The Inevitable Quest...

Dear Dad,

2007-06-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

Happy Father’s Day! I wish I could tell you in person. These past 5 months have been the hardest months of my life because I don’t have you here with me. I never really realized exactly how much you mean to me, until now. There have been so many days where I go to pick up the phone to call you and I can’t. It’s excruciating not being able to talk to you. I still talk to you, and I hope somehow you can hear me. I just think of it like you are my guardian angel, but that still doesn’t ease the pain. There is this void in my life that will never be filled by anyone else.

We are 10 weeks away from baby Satchel being here. I still dream of you being at the hospital and me handing him over to you, so that you could hold your grandson. The day just won’t be the same. However, I know you will be smiling down from Heaven, and you will watch over him wherever he goes. I just hope that somehow God will be able to let Satchel know how much you love him. I know he would have followed you wherever you would go, the way I used to follow you around. You should see me now. I’ve got quite a tummy on me lately. I know you would have talked to my belly and let Satchel know how much you love him. And that would have filled my heart with a joy greater than I have ever known. I so badly wanted to go through this with you. I really thought you would be here to hold him at least once. I know you were trying to hold on, but God had a different plan.

You would be so proud of mom. She is so strong. She loves you so much. She misses you really bad, and honestly I don’t know how she is holding up the way she is. I am so proud of her. I hope that she feels that you are still with her, and I hope she knows how much you love her. Because we all know you loved her so deeply. She is going to be the best grandma, and I know she will tell Satchel all about you.

Today is the first Father’s Day without you. And guess what, for the first time in baseball history the Giants are playing the Red Sox at Fenway. I know you will be on the couch next to us watching and cheering for your Giants. It would have been a perfect Father’s Day with you. We are also going to start a tradition, and make sure to either make homemade ice cream, or go out for ice cream in your honor. Our kids will know the ice cream is because of their Papa Keatts. We miss you so much today.

Most of all dad, your little girl longs for your hugs. I might never have told you, but you were my source of comfort. I don’t think I needed to tell you, I think you knew. If I ever had a bad day, I just wanted to climb next to you on the couch and tuck my head in the fold of your neck, and stay there for hours. That was my place. I long to be there now on this Father’s Day. Actually, I have longed to be there for the past 5 months. I will never forget the feeling of all being right with the world when I was in your arms. You made any problems or bad feelings melt away. You were always there. And I know you always will be, but it’s just not the same. I wish I could still call you when I have questions about the house, or the car, or just to tell you great news, or struggles I am going through. The best news is no one can ever take away the memories I have of you. They are perfect, and they are timeless. I love you forever daddy! Watch over us today and always.

Always your little girl,
Ang

Absence

2007-03-01T15:45:00.001-08:00

So I've kind of been missing in action...FOR AWHILE. The reason is...there is nothing...and all too much to write. All at once. I am typically an even keeled person. My highs aren't too high...and my lows aren't too low. But I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 months. This emotional journey really started on December 3rd. My dad had a high fever and went to the hospital. Between December 3rd and January 8th, the following took place:

*He had a very bad fever that wasn't going away

*He was visited by every infectious disease doctor at the VA

*His memory slowly faded to where he didn't know where he was...or what year it was

*He basically went into a coma...went into the ICU...and was put on life support

*They found out he contracted Herpes Incefilitis (a non-sexual form of Herpes)

*This affected the part of his brain that controlled his swallowing capabilities

*His liver fails...but after a few days he gets his liver functions back

*He wakes up and they transfer him out of ICU

*He is now on a feeding tube

*They treat him with viral medication and it helps

*We all spent Christmas in his hospital room...and it was his best day!

*That night he started having sharp pains in his stomach

*He was in a lot of pain for a week until on New Years Eve he basically went into a coma again

*The doctors said he would probably die within 24 hours

*They basically took him off medicines waiting for him to pass

*All of his doctors that were on vacation for the holidays return on January 2nd

*They are shocked at the decisions the interim doctors made...and get him back on medicine and he goes back to ICU and back on life support

*The next day they say his kidneys have failed...and they say they have done everything

*We have an anointing service and take him off life support

*The doctors expect him to pass very quickly

*My mom took the night shift...and he makes it through the night

*The next morning they transfer him to a private room so he can pass peacefully

*My mom leaves to shower and get some sleep

*While I am there, he wakes up and says he is hungry...at this point he's been without food for 5 days

*He wasn't supposed to wake up...the nurse freaks out...and the doctors rush in

*They start him back on medicines, and he is lucid

*He had a couple of good days...but the doctors are afraid to put the feeding tube back in...so they wait

*The morning of January 8th they were going to put the feeding tube in when he has excruciating stomach pain

*By noon he is sedated...transferred to ICU and intubated...again

*He has been without food for 9 days

*After many tests they discovered that a portion of his intestines have ruptured and he is too weak to have surgery

*We take him off life support for the final time, and he passed away at 7:15pm

In the midst of it all, I feel like I am going crazy. I just can't handle it emotionally. I tell my mom that I need to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist. A couple of days later, I realize I am very late starting my period. Christmas morning Steve and I take a pregnancy test...and IT'S POSITIVE!!! The first thing I think is...thank goodness...I'm not crazy...just hormonal! Yes...there is going to be a baby Strouty! The due date is set for August 27th. My dad knew. He was thrilled to be a grandpa. I really thought he was fighting to meet this baby. Life never turns out how you expect. I never expected my kids to NOT KNOW my dad...their grandpa. But there must be some reason for it. Since January 8th I have experienced highs and lows. I have never felt such great loss. I feel like a part of my heart is dead...ripped to shreds. My daddy...the first man I ever loved is gone. I know I will see him again...but that doesn't make it any better now. On February 1st, I saw the baby moving all around. It's little arms and legs doing water ballet. I've never felt anything like this in my life. It's very overwhelming and mesmerizing. A new piece of my heart is born. The Lord giveth...and the Lord taketh away. And through it all...I have learned to trust Him...really trust Him...for the first time in my life.

SAD

2006-08-08T19:00:00.000-07:00

It's been a LONG time...too long. I haven't written for mainly 2 reasons. 1. I've been so busy at work...it's not even funny. The last thing I want to do when I get home is get back on the computer. 2. I'm sad. I don't like to write sad and depressing things all the time...but I think that's about what it would be lately.

My dad hasn't been feeling well. Since he's been in Nashville he's gone to the doctor 3 times. He's been here less than 2 months. And he's in the midst of a bunch of tests...with no results...yet.

Yesterday I watched a dear friend bury her mother. I can't even describe how sad that made me to watch my friend grieve. But she did it with beauty and grace. I couldn't have been as strong as her. It breaks my heart that her mom won't be around to meet her children one day.

Steve's family has had drama. My brother-in-law seperated from his wife of 13 or so years. They have 3 children...ages 12, 11 & 7. I don't understand it. It makes me so sad for the children, and for my brother-in-law and sister-in-law. On top of that, my brother-in-law has had 3 seizures in the past 2 weeks.

