has been a crazy month! We got back from our trip, and I went straight into a new building with a new team of people around me, and it has just been CRAZY!! My next few posts will highlight destinations on our big trip to Europe. This first one is about the Amalfi Coast & the island of Capri...and it goes out to Andrea the Great! Girl...I wish you could have been there!

First of all, we drove from Pompeii to Sorrento. The drive was amazing along these mountainous roads overlooking the Italian Coastline. Our tour director Earl told us all about the beautiful city of SOO-RRREN-TOW...in his best Italian accent. Earl is from New Zealand, so he puts extra accents on everything to sound more European. Most the time it worked...but we laughed because we knew how hard he was trying to sound "local". We stopped at an overlook and took this picture.

We spent two nights in Sorrento. We arrived Easter afternoon. That night we went into Sorrento and thought it would be dead. But it was bustling with activity. I love so much about Italy and the Italian people. They are very passionate, very loud, and everywhere you go, you are sure to see the "teenage mafia" as I call them. Basically they are young italian punks who wear jean jackets with the collars staight up and have some form of a mullet. But they totally make the vibe.

The day after Easter we spent the day on the island of Capri. Or as Earl called it KA-PRREEE. I have to say, there were 2 disappointments on our trip. The first was our day on Capri...it rained...ALL DAY! I was pretty bummed, but wasn't going to let it ruin my time. When we got there, we pretty much went off on our own to explore the island. We went up the Funicolare (cable car) to the top of the island. After a 15 minute walk we somehow found this amazing view.

One of the things I was most excited to do on this trip was to visit the blue grottos in Capri. We held off for most of the day because the rain and drizzle. But as the afternoon was approaching, we decided to go because we didn't want to miss out. So we took a 15 minute motor boat ride to the grottos...while it was raining. Then you get out and basically get into these tiny row boats that hold 4 people. The opening to the grottos is VERY small, that is why the transfer to the row boats. I thought for sure it wasn't going to be that amazing because the sun wasn't out...so surely the water wouldn't be THAT blue. This photo doesn't do it justice...but this is a glimpse of what it looked like in there.

All in all...Capri was great. I was bummed because I REALLY REALLY wanted to make it to Positano and check out the town. But because of the rain, I didn't want to put the effort into find the right bus that got to that part of the coast before the sun set. I decided to save my first experience of Positano for a sunny day. But Andrea...it was amazing. I am in NO WAY an eloquent writer. I wish I could express what is in my heart in words...but I have just never been good at that. You need to get there...immediately. We decided that next time we go to Europe that we will just do Italy and stay along the coast for longer. It was magical!

It's just all too much...

2006-03-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

There’s just TOO MUCH going on in life these days. Obviously my blog has been severely neglected. Some things I just can’t post about. And others I just don’t have time too. This is what’s going on:

*GMA starts on Friday night

*Our company was bought, so we have to move again

*I leave for Europe 1 week from today…HALLELUJAH!!!!

*The day after we get back, I start back at work, in a different building, with a different team

Because of the acquisition…my GMA is 10 times more hectic. I’m not quite sure when I’m going to pack. Thinking about leaving for Europe is very overwhelming. I’m NOT COMPLAINING at all…I will take the overwhelming feeling any day of the week…but A LOT has to be done when you are going to be out of the country for 19 days. Throw GMA between now and then and I’m thinking that this timing wasn’t so smart on our part. OH WELL!!!!

I’m really scared that I’m going to have really bad reverse culture shock when I get back. When I lived in Italy in ’99, I cried for 1 week straight when I got back because I didn’t want to be here. I feel like at the moment…I have more reason not to want to be here, than I did back in ’99. I have already warned Steve that he is going to have to physically force me to get on that plane in Paris to come back.

On a more positive note, I get to meet Andrea the Great on MONDAY!!!! And I also get to see Zabs and Meredith!!! JOY!!!! (Not the person…the feeling, although meeting Joy would be AMAZING!) It can’t come soon enough. Lulu my dear, you will be missed, but I know you will be there in spirit! We will definitely be thinking of you!

I don’t know if I will have a chance to post again before the craziness, but if not, the next blog entry will have a ton of pictures and stories from my trip!

Must Haves

2006-03-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

The Enchanting Lulu posted her 5 must haves and has tagged me. Here goes!

Top 5 "Must Haves" for the moment

In my fridge:
1. Yogurt
2. Milk
3. Water
4. Apples
5. Carrot Chips

In my closet:
1. Jeans
2. White Slides
3. Fun Tank Tops
4. Running Sneakers
5. My Favorite Fleece PJ Pants

In my purse:
1. Lip Gloss
2. Cell Phone
3. Hair Rubberband
4. Orbit Gum
5. Granola Bar

In my car:
1. CDs
2. Umbrella
3. Sunglasses
4. Bank Deposit Slips
5. Pen

On my TiVo (if you dont have it make believe...)
1. The OC
2. LOST
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Grey’s Anatomy
5. CSI: NY

What are your must haves?
Sarai
Nicole
Karina

My 4-Legged Frustrations

2006-03-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

Please allow me to vent just a bit. This may be lengthy…and might not make sense because I am ANGRY!!! Okay…most of you know…I run 6 days a week. Preferably outside. The past month or so I have braved the cold…and the last couple of weeks have been nice at 7am. My runs are a stress relief for me…a time to enjoy my surroundings and just enjoy life (as cheesy as it sounds). Most of you that know me well…know I’m not a fan of big dogs. Mainly because it drives me crazy that they try to sniff the private region, and are tall enough to do so. I have to do this weird dance to get them to STAY AWAY. But I’m not scared of dogs…it just weirds me out that they do that, and makes me rather uncomfortable. But today…dogs just aren’t my friend!!! This morning on my run I was about half way done…and saw a loose dog wandering around ahead of me. And HE WAS BIG! Now I really can’t stand stray dogs. You never know if they are nice or mean or what. Not to mention…I am always running…so it makes them scared or whatever and they usually just follow you. With small dogs I usually just stop and can get them to go away…or I can just outrun them because they have small legs. But with bigger dogs…it doesn’t work. The faster I run…the more they want to follow me…and they can DEFINITELY keep up. But this dog looked mean. So I thought I would turn around and do a longer run…thinking when I get back to this spot in 9 minutes hopefully he will be gone. Well…he wasn’t. I had already lengthened my run, so I slowed way down…tried not to make any noise…then when I was parallel to where he was…I gunned it…for about a half a mile. Mind you…it’s 38 degrees and my lungs start to burn because of all that cold air. I keep looking back and he is running…right…towards me. I can’t stop sprinting…so I basically kill myself…make it home in 1 piece…and thank God he never got close to me and didn’t harm me. Now…if this was the only time it happened it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But since I have lived in my house…which is now a year and 3 months…this has probably happened 20 times. I think that averages about once every three weeks. Now let me say…previous to this…in the past 8 or so years…I have probably only encountered 4 or 5 dogs. Can you start to see my frustration?!?!?! It’s my dang neighborhood and the surrounding neighborhoods that I run in. Last week…I saw a wolf/coyote off in a distance…and about 2 minutes later the same dog I saw today. BIG…BLONDE…MUTT…that looks like he’s a cross between a bulldog and a Labrador. That day…I had to change my course COMPLETELY and run on the main road that has no shoulder so I had to run on the all-terrain next to the whizzing cars. My knees did not appreciate that! Now…the wolf/coyote is a different beast…but all these dogs running around…WHY THE FREAK AREN’T THEY IN SOMEONE’S BACK YARD…or TIED UP TO A TREE?!?!?! It drives me batty that people just let their DANG dogs run around free. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR….this really makes me mad.

I will end it with a story. It’s not a happy story. When I still lived in California I encountered a very interesting situation. I was running a rather regular course, and saw about 6 people standing in a yard with a golden retriever next to them. I saw the golden retriever wasn’t on a leash, but I figured since he was with his family he would be fine. So I continued to run. I ran by them…waved at the family and kept going. About 10 seconds later…the golden retriever must have thought my calf looked like a juicy chicken drumstick because he BIT…MY…CALF. IN SHOCK AND PAIN…I stopped running turned around to a LAUGHING family. Wait…what just happened?!?!? Let’s recap. First of all…a GOLDEN RETRIEVER…the nicest of nice dogs bites my calf. Then the family is LAUGHING?!?!?! They don’t run to me…to see if I’m okay…they don’t scold the dog…just laugh. The dog is just standing there staring at me. (And no he didn’t bite hard enough that it broke skin…thank goodness.) So I did what any upset person would do. I kicked him as HARD AS I COULD…he yelped…I turned around…and ran away. The family stopped laughing.

I’m sorry all of you dog lovers out there…but obviously this is a touchy subject with me. And PLEASE…I BEG OF YOU…don’t let your dogs roam outside…poor innocent runners like me have to deal with it…and honestly…it’s JUST NOT FAIR. Okay…done ranting.

Randumb Ramblings 3.10.06

2006-03-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

*I haven’t written in awhile…it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I don’t really want to go into it.

*I was very sad that Gideon went home last night on American Idol. I personally think Kevin should have gone home…Gideon can out-sing him ANY day of the week. I think that Gideon didn’t get as many votes because he went first.

*Wellness Fact: Research shows that for every hour spent exercising aerobically, you can add 2 hours to your life!

*I had a very random dream. This one is for my girl Hula Seventy. She rocks the Photobooth Fridays. This dream just HAD to have come to fruition because of Photobooth Fridays. Well…this past weekend…I had a dream that I was in line for a photobooth. I was waiting for awhile and was thinking about all the poses I could do. Then it was finally my turn! I got into the photobooth, and I had money…but not the right kind of money. I had dollars, a couple of quarters, and a bunch of other change. Well, this photobooth took quarters only…4 of them that had to be put in at the same time. I only had 2! So I was looking all around the photobooth for some quarters for what had to have been a half an hour (and why no one complained that I was taking so long is beyond me). Finally I exited the photobooth (on the other side from where the line was) and ran away in embarrassment and anger. And that was it. Random…I KNOW!!!

*Snack of the week: Yoplait Light Yogurt with pretzel sticks broken up mixed in. It’s only 3 points…and adds a whole new texture to your yogurt! I was getting to the place where I was kind of tired of yogurt, but this has totally changed everything!

*This week we have heard new music from our brand new band Fireflight. It is SOOO GOOD!!!! Whenever they post new music on myspace…I will have to link it. It’s chick-fronted rock…and it definitely ROCKS!

*Are there any OC fans out there? **Spoiler…if you didn’t watch The OC last night…don’t read the rest of this bullet point!** I don’t know about you…but I couldn’t believe that Ryan and Marissa broke up the way that they did. For all that they have been thru…they just seemed to give up too easily. I didn’t get it! Surely this isn’t the end. It would have had to have been BIG…and DRAMATIC if it were for good…RIGHT?!?!?!?!

*Random AJ Fact: Before my husband Steve…I never had a “Boyfriend”. I dated guys…but never anything so serious that I would have introduced them as my boyfriend. I consider myself lucky! And heck…I ended up with the man that was perfect for me! Now I can see it as a win-win situation. When I was 21 and never had a boyfriend…I used to be mad or sad or whatever. But God ultimately knew what was best for me! And I can honestly say I have never shed a tear over a dumb boy!

*It feels like spring today. Sunny…gorgeous…70 degrees…no humidity…it feels like California…it’s PERFECT! I needed the sun today. Yesterday I was reminded how much I despise Thunderstorms!

*I love the Oscars! So this past Sunday night was fun…even though I hadn’t seen more than half the movies that were nominated. I just love everything about the Oscars. One day I hope to go. Anyways, I really liked the movie Crash…and I cheered LOUDLY when they won movie of the year. It makes me sad that everyone else is all up in arms that Brokeback didn’t win. It’s one thing if they were upset that Brokeback didn’t win…but how all these people questioned the integrity of the Oscars because Crash won. LAME!!!! Sore Losers.

*Tomorrow I am going to a Spa Party hosted by my sweet friend Karina. I have never been to a spa party…but I’m SO READY to be pampered…BRING…IT…ON!!!! Have a great weekend!

{Not} ABANDONED

2006-02-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

Guilt is beginning to flow through my veins as I begin to write this. Do you ever feel abandoned by God? I know ultimately He would never abandon us, but right now that is how I feel. I have been crying out to Him for years…and I must need hearing aids because I surely can’t hear Him…or feel Him. And with each thought I write…it’s like I’m hooked up to an IV and the nurse is injecting another dose of guilt that is rapidly spreading throughout my body. I don’t like to talk this way about my marvelous King…but it’s just the way I feel. And let’s be honest…He knows my every thought…so He already knows this. And right now I’m smack dab in the middle of pain and not understanding why circumstances in my life are the way that they are. And maybe this is God’s way of just showing me. I know it’s always when I’m in the valley times that I grow and learn life’s lessons. And I’m sure a year from now, I will look back at this and laugh at how silly I was to falter in my faith in Him. I like to be in control…and when that control is taken away (let’s be honest) I…FREAK…OUT!!! I know I have issues with handing over every ounce of me to Him. But God has also given us the ability to make choices. Although I would guess that since God knows our thoughts…and if we may be leaning one way…if He doesn’t want that path for us…He closes that door. It’s funny…because although I feel abandoned…I also KNOW in every cell of my body that He will comfort me, and take care of me, and hold my hand through this season. But today…I am at that place where I don’t feel Him. I feel alone…abandoned…with no direction…and I want to be in His will. It just seems like in times past when I am at a crossroads or in a valley I have this peace about which way to go…or what to do. And I am just so confused this time…with not an inkling of what to do. And I just want to see Him. I long to be in His presence…and see Him speak to me, so that I KNOW that I’m making the right decision. So I just wait…and hurt…and live life for one more day in hopes that tomorrow I will have that inkling of what to do to be in His will.

FOUR...Finally!

2006-02-20T15:13:00.000-08:00

Okay...I must be the last person to do this meme...but I couldn't let it pass. I believe Cool Meredith tagged me on this one. Here goes!

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Waitress – DiCicco’s Italian Restaurant as well as Red Robin. Both were fun in their own ways. DiCicco’s was fine dining…and I loved everyone I worked with, and knew most of the people coming in. Red Robin was fast paced and fun.
2. Water Aerobics Instructor – I have always been a water baby. Whether it was waterpolo, swimming or diving. When I went to college, I taught Water Aerobics for a couple of semesters. The classes were open to the Malibu community as well as students. I taught A LOT of rich women whose husbands were in the Entertainment Industry. They sometimes brought me exotic gifts!
3. Intern – Black Dog Films. I worked under the very talented Vicky Mayer. She was great! It was a very cool internship, and I got to experience a lot in the world of music videos. The only bad part was the 2 and a half hour commute (thanks LA traffic!).
4. Flicker Radio Chick – The best job in the world! I am very fortunate to work at such a cool place with AMAZING artists. I have found so much passion here.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
3. Steel Magnolias
4. The Notebook – I want to be friends with Rachael McAdams!

Four places I’ve lived:
1. Pomeroy, Wa – I lived there for the first three years of my life. My dad still has family there.
2. Sanger, CA – I will always think of Sanger as home. I lived there from before I started Kindergarten until I went away to college.
3. Malibu, CA – I was truly living a DREAM! It is more gorgeous than you can imagine!
4. Florence, Italy – I studied there for a semester in college. It changed my life…it changed me…to the core. A piece of my heart will always reside there. I WILL LIVE THERE AGAIN!!! Even if it is for a couple of years after I retire. It’s just MAGICAL!

Four TV shows I love:
1. Grey’s Anatomy (oh my gosh…did anyone watch last night?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!)
2. The OC – LOVE IT!
3. Lost – The most thought provoking show I have ever watched.
4. The Today Show. It makes me happy. What can I say…Katie Couric is like my morning coffee. She gets my day going.

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. The French Riviera – Good Friends…the Cannes Film Festival…the beach…it was AMAZING!
2. Cancun, Mexico – The most perfect honeymoon. Great food…the beach…the Spanish Language…not to mention my oh so handsome husband!
3. Surfer’s Paradise, Gold Coast, Australia – We were able to chill out during our busy waterpolo schedule. I went with some kick butt women waterpolo players…and we had a blast! The waves were INTENSE, the sand was perfect and the sun couldn’t have been better.
4. Lisbon, Portugal – The coastline just west of Lisbon was amazing! I didn’t expect to find a treasure of a coastline there…but the sand was super thin and white…the water was an amazing teal blue, and it was surrounded by amazing mountains.

Do you see a theme…I love vacationing anywhere where the beach is! I really want to experience Fiji/Tahiti, and the beaches in South Africa at Port Elizabeth which my friends have said is INCREDIBLE.

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Cookies with Frosting on them
2. My dad’s homemade Ice Cream
3. Homemade Tortillas
4. Grilled Chicken

Four albums I can't live without:
1. “With Abandon” - Chasing Furies
2. “Finally Woken” - Jem
3. “Afterglow” – Sarah McLachlan
4. “J to the L-O: The Remixes” – Jennifer Lopez

This question is so not fair to any music lover or someone in the industry. I can’t imagine life without at least 20 more albums.

Four sites I visit almost daily:
1. My friends blogs!
2. Ebay
3. Yahoo
4. Realtor.com – I love looking at houses…and I always like to dream of owning several in many different places.

Four places I would rather be now:
1. In Steve’s arms
2. At the beach – somewhere HOT with Steve
3. Italy
4. At a day spa getting a massage, manicure, pedicure, facial…etc! I’ve never spent the day at a spa…but it sounds pretty good right now!

Four items in my purse
1. My Ipod
2. Cell Phone
3. Lip
4. Keys

Photobooth Friday

2006-02-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Brilliant Andrea...I decided to join in today on Photobooth Friday. The top picture is the SCARIEST picture of me EVER!!! I am joined by the Glamorous JoAnna, and she looks quite scared to be in the photobooth with me! Both of our expressions CRACK ME UP! She always said I look like her scary boyfriend...I tend to agree. I also think I look a bit like an ALIEN! YIKES! Okay people...the reason I look so scary is because I was deep in thought of what I could do for a hilarious pose...and that dang machine was TOO QUICK...and caught my deep in thought pose...that translated to looking like a member of the Manson family!

The second one is just crazy fun! These pictures were taken in a black & white photobooth at a movie theatre in LA before we watched Matrix 3, about 5 days before my wedding. (Which would be November 2003) I can't think of anyone else that would have a CRAZY photo shoot with me, than my sweet friend JoAnna! We are masters at taking the world's worst pictures...and LAUGHING FOR HOURS about it! Digital Cameras are brilliant because you can see the instant results. But Jo...I think we might have to hit a photobooth SOON for more HILARIOUS FUN!

You're My Boy Blue!!!

2006-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

I never knew I would love someone so much I couldn’t describe it in words. It amazes me how God knows us so well, that he knows what we need in a partner. I thought I knew what I wanted…but God knew what I needed…it was all in Steve. I didn’t believe in all of that “You complete me” mumbo jumbo…before I met Steve. Now I buy stock in it. Actually I don’t think I was ever fully complete without him. Don’t get me wrong…I am still my own person…but I don’t come alive when I am without him. He compliments me in so many ways and I’m so blessed to have him…FOREVER. I know that today more than ever. Valentine's Day is a good reminder to me of how lucky I am. Especially since I have my doubts with trusting people…I know I could trust Steve with my life. He is ALWAYS looking out for my best interest, and shows me in the most simple yet intimate ways how much he loves me. He will probably kill me for posting this picture…but I can’t help it…I LOVE IT!! It is the CUTEST picture. He looks like a big kid…with the most endearing puppy dog brown eyes that make me melt. I am truly blessed...and SO IN LOVE!!!

Randumb Ramblings 2.10.06

2006-02-10T14:07:00.001-08:00

*Ever since I have moved into our 1st house, I am always a little uncomfortable when Steve is gone. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep. In our apartment I never thought about it because there were so many people around…and surely the person above me would have heard if I screamed bloody murder. This week I decided to close our bedroom door and lock it. I think it worked because I haven’t had a problem falling asleep.

*I know for a FACT that I’ve cried more this week than the last 6 years combined.

*Wellness Tip: Living a sedentary lifestyle (not active) does as much damage to your body as smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day! That’s something to think about!

*Tonight it is supposed to snow 2-4 inches. I LOVE THE SNOW. BUT. I’m not made to live in the snow. What can I say…I’m from California, and I am the driver they are talking about that doesn’t know what the heck to do! I love to watch the snow fall outside my window…I love to go skiing…I love to go sledding and get into massive snow ball fights…but I hate driving in it! I’m all about visiting the snow…but not living in it. Especially living in a town that is ill-prepared for it. This weekend should be an adventure for sure!

*Steve gets back tomorrow after being gone since Monday morning. I can’t wait for his return. COME HOME BABY!

*I heart the Olympics! I must admit…that I prefer the Summer Olympics over the Winter Olympics…but none-the-less…I am very excited for tonight’s Opening Ceremonies! When I was a kid, I wanted to go to the Olympics someday. I still haven’t given up on that dream…but I better decide what sport I will go in soon…because I’m not getting any younger.

*Random AJ Fact: With the exception of 1 Sanger High School Dance, I always asked my date. If I wouldn’t have done the asking…I would NEVER have gone to any dances because no one asked me out. Everyone said they were intimidated by me. WHATEVER. The one time I did get asked…it was my senior year Winter Formal. I was Student Body President, and I must admit…I…WENT…WITH…A…FRESHMAN! But…I figured…he had the guts to ask…so I was going to say yes. And yes…I had to drive because he was 14! But…it wasn’t all that bad. All the freshman girls hated me because the most popular freshman football player was the one who did the asking. Gosh…it was such a status thing back then. So funny! But man…I felt like I was robbing the cradle!

*I found out AGAIN this week that I have trust issues. One of my friends broke my trust. It hurt. And there was a good explanation, and all is fine now, but it was like a step backwards. I am freaked out to share things with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m living a life full of secrets.

*Snack of the week: Apples with either Fat-Free Caramel Dip or Peanut Butter. The points are different for the caramel dip, as opposed to the peanut butter. I don’t know the points for sure…so I’m just not going to include them. But it is a good for you snack as long as you don’t LOAD UP on the caramel or peanut butter. YUMMY!

*I did 2 things for the first time ever this week. 1 – I cried in the shower. 2 – I gave a big hug to Steve’s clothes in our closet. They both happened within 10 minutes of each other.

Randumb Ramblings 1.27.06

2006-01-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

*I’ve never minded moving. It usually means on to brighter things. But this is the first time I have had to move with work. I am finding out why some people don’t like to move. Although…we are moving from an office building to a house…it could be a really cool environment. It will be an adjustment though…I have had my own office for almost 4 years…and I will now be in a room with 2 other people. The good news is one of those people is GLAM JO! We could get into some trouble!

*Snack of the week: No Sugar Added Blue Bell Ice Cream. IT IS SO GOOD!!! And depending on which kind you get…it is 2-3 points per ½ cup. The real deal is more like 5-6 points per ½ cup.

*In 10 weeks I will be in EUROPE!!! I can’t wait. I am so like a kid counting down to Christmas. This will be Steve’s first trip to Europe, and I am looking forward to saying hello to the piece of my heart that resides in Florence. Just for a moment, I will feel complete! Some of the highlights of the trip will include, London, The Rhine Valley in Germany, Lake Lucerne in Switzerland, Florence, Rome, Venice, The Amalfi Coast, The French Riviera and Paris!!!

*Random AJ Fact: I like long “F” words. Like Fabulous, Facetious, Finicky, Façade, Feasible, Fascination, Ferocious, Fashionista, Fiasco, etc. I just like the way they sound in my head when I say them. And I appreciate when other people use long F words…my instant reaction is I raise my eyebrows and just say “ahhhh”. It’s silly…I know!

*After much resistance…I finally have a myspace page. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! I’m really not into it. But my boss wanted me to subscribe to all of our bands blogs…so alas…I am on myspace. I can’t believe I had to give in to “The Man”!!!!

*Wellness Tip: It is better to have an unhealthy diet and exercise regularly, than a well balanced diet and a sedentary lifestyle. That’s how good exercising is for you!!! Obviously…it is best to have a well balanced diet and exercise regularly.

*I found it ironic this morning on the news…the weatherman said…”it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful weekend…but maybe a little soggy”. Then he talked about how it was going to rain both Saturday and Sunday?!?!?!? In my mind…most Meteorologists say that it would be a nasty weekend…or an indoor weekend…but not say BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND with that influction in his voice if it was going to rain all weekend. I guess I am bummed because he got my hopes up for a split second!

*I watched Skeleton Key recently. It was CREEPY!!!! Up until I watched that movie…I always thought it would be cool to live in an old plantation house. NOT ANYMORE. I feel like stuff like that really exists if you mess with it. I don’t know…it kind of freaked me out. Did anyone else see it…and what did you think?

*Speaking of Movies…Steve and I are suckers for Sports Movies. We currently have been cutting back on going out to the movies because we are trying to save money for Europe. However, we HAD to go watch Glory Road. We had been looking forward to it for awhile. It was SO GOOD. Man it sparked things in me. It deals with race back in the 60’s and how that affected college basketball in particular. It makes me happy to know how far we have come in 40 years…and it makes me really sad how people were discriminated against back in the day. Just AWFUL. But I would highly recommend the movie!

*So we have this new band “Until June”, and they are SO AWESOME!!!! It is working with bands like this that makes me LOVE MY JOB!!! I can’t wait to release a radio single for them. You can check them out Here and Here. The music on these sites are just demos. We have some of the new music...and man...it is SO GOOD!

Double Mint Twins

2006-01-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

In our almost 5 years that we have worked together...and all of the same band T-Shirts that we have...Glam Jo and I have never come to work as twins. It happened today. So...we did what any normal hot music industry executives would do...we had a photo shoot!

WE HEART KIDS IN THE WAY! Check them out HERE or HERE.

Not in the mood...

2006-01-23T15:24:00.000-08:00

I just haven't felt like writing anything lately. Hopefully the words and desire will come back soon!

Bliss like a girl on Prom Day!

2006-01-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. Normally (being the grandma that I am) we are in bed around 10:30. Last night we watched a basketball game so we didn’t get into bed until 11:45. I watched TV until midnight and decided I needed to turn the TV off even though I wasn’t yet tired. I tossed and turned…and must have finally dozed off a little after 1am. A far cry from 10:30pm when the alarm goes off at 6:15.

Today, all day I have had butterflies in my stomach. The same kind of butterflies you get on an exciting day. The day of Prom, a sorority formal, a big date, your wedding day, etc. I’m having a hard time concentrating…I am generally just excited. It’s gorgeous outside…sunny…beautiful…the perfect day. (Well perfect day when it’s 66 degrees in January when you know it should only be 39 degrees.) All my excitement leads to tonight.