Then yesterday, my 12 year old nephew had a seizure. It's the first he has ever had. Worse than that, his 7 year old sister witnessed the whole thing. The two of them were at the babysitters. The babysitter called 911 and had to stay with my 7 year old niece...so my 12 year old nephew had to go in the ambulance alone, while his mom, dad and grandma waited for him to arrive at the hospital.

I just feel like there's this cloud hanging over my head. I'm just sad. Sad to the core. I hate being sad. And it makes me scared. I want to find out what's wrong with my dad. I don't want to lose him. Not yet. And I'm trying to trust in God, I just wish he would take this fear away.

On 2 brighter notes...I got a new pack of my favorite ultra fine colored sharpies. 29 different colors...bliss! At least I am finding joy in the small things! And Steve knows how stressed out I am...so he surprised me by booking a log cabin in Gatlinburg for Labor Day Weekend. He is way too good to me. I don't know what I did to deserve him!

I'm really going to try and write more. I miss my blogging friends. And I feel like a bad friend because I haven't kept up with everyone. I'm going to try and get caught up on everyone. I miss you all!

THEY'RE HERE!!!!!!

2006-06-19T09:58:00.000-07:00

It's true...my parents have made the big move from California to Nashvegas. Actually Franklin, but who's counting. I can't believe it! It's so weird to know that as I am writing this, my mom is unpacking about 5 miles away. After everything we went through with my dad when he had cancer, this is just an answer to prayer. We have all realized how important family is...and how wonderful it is to have them close by. Today I feel so filled...and truly blessed! Welcome to Tennessee Steve & Evelia!! :)

Farewell Katie

2006-05-31T07:27:00.000-07:00

(Zabs...you may want to not read this!)

Today was Katie Couric's last day on the Today show. It may be a day that passes by and no one even notices. But for me, today is a day of great sadness. I am being very selfish in saying I wish Katie wouldn't leave. And while I'm excited for her new adventure, and am proud to know that she is the first solo evening anchorwoman EVER, I am very sad to not wake up with her every morning. As cheesy as it may sound...Katie was my morning coffee. She was the constant...and has been for the better part of the last 10 years of my life. It was in college that I decided to pursue my education in Broadcast News. A lot of that was in part to Katie. I would tell everyone that I wanted to be the next Katie Couric...when in all reality...I just wanted to be her friend. And that is what I love about her. She has a way of jumping out of the screen and making you feel like she's talking to you, the way a girlfriend would. It is truly a gift.

When I joined my sorority (Tri Delta), in our new member portion, I learned that Katie too was a Tri Delta. I felt even a bigger connection with her then. To me, Katie embodies everything that a morning news anchor should be. Compassionate, informative, caring, bold, encouraging, transparent, among other things. Do I even have to say "perky"??!?! She inspired feeling within me. I have laughed so many times with her, but above all, she has moved me. I have felt empowered by her, and felt like I could make a difference because of a story she has shed light on.

You know how everyone always asks you, if you could ever meet one person in this world, who would it be. Without hesitation, I always answer that question with Katie Couric. She is at the top of the list. And she will continue to hold that spot.

Needless to say, I am wearing all black today in honor of Katie. I will forever miss you in the morning. Gosh...I might actually need to start drinking coffee in the mornings now. Good Luck Katie...I wish you the best. And hey, maybe you will actually inspire me to want to watch the evening news. I know you will break the mold to everything I have known of evening news, because there is no mold that could contain you.

Destination: Liverpool

2006-05-09T17:14:00.000-07:00

One of the places that Steve was the most excited to go to on our trip was Liverpool. I have to admit...I was hesitant to give up one of my free days in London to take a day trip to Liverpool...the home of the Beatles. But, I did it gladly. What I didn't know, was how great the day was going to be. Steve and I had a 4-hour private guided tour around to all the Beatles sites. We listened to Beatles music, and we visited homes, schools, clubs, etc. all were vital points of interest in Beatles history. We went to Penny Lane and Elanor Rigby's grave and The Cavern, a pub where the Beatles played hundreds of shows. We also went to Strawberry fields. I was probably most excited about this particular highlight. Strawberry Fields Forever is one of my favorite Beatles songs.

I guess I always figured it was a big field where strawberries grow that was a park area. But Strawberry Fields is actually a house where Orphans went with fields around it. I did see Strawberry plants all around, so that is probably where it got it's name. When John Lennon wrote the song, his home was through the fields and down the hill. So he would wander around Strawberry Fields even though he was trespassing on the property of the Orphanage.

This is a picture of the two of us standing in front of the house where John Lennon grew up. It is actually owned by the government and is a museum today. It was outside this house that John's mom was run over by a car. This is the kind of info that was so amazing to learn on this tour.

I am a Beatles fan. I've always liked their music. When I met Steve we watched the Beatles Anthology together. That's 8 DVDs of Beatles history. It was really cool. I became a bigger fan then. But The Beatles really came alive this trip. To learn new stories...and to see these places in person...is indescribable! I'm SO GLAD we decided to go to Liverpool!

Destination: Amalfi Coast & Capri

2006-05-04T18:58:00.000-07:00

Whew...it has been a crazy month! We got back from our trip, and I went straight into a new building with a new team of people around me, and it has just been CRAZY!! My next few posts will highlight destinations on our big trip to Europe. This first one is about the Amalfi Coast & the island of Capri...and it goes out to Andrea the Great! Girl...I wish you could have been there!

First of all, we drove from Pompeii to Sorrento. The drive was amazing along these mountainous roads overlooking the Italian Coastline. Our tour director Earl told us all about the beautiful city of SOO-RRREN-TOW...in his best Italian accent. Earl is from New Zealand, so he puts extra accents on everything to sound more European. Most the time it worked...but we laughed because we knew how hard he was trying to sound "local". We stopped at an overlook and took this picture.

We spent two nights in Sorrento. We arrived Easter afternoon. That night we went into Sorrento and thought it would be dead. But it was bustling with activity. I love so much about Italy and the Italian people. They are very passionate, very loud, and everywhere you go, you are sure to see the "teenage mafia" as I call them. Basically they are young italian punks who wear jean jackets with the collars staight up and have some form of a mullet. But they totally make the vibe.

The day after Easter we spent the day on the island of Capri. Or as Earl called it KA-PRREEE. I have to say, there were 2 disappointments on our trip. The first was our day on Capri...it rained...ALL DAY! I was pretty bummed, but wasn't going to let it ruin my time. When we got there, we pretty much went off on our own to explore the island. We went up the Funicolare (cable car) to the top of the island. After a 15 minute walk we somehow found this amazing view.

One of the things I was most excited to do on this trip was to visit the blue grottos in Capri. We held off for most of the day because the rain and drizzle. But as the afternoon was approaching, we decided to go because we didn't want to miss out. So we took a 15 minute motor boat ride to the grottos...while it was raining. Then you get out and basically get into these tiny row boats that hold 4 people. The opening to the grottos is VERY small, that is why the transfer to the row boats. I thought for sure it wasn't going to be that amazing because the sun wasn't out...so surely the water wouldn't be THAT blue. This photo doesn't do it justice...but this is a glimpse of what it looked like in there.

All in all...Capri was great. I was bummed because I REALLY REALLY wanted to make it to Positano and check out the town. But because of the rain, I didn't want to put the effort into find the right bus that got to that part of the coast before the sun set. I decided to save my first experience of Positano for a sunny day. But Andrea...it was amazing. I am in NO WAY an eloquent writer. I wish I could express what is in my heart in words...but I have just never been good at that. You need to get there...immediately. We decided that next time we go to Europe that we will just do Italy and stay along the coast for longer. It was magical!

It's just all too much...

2006-03-29T10:07:00.000-08:00

There’s just TOO MUCH going on in life these days. Obviously my blog has been severely neglected. Some things I just can’t post about. And others I just don’t have time too. This is what’s going on:

*GMA starts on Friday night

*Our company was bought, so we have to move again

*I leave for Europe 1 week from today…HALLELUJAH!!!!

*The day after we get back, I start back at work, in a different building, with a different team

Because of the acquisition…my GMA is 10 times more hectic. I’m not quite sure when I’m going to pack. Thinking about leaving for Europe is very overwhelming. I’m NOT COMPLAINING at all…I will take the overwhelming feeling any day of the week…but A LOT has to be done when you are going to be out of the country for 19 days. Throw GMA between now and then and I’m thinking that this timing wasn’t so smart on our part. OH WELL!!!!

I’m really scared that I’m going to have really bad reverse culture shock when I get back. When I lived in Italy in ’99, I cried for 1 week straight when I got back because I didn’t want to be here. I feel like at the moment…I have more reason not to want to be here, than I did back in ’99. I have already warned Steve that he is going to have to physically force me to get on that plane in Paris to come back.

On a more positive note, I get to meet Andrea the Great on MONDAY!!!! And I also get to see Zabs and Meredith!!! JOY!!!! (Not the person…the feeling, although meeting Joy would be AMAZING!) It can’t come soon enough. Lulu my dear, you will be missed, but I know you will be there in spirit! We will definitely be thinking of you!

I don’t know if I will have a chance to post again before the craziness, but if not, the next blog entry will have a ton of pictures and stories from my trip!

Must Haves

2006-03-29T09:37:00.000-08:00

The Enchanting Lulu posted her 5 must haves and has tagged me. Here goes!

Top 5 "Must Haves" for the moment

In my fridge:
1. Yogurt
2. Milk
3. Water
4. Apples
5. Carrot Chips

In my closet:
1. Jeans
2. White Slides
3. Fun Tank Tops
4. Running Sneakers
5. My Favorite Fleece PJ Pants

In my purse:
1. Lip Gloss
2. Cell Phone
3. Hair Rubberband
4. Orbit Gum
5. Granola Bar

In my car:
1. CDs
2. Umbrella
3. Sunglasses
4. Bank Deposit Slips
5. Pen

On my TiVo (if you dont have it make believe...)
1. The OC
2. LOST
3. Desperate Housewives
4. Grey’s Anatomy
5. CSI: NY

What are your must haves?
Sarai
Nicole
Karina

My 4-Legged Frustrations

2006-03-14T15:24:00.000-08:00

Please allow me to vent just a bit. This may be lengthy…and might not make sense because I am ANGRY!!! Okay…most of you know…I run 6 days a week. Preferably outside. The past month or so I have braved the cold…and the last couple of weeks have been nice at 7am. My runs are a stress relief for me…a time to enjoy my surroundings and just enjoy life (as cheesy as it sounds). Most of you that know me well…know I’m not a fan of big dogs. Mainly because it drives me crazy that they try to sniff the private region, and are tall enough to do so. I have to do this weird dance to get them to STAY AWAY. But I’m not scared of dogs…it just weirds me out that they do that, and makes me rather uncomfortable. But today…dogs just aren’t my friend!!! This morning on my run I was about half way done…and saw a loose dog wandering around ahead of me. And HE WAS BIG! Now I really can’t stand stray dogs. You never know if they are nice or mean or what. Not to mention…I am always running…so it makes them scared or whatever and they usually just follow you. With small dogs I usually just stop and can get them to go away…or I can just outrun them because they have small legs. But with bigger dogs…it doesn’t work. The faster I run…the more they want to follow me…and they can DEFINITELY keep up. But this dog looked mean. So I thought I would turn around and do a longer run…thinking when I get back to this spot in 9 minutes hopefully he will be gone. Well…he wasn’t. I had already lengthened my run, so I slowed way down…tried not to make any noise…then when I was parallel to where he was…I gunned it…for about a half a mile. Mind you…it’s 38 degrees and my lungs start to burn because of all that cold air. I keep looking back and he is running…right…towards me. I can’t stop sprinting…so I basically kill myself…make it home in 1 piece…and thank God he never got close to me and didn’t harm me. Now…if this was the only time it happened it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal. But since I have lived in my house…which is now a year and 3 months…this has probably happened 20 times. I think that averages about once every three weeks. Now let me say…previous to this…in the past 8 or so years…I have probably only encountered 4 or 5 dogs. Can you start to see my frustration?!?!?! It’s my dang neighborhood and the surrounding neighborhoods that I run in. Last week…I saw a wolf/coyote off in a distance…and about 2 minutes later the same dog I saw today. BIG…BLONDE…MUTT…that looks like he’s a cross between a bulldog and a Labrador. That day…I had to change my course COMPLETELY and run on the main road that has no shoulder so I had to run on the all-terrain next to the whizzing cars. My knees did not appreciate that! Now…the wolf/coyote is a different beast…but all these dogs running around…WHY THE FREAK AREN’T THEY IN SOMEONE’S BACK YARD…or TIED UP TO A TREE?!?!?! It drives me batty that people just let their DANG dogs run around free. GRRRRRRRRRRRRR….this really makes me mad.

I will end it with a story. It’s not a happy story. When I still lived in California I encountered a very interesting situation. I was running a rather regular course, and saw about 6 people standing in a yard with a golden retriever next to them. I saw the golden retriever wasn’t on a leash, but I figured since he was with his family he would be fine. So I continued to run. I ran by them…waved at the family and kept going. About 10 seconds later…the golden retriever must have thought my calf looked like a juicy chicken drumstick because he BIT…MY…CALF. IN SHOCK AND PAIN…I stopped running turned around to a LAUGHING family. Wait…what just happened?!?!? Let’s recap. First of all…a GOLDEN RETRIEVER…the nicest of nice dogs bites my calf. Then the family is LAUGHING?!?!?! They don’t run to me…to see if I’m okay…they don’t scold the dog…just laugh. The dog is just standing there staring at me. (And no he didn’t bite hard enough that it broke skin…thank goodness.) So I did what any upset person would do. I kicked him as HARD AS I COULD…he yelped…I turned around…and ran away. The family stopped laughing.

I’m sorry all of you dog lovers out there…but obviously this is a touchy subject with me. And PLEASE…I BEG OF YOU…don’t let your dogs roam outside…poor innocent runners like me have to deal with it…and honestly…it’s JUST NOT FAIR. Okay…done ranting.