Who knew that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep last night…or that I would be anxious all day long…when my best friend is coming into town!!!! No it isn’t the prom…but it might as well be in my book! Mary(Big B)Beth…or My Sweet B as I call her is coming to visit! That’s MaryBeth…1 word…no space…uppercase B!

Anyone who meets or knows MaryBeth will never forget her. She has such a sweet spirit that just brings everyone joy. She is funny and has a laugh you could only wish was your own. It is contagious…and cute…and everyone takes notice when she laughs. I’m sure strangers look at her when they hear her laugh…and wish they could know her. They wish they could be sitting next to her…tossing their heads back in laughter. She has the kindest soul, and makes you feel so welcome. She’s the type of person that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world. She is everything that is good and wonderful in this world. And I will see her in less than 3 hours….OH BLISS!!!

I met MaryBeth at a sorority party the first week of school my sophomore year of college. We both pledged Tri Delta. While we were pledging it seemed like everyone else knew someone in the pledge class. But I didn’t…and MaryBeth didn’t. So we gravitated toward each other. And I now realize I am the luckiest girl in the world to have bonded with her during that time. Little did I know that she would come to mean so much to me. She was so ENCHANTING…and I wanted to spend every minute with her. And we practically did. We have wonderful memories from the sorority and outside the sorority. We had a great group of friends…but no one else was like my B. We lived together our senior year of college. It was the best year of my life! We had dance parties…many adventures (who knew an adventure was to be had at the convenient store on the corner)…some days we would even run away together. I miss running away with her. Sometimes we would literally go out the front door and just run. (Side note: don’t try to run away when you are both wearing flip flops…ouch!) We had no clue where we were going…or how far we would go…we would just RUN AWAY. Sometimes we would run away in her Grey truck Lou. Good ol’ Lou! Again…we had no clue where Lou was going to take us. We would just need to get away! Some probably think this is very silly…but we loved it!

MaryBeth is one person that just puts a smile on my face thinking about her. I feel like a part of my heart is dormant because I don’t have her in my every day life. What I wouldn’t give to have her around every day! But I am not complaining…I am just truly blessed to know her. It has been more than a year (UNACCEPTABLE) since I have seen her. That will never happen again. I have been in dire need of a MaryBeth fill for a long time. She will be here until Tuesday (unless I can talk her into staying longer), and I can’t help but feel like a kid on Christmas morning! So here’s to a bright spot in my life…MaryBeth…and to a weekend of finding adventures, reminiscing, and who knows…maybe even running away! I LOVE YOU B!!

5 Guilty Pleasures

2006-01-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Sweet Meredith to do this meme. Here goes!

The Rules: Write a blog about 5 Guilty Pleasures. In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names.

1. Pop Culture: I love everything Pop Culture. Whether it’s Magazines (US Weekly, In Touch, People, etc.), TV Shows (Entertainment Tonight, Insider, the MTV in-depth celebrity shows, Cribs, etc.) or online websites (Pink Is the New Blog) I love reading about celebrities. What are they wearing? Who are they dating? Are they hiding a bump? What is their latest diet? I eat that stuff up…and I know I shouldn’t. They are regular people. But I can’t get enough!

2. Rump Shakin’ Booty Music!!! In the words of Kanye West in his song “Addiction” - ‘Why does everything that’s supposed to be bad…make me feel so good?’ This is how I feel with Booty Music! In the mainstream…pretty much every hip hop song is talking about something bad. But the way I feel about it is…if it has a dope beat…I don’t care what the heck it’s saying. I know that’s so wrong…but I can’t pass up a hot beat! I love that feeling you get inside that just makes you jump out of your seat and DANCE like no one else is around!!!!

3. Mark Mulder= HOT HOT HOT!!! I have a very safe crush on him! I just can’t help but be attracted to a guy that is an amazing pitcher and not to mention gorgeous. Baseball is my very favorite sport in the world…so to have that and a great looking guy! Man I can’t wait for baseball season to start!

4. Too much TV! Especially shows like Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, The Bachelor, etc. that are controversial or involve other people’s relationships!

5. Unhealthy doses of Ice Cream! BRING IT ON! Especially if it’s my dad’s homemade or Blue Bell Ice Cream. I’m in…and I don’t mean for a scoop or two…give me a big huge bowl!!!

I’m tagging Karina, Joy, Nicole, Glam Jo and Andrea.

Not Alone

2006-01-03T15:23:00.000-08:00

So I have been going thru this soul searching time while I am trying to make over my soul. Yesterday on my way to work…I found myself confused about life (an every day occurrence)…and I’m trying to figure out me. Figure out what will make me happy. What will cleanse my soul. All I could think about was Jesus. And HOW BAD I wanted to see Him and hug Him and talk to Him and have Him talk back to me. It was such a real feeling. Usually I am satisfied with knowing He is there and that He is ALWAYS listening to me and my heart. But yesterday I wanted Him to be seated next to me during my car ride. I wanted to interact with Him…and look at Him…and I wanted Him to tell me what I feel like I NEED to hear. Because He is the only person that truly knows me…Lord knows I can’t figure myself out. He doesn’t have to waste time getting to know me. There is no one else that knows me the way He does. And even though I was frustrated that I can’t physically see Him…it also warmed my heart having that feeling of longing for Him that I desire a lot of the time. It was true and pure. It made me feel like it was a step in the right direction. A lot of times I just want to talk to Steve or MaryBeth or my Dad or whoever…but this time the only person I wanted to talk to was Jesus. No one else will do. I guess I will just need to listen and trust that I will hear Him.

Makeover

2006-01-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am in dire need of a makeover. Not the kind you are thinking. Not the kind where you get your hair cut and colored, fun make-up and a new outfit and say “Ta-Da”! Even though that would be fun, and I wouldn’t turn it down. But I want a different kind of make over. The kind that makes over your soul. The problem is…I don’t really know what I need to do for that kind of makeover. Alone time out in the middle of no where with some paper and a handful of my colored sharpie’s sounds good. Or a couple of hours in a gymnastics gymnasium sounds good too. I think I need a change in life. A change in my routine. The problem is I like my routine. I don’t really want to change it…but then I will just continue where I am. I feel like I’m in a rut and just going through the motions. And I want to grow and change and live life more fully. Breathe in fresh air and twirl in the middle of a field of flowers. (Did I just write that OUT LOUD!) My mind wanders that way almost every day…then I snap back to reality. I just want to have some joy and fun in my life. And I do…I’m not complaining…I have a great life…I just need a change. But what’s stopping me from doing something new?!?! I don’t mean quit my job and move to a different country or anything like that. (Even though I like that option and would do it in a heartbeat…it’s just not realistic.) It could be as simple as joining a dance class…or volunteering somewhere…or setting aside 4 hours every Saturday for alone time. But that just takes time. Time that will take me away from my FABULOUS husband that I wish I could spend MORE time with. Dang work! But maybe that’s what needs to happen. I need to be happy with me so that I can make my husband happy. My New Year’s Resolution is to focus on the Positive. I used to be this way. But that girl has slowly gone away over the years. But I know she’s in there…and I want her back. So I need to do something for me…that edifies me…that makes me happy. I just hope it works. You guys have any ideas??

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

2005-12-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I know it's 2 days early, but I am about to board a plane to Maine in a couple of hours to visit Steve's family. I don't know that I will be able to blog from up there. Anyways, this is a picture of the Christmas card that I made this year. I was pretty proud of it! It's not as crafty as anything Joy does...but it was fun to make.

I hope everyone has a blessed time with family and friends this Christ filled season. Enjoy each moment as they pass ever so quickly. Eat lots and be MERRY!

The Great Depression...

2005-12-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

As the New Year approaches…I really want to cleanse my soul. It seems like my New Year’s Resolutions in the past have always been physical…like lose weight…or tone up…or whatever. But this year I want to change my core…my inside…in hopes to find a better person…a person that I like. I have been realizing more and more that there are some things in my life that I need to let go of in order to move on. There are several things I need to let go of. But one in particular that I just don’t allow myself to let go of. It’s almost like a crutch…or something I can hide behind…or something that I can blame my crazy on. And maybe I still won’t fully, but if I put it out there, maybe it’s a step in the right direction. I’ve sat through many sermons on “Forgiveness” that I honestly and truthfully sat intently listening hoping that maybe this will be IT…the thing that breaks thru and allows me to let go. And some have helped…but none have accomplished the task at hand.

My freshman year of college was supposed to be the best time of my life. I was so excited for this new adventure! I had always been Miss Independent and I was ready to go away to school. And in Malibu…a dream come true! Never did I anticipate what would happen at New Student Orientation. The second night of Orientation we all met with our RA’s and SA’s in our dorms. There was a woman from the Abuse & Rape Shelter in Santa Monica. I didn’t think anything of it. She was talking about how us girls needed to look out for ourselves while walking home at night…and stuff like that. I was probably rolling my eyes because my mom made sure I attended every self-defense class that was offered in a 30 mile radius from the house that I grew up in. I knew I could defend myself…and kick some butt. Then the woman said a statistic (I can’t remember what it is) about the percentage of girls/women that have been sexually abused by friends, family and people they know. I remember being astounded. Then…a floodgate burst open in my brain…and images flashed through my mind that I had hidden under lock and key 12 years earlier. I don’t remember anything else that she said. I must have sat staring at the carpet, which turned into a movie screen as my brain projected these images that I indeed suppressed and hoped never would have come back. I’m sure my eyes were twitching side to side as my mind scanned my brain for every memory from the ages of 3-6 that I could dig up. And then it hit…DEPRESSION. I became a completely different person. Dead…numb…a walking zombie.

When I was young…2 of my mom’s brothers lived with us for awhile. Since they were adults, my parents would leave my brother and I with them on occasion. Several of these “occasions” they would drink beer. The younger of the 2 brothers drank more. I remember him (I still can’t bring myself to say his name) taking me to his bedroom and asking me to take my clothes off and he kissed me. My earliest recollection of this was when I was 3 years old. I don’t really remember anything beyond him touching and kissing me…but part of me thinks God isn’t allowing me to remember anything else to protect me. He gave me so many mixed messages that royally screwed me up. There was the positive side…where he told me how beautiful I was. But there was the negative side…where he told me that NO ONE else would love me...and not to trust anyone else…only him…and definitely NEVER EVER tell anyone “our little secret”. So I didn’t. I remember he would tell me to tell my mom that I loved hanging out with him. He would make me say it in front of him…and I just felt like vomiting. I wanted to cry out to my mom to NEVER leave me alone with him…but I couldn’t. He was always around. To this day…I still am mad at myself for not saying anything. But then I have to remember…I was 3 years old…and being manipulated…surely I couldn’t have known better. This continued on and off the next 3 years of my life. Luckily he moved into an apartment part of that time so I didn’t see him as much.

Then came the day of freedom…one of the best days of my life. I was 6. I remember the phone call. My mom answered…she started crying. I ran to her and wondered what was going on. She said that her brother was killed. I remember running to my room and jumping up and down on my bed in ultimate glee! This was it…I was free from him FOREVER. He could not hurt me any longer. I do feel bad about the way he died. He was at a bar and was crossing the street to go to his car. Some car hit him going 60 miles per hour and drug him 100 yards. The car took off…and left him to die. My mom was so devastated. But I honestly think God was protecting me in this situation, and the reason for his death was so that I could have my life back. And I shut that door of my brain and locked it far away to never be opened again. What I didn’t anticipate was a random woman from a Rape and Abuse shelter finding the key which I thought I hid so well.

What happened next was the hardest time of my life. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on with me. So I just told my mom I was homesick…which wasn’t true. She made me an appointment at the campus counseling center. This is where I met Carolyn! Praise God for Carolyn! Even though I had to take a test where they indeed found out that I was depressed…and the psychiatrist wanted to put me on anti-depressants…I decided not to…to see if I could just handle it on my own with Carolyn’s help. The first month I saw her 5 days a week…then 3…then 1. My sophomore year on I just went every other week or once a month just because she became a special person to me. It probably took 2 weeks for me to finally tell her what was wrong. She loved me every step of the way and helped me through it. I have never cried so much in my life. It was a dark 5 months…I contemplated suicide. I just wanted it all to go away. I thought it would be so easy to drive off the cliff in Malibu Canyon. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to my family. But I didn’t want to be sad and unaffected by things. Some days I thought I was so far in the tunnel that I just couldn’t see the light at the end. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to be alone in the dark...but then I remembered I was alone...and I was so hopeless! It took a good year…but with Carolyn’s help…I finally felt like I was finding me again. She encouraged me to tell my parents. I really didn’t want to. Then it donned on me…what if he did the same to my brother???!?? So when I got home for summer break…I worked up the nerve to tell him and ask him if anything ever happened to him. He said no…THANKFULLY…and said I better tell mom and dad or he would. I was not happy about this. As of that moment…my mom had happy memories of her brother. He is DEAD. Why should I tell her and make her memories bad. I put myself in her shoes…if it was my brother…I would want to keep the happy memories. But Henry insisted I tell them…and he held my hand as I did so. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I was crying…my mom was bawling…she blamed herself. That’s exactly what I DIDN’T want to happen. But what happened next still hurts me. I told them at night. They were already in bed. The next morning not a word was mentioned about it. To this day 8 and a half years later…no one has mentioned it to me. No one has asked me if I am okay…no one has said that they wanted to help me through this. I was left alone…and hurt. Part of me thinks I need to release this hurt toward my family as well. I just don’t have it in me to bring it up…when I so desperately want to let it go. I know that my family loves me…and I know they just never knew what to say. My sophomore year of college I randomly came across the song “Taboo” by Mancy A’lan Kane. These are the lyrics:

Footsteps louder down the hall
I see his shadow on my wall
Hide beneath the sheets with my Raggedy Ann
Smell of Gin, The touch of his hand

Too Young to Remember
Too Old to Forget

Smile for the camera in my Easter Dress
Church on Sunday but I never confess
Keep it all locked up in a secret place
I run to whenever he comes my way

Too Young to Remember
Too Old to Forget

The lights are on in my dollhouse tonight
Maybe in the morning it will be alright

Too Young to Remember
Too Old to Forget

This song hit home. Do you ever have that feeling that a particular song you hear…should have been written by you. I felt that way with this song. Surely she wrote it about me! Of course not. It helped me realize I was not alone. This happens OFTEN which is just appalling. I listened to this song today…and it just made me sad. It made me sad for the little girl that I was. Not knowing any better. Who was so alone and scared. And SO YOUNG. Too young to have to deal with this.

I think I was 2 in this picture…but close enough. (And no that's not a wig...that's ALL MY HAIR!!!) I can’t imagine how anyone could do that to a child so young. Then the anger rises…not for me…but for all the other children that are going through this as I am writing.

I really don’t know why I can’t forgive him. I’m sure he didn’t do it to hurt me…he was just messed up…and intoxicated. And maybe I can’t forgive him because I can’t talk to him. There was never really any closure other than his death…but that doesn’t make all of my questions go away. I know it is because of him that I have trust issues. I know it is because of him that I never had a boyfriend. Poor Steve…he was so patient…and I tried over and over to push him away. I’m so thankful he pushed me back and challenged me. And I have healed…I just haven’t forgiven. I want to…but I don’t really know how. I’m across the country from his grave. I never visited it. Whenever my mom would go visit it, I would go to my friend’s grave which is only 50 feet away or so. I’ve prayed during those sermon’s about forgiveness. I’ve read every verse there is about forgiveness. Maybe I need to have a ritual of some kind. Like maybe I need to write a letter to him then burn it. Or maybe I need to drop a white lily into the lake. Or maybe I just need to not be stubborn and try (it would be a stretch) to remember any good memories. The hurt part of me thinks that doesn’t exist…and won’t allow myself to scan my brain for that in fear of finding something bad. Or maybe I need to volunteer at an organization that helps children that have been sexually abused. That would be really hard...but I'm sure very rewarding...I just haven't been able to take the first step. But hopefully through prayer…and the desire to move on…it will just happen. If time is what needs to happen…it will happen. All I can do is try.

Randumb Ramblings 12.16.05

2005-12-16T15:20:00.000-08:00

Randumb Ramblings is BACK! Last Friday I was at an R&R Summit...so I skipped a week. Without further ado...on to the randumbness!

*I went to St. Louis on Wednesday and saw U2. It was amazing! Although…I’m not a huge fan of the general admission thing. My legs were so tired from standing the whole time…and it was hard to see over some people. But it was a great experience none the less! And…I was able to hit the FABULOUS H&M while I was there. Merry Christmas to me!!!

*Christmas parties are so fun! I love the opportunity to dress up. Not that I REALLY dress up…but just fun makeup, earrings (which I NEVER wear…Steve even commented today…I don’t think I have ever seen you wear earrings 2 days in a row…yes people I’m even shocking myself!), and a nice pant outfit. Not to mention everyone is so nice around the holidays…it’s just BLISS!!!

*1 week from today I will be boarding a plane for Bangor, Maine in hopes of a White Christmas. I had been saying my 1st White Christmas…but then I remember some White Christmases when I was really young up in Washington. I’m hoping to engage in some snow activities with my nephews and niece!!

*Snack of the Week: Cheryl & Company cookies!!!!! These are my favorite kind of their cookies. Radio U always sends us Cheryl & Company cookies…and they are SO GOOD. Especially the ones with frosting on top. Okay so I don’t know how many Weight Watchers points they are…probably NOT GOOD…but it’s CHRISTMAS!!!!!! We all have to live a little…right?!?! :)

*I have no clue what my favorite Christmas song is??? My friend James makes a holiday playlist every year for his son, and I was listening to one the other day, and it has Louis Armstrong reading “Twas the night before Christmas”. I LOVE listening to Louis. His voice is so deep and raspy and rich. My favorite part is when he says that Santa’s Belly is like a bowlful of Jelly…then Louis laughs. It’s such a genuine laugh…and it makes me laugh every time! I don’t know why, but I could listen to him read the story over and over again!

*Random AJ Fact: The only person I have ever felt Rage towards is my older brother. (You know…older brothers just know how to get under your skin.) Being that I was younger and smaller…I had to think of creative ways to inflict pain on him. For example…when I was 5 years old I bit him in the leg SO HARD that my 2 front teeth came out and were stuck IN…HIS…LEG. Now that’s RAGE!!!

*Tonight one of my clients is taking a bunch of people to the Clay Aiken Christmas Special at the Gaylord Entertainment Center. Shhhh…don’t tell anyone…but I’m really excited to go!!! I was a fan of Clay when he was on American Idol…and come on…it’s CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! Being in the Music Industry…everyone’s typically too cool for school. So people that are going are like too cool for Clay Aiken. I don’t really care if everyone thinks I’m the Queen of the UNCOOL…I think it’s going to be such a fun evening!

*I made Christmas cards this year for the first time. They are not nearly as fun and crafty as Joy’s…or the rest of you that are SUPER creative. But I was pretty proud of them. Maybe I will take a picture and post it if I get the nerve.

*Confession…speaking of posting pictures…several weeks ago I gave myself the goal of figuring out our new digital camera and putting the pictures on the computer…so that others could view them…or that I could post some…instead of them just resting inside that little camera. Well…I STILL haven’t done it. THIS WEEKEND…maybe?!?!?! Maybe by putting the ‘maybe’ in there…won’t make me feel bad if I don’t get it done…therefore not stressing me out about it…then I might actually do it. One of these days…it…WILL…HAPPEN!!!

*I have notices that I have been saying “Shock-a-lock” when I get upset or frustrated. NO clue where it came from. I kind of wish it would go away…because it isn’t cool in any way shape or form. Just another bullet point for me to put on the “Reasons why AJ isn’t cool” List.

The Dumbest thing I ever did...

2005-12-05T15:34:00.000-08:00

I was always in good shape growing up. Starting at age 3, it was either Gymnastics, Dance, Waterpolo, Basketball, Soccer, Volleyball, Track, Swimming or Softball. Not to mention a couple of stints in Powder-puff Football. All of this activity allowed me to eat whatever I wanted…whenever I wanted…and how much I wanted. My mom was a home economics major and always had healthy well balanced meals for us. Then I went away to college…continued to eat as much as I did in High School…but wasn’t working out NEARLY as much as I used to. 3 hour sports practices 5 days a week went down to 1 hour dance classes twice a week. So I gained the freshman 15…and sophomore 20. I found myself at a place I had never been. Unhappy about my weight…and wanting to be thin. Pepperdine was an amazing school. But it is in the Heart of Malibu, California…the center of perfection…where everyone looks like a Barbie. These amazingly beautiful women were lusted after on my campus by the hottest guys in the school. I was never given a second glance. I thought I was going to find the man of my dreams in college…and I didn’t ever have a REAL date. Sure I took guys to parties and formals and sorority functions…but they were all just friends. I needed to do something drastic if I was ever going to get noticed. My junior year I tried to be anorexic. I would eat 10 baby carrots and 5 saltine crackers…and that would be my food for the day. I think I made it to about 30 days. I lost weight…but my body went into starvation mode…and you wouldn’t have been able to tell exactly how much I had lost. Then that summer I studied in Florence, Italy, and in our villa we had an Italian chef who made 3-course meals 3 times a day. I wasn’t going to pass that up! I knew I would never have another time in my life eating authentic Italian food. So…I again gained weight.

Then my senior year in college I found the ephedra filled “Metabolife”. This was the biggest mistake of my life!!! I did lose about 10 pounds the first couple of months. I think all in all I probably bought 5 bottles of Metabolife. It made me feel like CRAP. My heart would race, and I would be shaky and jittery, but I didn’t really care. Then I stopped because I just couldn’t take my heart beating so fast. Even when I stopped taking it…I would notice my heart beating weird every now and then. About 2 years later…it woke me up in the middle of the night…and it wouldn’t stop. It’s like it would beat normally for 5 seconds…then skip a beat. Every time it skipped a beat it made me either cough…or take a deep breath. It freaked me out and I didn’t know what to do. I think I worked myself up more just getting anxious that it made it worse. I was finally able to calm down, but knew I needed to go see a doctor…as it was happening more regularly. I was scared…and I stopped working out for fear that something might happen while my heart rate was elevated. After wearing a heart monitor around for a month…the doctor told me that I have a PVC. It’s premature ventricle contractions. My heart beats at a different speed than the valve below my heart pumps. So in order for it to get caught up my heart will skip a beat to catch up to the valve. But I found out that working out is actually a very good thing for my PVC…and as long as I don’t go more than 2 days without working out…I usually never notice any signs of it. The doctor also said it isn’t uncommon to women my age…but there isn’t any medication that treats it. The medication they were using…proved to be fatal. I did talk to my doctor about the Metabolife…and he said there is a good chance that that is what caused my PVC. I couldn’t believe it. Taking a dumb pill to try and lose weight probably caused this. Ever since I have sworn to not take any pill or substance to try and help lose weight. And I am proud to say that when I finally ended up losing my weight…I did it the right way…the old fashioned way…just through diet and exercise. I do love to exercise, but this is just another reason that motivates me.

So this takes me to today. I was lazy this weekend (and it was FREEZING) and I didn’t work out Saturday and Sunday. (I can’t really remember the last time I didn’t work out 2 days in a row.) This morning my heart was bothering me. First thing I got on the treadmill and ran my 2 miles. I felt better…but something was just off kilter. My heart wasn’t settled. It kind of freaks me out…but whenever this happens I just remember Dr. McKechnie telling me that getting anxious just makes it worse…and to stay calm. Luckily it only really bothered me for an hour or so. But it just really terrifies me when this happens. The only thing I can think about is what am I going to do when I am pregnant??? I will run as long as I can…but after that I will just have to get creative to get my heart rate up. But I hear you are so exhausted when you are pregnant…and what if I just can’t work out every day because I’m too sick or tired. I guess there’s no sense in worrying about that now. But it’s something I think about. And it just infuriates me EVERY TIME I see “weight-loss drugs” advertised on TV. I just scream at the TV and tell these people… “Don’t DO IT”. I know weight loss is a big topic in the US these days…but seriously people…if I can convince you of ANYTHING…please don’t take drugs to help make you lose weight. Believe me…you don’t want to end up with a heart problem because of it!

Randumb Ramblings 12.02.05

2005-12-02T15:31:00.000-08:00

*Thanksgiving was awesome! My favorite part was making Grandma’s Homemade Turkey Noodles the next day using the leftover turkey! Homemade Noodles are the BEST!

*We were a part of the CRAZY people that went out in the thick of Black Friday. We left the house at 4:30am and were done by 7am. My parents came with us and we had a great time. We went to this fun restaurant Puckett’s in downtown Franklin afterwards. I had whole wheat pancakes and they were SO GOOD!!!

*Random Fact: When I was 15 I was selected to be on the California Women’s Waterpolo All-Star Team, and we went to Australia for 2 weeks and played a bunch of states teams…and the National Team. They kicked out butt! But…the cool thing was we played the National Team in the brand new Sydney Olympic Complex that was built for the 2000 Olympics.

*I have a very regimented routine to get ready for bed. Rarely do I stray from this routine…and sometimes when I do…I usually forget to do something. Usually the routine looks like this: Change into PJ’s (if I haven’t already), Floss, Brush, Wash Face, Take out Contacts, Apply Facial Moisturizer, Apply Lip. It’s all simple stuff…but must be in that order.

*Snack of the Week: No Pudge Strawberry Shortcake Ice Cream Bars. They are SOOOO GOOD!!!! And they are only 1 point!

*My office is painted lavender. I don’t really know why I chose this color. It’s not a favorite color of mine…but it has served me well. I knew I needed something semi-serene since a lot of my phone calls are VERY frustrating.

*I have 2 birthmarks. The first one is a very faint dime sized mark on back of my left leg right above my ankle. You have to look pretty hard to see it. My other is more of a beauty mark on the upper left side of my chest. I’m rather fond of that one.

*My house is SO NOT decorated…the walls are bare…there are 2 rooms with NO furniture…and we moved in about a year ago! This is the way I see it…if I don’t have the money to decorate it the way I want…I’m not going to decorate it at all. At least the painting is done. We have been so focused on paying things off…we have just put off decorating. It is probably going to be a couple more years until we can focus on the house. When my parents were here…I took them to the models in Westhaven to get ideas for decorating. I CAN NOT GO TO WESTHAVEN. It’s ultimate ENVY…and just not good for me. I start dreaming of a life that I think would be GREAT…but I don’t think I would really want. Then we went back to my home and I realized how BARE it was. Oh well…at least we have a house…RIGHT!?!?!?!?

*LISTS…LISTS…LISTS!!!!! I love lists! A list for whom to sent Christmas Cards to…a list for our week’s grocery shopping…a list for Christmas gifts…a list of ideas for the Christmas cards I am going to make…a list of what needs to get accomplished at work that day. My lists have to be on fun paper…and colorful. With my favorite Ultra Fine Point Sharpie’s of course! Sometimes Steve thinks I’m crazy…but without my lists…my life feels even more in disarray than it already is…and that’s never a good day.

*The Christmas Parties begin!!! Tonight I am going to my friend Elizabeth’s Christmas party. The rule is…you have to have an ornament to enter. I think this is a super idea. It would be fun to see the different ornaments your friends give you. And every single ornament would have a memory with it. It should be fun…but I don’t know that I have ever been to a Christmas party as early as December 2nd!!! Happy Friday!

Happier Times

2005-11-29T10:32:00.000-08:00

I was so saddened by the news that Nick & Jessica have indeed called it quits. I stayed optimistic throughout all of the media hoopla. I chose not to believe it. Back in the day when Britney Spears & Christina Aguilera came out...I was a fan of the underdog Jessica Simpson. I had read about her background in the church and was just rooting for her. No one really seemed to notice her in the midst of Britney and Christina. But I did. I always thought she was the most stunning of the three. Anyways, I was excited when her Newlywed fame came along just because I had been a fan, and wanted to see her succeed. Randomly, Steve and I ran into Nick & Jess at the airport in LA 2 days before our wedding (Did you like how I made it sounds like we are friends!?!?!?). Anyways, I thought it was rather ironic that 2 days before our wedding we run into America's favorite Newlyweds. So...I did what I said I would never do...I went up to Jessica and asked if we could take a picture with them. She was SO NICE. Asked where we were from...asked about our wedding...seemed excited when she told Nick we were getting married. They were very nice and wished us all the best in our upcoming marriage. Maybe I should have wished them the same. They just seemed like the most fun couple. I know they have done things that I don't necessarily approve of, and most of it I hope if just rumors, but I hope somewhere in there Jessica will remember her roots. I truly hope it wasn't her dad that was the cause of the failed marriage. Anyways...I have just been sad for them. I hope they both will find happiness again, and hopefully next time their relationships won't be so publicized (Although I would still want to know everything about it).

What I'm Thankful For

2005-11-23T08:58:00.000-08:00

*My family – even though it is kind of small…I cherish who God has chosen to be my family. My parent’s have been so supportive and encouraging my whole life. They make me feel like the most loved person in this universe! The cool thing is…I haven’t met a lot of my blood relatives...YET! I hope to one day…and learn that I have even more amazing people that I am related to.

*My husband – What can I say other than he was made to live this life with me. 2 years and going…and I don’t want to spend a second apart from him.

*My friends – even though I don’t feel like I am a good friend to them sometimes…I have a group of people that I know would be there at the drop of the hat if I asked.

*My legs – it sounds odd…I KNOW…but without my legs I couldn’t run. Without running, I wouldn’t have an outlet for stress. Without an outlet for stress…I would be more WACK than I already am.

*My health - something I take for granted EVERY DAY…but something I also work hard towards.

*My country – for the freedom that comes with it. I can’t imagine living somewhere where I couldn’t openly practice my faith/opinions/etc.

*Ice Cream – it just makes me happy.

*My job – I have met AMAZING people because of my job.

*The ocean – I don’t see it NEARLY enough…but I can’t imagine life without the ocean.

*My home – it is still weird to think that we own a home…but it’s just a place of rest and comfort.

*The holidays – for a time to cherish with family and friends. There’s nothing better than taking time out to eat good food, relax and enjoy time together.

What are you thankful for? HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!!

Replaceable

2005-11-22T15:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever felt like you are replaceable?? Whether it is as a friend, sister/brother, daughter/son, client, cousin, employee, etc. Lately, I have felt like I am replaceable. I guess it’s not the most fun place to be. And technically, I know I’m replaceable. I know if I quit today, someone would come in and fill my shoes. Or if I moved across the country, my close friends would find new friends. Not that our friendships would be over…but we wouldn’t have that time with each other as often. Or maybe they would be over. But in one situation in my life…it just makes me sad to think that if I weren’t in the picture…it might be welcomed. And it hurts. Nothing has been said directly…but indirectly. And maybe not intentional…but things that have been said have truly hurt my feelings. And I feel like if I say something…to try and mend what may or may not be broken…it will end effective IMMEDIATELY. And because of that slim possibility (I realize I may be making the situation bigger in my head), I say nothing…and continue to hurt and wonder. But I can’t really take it anymore. In this situation I don’t want to be replaced. I don’t want the relationship to end. But I don’t want to wonder any longer. Days pass, and I sit and wait for the right moment. Many have passed me by I’m sure. And who knows if and or when I will ever say anything. In the meantime…I think about the situation and wonder how it will carry on without me in the picture. Most of the time I think no one will notice I’m not around. Other times I think parties will be thrown and high five’s will be passed. Then I have to stop my mind wandering and think…SURELY NOT! I have a clue of who will “fill my shoes”…and it just makes me hurt worse. And then I have to ask myself…am I making all of this up in my head. And THEN I think I must have serious issues if I have to ask myself that question.

Randumb Ramblings 11.18.05

2005-11-18T13:54:00.000-08:00

*Until this week…I have never spent time in a closet because of a Tornado. It was pretty scary…especially since I was home alone. As soon as I got home I turned on the TV (upstairs of course…because it would be too convenient to have one downstairs where you are supposed to take shelter!) and the weathergirl immediately said…rotation spotted in Thompsons Station…if you are in Thompsons Station…TAKE COVER! How about that! I did what any NORMAL person would do…I turned off the TV…grabbed a pillow…ran downstairs…grabbed my wedding photo album…lit some candles…kept the lighter in hand and sat at the bottom of the coat closet…under the coats. I am SO SO SO grateful for the Glamorous Jo…who called me and stayed on the phone with me during this ordeal. She is a LIFE SAVER!!! I might still be sitting in the closet if it weren’t for her!

*Snack of the week – Gen Soy Soy Crisps in the Deep Sea Salted Flavor. They are kind of like mini-rice cakes and you can eat 17 crisps for less than 2 points. Or probably around 20 for 2 points.

*I have this weird addiction (I guess that's what you could call it). I have to use Sharpie Ultra Fine Point pens in Rainbow colors. Whether it’s at work (especially at work), home or in my purse…that is my pen of choice. Whenever I don’t use one of those pens…I ALWAYS think about how I wish I had one at that moment. The only time it is okay to not use one is when I am writing checks because it won’t go thru to the duplicate copy.

*Steve and I have always talked about going to New York City between Thanksgiving and Christmas. That way we could see Rockafeller Center and do some Christmas shopping in the city when it's winter. Steve has to go to New York for work in a couple of weeks. We kind of threw around the idea of going up the weekend before and hanging out. Is it crazy that I can get a roundtrip airplane ticket for WAY less than 1 night’s hotel?!?!?!? The cheapest I found for a hotel was $391!!! And that was on hotwire where you don’t even know what hotel it is until you buy it. UNBELIEVABLE!!!! I guess we won’t be going up for the weekend this year.

*I love my black velvet purse that I got at H&M last time I was in Boston. It is big…fits lots of stuff…and is glam. The only problem is…everything gets lost in it. Especially my cell phone. The worst is when you are in a restaurant and your phone rings…and I start digging…RING…and I can’t find it…RING…I still can’t find it…RING…where the heck is it…RING…and I finally find it…just in time for EVERYONE around me to be glaring in my direction. Maybe I just need to put my phone on vibrate!!

*My parents are coming on Monday night for Thanksgiving!!! YAY!!! Not that I didn’t get excited about seeing my family at holidays…but ever since we found out that my dad has cancer…every visit with them is so PRECIOUS!!!! Hopefully my dad will still live many more years…and hopefully I will always REALLY look forward to each moment I spend with them.

*The holiday traffic is here in Cool Springs. Usually it starts the week before Thanksgiving and goes through the first week of January. It really drives me crazy…and you have to plan accordingly at lunchtime…if you don’t want to be late. Normally…it’s just a tad irritating…but today…I was mad! Not at the traffic. But thinking of holiday traffic once this big Nissan Corporation is going to move into town. It takes 20 minutes to go down about 2 miles of Mallory Lane…how much worse will that be when you throw another 2,000 – 3,000 people in the mix. Oh well…I guess I don’t have to worry about it this year.

*I get so sad when I think about the nature of our society. I like to hold the door open for people whether it’s entering or exiting the mall…a restaurant…or wherever. But it makes me really sad…when I go out of my way to open a door…and smile at whomever is walking thru…and they don’t acknowledge me or say thank you. What happened?!?!? And I live in the south! Not New York City!!! Oh well…all I can do is to continue opening that door and smiling…and maybe it will make a difference to some of the people.

*What is your favorite Thanksgiving food??? Mine is stuffing. I especially like the stuffing that is cooked inside the turkey. Now…I don’t know if I would really be able to tell the difference if you put the two stuffings (in turkey or not in turkey) in front of me…but man…stuffing sure seems to taste better on Thanksgiving when it’s cooked inside the turkey.

*Some of my radio stations have already flipped to all Christmas music. YES…the week before Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong…I’m ALL ABOUT the Christmas music. But isn’t before Thanksgiving a little soon?!?!? I don’t want to be tired of Christmas music…before Christmas. And I’m not really in the Christmas mood…before Thanksgiving is over. But bring it on the day after Thanksgiving!

Link Problems!

2005-11-16T16:37:00.000-08:00

Link problem fixed! Hopefully I caught it before too many people read my meme. Just for any other inexperienced people out there with links...you must enter http:// before entering your link. You can't just start with www. That was new to me!

My Meme!

2005-11-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

Meredith tagged me for this meme! I am so excited because I love these things…and I can’t wait to link it up!

two names you go by:
1. AJ – Most everyone calls me that. For those that don’t know…AJ is short for Angela Joyce. I was Angela in California before I moved to Nashville…so everyone back home calls me Angela. Some people call me Age…which is short for AJ. I like that people feel comfortable enough with me that they call me Age.
2. Ang – All of my closest friends from back home, and family call me this. Ang will always hold a warm fuzzy spot in my heart. It is my favorite nickname. Sometimes I try to get Steve to call me Ang (because no one in Nashville does) but he can’t grasp that since he has always known me as AJ.

two parts of your heritage:
1. Mestizo – a mix of Spanish and American Indian. This comes from my mom being from El Salvador. And it obviously is my dominant heritage.
2. Welsh – That’s where my freckles come in. (Thanks dad!) My maiden name Keatts is Welsh. Well it is Keats in the Wales…but apparently my ancestors changed it to Keatts when they came to the United States. And yes…back in my geneology somewhere the great Poet Keats is in there.

two things that scare you:
1. Tornados/Thunderstorms. I definitely found this out LAST NIGHT!!! YIKES! I haven’t hung out in a closet since I was a kid…and I was doing it for fun. This was not fun.
2. Alligators. Don’t know why…they FREAK ME OUT!!!

two of your everyday essentials:
1. Bonnie Bell Liquid Lip Smacker in Cotton Candy.
2. My contacts…I couldn’t see without them…and I can’t stand the thought of wearing glasses.

two things that you are wearing right now:
1. My super comfortable Ugg boots.
2. My favorite pink A-Pocket Seven Jeans.

two of your favorite bands or musical artists (all time):
1. Chasing Furies
2. Jem

two favorite songs (at the moment):
1. "Into Dust" - Mazzy Star
2. "I'm Amazed" - Jem

two things you want in a relationship (other than real love): I hate that I only get to name 2!
1. Patience
2. Touch/Hugs

two truths:
1. No one can take my faith away.
2. You can take a horse to water...but you can't make it drink.

two physical traits in the opposite sex that appeal to you:
1. Steve’s puppy dog brown eyes.
2. Steve’s untra soft hands!

two of your favorite hobbies:
1. Running/Working out
2. Traveling

two things you want really badly:
1. For my dad to be miraculously cured from Cancer.
2. To be close (in location) to my brother.

two places you want to go on vacation: Another one where I want to answer more than 2!!
1. Italy
2. and HERE!

two things you want to do before you die:
1. Do This
2. Watch my grandchildren grow up!

two ways you are stereotypically a dude/chick:
1. I cannot survive without lip gloss.
2. I love planning events...because it means invitations/decorations/yummy food & great friends!

two things you are thinking about right now:
1. I am SO GLAD the sun is out. It puts me in an instant good mood!
2. I really miss my friends back home.

two stores you shop at:
1. This Fabulous store!
2. and HERE

two people you would like to do this:
1. I hate this question.
2. Everyone I know who blogs has already done it! And I can't think of anyone.

IT WORKED!!!

2005-11-15T15:48:00.000-08:00

Now you are all in for it! I can't believe how easy it was (once we figured it out). Entries with links galore lie ahead! My first challege will be the MeMe I was tagged for by Meredith. Let's see how long that takes me to do! I think I will try and tackle it tomorrow! Thanks GLAM JO!!!! You're the GREATEST! Soon we will master HTML and be creating WEBSITES!! Maybe not...but you NEVER KNOW!

Fun with Links!

2005-11-15T15:38:00.000-08:00

A Link lesson by Glamorous Jo. This is only a test!!!

Randumb Ramblings 11.11.05

2005-11-11T15:40:00.000-08:00

*The weather has been crazy this week. Tuesday I wore a tanktop and it was 83 degrees. Last night the low was 29…so today I wore a coat and sweater. CRAZY!!! Which…I don’t mind. I think I’d rather have this than constant HEAT or constant COLD.

*I heart the Today show. I want to be friends with Katie Couric. This week they have their annual “Where in the world is Matt Lauer”. Basically…Matt goes somewhere crazy 5 days in a row, and tells us about the culture, food, etc. For example, he went to Easter Island, The Panama Canal, Innsbruck Austria, Shanghai China and finally Dubrovnik Croatia. This is like broadcasting heaven for me. Being a broadcasting major…I always wanted to do the feel good stuff. I love all the consumer reports…travel stories…etc. that they do on the show. Who knows…maybe one day down the road…I will actually use my degree and go back into broadcasting.

*I am so excited to have my favorite Ugg Boots out of the back of the closet and wearing them again. They are the most comfortable shoes I have ever owned…and so toasty warm for the winter!

*Whenever I think about my Sweet MaryBeth and a memory we had together…I am always happy the rest of the day! She just has that effect on people.

*Snack of the week: (Inspired by Glam Jo’s Boo Cups) Fat- free Sugar-free Cheesecake Pudding with broken graham crackers on the bottom and on top of it with a dollop of cool whip! YUM!!! Only like 2-3 points depending on how much crushed graham crackers you put on.

*This week on the OC (yes, I’m a huge fan) you feel so bad for Taylor (one of the antagonists of the show). You see a rare scene with her mother, where her mom goes off on her. Taylor is the new social chair of the ritzy private school. She plans a mandatory Saturday night lock in. In this scene…her mom is dropping stuff off for her at the school. Her mom says something like “Taylor, you are so pathetic that you plan a mandatory lock in because you are so lonely on Saturday nights. None of these kids want to be here. Maybe if you weren’t so high strung and chilled out a bit…people might actually want to hang out with you. And gosh, untuck your shirt…no wonder you don’t have any friends”. I was shocked that any mother would treat her child that way. It is a travesty to talk to your children that way. Not that I am anything close to an expert…but still. It’s just wrong. And up until this point…you are lead to hate Taylor. She appears to be a spoiled rotten brat who always gets her way. It was interesting to catch this rare glimpse. I don’t know why…but it totally bothered me.

*My stereo remote’s batteries are dead. They have been dead for over a week. It’s funny how it’s an inconvenience to have to get up and manually flip songs or push stop or play when you are so used to just pushing a button. No wonder our country is so lazy. I have on purpose not changed the batteries for some odd reason. Not that I think I am getting exercise by not using the remote…or not trying to buck the system. I don’t know how long it will last…but I’m going to try it for awhile.

*Last Saturday I ran 4 miles in 37 minutes! It was quite an accomplishment. I’m actually considering entering a 5K. I don’t know why, but I have this weird feeling that I would come in last place. That would be embarrassing. I guess it wouldn’t be bad if all of these people are psycho runners. I am thinking about a 5K on Thanksgiving Day, but I’m also thinking of doing a charity one…where I know people will be walking. Or maybe I should just do it and if I come in last place…I come in last place. We’ll see.

*Since my parents are coming for Thanksgiving…this weekend will be filled with lots of weeding and straightening. Then next weekend will be reserved for a deep house cleaning. Not the most fun thing in the world…but the house always feels so good after a deep cleanse!

*Being that it was my 2nd Anniversary yesterday, I am just reminded how blessed I am to be spending my life with my best friend. I am so lucky!

2 YEARS!!!

2005-11-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

It has been 2 years since the best day of my life. Since I publicly committed myself to the man of my dreams…for the rest of my life on this earth. I know every girl says that her wedding day is perfect…and mine TRULY was. Ever since I went to school at Pepperdine, I knew exactly where in Malibu I wanted to get married. I was so worried the day before…because in LA…the land of Sunshine…it was rainy…gloomy…and GROSS. But alas…it was sunny and GORGEOUS. And you know what…even if it did rain…it would have still been spectacular!

And more importantly…I married my best friend. The guy that makes me laugh…loves me unconditionally…knows my crazy little (maybe I should say BIG) idiosyncrasies and still loves me. The guy that I fit perfectly in his arms, who brings me comfort, and is the most patient person. The guy that I want to be around every single second of the day. The guy I miss if we are apart for just a couple of hours. The talented Sarah McLachlan says it best in her song ‘Push’, “…all my troubles…all my fears DISSOLVE in your affection.” I couldn’t have said it any better. Actually the whole song resonates with me when it comes to you!

This past year has been incredible. I don’t know when the honeymoon will end. We have been so lucky…or should I say blessed…to have had the journey we have had so far. Thank you for always being a source of encouragement and support while I have had to deal with the other man in my life (My daddy) battle cancer. And we have bought a house! What a learning experience…and you are so wise! During the whole experience, I had a whole new level of respect for you. I admire you so much! It has been fun to make the house transform…to be our home. We managed to take some time out for fun. I was shocked when you surprised me by taking me to Destin for my Birthday! I couldn’t have asked for anything better! Our Chicago trip was a blast! My first U2 experience was everything you said it would be! I think Chicago is a city for us! Hopefully we will get there again soon. Our summer week in Maine/Boston was amazing. I am so blessed to have a new family that I love. And it has been so humbling to know how much your family and friends love me, because of how much they love you. Your mom is the best mother-in-law I could ask for. My love for her grows daily! And I can’t imagine my life not knowing the Libby family! I feel like they are family. Getting to know Sherry has been the biggest surprise in knowing you. I admire her, and look up to her. She is such a rare find in a friend, and I am blessed to have her friendship. Thank you for introducing all of your family and friends to me. And of course…I couldn’t NOT mention the Red Sox! It was so fun to get to go to a game this year in Boston. You have ignited my passion for baseball, and it has been so fun to fall in love with a new team. I didn’t think it was possible.

I can’t wait to see what’s next in store for us. I know it will be a fantastic ride no matter what may come our way. I can’t wait to tell you that I am expecting your child. I can’t wait to see our family expand. I can’t wait to travel some more of the world with you. I can’t wait to grow old with you. Everything, as long as it’s with you…will be FABULOUS! I love you forever!!!

Randumb Ramblings 11.04.05

2005-11-04T14:28:00.000-08:00

*Last Saturday Steve and I went on a camping day trip. My parents are members of this campground, and they have a site about an hour away from our house. So we went there for the day and hiked around the hills of Hohenwald, TN. It was pretty much a ghost town. I guess it’s more of a summertime place. Either way, it was on a lake and was really pretty. We then hiked around the Meriwether Lewis State Park…and kind of got lost. But we were able to back track our way back to the car. We had a fun picnic in the woods and enjoyed the beautiful October day!! Steve has never camped in a tent…isn’t that CRAZY!!?!? Whenever my parents move here…I am going to have to remedy that.

*I can’t stop listening to Imogen Heap’s new CD “Speak for Yourself”. I LOVE LOVE LOVE it! I guess you would classify it as electronic…but it is my favorite kind of music. I’m sure my co-workers are sick of hearing it. Sorry guys! But anyways, I highly recommend it!

*Steve and I bought our very first Ice Chest. We found it on clearance at Target…and it is an ESPN Cooler. Everytime you open the lid, it plays the Sportscenter theme music. I’m such a nerd…but it is SO AWESOME!!!

*I know this is lame…but I got excited when I heard about this new non-surgical nose job. I REALLY don’t like the bridge of my nose…and I swear…the older I get…the bigger it gets. One of these years I will make a great wicked witch. Anyways, I don’t know that I would actually ever get a nose job…but the thought of a non-surgical one…was appealing. Basically it’s this stuff that fills in your nose to look straight instead of crooked. So in all actuality…your nose gets bigger…even though the appearance may be smaller because it’s not as noticeable. Oh well…I knew it was too good to be true!

*Being a woman gives me the right to change my mind on things…but I feel like I change my mind on things ALL THE TIME. I annoy myself! This scares me when it comes to big decisions. Because once you make those…there’s no turning back.

*We watched “Crash” this week. WOW! One of the most emotionally moving movies I have ever seen! Stereotyping/Prejudices/Racist statements make my blood boil! When I first moved to Nashville, I immediately noticed so much of it out here. I never dealt with it out in California. At first when I moved here…it bothered me deeply…but then I had to come to realize some people just don’t know any better. It’s pure IGNORANCE. It doesn’t make it right…but that is what I had to tell myself to sleep at night. This movie just shows that we are ALL flawed…and we ALL deal with this no matter the color of our skin or our social status. It’s DEFINITELY NOT a movie for kids…but man it moved me!

*Snack of the week: Frozen Bananas dipped in a peanutbutter hard shell. I bought the hardshell stuff at the market next to the bananas and they were pretty good. It still doesn’t beat chocolate covered frozen bananas, but it was a good snack that can take the place of ice cream or cookies. They are only 1 point each!

*For as much as I love candles…I rarely burn them. I don’t know why this is. The only thing I can think of is I just simply forget to light them. But they just make any mood better. I am going to challenge myself to light at least 1 candle a night for the next week.

*I am on a vanity quest to have cut abs. Well cut everything. The 10 year reunion gets closer and closer as the days go by…and I want to look HOT! One of my favorite TV Shows is the Biggest Loser. IT is so motivating and inspiring. The trainer Jillian on there…is FABULOUS!!! But I’m sad that the show is going to be over the end of the month. I hope they come out with another one soon…because it provides extra motivation.

*When I was in high school…I told myself that I would do everything I could…to never break plans. It kind of saddens me when people blow other people off at the drop of a hat. I have been blown off by so many people in my life. I can’t tell you all the times I would be dressed up waiting for someone to come pick me up…or call and let me know where they were. And an hour later I would call them…with no answer. Of course this was before the days of everyone having a cell phone…so of course they wouldn’t be home. I experienced DEEP PAIN some of these nights. My poor parents had to witness me waiting by the window with phone in hand FOR HOURS…just knowing something had to have happened and they would be there at any minute to come get me. Most of these blow offs were from guys that I was interested in. So thanks to Kevin, Zach, Jeff, Brooks, Ryan, Matt, Rob, Phil, Eric, etc. (Those are only the ones I came up with off the top of my head) You have made me a better friend for sticking to my decision to not break plans with friends.

It happened...AGAIN...ON A HOLIDAY!!!!

2005-11-03T14:52:00.000-08:00

Okay...you all know HOW MUCH I love the Red Sox. It is more than a hobby...it's a passion. But for me...that's it. I accept the fact that many changes will happen each and every year. As much as I want every player to come back...it inevitably will never be. Let me tell you about my very first Valentine's Day with a boyfriend. I am 25 years old...Steve and I are dating. I had never had a boyfriend before Steve...and I was never "dating" anyone around Valentine's Day. So I was SO EXCITED! Finally it is a day of LOVE! Not that I wore black on the day...I always went out with friends to celebrate what great people I had in my life. Anyways...Steve had made reservations at this fancy restaurant Saffire that I had never been to. I was excited to dress up and go on a special date. This particular year...Valentine's Day was on a Saturday. So I went over to his house early in the day and we just hung out and enjoyed each other's company. THEN IT HAPPENED!!! Alex Rodriguez was traded to the dreaded New York Yankees. We were not happy. Especially because just a week earlier...the Red Sox were THIS CLOSE to signing him. But no...he goes to the EVIL EMPIRE instead. Oh well...such is life...time to move on. Baseball season is still 6 weeks away. But no...next thing I know Steve is in his bedroom...lying on his bed...face down...completely motionless. I give him his space. Well an hour later he is in the same position...SULKING like I have never seen anyone sulk before. Our dinner reservations are a couple of hours away...surely he will perk up and we will have a great evening...right?!? RIGHT?!?!?! Boy was I wrong. He was in complete despair. I decided to cancel the reservations. There's no sense in spending a lot of money and getting all dressed up to have a dreadful evening. The TV was on all evening...all ESPN/ESPN2/ESPN News was talking about was the A-Rod trade. I somehow managed to convince Steve to go to the local Pizza joint to eat. And it was GOOD PIZZA! And it was fine. Obviously I will never forget my first Valentine's Day. The day isn't tainted...but whenever talked about...the A-Rod thing is ever present. Little did Steve know at the time that the next year the Red Sox would make the GREATEST comeback in all of sports history against the EVIL Yankees...and go on to win the World Series...WITHOUT A-ROD!

So this brings us to present day...well a couple of days ago...on Halloween. Steve and I decided to go on a date instead of go home to candy and trick or treaters. (We could not buy candy...because we would eat it...and that would go against our healthy lifestyle that we are trying to establish.) I get off at 6pm...and Steve was going to pick me up. Oh around 4:45pm the Red Sox General Manager Theo Epstein decided not to come back. You wouldn't think this would be a big deal...but in my world...I knew what was going to happen. DOOM!!!! I was never a big fan of Epstein...but Steve thought he HUNG THE MOON. Sure he was the GM when the Red Sox won their first world series in 86 years...but I happen to believe it was the team...not Theo. Steve disagrees. Moments later, sure enough...Steve got to my work...with his head hung low. He was even wearing his Red Sox Jersey for Halloween. He said things like...