Randumb Ramblings 3.10.06

2006-03-10T15:27:00.000-08:00

*I haven’t written in awhile…it’s been an interesting couple of weeks. I don’t really want to go into it.

*I was very sad that Gideon went home last night on American Idol. I personally think Kevin should have gone home…Gideon can out-sing him ANY day of the week. I think that Gideon didn’t get as many votes because he went first.

*Wellness Fact: Research shows that for every hour spent exercising aerobically, you can add 2 hours to your life!

*I had a very random dream. This one is for my girl Hula Seventy. She rocks the Photobooth Fridays. This dream just HAD to have come to fruition because of Photobooth Fridays. Well…this past weekend…I had a dream that I was in line for a photobooth. I was waiting for awhile and was thinking about all the poses I could do. Then it was finally my turn! I got into the photobooth, and I had money…but not the right kind of money. I had dollars, a couple of quarters, and a bunch of other change. Well, this photobooth took quarters only…4 of them that had to be put in at the same time. I only had 2! So I was looking all around the photobooth for some quarters for what had to have been a half an hour (and why no one complained that I was taking so long is beyond me). Finally I exited the photobooth (on the other side from where the line was) and ran away in embarrassment and anger. And that was it. Random…I KNOW!!!

*Snack of the week: Yoplait Light Yogurt with pretzel sticks broken up mixed in. It’s only 3 points…and adds a whole new texture to your yogurt! I was getting to the place where I was kind of tired of yogurt, but this has totally changed everything!

*This week we have heard new music from our brand new band Fireflight. It is SOOO GOOD!!!! Whenever they post new music on myspace…I will have to link it. It’s chick-fronted rock…and it definitely ROCKS!

*Are there any OC fans out there? **Spoiler…if you didn’t watch The OC last night…don’t read the rest of this bullet point!** I don’t know about you…but I couldn’t believe that Ryan and Marissa broke up the way that they did. For all that they have been thru…they just seemed to give up too easily. I didn’t get it! Surely this isn’t the end. It would have had to have been BIG…and DRAMATIC if it were for good…RIGHT?!?!?!?!

*Random AJ Fact: Before my husband Steve…I never had a “Boyfriend”. I dated guys…but never anything so serious that I would have introduced them as my boyfriend. I consider myself lucky! And heck…I ended up with the man that was perfect for me! Now I can see it as a win-win situation. When I was 21 and never had a boyfriend…I used to be mad or sad or whatever. But God ultimately knew what was best for me! And I can honestly say I have never shed a tear over a dumb boy!

*It feels like spring today. Sunny…gorgeous…70 degrees…no humidity…it feels like California…it’s PERFECT! I needed the sun today. Yesterday I was reminded how much I despise Thunderstorms!

*I love the Oscars! So this past Sunday night was fun…even though I hadn’t seen more than half the movies that were nominated. I just love everything about the Oscars. One day I hope to go. Anyways, I really liked the movie Crash…and I cheered LOUDLY when they won movie of the year. It makes me sad that everyone else is all up in arms that Brokeback didn’t win. It’s one thing if they were upset that Brokeback didn’t win…but how all these people questioned the integrity of the Oscars because Crash won. LAME!!!! Sore Losers.

*Tomorrow I am going to a Spa Party hosted by my sweet friend Karina. I have never been to a spa party…but I’m SO READY to be pampered…BRING…IT…ON!!!! Have a great weekend!

{Not} ABANDONED

2006-02-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

Guilt is beginning to flow through my veins as I begin to write this. Do you ever feel abandoned by God? I know ultimately He would never abandon us, but right now that is how I feel. I have been crying out to Him for years…and I must need hearing aids because I surely can’t hear Him…or feel Him. And with each thought I write…it’s like I’m hooked up to an IV and the nurse is injecting another dose of guilt that is rapidly spreading throughout my body. I don’t like to talk this way about my marvelous King…but it’s just the way I feel. And let’s be honest…He knows my every thought…so He already knows this. And right now I’m smack dab in the middle of pain and not understanding why circumstances in my life are the way that they are. And maybe this is God’s way of just showing me. I know it’s always when I’m in the valley times that I grow and learn life’s lessons. And I’m sure a year from now, I will look back at this and laugh at how silly I was to falter in my faith in Him. I like to be in control…and when that control is taken away (let’s be honest) I…FREAK…OUT!!! I know I have issues with handing over every ounce of me to Him. But God has also given us the ability to make choices. Although I would guess that since God knows our thoughts…and if we may be leaning one way…if He doesn’t want that path for us…He closes that door. It’s funny…because although I feel abandoned…I also KNOW in every cell of my body that He will comfort me, and take care of me, and hold my hand through this season. But today…I am at that place where I don’t feel Him. I feel alone…abandoned…with no direction…and I want to be in His will. It just seems like in times past when I am at a crossroads or in a valley I have this peace about which way to go…or what to do. And I am just so confused this time…with not an inkling of what to do. And I just want to see Him. I long to be in His presence…and see Him speak to me, so that I KNOW that I’m making the right decision. So I just wait…and hurt…and live life for one more day in hopes that tomorrow I will have that inkling of what to do to be in His will.

FOUR...Finally!

2006-02-20T15:13:00.000-08:00

Okay...I must be the last person to do this meme...but I couldn't let it pass. I believe Cool Meredith tagged me on this one. Here goes!

Four jobs I’ve had:
1. Waitress – DiCicco’s Italian Restaurant as well as Red Robin. Both were fun in their own ways. DiCicco’s was fine dining…and I loved everyone I worked with, and knew most of the people coming in. Red Robin was fast paced and fun.
2. Water Aerobics Instructor – I have always been a water baby. Whether it was waterpolo, swimming or diving. When I went to college, I taught Water Aerobics for a couple of semesters. The classes were open to the Malibu community as well as students. I taught A LOT of rich women whose husbands were in the Entertainment Industry. They sometimes brought me exotic gifts!
3. Intern – Black Dog Films. I worked under the very talented Vicky Mayer. She was great! It was a very cool internship, and I got to experience a lot in the world of music videos. The only bad part was the 2 and a half hour commute (thanks LA traffic!).
4. Flicker Radio Chick – The best job in the world! I am very fortunate to work at such a cool place with AMAZING artists. I have found so much passion here.

Four movies I can watch over and over:
1. While You Were Sleeping
2. How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
3. Steel Magnolias
4. The Notebook – I want to be friends with Rachael McAdams!

Four places I’ve lived:
1. Pomeroy, Wa – I lived there for the first three years of my life. My dad still has family there.
2. Sanger, CA – I will always think of Sanger as home. I lived there from before I started Kindergarten until I went away to college.
3. Malibu, CA – I was truly living a DREAM! It is more gorgeous than you can imagine!
4. Florence, Italy – I studied there for a semester in college. It changed my life…it changed me…to the core. A piece of my heart will always reside there. I WILL LIVE THERE AGAIN!!! Even if it is for a couple of years after I retire. It’s just MAGICAL!

Four TV shows I love:
1. Grey’s Anatomy (oh my gosh…did anyone watch last night?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!!!!)
2. The OC – LOVE IT!
3. Lost – The most thought provoking show I have ever watched.
4. The Today Show. It makes me happy. What can I say…Katie Couric is like my morning coffee. She gets my day going.