"I guess we will NEVER win the World Series again in my lifetime"

"Maybe I should just not be a Red Sox fan anymore"

Right...like he's going to give up his team that he has followed since he was just a little guy...over Theo?!?!?! I knew this was bad. I just said I was sorry. He immediately wanted Chocolate. (I love that I have a husband that wants chocolate when he is depressed!) We ended up going to Las Palmas for dinner...and Steve did his best to mask his pain. But I could see through it. We would be sitting in silence and he would just blurt out "This is REALLY REALLY BAD" or stuff like that. We were in the restaurant for maybe 35 minutes and were home by 7pm. So much for our fun date night! Now...I have bad Red Sox memories on Valentine's Day & Halloween.

If you have seen the movie "Fever Pitch" my husband is one notch short of Jimmy Fallon's character. He doesn't sleep with a Red Sox pillow...and doesn't have season tickets...but takes it just as personally as his character.

So Please John Henry (Red Sox Owner) and Larry Lucchino (Red Sox President)...when making big decisions about the future of the team...please PLEASE don't do them on a holiday. I swear that if Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's & Easter get ruined (all holidays between the end of the season and the beginning of the next)...you both will hear from me PERSONALLY!!!!

Happy Halloween!

2005-10-31T15:12:00.000-08:00

Today I decided to dress up again as the 80s Punk Rocker Chick. I LOVE dressing up...I'll take any excuse to dress up. This year...it came in the form of our intern Chiquita asking me to dress up so she wouldn't be the only one. So...OF COURSE I will dress up!

(Here's a more normal picture of Chiquita and I)

Today at lunch I had to run a bunch of errands. The bank...get gas...and find envelopes. Which meant I had to go to Staples (no luck)...Hallmark (no luck) and finally Office Depot. Which meant 5 places to be totally embarrassed because apparently NO ONE in Franklin dressed up. Some guy at the bank asked if I was in costume. YES!!! I don't normally pay tribute to the 80's on a daily basis!!! At Hallmark...there were A LOT of Franklin women in there...who looked at me like I was a HOOKER!! I wanted to tell them...do you know what your 14 year old Granddaughter wears to the movies to go Chippy Chasing (or whatever that phrase is)?!?!? That is 10 times more scandelous than what I am wearing! At Office Depot...no one wanted to wait on me...for some crazy reason. Finally a manager came over and said he would check me out...but seemed very put off by it. Oh well...all in good fun! Happy Halloween...and eat LOTS AND LOTS of CANDY!!!!!

Randumb Ramblings 10.28.05

2005-10-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

*Ever since the Yankees lost in the ALDS this year…I have had a picture of Alex Rodriguez hanging on my door.

(Photo from www.bostondirtdogs.com)

Being a Red Sox fan…I LOVE this picture…I think it’s HILARIOUS. The best part is his blue lips. Sorry Yankees fans…actually…I’m not sorry…YANKEES SUCK!

*Tomorrow Steve and I are going on a camping day trip. My parents have always belonged to a campground…and they have a site about an hour from our house. So we are going to go check it out…go on a hike…have a picnic…and enjoy October outside! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

*Last Saturday I ran 5 miles in less than 50 minutes. Okay…it was 49 minutes…but it was a huge accomplishment for me. My last two miles felt so good…and they were my quickest miles. I love running!

*For some reason…that I’m NOT complaining about…I have felt complete Joy today. I don’t really know why!?!?! But I have just felt like smiling all day. I feel full of life and just BLESSED!!! It’s like total Joy and certainty…amidst the uncertainty…if that makes ANY sense. Maybe I’m just so tired of being sad and uncertain God has blessed me with this feeling. For whatever reason…I like this feeling and hope it lasts.

*Boo Bunko was a blast! For pictures click http://www.flickr.com/photos/glamorousjo/sets/1216663/ here. (I still need to work on links...JoAnna showed me...but I must have forgotten!) I dressed up as an 80s Punk Rocker! Although, in all the pictures I had attitude…and not 1 normal smiling picture. Oh well…I guess I was in the moment. I just wished for once I could have remembered to be normal during the night as to not always look CRAZY!!!

*My gum of choice is Orbitz Cinnamint. I like the balance of the Cinnamon & Mint. I love the packaging…and I buy it in bulk at Costco! However…lately I’ve noticed that I don’t chew gum for as long as I used to. I used to chew the same piece for hours and hours when I was younger. Now I probably only keep the same piece for 1 hour…tops. I wonder why that is?!?!?

*My parents are coming here for Thanksgiving!! YAY!! Until this week, they figured they would be in California…and we were going to stay here. But now we will be TOGETHER! AND…they are going to look for houses. They still hope to put their house on the market not this weekend but next. We shall see…I surely hope that happens!

*We FINALLY bought tickets to Maine for Christmas! Ugh…it has been a chore. We weren’t finding anything less than $488 into Bangor. For example…last year we paid $305 for tickets. It has been ridiculous. We debated flying into Boston and taking the bus from there. But we found tickets into Portland, Maine which is about 2 hours from Bangor for $320. I’m just glad the tickets are bought…and I don’t have to worry about what we are going to do to get to Bangor anymore!

*Last weekend we took the filter off our pool to get ready for the winter. It was so discouraging to have never gotten the pool off the ground…especially since we spent hundreds of dollars trying. We are trying to decide if we are going to try again next year…or just take the pool out. Who knows!

*I am currently listening to Madonna’s Immaculate Collection. Ahhh…the memories! I LOVE THIS ALBUM!!!! I guess when I decided to be an 80s punk rocker for Halloween…it inspired me to listen to all the songs I loved in the 80s.

THE SNAKE!!!!

2005-10-24T13:23:00.000-07:00

Saturday afternoon Steve was going to mow the lawn while I cleaned the garage. He opened the door to the backyard...and then immediately shut it. I was still in the kitchen getting a garbage bag. He comes in and says...what can I kill a snake with?? "WHAT????!!!!!???????!" I replied calmly. Apparently when he opened the door...a snake was just chillin' outside the door trying to get into the garage. YIKES!! I HATE SNAKES! What is it with me and reptiles??!? Before I got married when I was still living in the Brothel, one night I got home and in my closet was a slimy orange and green salamander that was about a foot long...and FAT. I did what any sane adult would do...ran for my life and jumped on my bed. And now a SNAKE?!?!? Atleast it's not in the house...but STILL!!!! Steve said it was black & yellow. We have a door from our kitchen to the backyard so we went out to access the situation. Sure enough...there was a snake right in front of the garage door...perched up. It had to be a foot and a half long. FREAK OUT!!! So we go back into the garage and figure out what we have. Nothing with a long handle would kill it. I had a wooden pole which I would try and get the snake away from the door...and Steve had a metal hoe thing...but the handle was only about a foot long. So we go out...I hit the back of his body with the pole...he freaked and slithered behind some bushes. Well at least he isn't by the door anymore...but HOW THE HECK am I supposed to weed EVER AGAIN!!?!?!? I wish I could be cool and have a picture of it...but you will just have to imagine how scary it was!!! There were no other snake sightings the rest of the weekend...THANK GOODNESS!!!!

Randumb Ramblings 10.21.05

2005-10-21T15:30:00.000-07:00

*As I write this…I know Cancun is getting HIT by Hurricane Wilma. I feel bad for the people there…and for the tourists. This is where we went on our honeymoon so Cancun will always be special to me. I can’t imagine being there for my honeymoon while a storm like this rips through.

*Okay…my husband has the cutest little quirks. One is…he is NEVER barefoot except when he sleeps at night…and in the shower. He has socks next to the bed…and will put them on if he has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Then take them off when he gets back to bed. Isn’t that HILARIOUS…and ENDEARING!!!

*I love the wind. Today there has been a great breeze outside. I love walking outside and your hair just blowing away. I know it’s random…but I always feel like my hair looks better on windy days. Or maybe I like the way my hair looks on windy days!

*Even thought the World Series hasn’t started yet…my fall depression has begun. I don’t care about either of the teams playing in the World Series…so I am coming to grips with baseball being over for the year. No more asking Steve questions while we watch games…no more appreciating the skill that Mark Mulder brings to the game…no more crack of the bat…no more “Take me out to the ballgame”. Such a sad time of year!

*I hate weeding. I never fully understood the statement “growing like weeds” until I moved to the south. In California, weeds don’t grow that fast. Here…they do…and I know that even moreso now that I am a homeowner. I spend about 3 hours every other weekend pulling weeds. BLAH!!!! I need to do that sometime this weekend.

*Isn’t it bizarre how most people’s level of loudness GREATLY increases when they are on their cell phone. It’s even worse if the person has a loud voice to begin with. Just when you think they can’t talk louder…they do. And it’s always down a hall where it just ECHOES even LOUDER!!! Sometimes I find myself talking louder on a cell phone. It drives me crazy. But…you usually just can’t hear people as clear…therefore the need to INCREASE THE LEVEL OF YOUR VOICE automatically takes over.

*So I saw that Lindsay Lohan’s new single is entitled “Confessions of a Broken Heart (Daughter to Father)”. Why the heck doesn’t she just write him a note instead of sharing it with the WHOLE WORLD. I know I don’t want to hear about it.

*I hate it when your favorite band breaks up…and you come to the realization that you will NEVER AGAIN have new music from them. Chasing Furies are my ALL TIME favorite band. So sad…I only have 1 album from them. They broke up YEARS ago…and I still can’t get over this fact!

*There’s nothing like at the end of a rough day or week to just go to a Mexican restaurant and eat chips & salsa and have a yummy Marg! For real…just in that moment of time…all seems right with the world!

*I’m so jealous…my parents are meeting up with my brother and going camping this weekend. That is just what we did as a family growing up…camping! I wish I could be there and relive the memories! Can you believe that Steve has NEVER been camping! We need to fix this problem immediately!

*Today is my Aunt Mary's birthday! Feliz Cumpleanos!

AJ/Angela Needs...

2005-10-21T10:53:00.000-07:00

Google your name and the word “needs” and see what comes up. Jo’s, Zabs’ & Joy’s were very interesting…so I thought I would give it a shot!

*AJ needs new hips
*AJ needs more time in rehab
*AJ needs books
*AJ needs a family that can dedicate some significant energy to working with her
*AJ needs to have healthy outlets for her energy

I also searched Angela needs…this is what came up:
*Angela needs to take her father off the pedestal she put him on
*Angela needs a different prescription
*Angela needs to complete a psychological evaluation
*Angela needs her coffee
*Angela needs to feel assurance
*Angela needs a parent who uses humor and non-threatening approaches to discipline
*Angela needs a vacation (**if Angela needs all those things…then she DEFINITELY needs a VACATION!!)

My Miracles

2005-10-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

About 30 years ago from now should have been my mom’s due date with my brother. Instead he was born on August 31st, about 2 months early. Several months into my mom’s pregnancy, something really weird started happening. My mom’s legs started bruising and turning black. Sometime in the 6th month, my mom was admitted into the hospital because the doctors did not have a clue as to what was happening. My mom was losing the feeling in her legs and was bed ridden in the hospital. Her legs by this time were completely black. My mom was really sick. I believe to the point of losing consciousness. The doctors finally decided they needed to talk to my dad. They gave him an ultimatum…save my mom or save the baby. They told him to sleep on it and to let him know the next day. Well, I think God had other plans. That night…my mom delivered the baby. To this day she doesn’t remember anything about it. Apparently my brother just came out…completely unexpected. I think my mom’s body was so sick that it just delivered my brother so that my mom could recover. My brother was only like 3 or 4 pounds. Back then this was pretty serious as they didn’t have the neo-natal specialists they have now. My brother had to be in an incubator for a couple of weeks, and had jaundice, but other than that he was fine. My mom stayed in the hospital for a couple of months. Slowly her body healed from whatever it was that invaded her body. The doctors had never seen anything like it, and still have no clue what exactly happened. My brother was a miracle. My dad was so relieved that he didn’t have to make a choice between my mom and my brother. After my mom recovered, the doctors recommended that my mom not get pregnant again. And they weren’t planning it at all. Well, 2 years later my mom got pregnant with me. Unexpected. All the specialists that saw my mom highly recommend she get an abortion immediately. My mom went to meet with her OB/GYN and asked his opinion. He said having an abortion would be the safest bet…but told her… “if anyone can do it Mrs. Keatts, you can.” My parents, who are both Pro-Life, immediately decided to go forward and not look back. My mom ended up having a very normal pregnancy with no complications. The doctors did deem that what happened with my mom when she was pregnant with my brother was unrelated to being pregnant. Good news for me! When my mom reminds me of this story…I realize how precious my life is. I could have been aborted! It's still mind numbing when I really think about it. I realize how precious my brother’s life is. He survived against the odds. And I realize how precious my mom’s life is. Despite the weird illness/virus she delivered a healthy baby, and made a full recovery. In the bigger picture…it makes me realize how each one of us is a miracle…how we should live each day to the fullest…and how precious life is. I say this mainly to myself. I have been quite down on life lately. Then I remember how I might not have had the chance of life. My mom gave me a gift that I will always be grateful for. I need to appreciate each moment…each breath…each blessing that is in my life. May this not only be a reminder to me…but also a reminder to you. Don’t get bogged down by all the problems and things going wrong in your life. Focus on all of the blessings…and be grateful for all that God has given you!

Randumb Ramblings 10.14.05

2005-10-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

*I realized just how depressed and tired I am when the sun is not out. We didn’t see the sun in Nashville since last Thursday until this Wednesday. It wasn’t bad the first 3 days…but then I couldn’t take it anymore!! Bring on the sun!!!

*I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately…I’ve noticed the last 3 months…I’ve been REALLY MOODY…NOT around my period. I don’t know what it is…I can’t seem to find a real reason…but my fuse seems shorter than usual…and I find myself feeling off kilter so much more these days. Hopefully it’s just a phase…and hopefully my hormones aren’t out of whack! I just feel SO BAD for my husband. I’m sure he has no clue which mood is going to show up. Hot or cold…lovey dovey or standoff-ish…in a great mood or frustrated by everything. I’m at a place where I am getting really concerned for myself…and that freaks me out. I just want to know what’s going on!

*I grew up with a nanny. Her name is Mary. She is AWESOME! She is the cutest little thing. She is not even 5 feet tall. She is from El Salvador and moved here when my mom had my brother. She was only supposed to be here for 3 months while my mom got better. (My mom had a HORRIBLE time around her pregnancy that kept her in the hospital for a couple of months after my brother was born. I’ll have to share the miracle story sometime.) Well, Mary really liked it here, and when my mom got better she wanted to continue working. So Mary stayed and applied for residency. Then I was born. So I have known Mary my whole life. She only speaks Spanish…unless she HAS to speak English…then she will. I always thought this was funny. She likes speaking Spanish…so she does. She knows English…but just doesn’t speak it. She always spoke to me in Spanish…and I always spoke to her in English. I never call her my nanny because she’s so much more than that. She is really like an aunt. Anyways, she loves me like her own child. It is her birthday on the 21st, so today I wrote her a note in Spanish. I hadn’t written in Spanish in AGES. Usually I just write my note in English. But I decided that it would mean so much if I wrote her note in Spanish. And I did it all on my own, and remembered everything I needed to say. It felt really good to remember the Spanish I needed to know!

*Here is a list of States that I have not been to…but hope to go to soon!
-Vermont
-Conneticut
-Rhode Island
-Delaware
-Maryland
-Louisiana
-Iowa
-Minnesota
-Kansas
-Nebraska
-North Dakota
-South Dakota
-Montana
-Hawaii
-Alaska
Which means I have been to 35 states…that’s pretty AWESOME! Especially since prior to moving to Nashville 5 years ago…I had only been to 7 states. That’s 28 states I’ve been to in the last 5 years!!! WOW!

*My number 1 pet peeve is mouth noises. THEY MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL!!! For example…eating with your mouth open…the noise that is made when you are trying to suck something out of your teeth or pick your teeth…talking while eating…certain gum smacking…clearing your throat…trying to hock a lugi…sucking on a lollipop or popsicle…etc. I wish some of these things didn’t bug me…but they do! My very close 2nd pet peeve is people being late…or running late. Drives me batty!

*I took a personality test…I was 60% melancholy and 40% sanguine. That is fine…but they are pretty much complete opposites. WEIRD! I don’t really know what to think of it all. Maybe I have a split-personality…surely not…right?!?!?!? Who the heck knows…at this point…nothing would surprise me.

*My dream job is something that I can not tell anyone. Not even my husband. NO…IT’S NOT A STRIPPER!!! I just don’t have the guts to tell anyone…so DON’T ASK!!!

*I drink approximately 75 – 85 ounces of water a day…that’s A LOT of water…but my body has felt so good lately! I can now really tell a difference in my body when I don’t drink that much…it just feels so dehydrated and depleted if I don’t drink at least 60 ounces.

*Steve and I officially decided that we are going to go to Europe in April after GMA. We had talked about it…but now we have both committed to it, and are really excited. I think we have even selected the tour we are going to take. I am SO SO SO SO SO ANXIOUS!!! I’m excited for Steve to experience Europe…and hopefully he will fall in love with Italy so that we can move there one day! I’m sure that’s wishful thinking…but you never know. I can’t really see my sweet husband speaking Italian…but man it would make me melt if he even tried!!

*We just found out our gas bill is going to go up 65%. That is going to suck this winter. Considering that my cost of living raise was only 2%...it doesn’t even begin to make a dent in our increased utilities. Between gas for our cars…and our gas bill…we are spending roughly $130 - $150 more a month. My raise wasn’t even close to that a month! So basically I am making less than I was last year. I am so frustrated. And I know it’s just money…but you think that the more time that passes the more money you will have to spend on fun things. Instead…now I have less money to spend of fun stuff. I guess that means less clothes and never going to the movies just so I can fill up my car to get to work. Man that sounds like a good time.

*On a more positive note…it is PERFECT outside today. Sunny…gorgeous…breezy…in the 70s. What a great way to start the weekend! YAY!

El Salvador

2005-10-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

Last week I read several articles about the massive flooding in Central America due to the Tropical Storm that went through there. This made me numb. You would think that it wouldn’t. In relation to everything else that has happened in the world of natural disasters lately. The tsunami killed hundreds of thousands…obviously Katrina and Rita…and now the earthquake in Pakistan. But I couldn’t stop reading about the disaster going on in Central America. I don’t even think the news really covered it. And again…in comparison to everything else…the mere 1200+ that were killed due to these rains is minimal. How sad is it that 1200 people dying is minimal. But anyways, many of you know that my mom is from El Salvador. Most of her family is still there. She comes from a family of 9. 1 brother was killed…2 live outside of El Salvador, but the rest still live there including her dad, countless cousins, nieces, nephews, etc. Most of whom I have never met. And it just destroys me. For many reasons. From what I understand…I haven’t asked my mom recently…but most of my family lives on my grandfather’s farm land. I don’t think there’s any electricity…and they use an outhouse as their toilet. Very 3rd world country. And I have no clue if this disaster hit them or not. My mom does have some family that lives in the capital. And my grandfather will have to make the SEVERAL hour trek there by bus to talk to my mom by phone. My mom hasn’t been there since my brother was born. I have never been there. My grandfather did travel to California once to visit us and one of my mom’s brother’s that also lives in California. I think I was about 8 years old. That’s the only contact I have had with him. And it is so sad. My dad’s side of the family is very small. My dad has one sister…she has no children. His father died when I was in high school, so there’s only my grandma, aunt & uncle. And here I have this HUGE family in El Salvador that I know nothing about. I probably couldn’t even name all of my mom’s brothers and sisters. Let alone all my cousins that are probably my age. More than anything I would love to know them. Fear is the only thing stopping me from going. But I suppose it’s enough as I have never gone. It is complicated. My mom’s sister is a government official. Her husband, son and daughter were all killed. The country has it’s issues politically. To be honest, I don’t even know how the situation is right now. Hopefully good. But my mom’s brother that lives in California went down there to visit a couple of years ago and he had to have a couple of bodyguards with him the whole time. That is just scary. My mom thinks my dad would stick out like a sore thumb down there because of how white he is. Now I also fear for Steve, because he is white as well. I don’t want to go without him. But I don’t want anything to happen if we go. And there’s my dilemma. And my heart continues to hurt for all the people that were affected by these rains. Hopefully they will get some aide in this time of desperate need around our world. And I just hope that my blood relatives are okay.

Ahhhh...the past!

2005-10-11T07:07:00.000-07:00

I think it’s fun when people you re-connect with people you were good friends with in years past. In the past several weeks I have re-connected with 2 of my sorority sisters. It has been so wonderful to hear what they are up to and what life is like for them. I also heard (via my mom) about one of my very best friends in high school. I would LOVE to reconnect with this person…and they are one of a handful of people that will always be special to me. But unlike the others…this friend is a guy. I have NEVER had a closer guy friend other than my husband. Bryan is really the only other guy that will always be special to me. In high school, Bryan was my buddy. Especially when my best friend Jennifer had a boyfriend…I hung out with Bryan the most. I told him all about my boy dilemmas…and he told me all about his girl dilemmas. We talked about sports and waterpolo and he let me know that he would ALWAYS school me in the pool. We had a great and interesting friendship.

THE STORY…OUR HISTORY (**warning…this may be long**)

(L-R, Bryan, me & Dallen)

We were friends all 4 years of high school. We were in Freshman English class together. That’s how we met. I’ll admit…I had a crush on him right away. When the winter formal came around (the first couple dance of the year), my best friend Jennifer told me she was going to ask Bryan. I was crushed…but couldn’t say anything because I had never vocalized my feelings. That…and my mom wouldn’t let me go to a couples dance until I was 16. Well, Jenn and Bryan hit it off. They dated for 2 years in high school. I was the third wheel with them…but they never made me feel that way. The three of us went to lunch together every single day. We were all best friends…and my feelings for him ceased. I mean he was my best friend’s boyfriend. But…Bryan and I swam and played waterpolo while Jenn was a tennis player. Then they broke up. It was weird. I wanted it to be how it always was…the three of us best of friends. This put me in an odd situation…because I’m friends with both. But Jenn and Bryan were great…and obviously knew I was still going to hang out with the other. So our junior year in high school…I hung out with Bryan…and I hung out with Jenn…but separately. Half way thru the year, Jenn started dating someone else. So this is when I started hanging out with Bryan more. Bryan had his group of friends too…whom were also great friends of mine. There was Joey, Dallen, Michael, Grant, Bryan and then me. All but Grant swam and played waterpolo as well, so they all adopted me as their friend. Isn’t it interesting how in high school you always had to have groups of friends. (Well…that is a whole other blog entry!) But Junior year was great. Bryan and I were great friends! One interesting thing…was Sadie Hopkins dance. Another one of my close friends from church asked me if I would be fine if she asked Bryan. I immediately said… "OF COURSE”. Because we were just friends…and because I was going to ask one of Jenn’s boyfriend’s friends so we could go as a 4-some. Then it happened. I got jealous. Especially when she said they had kissed at the end of the night. I never talked about it with Bryan. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship, and there wasn’t much of the school year left. He asked someone else to prom…and I basically had a blind date to go with my friend Nikki and her boyfriend. (AND WE HAD A BLAST…so no need to feel bad for me.)

Then it was senior year. I was student body president…so I was at school a couple of days a week for the month before school started. I found out that in our county…our school was chosen to host the Mid Year Annual Leadership Youth Conference. It’s basically where the top 10 officers from selected schools get to attend and learn about leadership and student activities. I got to choose who would be on my planning committee. Both Bryan and Jenn were there…of course. It was during the planning that Jenn came up to me one day and said (out of the blue I may add)… "You know…if you ever want to date Bryan…I’m totally fine with it. You guys always made more sense than we did”. I was speechless. Because up until that moment…I just knew Bryan was off limits…because we all know that best friends ex’s are off limits. I thanked her…and said I wasn’t sure…I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. That…and that summer I developed a HUGE crush on this other guy Zach…who I worked with at Wild Water Adventures. We were both lifeguards. So I wasn’t really thinking of Bryan during the summer. So the summer was ending…and the school year began. (And as the lifeguard season ended…Zach conveniently let me know that he had had a girlfriend this WHOLE TIME!) That would have been good to know. So then Zach was off limits…and I remembered what Jenn told me. Time passed…Bryan and I picked up where we left off…and then we went to Sonora for the week for the Mid-Year Youth Conference. I was actually getting excited because I thought I had a great plan. There was going to be this dance at the conference…I thought that would be a great time to talk to Bryan…tell him how I felt…and see where we would go. Why not…it’s my senior year…what do I have to lose. The beginning of the week was great. I noticed some flirting…but I think it was always there…I just hadn’t noticed it before. The day before the dance…Bryan pulled me aside during some downtime. I think we went for a walk or something. Immediately I thought…this is it! He’s going to tell me his feelings for me. As we are just chit-chatting…he finally said… "SO”. LONG PAUSE. My mind was racing. I was about to interrupt him to tell him how I felt first. But I chickened out. (I would come to regret this.) Bryan proceeded. “I need your advice. There’s this girl that I have kind of been hanging out with here. She’s from Clovis West…really cute. Do you think I should ask her to dance tomorrow.” Completely blindsided…and completely a conversation we would ALWAYS have (because we always gave each other advice about guys and girls) I said… "yes…you should totally ask her. Who knows if you will ever see her again.” (FROM THIS SITUATION…and a couple of others that would happen in the future…I decided you should always tell someone how you are feeling…even if it is uncomfortable and the wrong time.) But I took the high road. I supported Bryan. The dance came and went…and I sat at a table watching Bryan’s feelings grow for this other girl right in front of my eyes. He got her phone number and they would call each other for the next several months. I figured that was it. I can’t do this anymore…Bryan and I would only be friends. So we went back to the way we were. (He never knew anything was different.) But my feelings again subsided…and over Christmas break Zach would break up with his girlfriend. So that crush was back on full force. (Wasn’t it so easy to turn on and off feelings in high school?!?!?!) Over Christmas Bryan and the girl decided to stop calling each other and hanging out.

The last half of our senior year is a little blurry. I ended up taking Zach to Sadie Hopkins and Prom.

(Zach & I before Prom)

I can’t even remember who Bryan went with. Since Zach went to a different high school it was a little complicated. But we hung out quite a bit. He would come to functions with me at Sanger High. But I noticed he went with other girls to his school’s dances. (I should have taken the hint back then…now it is so obvious. I guess I was holding on to the hope.) Zach and I would never be anything more than friends. He was going away to college. I was going away to college. We would be 2 hours from each other. Bryan was staying in Fresno…3 hours from me. Bryan was super supportive through the whole Zach thing. He had to hear me be sad that Zach would go to his prom with someone else. Bryan was always supportive…and always strong. We still hung out a lot. It was our last swim season.

This leads us to Graduation. Bryan and I made sure to find each other after the ceremony.