Four places I’ve vacationed:
1. The French Riviera – Good Friends…the Cannes Film Festival…the beach…it was AMAZING!
2. Cancun, Mexico – The most perfect honeymoon. Great food…the beach…the Spanish Language…not to mention my oh so handsome husband!
3. Surfer’s Paradise, Gold Coast, Australia – We were able to chill out during our busy waterpolo schedule. I went with some kick butt women waterpolo players…and we had a blast! The waves were INTENSE, the sand was perfect and the sun couldn’t have been better.
4. Lisbon, Portugal – The coastline just west of Lisbon was amazing! I didn’t expect to find a treasure of a coastline there…but the sand was super thin and white…the water was an amazing teal blue, and it was surrounded by amazing mountains.

Do you see a theme…I love vacationing anywhere where the beach is! I really want to experience Fiji/Tahiti, and the beaches in South Africa at Port Elizabeth which my friends have said is INCREDIBLE.

Four of my favorite foods:
1. Cookies with Frosting on them
2. My dad’s homemade Ice Cream
3. Homemade Tortillas
4. Grilled Chicken

Four albums I can't live without:
1. “With Abandon” - Chasing Furies
2. “Finally Woken” - Jem
3. “Afterglow” – Sarah McLachlan
4. “J to the L-O: The Remixes” – Jennifer Lopez

This question is so not fair to any music lover or someone in the industry. I can’t imagine life without at least 20 more albums.

Four sites I visit almost daily:
1. My friends blogs!
2. Ebay
3. Yahoo
4. Realtor.com – I love looking at houses…and I always like to dream of owning several in many different places.

Four places I would rather be now:
1. In Steve’s arms
2. At the beach – somewhere HOT with Steve
3. Italy
4. At a day spa getting a massage, manicure, pedicure, facial…etc! I’ve never spent the day at a spa…but it sounds pretty good right now!

Four items in my purse
1. My Ipod
2. Cell Phone
3. Lip
4. Keys

Photobooth Friday

2006-02-17T07:30:00.000-08:00

Inspired by Brilliant Andrea...I decided to join in today on Photobooth Friday. The top picture is the SCARIEST picture of me EVER!!! I am joined by the Glamorous JoAnna, and she looks quite scared to be in the photobooth with me! Both of our expressions CRACK ME UP! She always said I look like her scary boyfriend...I tend to agree. I also think I look a bit like an ALIEN! YIKES! Okay people...the reason I look so scary is because I was deep in thought of what I could do for a hilarious pose...and that dang machine was TOO QUICK...and caught my deep in thought pose...that translated to looking like a member of the Manson family!

The second one is just crazy fun! These pictures were taken in a black & white photobooth at a movie theatre in LA before we watched Matrix 3, about 5 days before my wedding. (Which would be November 2003) I can't think of anyone else that would have a CRAZY photo shoot with me, than my sweet friend JoAnna! We are masters at taking the world's worst pictures...and LAUGHING FOR HOURS about it! Digital Cameras are brilliant because you can see the instant results. But Jo...I think we might have to hit a photobooth SOON for more HILARIOUS FUN!

You're My Boy Blue!!!

2006-02-14T14:10:00.000-08:00

I never knew I would love someone so much I couldn’t describe it in words. It amazes me how God knows us so well, that he knows what we need in a partner. I thought I knew what I wanted…but God knew what I needed…it was all in Steve. I didn’t believe in all of that “You complete me” mumbo jumbo…before I met Steve. Now I buy stock in it. Actually I don’t think I was ever fully complete without him. Don’t get me wrong…I am still my own person…but I don’t come alive when I am without him. He compliments me in so many ways and I’m so blessed to have him…FOREVER. I know that today more than ever. Valentine's Day is a good reminder to me of how lucky I am. Especially since I have my doubts with trusting people…I know I could trust Steve with my life. He is ALWAYS looking out for my best interest, and shows me in the most simple yet intimate ways how much he loves me. He will probably kill me for posting this picture…but I can’t help it…I LOVE IT!! It is the CUTEST picture. He looks like a big kid…with the most endearing puppy dog brown eyes that make me melt. I am truly blessed...and SO IN LOVE!!!

Randumb Ramblings 2.10.06

2006-02-10T14:07:00.001-08:00

*Ever since I have moved into our 1st house, I am always a little uncomfortable when Steve is gone. It takes me FOREVER to fall asleep. In our apartment I never thought about it because there were so many people around…and surely the person above me would have heard if I screamed bloody murder. This week I decided to close our bedroom door and lock it. I think it worked because I haven’t had a problem falling asleep.

*I know for a FACT that I’ve cried more this week than the last 6 years combined.

*Wellness Tip: Living a sedentary lifestyle (not active) does as much damage to your body as smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day! That’s something to think about!

*Tonight it is supposed to snow 2-4 inches. I LOVE THE SNOW. BUT. I’m not made to live in the snow. What can I say…I’m from California, and I am the driver they are talking about that doesn’t know what the heck to do! I love to watch the snow fall outside my window…I love to go skiing…I love to go sledding and get into massive snow ball fights…but I hate driving in it! I’m all about visiting the snow…but not living in it. Especially living in a town that is ill-prepared for it. This weekend should be an adventure for sure!

*Steve gets back tomorrow after being gone since Monday morning. I can’t wait for his return. COME HOME BABY!

*I heart the Olympics! I must admit…that I prefer the Summer Olympics over the Winter Olympics…but none-the-less…I am very excited for tonight’s Opening Ceremonies! When I was a kid, I wanted to go to the Olympics someday. I still haven’t given up on that dream…but I better decide what sport I will go in soon…because I’m not getting any younger.

*Random AJ Fact: With the exception of 1 Sanger High School Dance, I always asked my date. If I wouldn’t have done the asking…I would NEVER have gone to any dances because no one asked me out. Everyone said they were intimidated by me. WHATEVER. The one time I did get asked…it was my senior year Winter Formal. I was Student Body President, and I must admit…I…WENT…WITH…A…FRESHMAN! But…I figured…he had the guts to ask…so I was going to say yes. And yes…I had to drive because he was 14! But…it wasn’t all that bad. All the freshman girls hated me because the most popular freshman football player was the one who did the asking. Gosh…it was such a status thing back then. So funny! But man…I felt like I was robbing the cradle!

*I found out AGAIN this week that I have trust issues. One of my friends broke my trust. It hurt. And there was a good explanation, and all is fine now, but it was like a step backwards. I am freaked out to share things with anyone. Sometimes I feel like I’m living a life full of secrets.

*Snack of the week: Apples with either Fat-Free Caramel Dip or Peanut Butter. The points are different for the caramel dip, as opposed to the peanut butter. I don’t know the points for sure…so I’m just not going to include them. But it is a good for you snack as long as you don’t LOAD UP on the caramel or peanut butter. YUMMY!

*I did 2 things for the first time ever this week. 1 – I cried in the shower. 2 – I gave a big hug to Steve’s clothes in our closet. They both happened within 10 minutes of each other.