We decided to meet up at Grant’s house then we would ride to sober grad nite together with a couple of the guys. Our group took 2 cars. Sober grad was fun. I tried to cherish it as much as I could. I knew I would NEVER see half of these people ever again. I hung out with the guys that night. At 5 am or whatever time it was when it ended…Bryan and I rode back to Grant’s together. But it was just him and I for this car ride. The 2 other guys we rode with…decided to hang out longer and go back with the other car. I knew he was leaving the next day to spend the summer in San Diego with some family. By the time he would get back to Fresno, I would be moved down to Pepperdine. I was really sad. I knew what was coming…a long sad goodbye to one of my dearest friends ever. We both knew life would never be the same. The first 3 minutes of the 15 minute car ride was dead silent. Then Bryan said something like… "Why didn’t we ever get together?” Instead of pretending to be shocked by this phrase…I just said… "I don’t know”. IT was bizarre. We both knew how we felt about the other. Bryan proceeds to tell me that he liked me ALL of high school. Even before him and Jenn got together. I told him the same. I told him about how I wanted to tell him how I felt at that Mid-Year youth conference dance…and he wished that I would have. Because that girl didn’t mean anything to him. And he told me how when he and that girl decided to call it quits…and he called me over that Christmas break …he was going to tell me how he had felt about me. But instead…the first thing I said to him on that phone call was… "Guess what…Zach and his girlfriend broke up…I have a chance.” And I told him how I wish he still would have told me. By this time…we had just been sitting in front of Grant’s house for about a half an hour…talking. One of the most real conversations I have ever had about feelings and life. It’s funny how when time runs out…you say everything you always wanted to say. We were both crushed. He didn’t want to leave…and I didn’t want him to leave. We hugged and had 1 kiss and he promised to write…and so did I. And we did. And I went away to Pepperdine. We started to email…and continue to write letters. They became more sparse. He met someone at Fresno State. I hung out with them (the same way I used to hang out with him and Jenn) over Christmas Break. He wanted me to let him know what I thought of her…and I wanted to be her. And again I didn’t say anything. He was so happy. And I was happy for him. And I knew I had to step out of his life because he told me how much he liked her. I didn’t want her to be jealous of me. She didn’t have anything to be jealous of…she had him and I didn’t. I had to be the bigger person and I stepped out. I think we might have emailed each other once or twice the rest of college. I still asked all the people I know from the high school days about him. I heard he got married. I still don’t know if it was to that girl. I assumed it was. I moved to Nashville and met the man that was made for me. And my life is great!

This leads us WAY back to one of the first sentences in this entry. My mom ran into him. I knew he was an optometrist. My friend Mandi told me that in July when I was home. So my mom ran into him at the optometrist’s office. She thinks he’s taking over the current doctor’s clientele. She told me that she knew she recognized him. But he was the one that asked… "Aren’t you Angela’s mom”? (I went by Angela in high school.) She said yes. He spent the next 10 minutes asking about me. My mom said that he seemed bummed when she said that I was married. I don’t believe her. In a way. Even if I knew that Bryan wasn’t married…and I was…if I found out that he got married…I would probably feel the same. I think that’s just some random human emotion.

So what now? My mom gave him my email address. I wonder if he will write. I wonder if I will respond. OF COURSE I will. I don’t have any feelings for Bryan other than just happy recollections of him. He told my mom he was looking forward to our 10 year reunion next year. She told him that I was as well. I have realized since my mom told me she ran into him, how much I miss his friendship. Bryan is wonderful. I want my husband to know him. And I want to know his wife. I wish that we could be friends. But is that really feasible? I hope so…I guess we shall see.

Confused

2005-10-10T08:38:00.000-07:00

What would you do if there were someone in your life that you had this overwhelming feeling that you needed to talk to them about something...but that something is very sticky?? Especially when it involves their relationship with someone else?!? I have someone in my life...and they have been heavy on my heart...and I feel like I need to say something. Except...I can't imagine this person being mad at me...or them wanting to have nothing to do with me. And I know that's the worst case scenario...but I don't know if the confrontation is worth not having them be a part of my life anymore. I rarely have this feeling. I'm usually not the person that confronts...or will call a person out on something. I am usually the supporter and listening ear. Yet in this situation, I feel like I need to say something...but I don't know if it's God telling me to do so...or if I'm just being selfish. This other person isn't necessarily being destructive to my friend...but they are influencing my friend...and my friend has just "changed" since this other person has been in their life. My heart is so burdened...and I am so sad. I just don't know what to do. Any advice??

Randumb Ramblings 10.7.05

2005-10-07T15:07:00.000-07:00

*I am not a fan of reading and writing in large doses. I can handle reading a magazine...I can handle writing on a blog...but get me into reading literature...or writing press releases...NO THANKS!!! My mind is definitely much more math & science. I get more excited over charts and maps and graphs.

*This week I have had to deal with a sports depressed husband. Does anyone else deal with this?? And I think I am more than sensitive when it comes to this...because I am also passionate about sports...but it's one thing to be bummed after a game...but it's another thing to wake up depressed and think your world is going to come crashing down if the Red Sox don't make it to the next series in the playoffs. I'm ALL about the Red Sox. They make me happy...I get VERY upset when anyone trash talks them...but I don't get depressed about it if they don't win. At first I tried to be the soother...who tried to say something positive about the situation. That made it worse. So now I just listen to the rants...nod my head...and don't say a word. Hopefully it will work. And today might potentially be the last game the Red Sox play this year if they lose. Not that I would pray to God to help the Red Sox win...but man it would sure improve my evening/weekend!

*I took a long hiatus from Raumen noodles after college. We decided to get some a couple of months ago...and now we eat them a couple of nights a week. I had forgotten how good they are. And with gas prices soaring...a package of 15 cent noodles are very easy on the budget. Maybe just knowing how cheap they are makes them taste better. Who knows...but I'm glad the Raumen is back!

*I was born in a state I never lived in. My parents lived in Pomeroy, Washington when I was born. My dad was raised in Pomeroy, and my grandpa was a wheat farmer. So after my parents got married in California, they decided to move to Pomeroy. However, Pomeroy is so small that they don't have a major hospital. So I was born in Lewiston, ID which is about 45 minutes away. My grandma still lives in Pomeroy, however I have not been there in 8 years...so sad!

*I have a pretty specific eating routine at work going on. I am trying to eat smaller things throughout the day to keep my metabolism going. This is my current routine:
-9:00am - arrive at work and eat a banana
-11:00am - eat a Yoplait light Yogurt
-12:30pm - eat 12 small pretzel sticks...or 12 soy crisps
-1pm - leave for the gym
-2pm - eat a Lean Cuisine Meal or Smart Ones Meal
-4:30pm - eat some carrot chips or a granola bar
This totals about 10-12 weight watchers points depending on what meal I have. It's funny how my body will usually get hungry about 10 minutes before my next scheduled snack!

*I am pretty freaked out about this bird flu that everyone is talking about. I hope it's not as serious as everyone is saying it will be. I can't believe they are predicting it is going to kill 2 BILLION people! That's like 1 in every 6 people alive will DIE! I swear that when the first case in the United States happens, I am immediately going to the grocery store and buying canned & non-perishible foods to get me through at least 2-3 weeks. And if it even comes to Nashville...I am going to NEVER LEAVE MY HOUSE. I will work from home and kidnap Steve and make him work from home. And if I do have to go out...I will wear a mask & gloves. What freaks me out the most...is thinking about my dad. He is supposed to have a stem-cell regeneration in Seatte...supposedly sometime this winter. They will basically kill every white blood cell so his immune system will be shot. I can't think about his poor body trying to fight any small flu/cold/disease without an immune system...let alone something like this. And I can't imagine not being there with him if something did happen.

*Tivo has changed my life. I can't imagine life without Tivo. It is truly FABULOUS. I love that I can watch my favorite TV shows on my convenience. Or that I can start watching a show 20 minutes after it started...and just skip thru the commercials or catch up. It's like a 1 stop shop for Television! However...now I watch WAY MORE TV than I ever did.

*We got a digital camera this summer, and we still haven't loaded the software on the computer. I am challenging myself to do that this weekend, so that my blog can have more pictures for everyone's enjoyment. It's always cool to have a visual to go with the story. So hopefully next week...I can post a story with some pictures.

*HAPPY FRIDAY EVERYONE! HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

My Addictions

2005-10-06T15:24:00.000-07:00

I feel confident that I only have 2 major addictions in this world. I have several semi-addictions…but 2 major addictions. They are as different as night and day…but my world would be shattered if these things were taken away.

*My number 1 addiction is working out. On an average week…I run 6 days a week (Monday – Saturday) 2 miles on the weekdays, and 3-5 miles on Saturday. I don’t know if it’s the feeling that I get in my lungs when I am running, but I am fully addicted. Lately I have been going to the gym at lunch. I will usually be there for 40 minutes. I have been alternating cardio (walking for 30 minutes…I don’t want to go back to the office too disgusting) and weights. And now Steve is walking on the Treadmill at nights, so while he does that I either do pilates or an ab workout plus pushups. Working out is so addicting. The more I do…the more I want to do. I find myself wanting to do lunges down the hall at work…or calf raises if I have a curb to do them on…or shoulder presses or bicep curls if I’m holding something heavy. That’s just the way my mind thinks. If it were up to me…I’d probably spend about 3 hours a day in the gym. But there’s a HUGE downside to this. And it’s a problem…and will one day be a HUGE problem. After going through a stretch of working out 2-3 times a day, if I just go down to once a day (2 mile run in the morning) I start to feel guilty. Like I’m not doing enough. Like I’m going to lose all tone and “swell up” as someone so nicely told me once. And I hate that. **Medical side note** About 3 years ago my doctor monitored my heart for a couple of weeks because it felt like it was doing some irregular beating. He thinks I have PVC which is Premature Vascular Contractions. I guess my heart and the valve under my heart that pumps the blood beat at different speeds. So in essence my heart will skip a beat to catch up to the valve. And it’s fairly common, and it isn’t life threatening…and I don’t have to take medication. But when I don’t get my heart rate up, it really acts up. As long as I workout, I usually never notice it. This leads to my fear. Whenever Steve and I decide to have a family, and I get pregnant, and I am no longer able to run, I have this fear that I will FREAK OUT. If my heart is beating all crazy because I can’t get my heart rate up…I might very well lose it mentally. I also fear blowing out a knee or an ankle and no longer being able to run. If there’s one thing I consistently talk to God about…it’s that he protects me and keeps my joints healthy so that I can continue to run. I just can’t imagine a life that doesn’t involve running or working out. It is my true addiction. I can’t live without it.
*My number 2 addiction is lip gloss. Plain and simple. Lip Gloss. Or “Lip” as I so lovingly (and psychotically) refer to it. Preferably Bonnie Bell’s Liquid Lip Smackers in Cotton Candy. Or Bubble Gum if I need a change of pace. I can’t stand to have dry lips. I must apply it about 15 times a day. I can’t go anywhere without it. Take away my debit card…even take away my cell phone…but NEVER TAKE AWAY MY LIP!!! I must have on lip to workout…or else I freak out. I think only twice in the last 3 years have I worked out without putting on fresh lip. And during those runs…all I could think about was how I needed to get home so I could put on lip. I think I should buy stock in Bonnie Bell because I buy it in BULK. I usually have 2 “Lips” in my purse, 1 on my nightstand, 1 in the drawer where I get ready, 1 in the bonus room, and 1 at work. That way it is always near by. And I can NOT fall asleep, unless I have put on lip for the night. So there it is…addiction #2.

My smaller addictions I wouldn’t want to live without…but probably could if I absolutely had to:
*Major League Baseball – without which, I wouldn’t be able to see MARK MULDER! HOT! I always go thru a mild depression the end of October/beginning of November when the season is over. And man…there’s nothing like the first of April when the season begins!
*My ipod – I don’t think workouts would be as enjoyable without music!
*Contact Lenses – I would just make sure and get Lasik.
*Chicken – I eat chicken EVERYDAY. It’s my #1 source of protein…can’t live without it…and can’t remember the last day I didn’t eat chicken at least once.
*Vegetables – I’m sure my bowel system would be jacked up without them. Well…I think my mom feared me into making sure I always eat vegetables. I can hear her clear as day saying…if you don’t eat your roughage you will get constipated. So I never wanted to know if that was true or not. Plus…I genuinely LOVE vegetables.

Hopefully no one will over-spiritualize this. These are just earthly things. Hopefully someone doesn’t think…”oh my goodness…she didn’t put her bible on that list”. PLEASE PEOPLE…WAKE UP! Anyways, what are your addictions???

Dressing up makes me feel better.

2005-10-04T10:24:00.000-07:00

I love clothes. I love fashion. The only magazine I subscribe to is Lucky. It’s like a monthly shoppers guide with great ideas and lots of AMAZING clothes, 95% of which I can’t afford, but I can dream. That’s my hang up. I can’t justify spending large amounts of money on clothes. As my mom would say it best “You have wine taste on a beer budget”. But I feel like I can still dress great and feel good without spending all the money. I love stores like H&M, Nordstrom Rack, Zara, Ross, TJ Maxx & Marshalls. But at all of those stores (with the exception of H&M and Zara) you have to be in the mood to find a bargain. Because you have to dig. And most the time I don’t mind. Steve hates this type of shopping most of the time. But lately he has found some good deals, and can appreciate the bargain hunt. Even though he doesn’t really have the patience for it. And if the normal fashionista saw me, I’m sure they would frown at my outfits, and my lack of Versace or Manolo Blahnik’s. Anyways, I am starting to lose my original train of thought of why I wanted to blog on this topic. I don’t know what it is, but when I feel like I look good, it puts me in an instant good mood. Yesterday and today I have “dressed up” for work. Heels/skirts/blazers/etc. And I feel happy. I don’t know why that is. But I’m not complaining. I guess I just realized how good I feel, if I feel like I look good. And that’s probably vain, but at this point…I don’t really care. It’s like prozac without having to take the pill. Even though yesterday at the end of the day, I felt like my feet were going to fall off, I still managed to put on heels again today. Luckily this pair is much more comfortable. But it’s even worth the pain. Which again…I find bizarre. But I guess that’s just me and a new quirk I have learned. Yesterday I wanted to get lost in my bed and not wake up. I felt emotionally unstable. But I know that is the worst thing that you can do…just stay in bed avoiding the world. So I got up and made myself run as usual. Except yesterday running felt like a chore. Which that RARELY happens. But I was so glad I still did. And I dressed up. And I felt better. Although if anyone could have video footage of me trying to get ready they would have realized exactly the wreck that I am. Steve had to come home to a pile of shoes and clothes just lying in the closet. I NEVER DO THIS. But I think I put on 4 outfits before I found something I felt good in. So I guess this is my new secret that I am letting out of the bag. When I dress up, it’s usually to cover up feeling really crummy inside. You would think it would be the other way around. No one is going to ask me if everything is alright if I look like I am put together. But I actually prefer it that way. Funny…the days I am feeling most secure and confident are probably the days that I am most “dressed down”. That’s pretty out of wack! But hey…that’s my life…and I am growing to like my quirks. I have come to laugh at myself…and find actual enjoyment in it. Here are the days of embracing my flaws. Maybe this strategy will work. I’ll let you know.

Randumb Ramblings 9.30.05

2005-09-30T15:55:00.000-07:00

*I love Sunflower seeds. They are a great snack. They help keep me awake when I am driving late at night. However they kind of make me feel like a man. There is no way to feel girlie while eating sunflower seeds. Oh well. As I see it…I’d like to be in some baseball dugout hanging out with the team spittin’ seeds with them.

*Downtown Chicago has to be one of the coolest places on this earth. I LOVE IT! I was so fortunate to have gone last week, and everything about it is wonderful. I know I have posted about big cities including Chicago before, but I just had to reiterate this thought. And man…I LOVE H&M!!!!

*This past Sunday was the first time there was a Tornado Warning that I wasn’t terrified. I think that’s a step in the right direction. It just didn’t seem scary because there wasn’t thunder and lightning. Just wind and rain. I guess it’s really the Thunder that terrifies me.

*I talked to my brother, and I think he’s having a hard time with the whole family not being together at Christmas. He called me to start planning where we would have Christmas…everyone together. I hated to tell him that I am on rotation now, and will be with Steve’s family for Christmas. Apparently next Christmas he is going to Europe with friends…then the next year I will be back at Steve’s family. So he let me know that it would be 4 Christmas’ until we would be together. Not to mention he wasn’t with us last year. Getting older is so complicated. Why can’t it be simple like it was when we were kids!

*What is it with guys and skinny girls. It drives me crazy when guys say that really skinny girls aren’t attractive. Then in the next breath say that Jennifer Aniston is the perfect woman. Don’t get me wrong…I think Jennifer is GORGEOUS. And man what I wouldn’t do to have her body myself. But she is SKINNY. TINY. She might be smaller than a size Zero. And yes…that is what I would want to look like. I guess it just drives me crazy that guys are hypocritical on this topic. They swear that skinny isn’t attractive to make us average women feel better…then oogle over the teeniest women. I don’t get it!

*Another thing I don’t get. Older guys that oogle over 18 year olds. What is up with that? How would 30 somethings relate to an 18 year old. In general I mean…I know there are the exceptions. But come on…they are only interested in looks at that point. I don’t know why it creeps me out that a 35 year old thinks Hillary Duff is Hot. And she is SO CUTE…and if a college guy made the same statement I would totally agree with him. But a 30-something?!?!?! Maybe in some weird way it makes me feel insecure about getting older, and not being 18 anymore. NOT THAT I WANT TO BE 18 AGAIN. I am just thankful that my husband is attracted to the likes of Sheryl Crow. I get that.

*Confession…I am a HUGE fan of Blue Bell Ice Cream. I DID NOT want to like it. I hate to offend anyone here…but every Texan I know RAVES about how Blue Bell is the BEST EVER…and it just got annoying. I wanted to hate it…but boy…it SURE IS GOOD!!! Kroger started carrying Blue Bell Ice Cream. So far we have tried Homemade Vanilla (the closest thing I have tasted to my dad’s homemade), Cookies Cookies Cookies (need I say more?!?!?), Neopolitan, Cookies & Cream, and Banana Pudding (Unbelievable)!!! I would like to eat a whole half-gallon IMMEDIATELY!

*My brother was evacuated at 3am on Wednesday night because of the LA fires. He said it was all like a weird dream when the police came on super loud speakers to tell everyone they had to evacuate. I can’t imagine waking up to that.

*Maps are my friend. I love maps. I love directions. It’s weird…it’s just in my brain. I wish I would have taken a geography course in college. I would have gotten an A+, and would have soaked it up. I have a map of the US in my office. It is in front of my desk. I find myself staring at it often. Weird…I know!

Yahweh by U2

2005-09-21T14:42:00.000-07:00

Lyrics:
Take these shoes
Click clacking down some dead end street
Take these shoes
And make them fit
Take this shirt
Polyester white trash made in nowhere
Take this shirt
And make it clean, clean
Take this soul
Stranded in some skin and bones
Take this soul
And make it sing

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn

Take these hands
Teach them what to carry
Take these hands
Don’t make a fist
Take this mouth
So quick to criticize
Take this mouth
Give it a kiss

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahewh, Yahweh
Still I’m waiting for the dawn
Still waiting for the dawn, the sun is coming up
The sun is coming up on the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean
This love is like a drop in the ocean

Yahweh, Yahweh
Always pain before a child is born
Yahweh, tell me now
Why the dark before the dawn?

Take this city
A city should be shining on a hill
Take this city
If it be your will
What no man can own, no man can take
Take this heart
Take this heart
Take this heart
And make it break

===========================

I love this song...and these lyrics have really been penetrating my soul lately. When I listen to this song, when Bono cries out to Yahweh, I feel like the Holy Spirit is alive in my heart. It's such a weird but amazingly beautiful sensation. I definitely crave that feeling more than anything else in life. Hopefully these lyrics have made you think.

Randumb Ramblings 9.16.05

2005-09-16T09:44:00.000-07:00

*Happy Mexican Independence Day!! I never quite understood why everyone makes a bigger deal out of Cinco de Mayo, and I bet no one even knows that September 16th is Mexican Independence Day. I guess it’s because Cinco de Mayo had to do with the United States, and Mexican Independence Day didn’t. Either way…head to your nearest Mexican restaurant and eat lots of chips & salsa!

*Why is it that it is so easy to forget compliments that people give us…and we can’t do anything to forget all the negative comments?? I hate that! Sometimes when I read my blog…it sounds so sad and depressing. And yes…those are feelings I feel. But I don’t think to write about when I am happy and things are going good. I need to remember to do more of that.

*Rain is not my friend. Yesterday I got stuck in a torrential downpour…my skin was soppy wet…my hair frizzed up…my flip flops were mushy…YUCK! I was in a bad mood for a couple of hours. Yet…this morning while out exercising…it started to rain. I sprinted home. I just had to laugh and actually enjoyed it! I guess that’s because I knew that I was in workout clothes and sweaty and about to take a shower, to where yesterday I looked nice and it just kind of ruined it. It has been a long time since I have enjoyed the rain like I did this morning!

*I think it would be the coolest job to be the person who picks what music is played on a TV show. I was watching the special features on the OC DVDs, and they interviewed the lady that chooses all of their music. What a fun job! I just have NO CLUE how she got hooked up doing that.

*MONEY SUCKS…PERIOD!!!!

*Sometimes I just want to RUN AWAY. I know it’s not realistic…but sometimes I just want to go to a new place where no one knows me and just hide from everybody. It would probably only last for a day then I would want to come back, but sometimes I think about it. I don’t think I could actually do it, because I wouldn’t want my family and friends to worry. Maybe I just need to tell everyone that I’m going away for a weekend…do my own thing…promise I will call if I get into trouble…and just go. Then no one would contact the authorities.

*I have always been a day dreamer. I like to just dream about being on a beach somewhere, and everything around me is perfect. Lately, I have had these weird vision things. Like I will be driving somewhere…and I have this vision of me just driving off the road and dying. Stuff like that. Very morbid or scary. I have never experienced this in my life. I don’t know what it is.

*I haven’t shaved since October. Okay wait…let me tell you why before you get disgusted. I epilate. That sounds funny. Anyways, I use one of those devices that pulls the hair from the root. I LOVE IT!!!!! I WILL NEVER SHAVE AGAIN!

*My ultimate tech toy would be this cute little thing that was my cell phone, ipod, digital camera and mini DVD player all in 1. That would be nice! That’s not too much to ask right?!?!?! Then when I go on a trip I don’t have to have a bag full of random electronics.

*My mom thinks it’s a cute story to tell my friends that the first job I ever wanted (when I was like 3 years old) was to be a trash collector. How random is that…and GROSS!! I DO NOT recollect this at all!!! It was probably one of those moments to try and get a kid to say something funny for a laugh. Like someone probably said… "You want to be a trash collector when you grow up huh!?!?” And then as this kid not knowing any better I probably just nodded…and everyone probably laughed. But whatever…if I truly wanted to do that…then obviously I was already crazy at 3!!!

Until next week…

33

2005-09-12T14:35:00.000-07:00

Dear Sugarbear,

Today is your 33rd Birthday! What an amazing day September 12th is for me now. The day you entered the world…an entering I am so thankful for. This is the 4th birthday I have been in the picture for. Each year it means something more. I have never dreamed of a man so perfect for me. I have never dreamed of a love like ours. Thank you for being my best friend. You are always there for me, and you are the first person I want to share things with. I love shooting the breeze with you. Whether that is watching baseball, movies, going to the driving range, shopping, exercising, etc., I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else. You provide guidance when I am lost, you provide an ear when I need to talk, and you provide a smile when I am “trying” to be funny! Thank you for putting up with me. I know I bring a lot of frustration, and you are so patient with me. I couldn’t ask for someone more understanding. Thank you for showing me what unconditional love is all about. Thank you for telling me I’m gorgeous whether I believe it or not. Thank you for asking the tough questions when I am not myself. Thank you for your bear hugs…the sweet hugs that make everything right with the world. When I am in your arms I know true comfort, safety and love.

There are so many things I love about you! I love that your skin is softer than mine. I love your pouty face. (I swear if you pass on that face to our future children I am DONE FOR!) I love your quick wit. I love that you scream like a girl in scary movies. I love your brilliant ideas. I love that you love baseball not only as much as I do…but more. I love that you want to take care of me and spoil me. I love just watching you interact with other people...it makes me smile. I love how everyone that knows you, goes out of their way to tell me what a great husband I have. I love that when you are having a bad day, that you like to eat chocolate frosting. I love to see you talk about something you are passionate about. Most of all, I love the way you look at me. You see my soul and know it’s beautiful…and you make me believe it! I have never felt that with anyone else. So thank you for being you…for loving me…and for being the perfect man for me! I LOVE YOU TODAY AND FOREVER!

Love,
Your Sugarbaby

Randumb Ramblings 9.9.05

2005-09-09T07:54:00.000-07:00

I think every Friday I am just going to post some Randumb Ramblings of what has happened during the week. (Yes I am aware of how I spelled Random.) This one has stuff from the past couple of weeks. But these have been my thoughts lately.

*Last week Steve and I went to Maine to visit family and friends. It was wonderful! It made me want to move up there and live a slower paced life. Then I remembered what their winters were like.

*The week before that I was in Columbus for a Rock Radio Summit. I had the wonderful surprise of running into the FABULOUS Meredith! It was such a nice treat and made my heart so happy!

*I went to Fenway Park in Boston to watch the Red Sox play! It was truly MAGICAL. Yes…I know this is twisted. Steve sat with his guy friends across the stadium, and I found a seat by myself. I thought it would be weird to be by myself at the game…but I LOVED IT…and soaked it all in. There is so much history in that stadium!

*I have had the overwhelming feeling that my life as I know is about to drastically change. That makes me hopeful and super scared.

*I can’t stop listening to “Gold Digga” by Kanye West featuring Jamie Foxx. (This has NOTHING to do with his political statements!) I know it’s naughty…but I LOVE IT!

*When I arrived in Maine…my mother-in-law had the book “Thinking Pregnant” waiting for me on the dresser of the room we stayed in. I guess someone wants a grandbaby because we aren’t really thinking about it right now.

*I paid $49.89 to fill up my tank. If it would have broke $50 I think I would have had a mental breakdown at the gas station. This makes me so sick to my stomach! Why can’t gas be $1.50/gallon again?? I remember when I thought that was expensive!!!

*I LOVE Diet Rootbeer and skim milk...together. I know it sounds disgusting…but it is SO GOOD!!! It’s like dessert in a drink that’s not bad for you!

*My dad had a bone marrow test done about a month ago. There is no trace of Multiple Myeloma in his marrow! It will always reside in his plasma…but it is no longer in the marrow, and no longer attacking his bones. More than anything…it makes me excited that my dad feels pretty much normal. I can’t tell you how happy this makes me! His oncologist recommended that he go to Seattle for a Stem-Cell Regeneration. He will have to be up there for 2-4 months. This makes me SO SCARED!