Randumb Ramblings 1.27.06

2006-01-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

*I’ve never minded moving. It usually means on to brighter things. But this is the first time I have had to move with work. I am finding out why some people don’t like to move. Although…we are moving from an office building to a house…it could be a really cool environment. It will be an adjustment though…I have had my own office for almost 4 years…and I will now be in a room with 2 other people. The good news is one of those people is GLAM JO! We could get into some trouble!

*Snack of the week: No Sugar Added Blue Bell Ice Cream. IT IS SO GOOD!!! And depending on which kind you get…it is 2-3 points per ½ cup. The real deal is more like 5-6 points per ½ cup.

*In 10 weeks I will be in EUROPE!!! I can’t wait. I am so like a kid counting down to Christmas. This will be Steve’s first trip to Europe, and I am looking forward to saying hello to the piece of my heart that resides in Florence. Just for a moment, I will feel complete! Some of the highlights of the trip will include, London, The Rhine Valley in Germany, Lake Lucerne in Switzerland, Florence, Rome, Venice, The Amalfi Coast, The French Riviera and Paris!!!

*Random AJ Fact: I like long “F” words. Like Fabulous, Facetious, Finicky, Façade, Feasible, Fascination, Ferocious, Fashionista, Fiasco, etc. I just like the way they sound in my head when I say them. And I appreciate when other people use long F words…my instant reaction is I raise my eyebrows and just say “ahhhh”. It’s silly…I know!

*After much resistance…I finally have a myspace page. I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!! I’m really not into it. But my boss wanted me to subscribe to all of our bands blogs…so alas…I am on myspace. I can’t believe I had to give in to “The Man”!!!!

*Wellness Tip: It is better to have an unhealthy diet and exercise regularly, than a well balanced diet and a sedentary lifestyle. That’s how good exercising is for you!!! Obviously…it is best to have a well balanced diet and exercise regularly.

*I found it ironic this morning on the news…the weatherman said…”it looks like it’s going to be a beautiful weekend…but maybe a little soggy”. Then he talked about how it was going to rain both Saturday and Sunday?!?!?!? In my mind…most Meteorologists say that it would be a nasty weekend…or an indoor weekend…but not say BEAUTIFUL WEEKEND with that influction in his voice if it was going to rain all weekend. I guess I am bummed because he got my hopes up for a split second!

*I watched Skeleton Key recently. It was CREEPY!!!! Up until I watched that movie…I always thought it would be cool to live in an old plantation house. NOT ANYMORE. I feel like stuff like that really exists if you mess with it. I don’t know…it kind of freaked me out. Did anyone else see it…and what did you think?

*Speaking of Movies…Steve and I are suckers for Sports Movies. We currently have been cutting back on going out to the movies because we are trying to save money for Europe. However, we HAD to go watch Glory Road. We had been looking forward to it for awhile. It was SO GOOD. Man it sparked things in me. It deals with race back in the 60’s and how that affected college basketball in particular. It makes me happy to know how far we have come in 40 years…and it makes me really sad how people were discriminated against back in the day. Just AWFUL. But I would highly recommend the movie!

*So we have this new band “Until June”, and they are SO AWESOME!!!! It is working with bands like this that makes me LOVE MY JOB!!! I can’t wait to release a radio single for them. You can check them out Here and Here. The music on these sites are just demos. We have some of the new music...and man...it is SO GOOD!

Double Mint Twins

2006-01-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

In our almost 5 years that we have worked together...and all of the same band T-Shirts that we have...Glam Jo and I have never come to work as twins. It happened today. So...we did what any normal hot music industry executives would do...we had a photo shoot!

WE HEART KIDS IN THE WAY! Check them out HERE or HERE.

Not in the mood...

2006-01-23T15:24:00.000-08:00

I just haven't felt like writing anything lately. Hopefully the words and desire will come back soon!

Bliss like a girl on Prom Day!

2006-01-12T14:23:00.000-08:00

Last night I couldn’t fall asleep. Normally (being the grandma that I am) we are in bed around 10:30. Last night we watched a basketball game so we didn’t get into bed until 11:45. I watched TV until midnight and decided I needed to turn the TV off even though I wasn’t yet tired. I tossed and turned…and must have finally dozed off a little after 1am. A far cry from 10:30pm when the alarm goes off at 6:15.

Today, all day I have had butterflies in my stomach. The same kind of butterflies you get on an exciting day. The day of Prom, a sorority formal, a big date, your wedding day, etc. I’m having a hard time concentrating…I am generally just excited. It’s gorgeous outside…sunny…beautiful…the perfect day. (Well perfect day when it’s 66 degrees in January when you know it should only be 39 degrees.) All my excitement leads to tonight.

Who knew that I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep last night…or that I would be anxious all day long…when my best friend is coming into town!!!! No it isn’t the prom…but it might as well be in my book! Mary(Big B)Beth…or My Sweet B as I call her is coming to visit! That’s MaryBeth…1 word…no space…uppercase B!

Anyone who meets or knows MaryBeth will never forget her. She has such a sweet spirit that just brings everyone joy. She is funny and has a laugh you could only wish was your own. It is contagious…and cute…and everyone takes notice when she laughs. I’m sure strangers look at her when they hear her laugh…and wish they could know her. They wish they could be sitting next to her…tossing their heads back in laughter. She has the kindest soul, and makes you feel so welcome. She’s the type of person that makes you feel like you’re the only person in the world. She is everything that is good and wonderful in this world. And I will see her in less than 3 hours….OH BLISS!!!

I met MaryBeth at a sorority party the first week of school my sophomore year of college. We both pledged Tri Delta. While we were pledging it seemed like everyone else knew someone in the pledge class. But I didn’t…and MaryBeth didn’t. So we gravitated toward each other. And I now realize I am the luckiest girl in the world to have bonded with her during that time. Little did I know that she would come to mean so much to me. She was so ENCHANTING…and I wanted to spend every minute with her. And we practically did. We have wonderful memories from the sorority and outside the sorority. We had a great group of friends…but no one else was like my B. We lived together our senior year of college. It was the best year of my life! We had dance parties…many adventures (who knew an adventure was to be had at the convenient store on the corner)…some days we would even run away together. I miss running away with her. Sometimes we would literally go out the front door and just run. (Side note: don’t try to run away when you are both wearing flip flops…ouch!) We had no clue where we were going…or how far we would go…we would just RUN AWAY. Sometimes we would run away in her Grey truck Lou. Good ol’ Lou! Again…we had no clue where Lou was going to take us. We would just need to get away! Some probably think this is very silly…but we loved it!

MaryBeth is one person that just puts a smile on my face thinking about her. I feel like a part of my heart is dormant because I don’t have her in my every day life. What I wouldn’t give to have her around every day! But I am not complaining…I am just truly blessed to know her. It has been more than a year (UNACCEPTABLE) since I have seen her. That will never happen again. I have been in dire need of a MaryBeth fill for a long time. She will be here until Tuesday (unless I can talk her into staying longer), and I can’t help but feel like a kid on Christmas morning! So here’s to a bright spot in my life…MaryBeth…and to a weekend of finding adventures, reminiscing, and who knows…maybe even running away! I LOVE YOU B!!