*I ate a lot of junk and way too much Dunkin’ Donuts in Maine. Although it was SO GOOD…I now feel guilty.

*I have become obsessed with The OC. I never watched it until there was nothing on TV this summer and I watched reruns. Now I am renting the first two seasons and can’t get enough! I think it’s my escape from reality!

*I really miss dance. I danced from the age of 3 until I graduated from college. I think I may look into getting involved in a dance class.

*I wish massages were free…I would go EVERY DAY!

*I hung out with one of my most favorite people Sherry Libby while I was in Maine. She has a 2 year old and twin 3 month olds. I fell in love with her twins! I will have to post some pictures soon. This made my ovaries jump. But…it was just refreshing to be in Sherry’s presence. I wanna be like her when I grow up!

Fragile

2005-09-08T09:00:00.000-07:00

Lately I have felt so unstable. I have had no energy to blog. I have wanted to…there has been A LOT I have wanted to blog about…I have just not had the energy to put it down on paper. I feel like I’m dangerously flirting with falling off the deep end. That scares me. I hate feeling like at any moment I might freak out and go crazy. I miss Carolyn. When I was in college…I freaked out. It was bad. It was scary. I cried A LOT. For those that know me…know I don’t really cry. Carolyn saved me. My mom forced me to go see a counselor/psychologist. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to admit I needed help. But I was so desperate…that I agreed to go once. Carolyn was my psychologist. It’s amazing that talking to a total stranger about your issues would make you feel so good. She helped me A LOT. I went to her every day the first couple of weeks. Then a couple times a week…then once a week…and by my senior year…I just went once a month. And then I moved to Nashville and she stepped out of my life. And I miss her. She always knew what to say. I felt like she equipped me with tools to not let me go back to that place. And she did. And I really hope I won’t flip out again. I know it won’t be as bad as last time if I do. But I just wish I could see her again. I wish I could go to a psychologist. I am very PRO-therapy. I think everyone could benefit from it. But I can’t afford it now. It was free since it was a program through my college. And I know I can talk to some of my friends…but I also know they have invested interest in me…and are biased. And it’s just scary to think about talking about it with my friends. I don’t want to dump it on them. You would think it would be more comfortable…but it is rather uncomfortable. I just feel like at any moment someone might say something…or I might have a crazy thought…and I will just snap. I know this is very vague. But if I go into it, it will do more harm than good. Sometimes I feel like I need a life overhaul. Just a HUGE change. But then I think it’s the potential little changes that will freak me out. I know something BIG is in store…I just don’t know what. I’m ready to move on and see what lies ahead. I’m just waiting to take that first step.

Trauma

2005-08-16T14:14:00.000-07:00

I saw him yesterday. HIM! The guy that I let rule my heart for ohh…a good 9 years. Yikes! I hadn’t seen him in over 4 years. Let me give you some background. When I was 15 I met him. It was a very magical moment to a 15 year old. There was something different about him. (Let’s call him Nine to give him a name.) I had the biggest butterflies in my stomach…instantly. And just felt a connection. It is hard to shake…I can still feel that feeling just thinking about it. I felt like my life would never be the same. That he was in my life for a reason. Let me remind you…I WAS 15 YEARS OLD…VERY YOUNG! Nine was in a band…and he gave me his address. Which I took very seriously…and I’m sure he thought he just had another fan. So I wrote. And he wrote back!! Which pretty much changed my world!!! I had a bonafide crush! My first BIG crush! And during these 9 years I liked other guys, but never took any of them seriously. Couldn’t commit because in the back of my mind…I just knew I had a chance with Nine. (Even if it was 1 in a million…I thought there was a chance!) None of the other guys gave me the butterflies the way Nine did. So we wrote on and off. I would see him whenever he was in my neck of the woods. This continued through college. When I was in college I would go early to the concert and we would hang out before the show. Then his band broke up and I lost touch. His email address changed. I was crushed…but had faith that I would run into him again. So I moved to Nashville after I graduated. I wasn’t even here a month…and sure enough…I ran into him. He was with a new band now, and I happened to go with my roommate to this new band’s event. He gave me his phone number. This was a big step…I thought! So we started calling. He was traveling a lot. When he was in town we would get lunch. Then he would travel some more. Then we would hang out outside of lunch. He came over…hung out…we got dinner at a really nice restaurant. I was smitten. He told me nice things about how he really enjoyed hanging out with me and wanted to again whenever he was in town. He gave me the world’s biggest hugs! His smile melted my heart and I felt like his eyes pierced my soul. Then it happened. HE…NEVER…CALLED…BACK. NEVER. NEVEREVER!!!! I called once a month for 3 months. I left three messages. None were returned. I was crushed. I thought everything was great! I thought things were actually now happening. I THOUGHT I felt a relationship forming. I must have been SO WRONG! Mutual friends said he was spooked because of my age. He was 11 years older than me, and at the time I was 23. What a dumb reason not to like someone. But now I know it was probably just a reason that covered up the fact that he must have not liked me like that. I had to let go…SOMEHOW. It was so hard because it had been so long…and there was no closure. No real reason. NOTHING. I prayed and prayed to run into him. And I didn’t. I would see his picture in the trade magazines and just HURT. 9 years out of 23 years on this earth is A LONG TIME. And let’s face it…it started out as crush/dream. I was young and fantasized way too much. So it hurt. Many months went by and I still had hope. (I was such a MORON!) And then the most amazing thing happened to me. My sweet husband Steve walked into my life. And Steve was made for me. And I want to be with Steve. I don’t want to be with Nine. And Steve knows about Nine…and knows how he affects me. And he is so understanding. And just loves me through it. And about a year ago, I told God…please don’t let me run into Nine. If I do run into him…let it be because I am at some industry event where I will have a head’s up that he might be there. Of course at all of those events I never see him. This brings us to yesterday. Steve and I went to the mall at lunch. I need to get a new prescription to get new contacts and glasses, and I wanted to check out Lens Crafters in the mall. We were about 3 stores away from Lens Crafters, and I am distracted by Finish Line because I need new running shoes. As I’m looking in Finish Line…I tell Steve…maybe we should go in there after Lens Crafters. It’s at that moment that I look in front of me and lock eyes with Nine. It was totally in slow motion. He was walking towards me…and I was walking towards him. And he half way smiles and my jaw drops open. 4 YEARS LATER. My eyes are finally able to break the trance and I kept walking. Up until that moment, I thought that when I saw him I would stop and say hello. Instead I just kept walking and say….”OH FFFFFFFFFFFFF”. I’m not really the cursing kind. Especially a word of that magnitude. And all that came out was the F sound. And Steve was like…”what’s wrong…what’s going on?” I quietly say…we just walked by Nine. We walk into Lens Crafters. I wanted to see if they had a certain frame that I saw in California when I went with my mom to the eye doctor. I managed to ask someone on the staff…but I really didn’t care. I was in a daze. I just left…I didn’t want to be at Lens Crafters anymore. Maybe the Finish Line would help. I couldn’t find the shoe that I wanted. But I wasn’t really looking. I ask Steve if there’s any place he needs to go. He says no. So we proceed to be on our way out of the mall. We walk by Nine AGAIN. By this time I am sick to my stomach. I know he saw me. He knows I saw him. I wanted to stop. I couldn’t. I didn’t feel it was appropriate with Steve there. I don’t know why??? The rest of the day I was traumatized. Like I had just seen a really gruesome car accident that I couldn’t get out of my brain. My appetite went away and I wasn’t able to eat lunch or dinner. Nine isn’t going to hold a warm fuzzy place in my heart. I won’t let him. He blew me off. He is an important person in my life…but it’s not warm fuzzy. Yet…I don’t know how even now…I can’t get over it. When I got back to work…there was something in me that wanted to rush back to the mall to see if he was still there. I don’t know why? I managed to stop by at Walmart on the way home…and got some Downhome Punch. I haven’t done that since I have been married. I’m sure it took Steve by surprise. Not that I drank a lot…but I needed something to take the edge off. (This is NOT an endorsement to drink your problems away.) And I was fine. And Steve was wonderful. And today I am better. I now think the reason Nine was in my life was to protect me from other relationships. I suppose if I only have 1 person like that…it isn’t all that bad. I was so focused on him I didn’t get serious with anyone else. That left me pure for my husband. And I am thankful for that. Although…sometimes I think the emotional relationships are much harder than the physical. But I wouldn’t fully know that…it’s just a hunch. I’m still wondering why I had that reaction yesterday. I’m left here mystified.

"5" MEME

2005-08-12T13:44:00.000-07:00

Okay…I still don’t get this meme thing. But I think I just copy what Jo asked me to do, so here goes:

5 names I can’t use for my future kids: (Because names that end with an X sound or an S sound are a train wreck next to Strout)
*Rex
*Grace
*Beatrice
*Lucas
*Mercedes

5 Movies you’ve seen recently:
*Wedding Crashers (Hilarious…but crass)
*Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Johnny Depp is BRILLIANT!)
*Dukes of Hazzard (It had it’s funny moments…it had it’s stupid moments)
*Planet of the Apes (It was okay until the ending)
*How to Lose a guy in 10 Days (One of my most favorite movies EVER)

5 nice things that happened to you lately:
(This is a surprisingly tough question…I think 5 bad things that happened would be easier to remember, but here goes)
*My husband got Titans tickets given to him and he decided to take me instead of one of the guys!
*We found a GREAT steal of an airfare for me to go to Maine with my husband in two weeks!
*I got a random email from a random person that was very flattering.
*Someone told me I have great freckles…that made me feel good.
*Steve brought me back a very fun bag from Equador…I love it!

5 Magazines you subscribe to:
I only subscribe to 1…LUCKY

I don’t know anyone else that blogs that hasn’t done this already…so I guess this branch of the tree ends here.

Choices

2005-08-12T10:42:00.000-07:00

Isn’t it amazing to think that one little decision can affect the REST OF YOUR LIFE!!! When I really think about it…it makes me not want to make ANY decisions. I think that is because I have seen the decisions that I have made that I would have done so differently. I know hindsight is 20/20, and I know that God’s plan is better than mine…but what if I would have chosen things differently?!?!? Where would I be? Would I be happier? God allows us choice. It’s easy to think that the grass is greener on the other side, but it not always is. That has made me so gun shy on decisions. When I think things are bad, or not going my way…I have to remind myself how much worse they could be. But what if they could be better…I will never know. I don’t want to look back at life and think I have made the wrong decisions, but that is how I feel today. So far from where I THOUGHT I would be. So far from Contentment. A couple of days ago I was talking to Steve about this. He said he doesn’t think we will truly be content until we get to heaven. I quickly disagreed, listing people that are happy. But come to find that our definition of contentment is different. I view contentment as a rung under happy. He views contentment as the ultimate place of rest and peace. So according to his definition I guess I would agree. No matter how happy you are with your career, or family, or possessions…there will always be something that fails you. Fails all of us. We are human. This is a fallen world. I can’t wait to be the kind of content that my husband talks about. How amazing Heaven will be! But I feel like I have A LOT of life here on earth…Lord willing. So I guess the quest for happiness on this earth continues. I have been hung up lately on wishing I could start over. I wish I could go back to registration for my first semester at college where I decide what my major is going to be. But…then that means all of the drama that went a long with college and beyond…and all of my struggles. I wouldn’t want to go through that again. But I think I would still choose that…because it’s a bad place to be when you feel that at 27 your life is over. This isn’t really how I feel…but kind of. It makes me NUMB. I feel very sorry for myself. I don’t know what is going to make me feel differently. There will be something. I BELIEVE IT. I just wish it would come soon. This 3+ year valley has made me VERY tired. I want to feel alive. I want to be excited to get up every day. And some days I feel that…and it is intoxicating. I WANT MORE. But it goes away. I want my husband to know the woman that I really am. But I am terrified he will never meet her. But through this all…I have faith that one day it will change. One day I will get there. Even though there are instances where I just feel mad at God…I know that I know that I know…one day I will look back at this and thank God for what he has brought me through. In the meantime, I continue to walk this valley anxiously searching for the mountain to climb.

Baseball...

2005-07-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about Major League Baseball...but I LOVE IT!!! I love everything about it. There's nothing better than the sound of the crack of a bat in the summertime. I love the preparation of the field. I love the enthusiasm on the faces of kids when it's their first time to the ballpark. I love the meticulous planning that goes behind each pitch. I love the signs that the coaches make when communicating with the players. I love when the baseball players horse around with each other in the dugout. I love the cheers from the entire stadium when your team make a great play. I love getting to know the players through various television and newspaper interviews. I love it's history. I love that it's an escape from reality. I don't understand the people that think baseball is slow. I just say that they must not be intelligent enough to appreciate the sport. MAN I LOVE BASEBALL!!!!

Happy Birthday Tonia!

2005-07-27T16:04:00.000-07:00

Ang&ToniaFun
Originally uploaded by AJ Fabulous.

Today is my dear friend Tonia's birthday. We were roommates all throughout college and she is one of my most favorite people EVER! Isn't she GORGEOUS!!! I love ya T!

Instafriends

2005-07-27T15:52:00.000-07:00

Don't you love when you meet someone new...and you just click. I love the excitement of wanting to spend a lot of time with them to learn all about them. I like when that happens...it's like an unexpected gift!

5 years!!!

2005-07-25T15:56:00.000-07:00

Today marks 5 years at Flicker!!! In a way time has flown by...and in another way it feels like this has been my life FOREVER! But it has been a good 5 years with it's normal ups and downs. I am reminded of my owners who I would do anything for because they are AMAZING guys! I would have NEVER guessed I would have been here for 5 years...but I would have thought that about any job. I was so used to 4 years of high school...4 years of college...so 5 years just seems CRAZY!!! So here's to Flicker, and all the things I have learned. It will be interesting to see what's in store in the next 5 years.

CHAOS!

2005-07-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

Are there times in your life when you are just BUSY!?!?! I am going through one of those times right now. And it’s really not bad….it just feels a little chaotic. My husband and I both have jobs where we travel on a semi-regular basis. I love to travel! But now that I am married…it’s not as fun when I can’t go with Steve. I just miss him. Anyways, these past several months we have been on the go quite a bit. From Chicago to Destin to Cleveland, Erie, Indianapolis, LA, Denver, Columbus, Louisville, South Bend, Waterloo Iowa, Milwaukee, etc!!! Throw 2 weddings into the mix where I was a bridesmaid in both, and it is just CRAZY! It has all been fun, but I feel like I am getting NO time with Steve. So I got back from California on Sunday night (he wasn't able to go with me), and said that I would only hang out with my husband these 7 days. He leaves for Equador on Monday, and I leave for St. Louis. But in the process of putting my husband first, I feel like I am neglecting my friends. I have a friend that has been trying to get together with me for the past month, and I had to say no to this week as well even though I am at home. Is that BAD?!?!? Usually I would sacrifice to hang out with my friends, but this week…I just CAN’T…well don’t want to. I WANT to hang out with Steve. I guess I feel bad because I hate saying no to people. But this week, I just can’t help it. Oh well, hopefully she will get over it. Starting Monday, I won’t see Steve for 9 days, so I feel like it is a good excuse…but I still feel bad. Kind of. It’s also kind of freeing. For once I’m putting my desires first…which makes me feel INCREDIBLY selfish. What is scary…is looking at the rest of the year…I don’t feel like it’s going to get any better. There is a lot of travel ahead. And when Steve and I hang out it’s not like we do anything lavish…we just hang out at home, and usually just look at each other while the TV is on. I feel like I can look into his puppy dog brown eyes all day long! I am very excited for him to go to Equador, but I don’t know if I will be able to talk to him. I just realized that I haven’t gone a day without talking to him…well…since before we started dating over 3 years ago. But I guess it’s the sacrifice you make when you go on a mission trip to South America. His company is trying to get him an international cell phone which would be FABULOUS! I just miss him already. I feel busy…I feel chaotic. I just want to go away with him and lay on a beach somewhere. That sounds nice. But the chances of that happening in the next 3 years is probably slim to none! Just thinking about it all is making my head spin!

My new job...the pool manager.

2005-06-26T09:09:00.000-07:00

Steve and I bought our first house this past December. It is perfect for us…and I LOVE IT! With the house…came an above ground pool. Steve and I were excited because of HOW HOT AND HUMID it gets here in the summertime. So April rolls around and we don’t really know what to do with the pool. It has a cover on it…there’s water in it…we have no clue what to do. Luckily Steve found all the papers for the pool, and he called the company that the previous owner of the house bought it from. They recommended someone to come “open the pool”. I didn’t even know there was such a thing. Like it’s a ceremony or something. We should mark it on the Calendar and hold our hands on our hearts while they take the cover off. So the pool guy comes to our house. Of course Steve is out of town on business, so I’m supposed to soak up all the information of what to do. Well…he put together our filter…and it works! He starts to take off the cover, but there is some water on top…from all the torrential downpours in the winter. So he says he will leave the pump with me, and come pick it up in the morning. Then he recites a list of chemicals I am supposed to get. As he is reciting the list…I am noticing that the pool is an interesting shade of green…

When Steve returned from his trip, I told him the list. So one day I make my way to Leslie’s and ask for all of these things that I’m not even sure what they are. First of all…chemicals are expensive…pools are EXPENSIVE!!! I managed to spend $150 on chemicals that day…a couple days after paying the pool guy $125 for opening it. Then in talking to my dad…who was a pool manager to our pool growing up…and whom I should have paid VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO…told me I need to shock the pool before putting all these chemicals in. So off to the pool store again…for Shock. So…we put in the Shock. We wait for the next day to put in 15 pounds of baking soda…8 pounds of conditioner…chlorine…and Super Algaecide (as if algaecide wasn’t enough). Okay…that should do it. We should be good to swim in a couple of days. The next day…the pool is BLUE!!! HOORAY!!!! But it’s a little foggy…we can’t see the bottom. But we also just dumped in 100 pounds of white powder…so I think it’s okay. The next weekend we go to Chicago for 3 days. When we return…much to our surprise…the pool is that shade of green…AGAIN!!!!!!! So the next morning…Steve gets a Mason Jar and fills it with pool water to take to Leslie’s. When he takes the water out…it is crystal clear! No joke…looks like it came straight from the tap. We are scratching our heads. No clue. So he takes it to the pool store. The guys says…that’s water is perfect and safe to swim in. NO WAY…I’m not getting into the green lagoon! He asks us if we’re SURE that it looks GREEN. HELLO…how would you mistake that!?!?!? So he suggests a couple of things, so we dump $50 more into chemicals. This time it’s Acid Plus and Hardness something or other. 2 days later…SAME! So we decide to shock it again. The next day…YAY…it’s BLUE!!! But the pool guy did say to get in and scrub the sides and bottom. So I bravely get into the murkiness and brush for 2 hours. By the way…half way through, the pin that was holding the brush to the pole…magically disappeared…so I had to spend the last hour scrubbing the bottom with my foot guiding the brush.

We decide to call the pool guy who opened out pool because the water is still foggy. We told him about what the pool store said to do. He said…you didn’t need that…they were just trying to get you to buy something. GOSH…just mess with the suckers that don’t know anything about pools. I mean heck…I can’t think of anything better that I would like to spend $50 on!!! We asked if he could come and access the situation. He said…”I would…but that will cost you $70.” We decided to take a pass. But he said maybe we should try some liquid that will clear up the fogginess. That’s another $30 at the pool store. They probably know us by name now…and laugh when they see us coming thinking…”suckers”.

We put the clearness in…doesn’t help. I decide to get back in and scrub again since it’s been 3 weeks since the first brush. Well…let’s just say that there is A LOT of algae still in there. It tossed up so many particles…I almost freaked out!!! That was on Sunday. I guess I should mention that on top of all of this…our weekly routine is 3 tablets of Chlorine and 2 capfuls of super algaecide. Well…this morning…looked at the pool. It looks the same. Murky. It’s been 2 months…we’ve spent over $300 and no swimming. And for some reason…I noticed that our filter is running lower than it is supposed to. What’s next?!?!?!? Probably another $300! If you’d like to donate to Steve and AJ’s pool fund…please make checks payable to…just kidding. So are we the only ones who can’t figure this out? Does anyone have ANY IDEAS?!?!?!

Me, Dad & Ice Cream!

2005-06-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

Me, Dad & Ice Cream!
Originally uploaded by AJ Fabulous.

I wanted to send an update on my dad's condition. My dad went in to meet with the doctor yesterday to discuss his first blood tests since he has been doing intravenous chemo. He has been doing the intravenous chemo for 10 weeks. They have been gauging his protein levels though this whole process. When he was doing oral chemo the doctor was hoping to get my dad's levels below 400. They were originally somewhere around 2000.
A normal person's levels are under 80. The doctor said if he could get his protein levels below 400 he would make a good candidate for a stem-cell regeneration or a bone marrow transplant. At best, his protein levels got down to about 550 before they hiked back up above 1300 when the doctor decided to go to the intravenous chemo. He has been doing this new chemo that not many people have taken, so it was all going to be taking it 1 day at a time and pretty experimental. My dad's doctor is very fact based...believes in science. Whenever my sweet mom would say that she was expecting a miracle, he would kind of frown upon that. So this leads us to yesterday...

My dad met with the doctor. The doctor told my dad that his protein levels were at 139!!!! In 10 weeks! The doctor wasn't quite sure what that means. He definitely wasn't expecting that. This time when my mom said that it was a miracle...HE AGREED! So for now, he continues with the chemo to make sure it stabilizes and doesn't jump back up again. But the doctor said that my dad might not even need a stem-cell regeneration of a bone marrow transplant. So needless to say, it has been a celebration for my family! But we continue to pray that he keeps responding to the chemo. And even though the doctor has said he will never be cancer free because of the type of cancer, we still believe that this is possible.

This is a picture of an ice cream date that my dad and I went on at Superior Dairy the last time I was home. I get to go home on July 5th, so I'm sure we will have another famous ice cream date!

Ode to my Friends!

2005-06-17T15:44:00.000-07:00

I am so thankful for all of my wonderful friends…so this is a special warm fuzzy shout out to all my friends who mean so much to me!

*Henry Steven Keatts – The Best Brother Ever! It blows my mind how much you love me. You have always protected me. Even though you are really the only person I have ever felt rage towards, you have truly become a best friend to me. Thinking back on our childhood cracks me up because of how we loved to hate each other. But I am so thankful that it all changed when I got to high school and we became really close. I wish that one day we could live in the same place again. I admire your love for our youth and making a difference in their lives. I am so proud that you are an elementary school teacher. I LOVE YOU!

*Ryanne Brown – You were my first closest friend. I will always treasure that. I don’t think I really knew what a friend was until I met you. I cherish the friendship that we had growing up. I loved how close our families were, and your parents were really second parents to me. I hope that we can continue to be friends. I would pay big money to spend a couple of days with you catching up!

*Bryan Eidal – You were my first close guy friend. I have lost touch with you, but you were one of my best friends in high school. I can’t imagine what high school would have been like without you. Thanks for watching out for me, and caring for me, and being interested in me and my feelings. And for helping me be a kick butt water polo player!

*Michele Rahn – I have lost touch with you, but am distraught about it. I want to get back in touch and be great friends with you again. I think of you so much. You always made me laugh! I have treasured memories with you, and do not want our friendship to end. You are always on my heart and I think of you and pray for you often.

*Monica “Moses” - You are a fashionista! But you are so much more than that. We have shared so many experiences. Deep conversations, St. Patrick’s Days, not to mention dares. You are an adventurer and I love that about you. You inspire me to live life to the fullest!

*Janet Mitchell – My sweet cousin! I have always looked up to you. I admire you so much. When I was little I wanted to be just like you. You have such a magnetic personality and I am drawn to that. Thanks for loving me so much and showing me an amazing example of a sacrificing mom! You are one person that my heart aches that we don’t spend more time together.

*Jennifer (Ratzlaff) Kirtland – You are the only friend that I have never argued with. We were two peas in a pod. I could spend days and days with you and never get tired of being around you. We were connected at the hip all throughout high school, and when I think back to high school, I can’t really think of a memory without you in it. I love everything about you, and we had so much in common. I know we will always keep in touch for the rest of our lives.

*Melany Bubenik (soon to be Seidel) – You are a treasured friend. You know so much about my heart, and I feel like I know about yours. We have the best conversations and have been through so much together. You were my first spiritual side kick. I felt like we experienced God together. I could talk with you for hours and hours. I’m so excited for your upcoming wedding!

*Kat Davis – You are such a dear friend. You make me happy. I love that you will be silly to just brighten my day or make me laugh. I love how our friendship is low maintenance. Even if a long amount of time has passed since the last time we have talked or seen each other, we can just pick up where we left off. I feel so comfortable with you and trust our friendship so much. I know that whatever I tell you will be held in confidence, and that means the world to me. I value your opinion so much. Whenever I’m around you, I feel completely loved…and that’s such a wonderful feeling.

*Elizabeth Jackson – I don’t know if I’ve ever connected with someone else so quickly. I’ve definitely never trusted someone so quickly. I instantly felt comfortable with you. You have such a sweet spirit that is so attractive. I just want to be around you because of it! You are so REAL, and that is so inspiring. I wish I could be more real with people. I also love that you are such a passionate person. When there is something that is important to you, you are behind it 110%. And you are not afraid to express your passions with others. I miss having you in Nashville!

*Tonia East – I don’t even know the words to describe my dear friend Tonia. You are a kindred spirit. I feel like my soul is attracted to your soul. We have a connection that I can not describe. We can be silly together, and have dance parties, but we can also be very serious. You have walked with me through the toughest time in my life. I will always be grateful to you for that. You have definitely seen all of me, and a lot of my friends haven’t. I look to you for wisdom and guidance and trust it. Your opinion has always meant so much to me. I know that we will always be close and our families will be close. You are family to me!

*JoAnna The Glamorous – My traveling partner! I love roaming this country with you! And hopefully one day we will go international! Beyond that, you are an AMAZING WOMAN. I look up to you so much. I feel like we relate on so many levels. Thank you for stretching me…and asking me tough questions…and loving me through it. I love how you can be silly and serious. There’s no one else that I just love to gab with about pop culture…and life. You are the true definition of a friend. I know you would sacrifice anything for me if I needed it. That overwhelms me…and makes me feel loved.

*MaryBeth Stephens – My Sweet B! My partner in crime! I always know I’m up for a good adventure when I’m with you, because that’s what we do…find adventures! My heart feels at home when I am with you or talking to you. Just the thought of you brings the biggest smile to my face. You bring me such joy and happiness. You have the most infectuous laugh. You are everything that is beautiful and good in this world. I love your heart…because it is so caring and loving. I love story time with B…because you always have stories! Although it may never happen, I wish for us to be in the same place. I wish for us to grow old together. It breaks my heart not being able to see you on a consistent basis. You are the sister I never had and my best girlfriend.

*Stephen Kenneth Strout – The love of my life and my Sugarbear! No one loves me like you. I never imagined a love like ours could exist. My heart belongs to you and you only. I never imagined I could feel empty when I am not around you, but it feels like I can’t breathe fully when you are not around. Even when I try to see how far I can push you on certain things, you love me even more and it is incredible. You are so patient with me. All of my troubles dissolve in your affection! I love you forever and this is only the beginning!

And to all of the other people that have held special places in my life…thank you! You have made me who I am. Kimberly McCollough, Melissa Baird, Lisa Leetch, Michelle Sproat, Nikki Vincenti, Holly Olson, Brooke Azares, Lindsey Buckman, Erin Paulsen, Karin Stinton, Anna Smith, Tanya Jackson, Jeff Gustin, Geof Barkley, Kim Nehs, Heather Bolin, Aubrey Dickerson, Chris Poisat, Tony & Sherry Libby, Leslie Wormer…okay this is getting too hard. Don’t hate me if I have missed you and you are special to me. It’s hard to look back over the course of 27 years and come up with all of the special people. But man…I have just realized how blessed I am!

PROUD WIFE!

2005-06-16T10:38:00.000-07:00

Okay...so I am going to brag on my husband for a bit. I already know that he's a brilliant writer...and a creative genius...and practically a baseball historian (even though he would deny that)...but this story proves it! A couple of months ago Steve told me about this contest he was thinking about entering. It is a Fantasy Baseball contest put on by Yahoo. Basically...you have to write essays about certain topics in baseball, and the top 12 will be selected to play the 2nd half of the baseball season in Fantasy Baseball. The winner gets a monetary award, plus a 1 year job with the San Francisco Giants. I told him he should DEFINITELY go for it! It is a dream of his to work for a major league baseball organization. So he wrote his essays, and emailed them away. The top 25 would know by the end of April. End of April came and went and nothing. OH WELL! At least he submitted something. Fast forward to middle of May, Steve is in Dallas, I just got back from a promo tour, and there were 3 stickers on our door from Fed Ex. So I go to pick up whatever is being sent during my lunch break. I am a little disappointed when I find it is just a folder from Minnesota! I was thinking maybe we got a fun package from a family member or friend. It was addressed to Steve, so I called him in Dallas to see if he wanted me to open it since he wouldn't be home for another 2 days. It was from some marketing group. He didn't know who it was...so I just opened it. IT WAS FROM YAHOO! He had made the top 25! One problem...the deadline to return your resume was YESTERDAY! So they Fed Ex'ed it Thursday to arrive at our home on Friday and now we are at Tuesday. But it was due Monday! What kind of company gives you the weekend to do this, without notifying you over phone or email??? So I call Steve back in a panic. It was already due! Luckily there was a phone number so I gave it to Steve and he called the woman. He calls me back 5 minutes later to tell me that the committee is meeting this afternoon if we can fax a resume to them ASAP. WHAT?? I just finished my lunch break, Steve's in Dallas, and his resume is on our computer at home 20 minutes from the office!!! SHOOT! Oh well...luckily I work with cool people who let me go home to fax his resume. Hopefully it got there in time!

Fast forward to yesterday...5:51pm to be exact. My husband calls. He asks what I'm doing. I tell him just finishing the last 10 minutes of work. Then it comes..."So, I got a phone call today". Instantly I think OH GREAT...what NOW!?!? (His family has been having a rough time, so I assumed it was something with his family.) He said..."Yahoo called...I made the final 12". Just as non-chalant. I scream..."WHAT!!!!!" He said that the guy left him a message, and then he left the guy a message, so he doesn't know details. BUT MY STROUTY HAS MADE THE TOP 12!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM SO PROUD OF HIM!!!! Later in the evening, the guy calls Steve back. What I want to know is HOW MANY PEOPLE ENTERED. So I'm standing right next to Steve trying to hear what the guy is saying...and I keep nudging him saying..."ask him how many people". So finally Steve gets around to it. Well...OFF THE RECORD...more than 20,000 people applied. That's right...that's not a typo...20,000!!! AND HE IS IN THE FINAL 12!!!!!!!!!!! He's just excited he gets to play Fantasy Baseball. MY HUSBAND IS THE SMARTEST MAN IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!!!! And I want to shout it from the mountaintops! I'm so excited for him...and obviously SO VERY PROUD!!!

Music Madness

2005-06-14T14:26:00.000-07:00

Glamorous Jo has passed the "musical baton" on to me. Glam Jo is the most Glamorous woman in the WORLD! Since I want some of her Glamour to rub off onto me, I guess I will give it a shot…even though I know that after I post my answers…I will come up with other music I should have put on the list, and let it eat at me for the next week. I’ve changed it up a bit…because I like Categories when it comes to music. I hate doing this off the top of my head…but here’s goes!

**Total volume of music files on my computer(s):
Hmmm…that is on my husband’s computer…but my ipod says I have 1671 songs on it.

**The last CD I bought was:
Steve just bought Coldplay which I really like. For my birthday I got Anna Nalick and Tegan & Sara which are both great albums!

**Song playing right now:
“Breathe (2am)” – Anna Nalick

**Five songs I listen to a lot at the moment:
1. “Whatever You Want To Do” – Jennifer Lopez
2. “Come On Closer” – Jem
3. “Wouldn’t Like Me” – Tegan & Sara
4. “Yahweh” – U2
5. “Stereo” – 4th Ave Jones

**Five songs that mean a lot to me:
1. “Feels Like Home” - Chantal Kreviazuk
2. “Push” - Sarah McLachlan
3. “This is Your Life” – Switchfoot
4. “Nothing” – Chasing Furies
5. “Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” - Aerosmith

**Five songs that get my booty shakin’:
1. “Play” – Jennifer Lopez
2. “Hey Mama” – Black Eyed Peas
3. “Crazy in Love” – Beyonce f/ JayZ
4. “Karma” – Alicia Keys
5. “Hey Ya” - Outkast

**Five songs that rock:
1. “Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me” – U2
2. “One Step Closer” – Linkin Park
3. Pillar’s version of “Sunday Bloody Sunday”
4. “Salvation” – The Cranberries
5. “My Sacrifice” - Creed

**Five songs that I like a lot but didn’t fit into any of these categories:
1. “Yesterday” – The Beatles
2. “Come Away With Me” – Norah Jones
3. “Everything Will Be Alright” – The Killers
4. “Clocks” – Coldplay
5. “Taboo” – Mancy A’lan Kane

Okay…that’s it! I already know I’m missing some great songs that I love. Oh yeah…and feel free to laugh at my musical taste…YES…Creed is on my list. Come on…you all knew you liked them when it was cool to like them…even though now you will vehemently deny it. I don’t know anyone else that blogs…so I guess the baton gets passed on to oblivion. This was fun…and STRESSFUL! But mostly FUN!

Desperate

2005-06-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think I was meant to be the 6th character on Desperate Housewives. But then I remember I’m not a housewife. That…and my marriage is great. So maybe I wouldn’t be a good character afterall. But I sure am desperate. I looked up the meaning of desperate. The dictionary says:

a. having lost hope
b. giving no ground for hope

This led me to look up despair.

despair - to lose all hope or confidence.

That sounds about right. Since Monday I have just been down on life. I feel so lost and desperate. I am restless. Just when I thought I found a place of contentment at work…I am restless again. I have been feeling this way on and off (mostly on) for over 2 years now. And it is SO ON right now. I had a serious talk with God…OUTLOUD…on my way home from work yesterday. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t know where I want to go. I’m just lost and need direction…DESPERATELY. I feel like I don’t make a difference in this world. But for some reason, I feel like I was meant for more. I feel like God has given me gifts that I should be using…but I don’t know what those gifts are…and I don’t know what I was meant to do. I feel like I have been fairly patient. Afterall, I’ve been waiting for some kind of sign or direction for over 2 years. And I’m not looking for grand advice…unless it’s straight from my Creator’s lips. At Church on Sunday we had a couple of guest speakers, and one of the pastors said that he was talking to God in the shower and God answered him back. Right away. I think that started the frustration. And not that it’s the same for everyone…but it makes me want to tell God…”I’ve been waiting patiently for over 2 years and nothing…when that guy asks…it’s immediately responded to”. But I know it doesn’t work that way. I’m trying to keep patient. But each day that goes by I feel like I lose a little more hope. In the past I have always felt a slight nudge that I know was straight from God. I guess I’m waiting for that again. In the meantime, I do everything I can to not slip down the slippery slope of depression. I can handle despair and desperation…but depression…SCARES ME SO BAD. I don’t want to go back there again. Instantly I am flung into emergency reaction mode. All of the mind exercises that my therapist taught me come back. And I go through them in my head…and I’m okay. Sort of. Then I have to start them all over again 5 minutes later…and tell myself I’m okay. And pretend I’m okay to the outside world. And just type HA HA HA when someone IM’s me to make it look like I’m okay.

But then I am fine the next day. And then the next day the cycle begins again. I think it’s a mental game. All I know is it’s one game I don’t like to play. I just have to be mentally tough when some days I just want to melt into the earth and just disappear for no one to ever find me and hope they will just forget I was ever there. But that’s not realistic. I just want to feel alive. Feel like I have a purpose. Is that too much to ask for. I just want to be happy…heck…I would settle for content. I wish I wasn’t a big dreamer…because then I wouldn’t be disappointed. Because right now I am disappointed with my life. And that is sad. I’m sure there are people out there that are envious of my life. Then I feel sad for some celebrities…because they have “MADE IT BIG” in the eyes of the world…yet they are as sad and lost as I am. I say that to make myself think that if my career dreams in life were to come true…I might still feel as unfulfilled as ever. And I know that God is the only thing that can satisfy me…and he does. I feel like I am at a very good place in my faith…is it bad to want more. I want to be used. It’s not like I’m asking for money or celebrity. I just want to feel that I have purpose and make a difference in people’s lives. That’s all I have to say…I feel like I’m talking in circles now. Ugh…desperation creeps in again.

Hot Flash

2005-06-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

(Warning…this blog may get a little graphic…enjoy!) Guys have it SO EASY. I remind my husband of this regularly. They don’t have to have periods…they don’t have to deliver children (not that I know what it’s like…but I can imagine based on what friends have told me)...they don’t have to go through menopause, etc. I really shouldn’t complain. I don’t get cramps, I don’t have to put on a heating pad, my periods don’t last long and aren’t heavy. But about twice a year I will have heavy periods. Today my good ole’ friend TOM (Time Of Month) came for his monthly visit. I had to stop by Walmart on the way to work to pick something up, and while I was paying…I felt him coming. I needed to get to work IMMEDIATELY. I drive like a grandma usually, but today was the quickest trip I have ever made from Walmart to work. Ahhh…there’s nothing like the feeling of a fresh tampon. But something was telling me that today was different. That this period was going to be the granddaddy of them all. And it is all that and more. I don’t get headaches…I have a headache…it feels like someone is ripping out my insides and pulling my ovaries out of my body. I feel like my head is somewhere else and I am floating. Everytime I stand up the blackness creeps in like I’m about to pass out, but then just as it’s about to turn all black the light comes back. The room feels like it’s spinning around me. My neck is weak…my legs are weak…come to mention it my whole body is weak. My fingers are tingling. Basically I just want to go home…lay on a couch under a blanket and sip hot chocolate. Whenever people step into my office…the most common sentence that comes out of their mouths is “It feels like a sauna in here”. So I call my office The Sauna. I like it hot. I get cold easy, so I’m always wrapped in a blanket at home, or have my heater blasting at work. Yes…even in July!

So this afternoon…one of my bosses comes into my office to have me come listen to an artist sing some songs to get a radio perspective. So I walk down the hall. They start singing the first song. CRAP…I have to go to the bathroom RIGHT NOW!!! But I can’t run out of the room to my office to get a tampon and high tail it into the bathroom. I can’t wave at them and yell STOP so I can momentarily run to the bathroom and change my tampon. So I just smile as they are singing…thinking…”WHEN IS THIS SONG GOING TO END SO I CAN LEAVE”. But my boss proceeded to have them play 5 SONGS. 5 SONGS!!!! After the 1st song…everyone in the room was like…it’s freezing in here. Normally I would be the one saying that. But I was sitting there sweating like a PIG. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME??? I think to myself…”I’M HAVING MY FIRST HOT FLASH”. THIS CAN’T BE HAPPENING!! And it felt like blood was going to start dripping down my leg at any minute. But I’m trying to act cool and calm and give my opinion of the song…so I just cross my legs as I’m standing JUST IN CASE. They are still talking…but I can’t stand it ANYMORE…I politely walk out the door…okay…maybe it wasn’t politely…I just left. I high tail it to my office to get a SUPER tampon. Just as I reach for my purse a co-worker comes in and says “Do you want to hang up your wipe board now…or tomorrow. I wanted to shout…”I DON’T CARE…JUST LET ME GET MY TAMPON AND GET IN THAT BATHROOM!!!!” But I just said…”Why don’t we do it tomorrow”. He continues to talk…STOP TALKING! I just smile…and he finally turns around and leaves…I grab a tampon and head for the bathroom. CRAP…there’s my boss…LEAVE ME ALONE…just as he is about to say something I just BRISKLY SLAM OPEN the door to the bathroom and ignore him. THANK GOODNESS I MADE IT BEFORE THE BLOOD EXITED MY BODY…but it was just on the verge. That has to be one of the worst feelings in the world! Ahhh…relief again! I notice that the sweating is ceasing…but my armpits are soaked. Luckily I have a shirt on that you would NEVER notice. I wash my hands and head back to the office. My boss immediately enters and wants to know the stats of a song at a certain station. I am obviously frustrated. I just want to be left alone in my PERIOD MAYHEM! He asks…”Are you okay”. I said…do you REALLY want to know. He said…yes. Sometimes I need to be a little more candid. I just blurted…”I am having the worst period of my life…and I think I just had my first hot flash”. He paused…not knowing what to say…then finally said…”Maybe you’re pregnant”. (He always likes to say this to me for some reason.) I said rather loudly…”There is A LOT of blood coming out of my body…I don’t think I’m pregnant”. DON’T GUYS KNOW WHAT HAVING A PERIOD IS?!?!?!? HE’S MARRIED…COME ON!!! Maybe there’s something I don’t know…but I figure if there is A LOT of blood coming out of my body…I can safely assume I am not pregnant! Stop assuming! Again...he was speachless. All he managed to say was...I'm sorry. By the way…DID I MENTION THAT I AM A LITTLE MOODY! I am freezing again all of a sudden…on comes the heat!

Big City Girl...in a Small City

2005-06-07T15:57:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Chicago on Saturday. I have been fortunate to have gone to Chicago twice in 6 weeks. I LOVE Chicago. I love that you can get wherever you need to go without a car. I love the idea of living in a big building…and seeing an amazing skyline everyday. I LOVED living in LA. I wish you could get around LA without a car…but that’s impossible. I have only spent 24 hours in NYC, and LOVED it. I really think I was meant to be a big city girl. I love everything about the Big Cities. BIG business…BIG buildings…lots to do…great shopping…lots of sounds…lots of activity. Great food…no…FABULOUS FOOD! Lots of opportunity to meet new people. Then I wonder what the heck I am doing in a small suburb of Nashville. And I do love it. I love the quietness…I love the genuineness of the people…I love the slow pace of life…I love how it’s family oriented…I love the COST OF LIVING. But I long for the big city. I don’t know why. Sometimes I think if I moved to a big city…I would miss the little city…actually I know I would. I think I’m worried that my window of opportunity is coming to a close to living in a big city…and maybe that’s what makes me long it even more. I know I don’t want to raise a family in a big city…I just want to be a big city girl for like a year or two. An even bigger dream would be to do it in Europe! But I know there’s NO WAY I’ll ever convince my husband of that. (Because I’ve already tried!) I love being married…it’s the best! I love my husband more than anything else on this earth…but I mourn being independent and selfish. I mourn that I can’t just go wherever I want whenever I want anymore. And I’m sure I could…but that would make me the kind of wife I DON’T want to be. I don’t know wherever all of this leaves me. Confused…and full of day dreams. I guess that’s not all that bad.

Adventures in Cooking

2005-05-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

So Steve and I bought a very pretty cookbook in the bargain books at Borders. It is for lowfat easy to make meals. I find myself in a rut of always making the same thing. And for the past couple of years I have been living off of Weight Watchers Smart Ones meals. But I want to cook more. It’s just hard working all day, getting home at 6:30pm and being motivated to cook something when we can just pop a meal in the microwave. Especially since Steve is always starving at 6:30pm. I REALLY enjoy cooking and have the time on the weekends, but just haven’t. So the journey is going to begin. At least on the weekends. I am still not committing to weeknights. Maybe if I can find some things that are easy that will inspire me. But now, I have hundreds of recipes to fish through. I’m so excited!

My Linguistic Profile

2005-05-20T14:45:00.000-07:00

Your Linguistic Profile:

80% General American English

10% Yankee

5% Dixie

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

Broken Heart

2005-05-20T14:36:00.000-07:00

I never thought I could get a broken heart from work...but now I know...you can. And it hurts!

Most Likely to Succeed (Part 2)

2005-05-11T15:57:00.000-07:00

Isn’t it every girl’s dream to go back to their 10 year high school reunion looking smoking hot!?!? Why does it really matter? I guess because when people go back to their reunions, they go to see who looks good, who got fat, who is bald, etc. Sure we go to see our old friends, but let’s be honest…we are human…we are interested in these things. When I was in high school, I was thin and athletic. NEVER worried about my weight…EVER. Man…to go back to those times! It all changed in college. I gained the freshman 15…and sophomore 20. All of a sudden 4 years later I found myself 40 pounds heavier than when I graduated high school. Of course since I have been looking forward to this reunion for so long…I knew I had to do something. I didn’t want to be the one to go back that they whisper behind my back…”Oh she has packed on a few!”. I know it’s vain…I can’t help it. I want all the guys I had crushes on to think to themselves, “Man…why didn’t I ask her out”. (Side note: EVERY formal I went to…I asked the guy. Except 1. That was my senior year…and a freshman asked me…and I went with him!) And I want all the girls to be jealous. Especially the Homecoming Queen that I clashed with. What is it in us that makes us think this way? I guess we (or I) feel the need to always prove something to someone. I LOVE the movie “Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion”. And YES I have contemplated what my “Post It Note” will be. I want to look smart…I want to look successful…I want to look HOT!

So I have started my regiment. It actually started in January. I feel like I am in a good routine. I am shaping up and counting down the months to the reunion. I am accessing different work out programs to see what will stick. I love to run…so that isn’t going away. I am just trying to figure out how to tone. It is a lot of fun. I love fitness…but as I get older…the harder I have to work for the results. I think I have been so focused on it because I have seen results. Like with my earlier post talking about career…that is completely out of my control. For the most part. I can’t MAKE things happen no matter how hard I try. But with my body…I can for the most part…control it. I feel the need to control something…so I guess this is a good outlet. Hopefully.
So 17 months to my D-Day. I CAN’T WAIT! I don’t know why I’m thinking so much about this…this far in advance. I guess it’s something that motivates me…and something to look forward to. So let’s raise our glasses and toast to Looking Hot and Feeling Confident! Maybe if I say it enough…I will start to believe it.

Most Likely to Succeed (Part 1)

2005-05-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

I have been having such issues with my self-confidence lately. It has been so weird. My whole life I have always been a self-confident person. I have always felt confident in my abilities, and have felt smart. Not like genius smart, but intelligent. (I can already tell this blog entry is going to be a stretch because I don’t want to come across as sounding full of myself in any way.) I have always had issues with self-esteem…but my self-confidence has always been solid. Not lately…I guess I would say the last 2 years in particular have been really hard. It seems to get worse each day that passes.

My 10 year high school reunion is coming up a year from October. I have been prepping for this since the day I left high school. You know how every senior class votes for people to be “Most Likely to Succeed” or “Best Couple” or “Best Eyes”. I was nominated “Most Likely to Succeed”. I was THRILLED! I guess they voted for me because I was student body president, captain of the swim team, vice president of the Spanish club, FCA, Aquatics Club, etc. Basically accolades GALLORE. THE OVERACHEIVER. Therefore I knew I would spend the next 10 years SUCCEEDING to prove to everyone that I was successful. I mean I had to live up to it…right?!? And the first 5 years out of high school I was doing great! President of my sorority, Head New Student Orientation Counselor (a coveted role at my college), etc. I volunteered for SEVERAL organizations. Then I graduated…and moved to Nashville to work for the Christian Music Industry, before I started my real career. (I thought working for a record label would be such a fluff job…boy was I wrong!) My plan was to be here for 3 years, then continue with my career in broadcast news. (That’s what my major was.) At the 3 year mark…I had met Steve. So all the plans of going back to California diminished. And I’m okay with it…but it sure threw a wrench in MY plans. And then there’s my job. I like it…I love it…I DO…most of the time. And I love Flicker, everything we stand for and our artists. But being the radio promoter (and over-achiever by nature) it has taken a toll on the ego. No…not ego…much worse…self-confidence and self-worth. I go to other radio promoter’s offices (including my husband’s), and there are #1 plaques EVERYWHERE. Or they can rattle off…I have 21 #1’s. And they have been doing this half as long as me. What do I have to show for my 5 years…NOTHING! A BIG GOOSE EGG. You might as well stamp the big L on my forehead…because I’m a LOSER. Sometimes I’m tempted to tell future artists…”DON’T SIGN WITH FLICKER IF YOU WANT A #1 AT RADIO…BECAUSE I’M SURE I WILL SCREW IT UP”. Wait…what happened to the Student Body President who could do ANYTHING????? I know life isn’t about accolades and resume builders and #1 plaques…and maybe I put too much stock in those things. Maybe God led me to Flicker to teach me just that. But I just can’t get myself to be okay with it. And instead of being okay with it…I feel less and less intelligent each day. Less and less confident. Less and less creative. Less and less full of life. Instead of being the adventurer full of life…I’m the homebody who might be content going unnoticed. And I don’t like it. I WANT THE ME THAT WAS 5 YEARS AGO TO COME BACK. I would be more fun…people would like me better…I would have more friends. I would be more open…?!?!?!? Maybe. The less confident I feel about myself…the less I want to share of myself with others. Some days there are glimpses of that girl. And I feel SO ALIVE…and so confident…but then she goes away.

I’m so scared to go back to my 10 year reunion as a failure. And right now…that is what I would be. I expected to be well on my way to being the next Katie Couric or Sam Ryan. Now I don’t even think I could do it because my self-confidence is so beaten up. And the sands of time are slipping through the hour glass…oh…so…quickly. I have 17 months to make something of myself. SO WHAT DO I DO???? I NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT! I have always been so great at figuring it out…so great at planning my life. And I know God’s plan is better than mine…but God…SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. I have a megaphone to my ear trying so desperately to hear you. But there has been nothing but silence for 2 years. I have 17 months…DO SOMETHING! I know it’s stupid. I’m sure some of you think I should just not go to my reunion. Or tell me it doesn’t matter. And chances are (even though I wouldn’t want to admit it out loud), I’m sure 99.9% of the people there...meaning everyone but me…won’t even remember that I was the most likely to succeed. BUT IT MATTERS TO ME. Ugh…and the journey continues.

He Gave Me The Ocean...

2005-05-02T15:04:00.000-07:00

A couple of months ago Steve asked me to take my birthday off from work. I didn’t refuse…I’ll take a good excuse for a 3-day weekend. So this past Thursday, the day before my birthday, Steve gave me a card before he left for work. His instructions were not to open the card until he told me to. He is a thoughtful guy, so I was very excited. I knew he had a surprise in store for my birthday, so I assumed this was just to get me excited for whatever he had in store. At work, Troy (my boss) said we would take the afternoon off if I got my work done to go to the movies to celebrate my birthday since I would be gone on my actual birthday. I was excited about all the fun! So I had a meeting at 2pm, and as soon as it was over we would go to the movies. My meeting was here…and my phone rang. It was Steve…I couldn’t get it. About a half an hour later Troy called me into his office, so that I could get out of my meeting and we could be off to our “meeting”…the movies! So I walked to Troy’s office…still haven’t called Steve back…and he was in Troy’s office. Troy said…we weren’t going to the movies. Steve said…”let’s go home to pack a bag, we’re off to Destin!” I had NO CLUE. I was SO EXCITED…and in shock. Inside the card that I didn't get to open before he told me was a brochure for the resort we would be staying at. I get to go to the beach for my birthday! I love the ocean! Being a California-native stuck in Tennessee, any chance to get to the ocean is treasured…and I’m sure my husband hears this WAY…TOO…OFTEN. When I was younger…I sought peace and rejuvenation in the ocean. I never thought I would find true love. I never thought someone would love me so unconditionally I could feel it in every membrane of my body. As we are driving, I am thanking him profusely for a WONDERFUL surprise. He replies with “I wanted to give you the ocean for your birthday…you deserve more…this is the least I could do”. I always thought the ocean was a gift…I had just never had anyone give it to me. Needless to say, it was an amazing weekend! At one point on my birthday, I was laying on the beach, hearing the crash of the waves, watching the endless horizon, smelling wonderful food from the restaurant next door, feeling the wind through my hair, lying next to the man I love. Ahhhh…BLISS! I can’t explain in words how much I love my husband. But what blows my mind even more is knowing how much he loves me. He loves me so much, he gave me the ocean. He may have given me the ocean…but really he gave me a dream I never thought would come true.

My Hiding Place

2005-04-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

Did you ever have a hiding place as a kid? I did. It was in the upstairs linen closet. I would climb on the top shelf and hide behind the blankets. No one would ever find me there. I would go there to just be by myself. I thought I had so much to get away from...when really I didn't have a care in the world. These days I wish I had a cool hiding place where no one could find me. But the only thing that comes close is in the bathroom at work. I just go and sit in a stall...and listen to the silence. Most the times it is really quiet with just the hum of the overhead fan. I just stare at the back of the stall door and sit...and listen...and be. To get away. Technically I know my problems follow me in there...but sometimes they just melt away as the fan hums. I will usually think of the color black...or a black hole...and all of it's nothingness. It's soothing. But after a couple of minutes...I realize I better come back out before people start thinking I am homesick (**note - homesick is a codeword for diarrhea**). The bathroom isn't quite as cool as the linen closet...but it will do for now. One day I will find my linen closet...and my peace.

Watch out for the Popsicles!