5 Guilty Pleasures

2006-01-05T08:16:00.000-08:00

I was tagged by Sweet Meredith to do this meme. Here goes!

The Rules: Write a blog about 5 Guilty Pleasures. In the end you need to choose five people to be tagged and list their names.

1. Pop Culture: I love everything Pop Culture. Whether it’s Magazines (US Weekly, In Touch, People, etc.), TV Shows (Entertainment Tonight, Insider, the MTV in-depth celebrity shows, Cribs, etc.) or online websites (Pink Is the New Blog) I love reading about celebrities. What are they wearing? Who are they dating? Are they hiding a bump? What is their latest diet? I eat that stuff up…and I know I shouldn’t. They are regular people. But I can’t get enough!

2. Rump Shakin’ Booty Music!!! In the words of Kanye West in his song “Addiction” - ‘Why does everything that’s supposed to be bad…make me feel so good?’ This is how I feel with Booty Music! In the mainstream…pretty much every hip hop song is talking about something bad. But the way I feel about it is…if it has a dope beat…I don’t care what the heck it’s saying. I know that’s so wrong…but I can’t pass up a hot beat! I love that feeling you get inside that just makes you jump out of your seat and DANCE like no one else is around!!!!

3. Mark Mulder= HOT HOT HOT!!! I have a very safe crush on him! I just can’t help but be attracted to a guy that is an amazing pitcher and not to mention gorgeous. Baseball is my very favorite sport in the world…so to have that and a great looking guy! Man I can’t wait for baseball season to start!

4. Too much TV! Especially shows like Desperate Housewives, Grey’s Anatomy, The Bachelor, etc. that are controversial or involve other people’s relationships!

5. Unhealthy doses of Ice Cream! BRING IT ON! Especially if it’s my dad’s homemade or Blue Bell Ice Cream. I’m in…and I don’t mean for a scoop or two…give me a big huge bowl!!!

I’m tagging Karina, Joy, Nicole, Glam Jo and Andrea.

Not Alone

2006-01-03T15:23:00.000-08:00

So I have been going thru this soul searching time while I am trying to make over my soul. Yesterday on my way to work…I found myself confused about life (an every day occurrence)…and I’m trying to figure out me. Figure out what will make me happy. What will cleanse my soul. All I could think about was Jesus. And HOW BAD I wanted to see Him and hug Him and talk to Him and have Him talk back to me. It was such a real feeling. Usually I am satisfied with knowing He is there and that He is ALWAYS listening to me and my heart. But yesterday I wanted Him to be seated next to me during my car ride. I wanted to interact with Him…and look at Him…and I wanted Him to tell me what I feel like I NEED to hear. Because He is the only person that truly knows me…Lord knows I can’t figure myself out. He doesn’t have to waste time getting to know me. There is no one else that knows me the way He does. And even though I was frustrated that I can’t physically see Him…it also warmed my heart having that feeling of longing for Him that I desire a lot of the time. It was true and pure. It made me feel like it was a step in the right direction. A lot of times I just want to talk to Steve or MaryBeth or my Dad or whoever…but this time the only person I wanted to talk to was Jesus. No one else will do. I guess I will just need to listen and trust that I will hear Him.

Makeover

2006-01-02T12:53:00.000-08:00

I am in dire need of a makeover. Not the kind you are thinking. Not the kind where you get your hair cut and colored, fun make-up and a new outfit and say “Ta-Da”! Even though that would be fun, and I wouldn’t turn it down. But I want a different kind of make over. The kind that makes over your soul. The problem is…I don’t really know what I need to do for that kind of makeover. Alone time out in the middle of no where with some paper and a handful of my colored sharpie’s sounds good. Or a couple of hours in a gymnastics gymnasium sounds good too. I think I need a change in life. A change in my routine. The problem is I like my routine. I don’t really want to change it…but then I will just continue where I am. I feel like I’m in a rut and just going through the motions. And I want to grow and change and live life more fully. Breathe in fresh air and twirl in the middle of a field of flowers. (Did I just write that OUT LOUD!) My mind wanders that way almost every day…then I snap back to reality. I just want to have some joy and fun in my life. And I do…I’m not complaining…I have a great life…I just need a change. But what’s stopping me from doing something new?!?! I don’t mean quit my job and move to a different country or anything like that. (Even though I like that option and would do it in a heartbeat…it’s just not realistic.) It could be as simple as joining a dance class…or volunteering somewhere…or setting aside 4 hours every Saturday for alone time. But that just takes time. Time that will take me away from my FABULOUS husband that I wish I could spend MORE time with. Dang work! But maybe that’s what needs to happen. I need to be happy with me so that I can make my husband happy. My New Year’s Resolution is to focus on the Positive. I used to be this way. But that girl has slowly gone away over the years. But I know she’s in there…and I want her back. So I need to do something for me…that edifies me…that makes me happy. I just hope it works. You guys have any ideas??

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

2005-12-23T08:36:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas everyone! I know it's 2 days early, but I am about to board a plane to Maine in a couple of hours to visit Steve's family. I don't know that I will be able to blog from up there. Anyways, this is a picture of the Christmas card that I made this year. I was pretty proud of it! It's not as crafty as anything Joy does...but it was fun to make.

I hope everyone has a blessed time with family and friends this Christ filled season. Enjoy each moment as they pass ever so quickly. Eat lots and be MERRY!

The Great Depression...

2005-12-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

As the New Year approaches…I really want to cleanse my soul. It seems like my New Year’s Resolutions in the past have always been physical…like lose weight…or tone up…or whatever. But this year I want to change my core…my inside…in hopes to find a better person…a person that I like. I have been realizing more and more that there are some things in my life that I need to let go of in order to move on. There are several things I need to let go of. But one in particular that I just don’t allow myself to let go of. It’s almost like a crutch…or something I can hide behind…or something that I can blame my crazy on. And maybe I still won’t fully, but if I put it out there, maybe it’s a step in the right direction. I’ve sat through many sermons on “Forgiveness” that I honestly and truthfully sat intently listening hoping that maybe this will be IT…the thing that breaks thru and allows me to let go. And some have helped…but none have accomplished the task at hand.

My freshman year of college was supposed to be the best time of my life. I was so excited for this new adventure! I had always been Miss Independent and I was ready to go away to school. And in Malibu…a dream come true! Never did I anticipate what would happen at New Student Orientation. The second night of Orientation we all met with our RA’s and SA’s in our dorms. There was a woman from the Abuse & Rape Shelter in Santa Monica. I didn’t think anything of it. She was talking about how us girls needed to look out for ourselves while walking home at night…and stuff like that. I was probably rolling my eyes because my mom made sure I attended every self-defense class that was offered in a 30 mile radius from the house that I grew up in. I knew I could defend myself…and kick some butt. Then the woman said a statistic (I can’t remember what it is) about the percentage of girls/women that have been sexually abused by friends, family and people they know. I remember being astounded. Then…a floodgate burst open in my brain…and images flashed through my mind that I had hidden under lock and key 12 years earlier. I don’t remember anything else that she said. I must have sat staring at the carpet, which turned into a movie screen as my brain projected these images that I indeed suppressed and hoped never would have come back. I’m sure my eyes were twitching side to side as my mind scanned my brain for every memory from the ages of 3-6 that I could dig up. And then it hit…DEPRESSION. I became a completely different person. Dead…numb…a walking zombie.