2005-04-19T14:05:00.000-07:00

I love popsicles! Always have. At any given time (well at least the spring thru fall here in TN) you can find popsicles in my freezer. Growing up my favorites were Big Sticks, Push Ups, & Mexican Popsicles. We just bought some new popsicles this past weekend. They are Rootbeer Float popsicles. The outside shell is rootbeer flavored, and the inside is vanilla ice cream. I LOVE ROOTBEER FLOATS. Especially Rootbeer blended floats from Sonic! YUM! I was VERY excited to try these new popsicles. So last night as my after dinner treat I got a popsicle. I couldn't wait for the first lick. My lips hit the end of the popsicle...and got stuck. STUCK...STUCK! All of a sudden I remember poor old Finn from The Christmas Story that got his tongue stuck to the flagpole in the winter. I kept saying my lips are stuck to Steve and he just carried on like nothing was going on. It wasn't a big deal, so I didn't make a scene...but I did think it was funny Steve didn't do anything. So I start trying to get saliva to go between the popsicle and my lips. After about 30 seconds the bottom lip was released. I tried to run my tongue around where my upper lip was stuck. No luck. Tried to get saliva around it. No luck. Finally I took a deep breath and pulled. OUCH! There was a hunk of skin on the popsicle. I showed Steve, he couldn't believe it. I asked him why he didn't even flinch when I told him my lips were stuck. I don't even remember what he said...it was either he didn't understand what I was saying, or he thought I was joking. Okay...I have probably eaten THOUSANDS of popsicles in my lifetime...and not once has my lips stuck to the popsicle. LET ALONE IT TAKE A HUNK OF MY SKIN!!! WHAT HAPPENED? I don't want to not eat popsicles, but I don't want hunks of skin from my lips to always get stuck to them. Once I removed the skin (there was also a small chunk on the bottom of the popsicle where my bottom lip was) I thoroughly enjoyed the popsicle. It was everything I thought it would be. I probably could have eaten 5 more! I don't know what happened...I guess I just try again and hope my lips don't get stuck. So beware for the popsicles!

Schmoozefest

2005-04-07T14:41:00.002-07:00

It's almost here...GMA...or Gospel Music Week. Everyone I have been talking to is not looking forward to it, and can't wait until it's over. NOT ME. I LOVE IT. I love a good schmoozefest. I get to see all my radio friends that I talk to on the phone all the time. I get to see the cool people, and the creepy people. I guess it's a good mix. I get to take them out for a meal. I get to hear about their radio station, and what's going on in their lives. I love listening to different people's stories. Especially when I am bored of my own. Anywho...there are things that I love and hate about GMA.

The Things I Love:
1. Seeing fun radio friends
2. Being out of the office
3. Not sitting all day long
4. Good Food
5. Good Music
6. Learning new things about people
7. Spending time with our artists
8. Living by a schedule (I know I'm a freak because this makes me happy! My schedule is even color coded.)
9. Being active.

Things I hate:
1. When you are talking to someone and they are scanning the room for someone better to talk to
2. Messing up my workouts and trying to fit some in during the madness
3. Not enough sleep

So the good outweighs the bad in my book. But...due to GMA I won't be posting for awhile. And that's okay. Funny enough, this has been the most consistent I have been with writing since my high school journal. HAPPY SCHMOOZEFEST!!!

The "Weakness" that I Loathe...kind of

2005-04-05T15:38:00.000-07:00

This time of analyzation takes me WAY back in life. Back to about 6 years old or so. Picture this...a gymnasium...with uneven bars, a vault, balance beams and floors. Girls flipping around on all of this equipment. I was one of those girls! There was nothing more I wanted in life (at that moment) to go to the 1992 Barcelona Olympics and compete in Gymnastics. I trained...A LOT...and HARD! 4 hours a day, 5 days a week. And that was just gymnastics. We also had manditory ballet and tap classes. I guess I did this for 9 years. I was about 2 years away from moving to Texas to train with Bela Karoli. I was pretty good, if I have to say so myself. But when I was 6 was when I first remember training with Mark. Mark was probably in his 30s. He had a mustache. He was TOUGH. And he only trained "CERTAIN" girls. I was one of the fortunate. I also trained with Jeanine and Kathy like everyone else, but there were only a handful of us that had extra training with Mark. I don't really know what all of Mark's accolades were, but he was respected...and FEARED. I feared him! He would YELL at us...to bend further, and try harder and whip around faster...and many girls cried. And that would make him yell louder. He would tell us that crying is for "weak" girls that wouldn't amount to much. Especially not winners. If a girl started crying, he would tell them to leave. He WOULDN'T lower himself to train weak girls. I NEVER cried. I wanted to BE THE BEST. I wanted Mark to lift me into his arms and put me on his shoulder because I accomplished a hard task. That happened once...and it was one of the best feelings in my life! Little did I know that over these years I would incorporate Mark's philosophy on crying into my life. Okay...I admit it...I view crying as a weakness. FOR ME. Not for others...but for me. I know that crying is good, and it's a good release of stress and pent up emotions, and you feel better after crying. And I have cried in my life. I can pretty much recount most of the times that I have cried, and they are few. Now when I say CRY, I mean more than a tear trickling down your face. Like, you have to get tissues and blow your nose and all your make up comes off and you start making noises trying to catch your breath. That I don't do often. I tear up on occasion. I was thinking about it this weekend. It was a hard weekend for me...for other reasons. But I wanted to cry. But I knew I couldn't. And then it kind of hit me. I think I keep myself from crying because it's a form of punishment. I struggle with self-punishment. I "ground myself" from certain foods, or things I like. Why?? I guess to teach myself a lesson. I know if I cry, I will feel better emotionally. But I don't deserve to feel better, so I nip it in the bud, and tell myself I don't deserve it. I AM WEAK IF I CRY. That makes me stop. Even when I found out that my dad had cancer...(which has been my longest cry in almost 6 years) only lasted about 15 minutes. Steve has never seen me LOSE it. He didn't witness any of those 15 minutes. I don't feel like I lost it in those 15 minutes. The last 2 times I remember losing it were at my grandpa's funeral in 1994, and when I got back to the states after living in Italy in August of 1999 and was experiencing reverse culture shock. Those were bad. (Actually there was about 2 months where I battled depression the fall of 1996 that were bad...but I view that as an era and not a day. But those should be counted in the losing it portion.) Part of me wishes I would allow myself to just cry. But I'll let you in on a sick secret...part of me LOVES the fact that I stop myself from crying. I guess it makes me feel tough. I don't know why I need to be tough?? There's no reason. I don't really know the point of this rant. Please don't think I think you are weak because you cry. It's good for you. This rule ONLY applies to me. I don't think any less of my friends and family who cry. But as for me...I choose not to. I'm sure I'll lose it again at some point. Hopefully none of you will be around to witness it...it will be SCARY!

The Stranger in the Night

2005-04-01T15:02:00.000-08:00

A couple of nights ago it stormed...BAD! Those that know me...know I HATE THE RAIN! I hate everything about it...mainly how it makes your hair frizzy. I hate feeling wet when I don't want to intentionally be wet. I hate that it looks gloomy and gray. But there's nothing like driving in terrential downpours!!!! I don't fear much in life. It used to be that my only fear was alligators. But since I have moved to Tennessee my new fear is driving in BAD rain (especially the LOUD THUNDER that goes along with it). In California, we would call rain what I would call sprinkling here. Rain here has HUGE DROPS! I remember the first week I was here in June of 2000. I was getting a new cell phone with a Nashville number. When I entered the Sprint store...it was sunny and clear. I couldn't have been in there longer than a half an hour. My parents were still here from moving me out. We were about to leave the store and it was raining HARDER than I had ever seen in my life. I kind of laughed. We waited for about 2 minutes and it didn't let up. So we decided to run to the car...which was probably 30 feet from the front door of the store. So we ran...and were ABSOLUTELY SOAKED by the time we got in the car. I thought...man it must be a freak storm! (In central California where I am from, it doesn't rain from May until October...so this was VERY peculiar to me.) Little did I know it rains AT LEAST twice a week here in the Summertime. Anyways...back to a couple of nights ago. I was in Green Hills coming home at about 11pm. As I left Green Hills driving south on the 65 I saw all this AMAZING lightning. I have to admit...it was BEAUTIFUL. But that was because where I was...it WASN'T raining. Then it dawned on me, I am about to drive right into that! My stomach started to hurt. I thought well surely it's not that bad. It started sprinkling...I kept driving. It started to rain...I kept driving. The terrential downpour began...I slowed to 25 miles per hour...I kept driving. Lightning was so powerful and so close to me that it knocked out the radio station for a good 10 seconds everytime a big one hit...I begin to get white knuckles...and I kept driving. I then couldn't see the lines on the road...I slowed down to 10 miles per hour...I begin to panic and beg with God to please let it lighten up and to get me home safely...and I kept driving. Normally when rain gets this bad...I pull over to the shoulder for a couple of minutes. But I'm on the freeway...I can't see the shoulder...I don't want to stop in the middle of the freeway and risk getting hit by traffic...and it's 11:20pm and I'm by myself...I kept driving. My eyes started to well up with tears even though I couldn't blink...and I kept driving. FINALLY...my exit! Maybe I will pull into the gas station for a couple of minutes. Then I remember...I'm by myself and it's 11:30pm. So I kept driving. The rain calmed a bit and I could actually speed up to about 40 miles per hour. It stayed that way for the next 10 minutes or so...I was so thankful. I am about 3 miles away from my house...PRAISE THE LORD. My cheeks are damp...I still haven't blinked...my calf hurts because I'm so tense and I keep moving my foot from the brake to the gas to the brake to the gas...and my knuckles are still white. Then I hear the crackle of thunder...oh no...NOT AGAIN. The terrential downpour turned into HAIL! So now I hear this AWFUL noise on the hood and roof of my car to go along with the white knuckles and tense calf muscle. Back to 10 miles per hour. FINALLY I pull onto my street...It's 11:52. What normally should have taken 25 - 30 minutes took 55 minutes! I have NEVER been that terrified in my life. Well...I can think of 1 other time that involved being in an airplane and dropping 2000 feet in 5 seconds and all the oxygen masks dropped from above. But besides that...TERRIFIED. But alas...I am home...why am I still terrified? I was so emotional that I almost started sobbing. I knew Steve would be asleep because he usually goes to bed around 10pm. I get into the kitchen, take off my heels and continue to hear the hail and rain tap on the windows and see the lightning. I make my way up the staircase. It was straight out of a horror movie...I think I could actually hear the eerie music as I walked up the stairs. (It's a good thing I like a good thriller.) As I am about to step into our bedroom...I heard the loudest crack of Thunder followed by an AMAZING flash of lightning that I can only relate to what mega celebrities must deal with when they are on the red carpet. It was blinding. And at that moment...my husband SCREAMED at the top of his lungs. Immediately I yelled..."IT'S ME...YOUR WIFE". And he layed down and I ran into our closest and couldn't help but start laughing. All of a sudden the fear went away...it was kind of nice to follow that up with a good laugh. It was nice to hop into bed and laugh together and cuddle as the downpour continued.

Issues with Fairness

2005-03-31T12:02:00.000-08:00

My whole life I have had issues with fairness. Of course it started with what I thought was sibling preferential treatment. Granted...sometimes this worked to my advantage. But that's another story of pure rage I used to feel towards my brother. I love him more than anything now, that's why I can say that. But before 8th grade...we HATED each other. Anyways...back to fairness. When I was 14 or 15, I used to go out with my brother Henry who is 2 years older than me. So when he was 16 and could drive, we would go over to friends houses to hang out. We stayed out until wee hours of the morning. It was SO MUCH FUN! Bon fires in the summertime with great company and just looking up at the stars until 3am...ahh those were the days! Then I turned 16...and my parents dropped a 10pm curfew on me. Yet...my brother continued to have none. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT! Even if I wanted to ride with my brother and I wasn't driving like before I turned 16...they still wanted me home at 10pm. So I would have to drive seperate because my brother WAS NOT coming home at 10pm. The excuse..."You're a girl". Yeah...and who has taken self-defense? ME...not my brother. And it's our friends house that we always go to...it's not like we are going to raging parties. It all began. For a while my motto was..."Life's not fair". I went on a quest to make life fair. Boy did that FAIL MISERABLY! I guess I have finally come to grips that no matter what I do, life will NEVER be fair. Whether it's questioning why my dad has cancer, why one kid gets grounded for 2 weeks if they get a B on their report card while another kid gets $20 for the same B, or why the person in front of me at the ice cream shop ordered the same thing I did but theirs was twice as big. It enrages me! And I'm sure God has a bigger plan that I don't understand. But why do I dwell on these things FOREVER!?? Why are some people okay with the fact that life isn't fair?? Why do I let it overtake me? If I put in extra time one day at work, I feel like I should go in late the next day. But it doesn't work that way. And I FREAK OUT on the inside. I don't know why I feel so led to be so passionate about life being fair. I wish I wasn't!

"The medicine isn't working..."

2005-03-28T07:23:00.000-08:00

These are words the cancer doctor told my mom this week. 8 months ago tomorrow my dad was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma. It's a plasma cancer that attacks your bones. I don't fully understand it. All I know is that for the past 8 months my dad has been sucking down poison to try and kill the venom that resides in his body. And now...it's not working! Get this...my dad doesn't even know it. My dad went up to Washington to spend some time with his mom (my grandma) who had knee replacement surgery. The doctor called my parents home to tell my dad to come in IMMEDIATELY. Except he won't be home until Thursday. So he is scheduled to see the doctor first thing Friday morning. My mom told me all of this yesterday...Happy Easter to me! Then I was supposed to call my dad to wish him a Happy Easter...and pretend that everything was peachy! Because that's what my family has gotten so good at lately...pretending that everything is okay. And they have told me to not cry, be happy, be positive. I don't know how much longer I can fake it. As I called my grandma's home last night to wish everyone a Happy Easter...I faked it...again. My husband even congratulated me for sounding so positive. I think I should act...because I could definitely win an Oscar for all the FAKING I have had to do lately. Part of me likes faking it...because then I don't have to explain AGAIN that not everything is okay. Who knows...maybe if I fake it long enough...I will actually believe it myself. And people WONDER WHY I AM BORDERLINE DEPRESSED! No...I'm not just SAD...no I'm not just in a BAD MOOD...I'm tettering at the edge of depression. AND NOW THIS?!?! The POISON ISN'T WORKING!!! It was easy to fake it thinking that it was working...NOW WHAT??? I guess they change the medication and start over. Just last month the doctor told my dad everything was going great...and that he was really getting close to recommending him for a stem-cell regeneration. A step that can lead my dad into remission. I don't know what is going to happen now. All I know is that I had to pretend to be happy talking to my dad last night...when I just wanted to hug him and see him and let him know how much I love him and miss him. All the small talk CRAP about the weather was killing me. I just wanted to hear his voice. Don't get me wrong...I love talking to my grandma, and aunt and uncle who were also there...but I just wanted to talk to my daddy! 11 years ago next month, I lost my grandpa (my dad's dad) to lymphoma. I still haven't gotten over that...I can't handle this! I wish life could just be FAIR. Why can't the guy that committed adultery get cancer?!?! Why my dad?!?! A man that is admired by all that know him. A man that is 60 years old that loves the Lord with all his heart and has opened his home to MANY foster children. Why does he have to have cancer?? Why can't the medicine work for him?? And as I sit here writing this, my dad is smiling and laughing with his mom with not a care in the world. Not knowing that the chemo isn't working. And I get to sit here...and fake it...again...while i continue to hear the song in my head that repeats over and over "EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT...EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT." The song I listened to 100 times when he was first diagnosed. I guess it's going back into heavy rotation this week.

Mini Robin Eggs Obsession and other Easter Goodies

2005-03-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

Okay...so this will probably be a little oxymoronic especially considering my last post. But maybe it will help you understand the complexity of my eating struggles. If there's one time of the year I really look forward to...it's EASTER!!! I love EVERYTHING about it. I love the significance...and my redemption because of it. I love thinking back on Easter's in my childhood. I feel like my parents did a good balance of spiritual significance and fun. We ALWAYS went to sunrise service...which meant getting up at like 4am. It always started the day off right...even though I was FREEZING in my new Easter dress next to the lake at 5am. But when we got home there was always an Easter basket waiting for us. Mine usually consisted of a white chocolate bunny, mini robin eggs, cadbury mini-eggs, peeps and much more. And that wasn't counting ALL the candy in the plastic eggs we would hunt for after our regular church service. Then the turkey and stuffing...and YUM!!!!!!!! But what makes me SO HAPPY is EASTER CANDY!!!! I don't get excited about much candy but forget it...Easter Candy is like on a whole other level. Especially Mini-Robin Eggs. Why don't they offer them year round? I mean I guess they are a spin-off from Whoppers...but Mini-Robin Eggs are SO MUCH BETTER. So this year, I have been working really hard about being healthy. I ususally give up something for lent...because I know that lent leads to EASTER (and A LOT of candy). So I try to lose a little weight before to compensate. This year I gave up A LOT. Sweets, deep fat fried foods and caffeine to be exact. This meant, no dessert on Valentines Day. This meant no cookies on St. Patrick's Day. This meant not 1 french fry or 1 chip. But I knew if I made it...the end result would be EASTER CANDY!! And I never slip at Lent. It's like the one time I NEVER cheat. I mean, I can't cheat on God. He sees my EVERY move. But I am obsessed with mini-robin eggs. I bought a bag THE DAY AFTER VALENTINE'S DAY when they rolled out the Easter Candy. You can never be too careful, what if they didn't make enough mini-robin eggs this year. I couldn't risk not having any for Easter. My husband is a sweet-a-holic. He LOVES chocolate and anything sweet. He loves Easter candy as well. He decided he wasn't going to eat sweets either. So last week (week before Easter) we went BIG TIME shopping for Easter Candy. I think we bought out the store. It's probably NOT a good idea to shop for Easter Candy when you haven't eaten sweets in 5 weeks! We bought...Snickers Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, Cadbury Mini-Eggs, a Cookies 'n Cream Bunny (a departure from the White Chocolate Bunny...but I like to try new Easter Candy), M'Azing Snacksize Easter Candy, Marshmallow bunnies & chicks, Dulce de Leche Kisses, etc. That's right...I said etc. That's because I can't even remember everything we bought. That's because I had to hide it. I am fine to look at it...it seems to be more motivation for me, but with Steve, he said, can you please hide it! Ha ha ha...he's too funny. His will-power isn't the best. We are actually stopping at Good Friday instead of Easter because Steve's mom is in town and we want to eat yummy stuff with her before she leaves on Easter. So today (the day before Good Friday) I went to The Puffy Muffin to get some cookies for Daniel from EMI because he made the impossible happen and I promised him cookies if he did indeed make it happen. I had never entered The Puffy Muffin, so I didn't know what was in store for me. THEY HAD FUN DECORATED EASTER COOKIES. I mean, I know I have like 20 pounds of Easter Candy, but a dozen Easter cookies couldn't hurt...right?!?!? Okay...so there are going to be 3 of us. How the heck are we going to eat all of these sweets??? I'm sure we'll manage. But...since I have been super psycho about my weight lately, it will be interesting to see how much I actually eat. Will I forget about my weight for 3 days, or feel guilty? At this moment, I will take the guilt as long as that means getting those MINI-ROBIN EGGS IN MY BELLY!!!! HAPPY EASTER TO ME!!

Mean Girls

2005-03-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

I have seen the movie Mean Girls...and I laughed at most of what went on. But what's scary is people are actually like that. I grew up as one of those girls that were "one of the guys" and always had more guy friends than girl friends. The girl friends that I did have...were great! But on average spent more time hanging out with guys. As I get older, I wonder if my life would be different if I would have told people the way I felt at the moment I was feeling it. I was always afraid to because I was afraid they would think differently of me. Now, I do a much better job...or maybe I just don't care what they think anymore. Which...I'm sure a lot of it comes with age and wisdom. But I wonder what Jill or Geof would have said if I would have told them how I really felt about them. I wish I would have...but at the same time, I think everything happens for a reason. Now, I realize that my friends are more honest with me. But sometimes...it's just MEAN. Of course they don't think they are being mean...but I feel like they are being mean. So I guess I hold a grudge and they have no clue what's wrong. I want to change that...I'm going to change that. Life is too short...I don't want to be surrounded by those people. So...I have a self-esteem issue. Mainly a body image issue. I have struggled with an eating disorder for 9 years. It is under control...but I still call it an eating disorder because I let it consume my thoughts. I haven't done anything unhealthy in the past 4 years. My biggest accomplishment has been losing the 45 pounds that used to be me. Well...at least the last 35. I was on a weight roller coaster for MANY years. In my unhealthy days I was anorexic. I starved myself...and I liked it. It was a combination of control and self-punishment. I would see how many days I could survive on 7 baby carrots and 5 saltines (fat-free of course). I think I reached 25 days. But...I love food too much. So the weight would go up and down and up and down. And yes...I like to be healthy. I LOVE broccoli and green beans and most vegetables. I don't eat beef or pork. But I also love ice cream and cookies and chips and salsa. I do like french fries...I have just convinced myself that I don't because of how fattening they are. I run...and exercise...I guess you could say a lot. I like it...it makes me feel good. But I was still what some people would call overweight. Anyways...all of that to say one day I had to make a choice to lose weight. That means less cookies...less ice cream...portion control. That's what actually changed my life! I didn't realize I was eating SO MUCH. It didn't make sense that I was eating healthy and working out but not losing weight. I was eating TOO MUCH! So for the past 2 years I have worked hard and have lost 35 pounds and kept it off (with minor ups and downs around holidays). For Lent, I gave up sweets, deep fat fried foods, and caffeine. And I feel great about the strides I have made during Lent. Really...there will be a point to this story...hopefully sooner than later. So Saturday I had my weigh in. I was excited...I have worked really hard. 126!!! Three weeks ago I was 132. I haven't been 126 since high school. I was feeling GREAT! HUGE ACCOMPLISHMENT!! And it has been HARD! I have sat at tables at Mexican restaurants (mmmmmm....) where I haven't eaten 1 chip. I have watched friends eat cookies with icing on them right in front of me. THIS IS VERY HARD...even though I try to shrug it off as no big deal. But I did it! I didn't cheat once! And it paid off...I'm 126! So that was Saturday, on Monday my friend IM'd me saying she was having a feel fat day. I responded with "I'm so sorry, I hate those days, they are hard." She immediately responded with, "how would you know, you're thin and healthy, you don't have to deal with it." OUCH! MEAN GIRL!! I started to tell her (since I hadn't before) that I have struggled with my weight for 9 years and that I have lost 45 pounds, and I have worked really hard at it and that it WASN'T easy. All she said was "I have to go" and signed off. OUCH AGAIN!! MEAN GIRL!! Why do I surround myself with this. That really hurt! I'm actually still affected by it 2 days later. I wanted to be unhealthy that night as I sat eating low-point vegetable soup...and I felt guilty about it. I FELT GUILTY ABOUT LOW POINT VEGETABLE SOUP!!! I wanted to starve myself. I know...I have problems. Oh well...I have another friend that was around in the unhealthy days that doesn't believe me when I told her this time I have done it healthy. I can't do ANYTHING to convince her. That hurts too. I also have another friend I hadn't seen in awhile that I had lunch with that said I looked great...but continued with "Should I be worried". I want to scream to EVERYONE..."I HAVE WORKED REALLY HARD...CAN YOU PLEASE BE HAPPY FOR ME." Are they all jealous? What is the deal. Do I make comments that hurt my friends the way they hurt me. I'm sure I do. But I don't know it. Just like I'm sure my friends don't know it when they hurt me. Because I don't tell them. But I am going to start. I have to start by at least saying it. I know people are envious of my size. I KNOW THIS. But that doesn't mean I don't struggle with it EVERY DAY. So for all of you that are reading this. Be nice to the girl that has lost weight. If she's like me...she's more self-concious about it now that she ever has been before. So please try not to be a Mean Girl. I am going to try really hard too! Yet the weight struggle continues...

Who is AJ Fabulous?

2005-03-22T14:43:00.000-08:00

Why do I call myself AJ Fabulous? I mean...it is fun. I guess that's why I do it. My friend called me AJ Fabulous once, and I wanted it to stick SO BAD so that for a split second I could feel FABULOUS. But I don't. There's nothing fabulous about me. And this is not a plea for all of my friends to tell me reasons why they think I am fabulous. I appreciate you thinking that...but it doesn't change the way I feel...and that is not the motivation. I guess I think if I call myself AJ Fabulous people will actually think I have a good self-esteem. The faker rears her ugly head. That's right...I'll admit it...I'm fake...plastic...HOLLOW. A lot of my friends think I have a GREAT life. Which...I guess I do. I mean...I do! I have a great job...the love of a man I don't deserve and an AMAZING family that supports me. But...apparently it isn't enough. I battle with depression...I battle with self-esteem...I battle with self-confidence (that is the newest one). So I resort to calling myself AJ Fabulous. Maybe I should let it go. Maybe this should be the end of the monniker...FABULOUS. But then I should probably stop using the word so much. I can't help it...I like long "F" words. Maybe I should call myself AJ HIDEOUS. That's the way I feel. I don't get off on self-deprication. It scares me. I'm getting too close. So for now...I will hold on to AJ Fabulous. In hopes for a better tomorrow. That makes it sound like I want to change the world...when really I just want to feel better about myself.

Afraid of Me

2005-03-22T07:55:00.000-08:00

First I have to start by saying...I am not a fan of reading and writing. Those that know me...already know this. So I don't really know why I am starting a BLOG! I guess it's because I have been very complacent in life. I want that to change. So that means getting out of my comfort zone. Letting my guard down...which I HATE. I'm afraid to let people see the real me. Even my friends. With ALL of my friends I edit what I share with them. Isn't that wrong?!?! With friend X I don't talk about my faith...with friend Y I never talk about my self-image. With friend Z I don't talk about my dreams. WHY IS THAT?? I don't even know. Because I guess I'm afraid of what they will say. Shallow...I know. I'm complacent with shallow friendships. I don't want to hear what they will say. I'm afraid of what they will think about me. I always wonder what they say behind my back...I know they all talk about me. And that's fine. That's life. I'm a great listener...I love to listen. Listening to others problems make me feel more normal. Being a listener makes me forget about me. I'm afraid of me. I'm afraid of hurting people. But I'm tired of being fake. I NEED this outlet. So I apologize to ALL of my friends for not sharing ALL of me. I apologize for what you might find out about me from this website...that I was afraid to tell you in person. I do love you all. I just can't trust. I guess that's because I don't like me...so why would anyone else. I'll just continue to be afraid...wishing I was something else.