When I was young…2 of my mom’s brothers lived with us for awhile. Since they were adults, my parents would leave my brother and I with them on occasion. Several of these “occasions” they would drink beer. The younger of the 2 brothers drank more. I remember him (I still can’t bring myself to say his name) taking me to his bedroom and asking me to take my clothes off and he kissed me. My earliest recollection of this was when I was 3 years old. I don’t really remember anything beyond him touching and kissing me…but part of me thinks God isn’t allowing me to remember anything else to protect me. He gave me so many mixed messages that royally screwed me up. There was the positive side…where he told me how beautiful I was. But there was the negative side…where he told me that NO ONE else would love me...and not to trust anyone else…only him…and definitely NEVER EVER tell anyone “our little secret”. So I didn’t. I remember he would tell me to tell my mom that I loved hanging out with him. He would make me say it in front of him…and I just felt like vomiting. I wanted to cry out to my mom to NEVER leave me alone with him…but I couldn’t. He was always around. To this day…I still am mad at myself for not saying anything. But then I have to remember…I was 3 years old…and being manipulated…surely I couldn’t have known better. This continued on and off the next 3 years of my life. Luckily he moved into an apartment part of that time so I didn’t see him as much.

Then came the day of freedom…one of the best days of my life. I was 6. I remember the phone call. My mom answered…she started crying. I ran to her and wondered what was going on. She said that her brother was killed. I remember running to my room and jumping up and down on my bed in ultimate glee! This was it…I was free from him FOREVER. He could not hurt me any longer. I do feel bad about the way he died. He was at a bar and was crossing the street to go to his car. Some car hit him going 60 miles per hour and drug him 100 yards. The car took off…and left him to die. My mom was so devastated. But I honestly think God was protecting me in this situation, and the reason for his death was so that I could have my life back. And I shut that door of my brain and locked it far away to never be opened again. What I didn’t anticipate was a random woman from a Rape and Abuse shelter finding the key which I thought I hid so well.

What happened next was the hardest time of my life. I couldn’t tell anyone what was going on with me. So I just told my mom I was homesick…which wasn’t true. She made me an appointment at the campus counseling center. This is where I met Carolyn! Praise God for Carolyn! Even though I had to take a test where they indeed found out that I was depressed…and the psychiatrist wanted to put me on anti-depressants…I decided not to…to see if I could just handle it on my own with Carolyn’s help. The first month I saw her 5 days a week…then 3…then 1. My sophomore year on I just went every other week or once a month just because she became a special person to me. It probably took 2 weeks for me to finally tell her what was wrong. She loved me every step of the way and helped me through it. I have never cried so much in my life. It was a dark 5 months…I contemplated suicide. I just wanted it all to go away. I thought it would be so easy to drive off the cliff in Malibu Canyon. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do that to my family. But I didn’t want to be sad and unaffected by things. Some days I thought I was so far in the tunnel that I just couldn’t see the light at the end. I didn't want to get out of bed. I wanted to be alone in the dark...but then I remembered I was alone...and I was so hopeless! It took a good year…but with Carolyn’s help…I finally felt like I was finding me again. She encouraged me to tell my parents. I really didn’t want to. Then it donned on me…what if he did the same to my brother???!?? So when I got home for summer break…I worked up the nerve to tell him and ask him if anything ever happened to him. He said no…THANKFULLY…and said I better tell mom and dad or he would. I was not happy about this. As of that moment…my mom had happy memories of her brother. He is DEAD. Why should I tell her and make her memories bad. I put myself in her shoes…if it was my brother…I would want to keep the happy memories. But Henry insisted I tell them…and he held my hand as I did so. It was the hardest thing I had to do. I was crying…my mom was bawling…she blamed herself. That’s exactly what I DIDN’T want to happen. But what happened next still hurts me. I told them at night. They were already in bed. The next morning not a word was mentioned about it. To this day 8 and a half years later…no one has mentioned it to me. No one has asked me if I am okay…no one has said that they wanted to help me through this. I was left alone…and hurt. Part of me thinks I need to release this hurt toward my family as well. I just don’t have it in me to bring it up…when I so desperately want to let it go. I know that my family loves me…and I know they just never knew what to say. My sophomore year of college I randomly came across the song “Taboo” by Mancy A’lan Kane. These are the lyrics:

Footsteps louder down the hall
I see his shadow on my wall
Hide beneath the sheets with my Raggedy Ann
Smell of Gin, The touch of his hand

Too Young to Remember
Too Old to Forget

Smile for the camera in my Easter Dress
Church on Sunday but I never confess
Keep it all locked up in a secret place
I run to whenever he comes my way

Too Young to Remember
Too Old to Forget

The lights are on in my dollhouse tonight
Maybe in the morning it will be alright

Too Young to Remember
Too Old to Forget

This song hit home. Do you ever have that feeling that a particular song you hear…should have been written by you. I felt that way with this song. Surely she wrote it about me! Of course not. It helped me realize I was not alone. This happens OFTEN which is just appalling. I listened to this song today…and it just made me sad. It made me sad for the little girl that I was. Not knowing any better. Who was so alone and scared. And SO YOUNG. Too young to have to deal with this.

I think I was 2 in this picture…but close enough. (And no that's not a wig...that's ALL MY HAIR!!!) I can’t imagine how anyone could do that to a child so young. Then the anger rises…not for me…but for all the other children that are going through this as I am writing.

I really don’t know why I can’t forgive him. I’m sure he didn’t do it to hurt me…he was just messed up…and intoxicated. And maybe I can’t forgive him because I can’t talk to him. There was never really any closure other than his death…but that doesn’t make all of my questions go away. I know it is because of him that I have trust issues. I know it is because of him that I never had a boyfriend. Poor Steve…he was so patient…and I tried over and over to push him away. I’m so thankful he pushed me back and challenged me. And I have healed…I just haven’t forgiven. I want to…but I don’t really know how. I’m across the country from his grave. I never visited it. Whenever my mom would go visit it, I would go to my friend’s grave which is only 50 feet away or so. I’ve prayed during those sermon’s about forgiveness. I’ve read every verse there is about forgiveness. Maybe I need to have a ritual of some kind. Like maybe I need to write a letter to him then burn it. Or maybe I need to drop a white lily into the lake. Or maybe I just need to not be stubborn and try (it would be a stretch) to remember any good memories. The hurt part of me thinks that doesn’t exist…and won’t allow myself to scan my brain for that in fear of finding something bad. Or maybe I need to volunteer at an organization that helps children that have been sexually abused. That would be really hard...but I'm sure very rewarding...I just haven't been able to take the first step. But hopefully through prayer…and the desire to move on…it will just happen. If time is what needs to happen…it will happen. All I can do is try.